And That's Why You're Single

That Guy You’re Sure Isn’t a Jerk? Yeah, He’s a Jerk

Posted: 02 Jul 2014 02:25 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Tiffany
:
Comment: Hello,

Here is what is going on.
While in vacation in New York, I met a guy online. I was about leaving 5 days after we started to talk. When I told him that he said he wanted to meet me before I leave. I didn’t to because I thought it would be stupid and useless. But then he planned the day and I kind of got caught into it. We were supposed to meet on a wednesday but on tuesday he texted me to tell me he couldn’t make it because he had had an accident. I just thought it was just a way to cancel the date without being rude. So I was about to go on and leave it behind but he kept on texting me. I went back home and even 2000 miles away we kept on talking and after a couple of weeks I really started to be into him. He said nice stuff and I could truly see he wasn’t a jerk. As this happening I started acting clingy and stupid. It’s been a week now and he doesn’t talk that much anymore even though he still text everyday. What should I do to show him I’m not that annoying type of girl. I’m planning on coming back to New York and I don’t want to screw up before .
Age: 24
City: San Fransisco
State: California

He said nice stuff and I could truly see he wasn’t a jerk.

Oh? And how did you determine this? because he sent you text messages and said flirty things? He cancelled your date and lied about why. That is the very definition of a jerk.

This guy was always going to bail. Know how I know that? He lived in New York City. where there is no shortage of options for men. He doesn’t have to leave this island to get a girlfriend. You were only in town for a few days, he figured he’d meet you and take you out and possibly have sex with you. Then, when something better came along or because he decided it wasn’t worth the effort, he sent you a message telling you something suddenly came up. Then Peter and Greg started tossing the football around in the yard and Marcia ended up getting hit in the face.

While you very well may have gotten clingy, it’s probably because you sensed he was pulling away or all was not it seemed. I know that whenever I felt anxious about a guy and needed to confirm he was genuine or not blowing me off, that’s when the neediness came out. And that was usually because I sensed on some level that he was, in fact, blowing me off or full of it.

This guy is full of it. He was always going to pull the plug eventually. When you got clingy, you gave him the out he needed and he took it. Now it can be your fault he lost interest. Only it’s not your fault. It’s nobody’s fault, per se. This was an inevitable.

There’s nothing to prove here. He just wasn’t that interested from the start. Texting you and maybe getting some nude shots or sexts or phone sex was a fun distraction. That’s it. It was never going to be anything more than that. Leave it alone and walk away.

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And That's Why You're Single

Is “Too Busy” Really A Thing? #atwys

Posted: 01 Jul 2014 02:38 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Daisy datingcokctail
:
Comment: Hi Moxie!

I moved back home to be closer to family and ended a looooong relationship that just wasn’t going anywhere. After about six months of being single, I started online dating and have met some awesome people.

There is one guy in particular who I’m very interested in, and we’ve had three dates over the period of a month (two in the first week, and then one about four weeks later). No sex, just making out (and great talks – we have a lot in common), but there is very little communication in-between the dates (going up to a week without hearing from him). He claims he’s very busy (he works two full time jobs) and I am inclined to believe him. Is there a way you can suggest that I bring up the fact that I would like him to reach out more when we’re apart without sounding needy or clingy or naggy? Or is it just way too early for that and should I take a back seat and let it play itself out? I don’t want to be the one reaching out if he’s not that into me, and every time we’ve gone out, he’s made the effort to ask me out, but I’m getting a lot of really aggressive/assertive feedback from other guys and wondering if the fact that he’s NOT being so communicative is a sign that he’s really not interested.
Age: 36
City: Charlotte
State: NC

I think the best way to go about this is to initiate the communication yourself. I know that it’s way more enjoyable when the other person reaches out first. It makes us feel more secure, etc. But I don’t think the onus should be on him just because he’s the guy.

Where I would be concerned is that it took almost a month before the two of you could get together for a third date. Not only does that hint at possible schedule incompatibility, but it would absolutely make me switch gears and detach a bit and go into casual dating mode. Even my busiest of friends with stressful jobs manage to schedule dates with people they like at least once a week. If this guy is that short on time, I’m not sure he’s going to be able to deliver much if anything going forward. At least for now. You’re going to need a lot of patience with this one.

As for the other guys you’re meeting online, it’s safe to assume that the aggressive/assertiveness they are displaying has quite a bit to do with pulling out all the stops in order to get the sexytime. If they haven’t slept with you yet, that’s a biug reason why they’re so proactive. That doesn’t mean they are all going to fade once you sleep together, but I will bet many of them will scale back on their efforts once they sex has been had. Lots of guys are always eager to get things moving when they’re looking for sex. You can’t use pre-sex behavior as a baseline. (I’m assuming that you haven’t slept with these other guys. I could be wrong.)

As for the guy that you like, just start texting him every once in a while and ask him how he’s doing. Someone has to take the lead. He could be thinking what you’re thinking and not want to seem too clingy. Though I’m not sure that’s the issue. It sounds like he’s quite busy. He might not be as attentive because he knows whatever he can offer is pretty limited and doesn’t want to encourage unreachable expectations.