Name: Liz
Comment: Dear Moxie,
I’m 49, pretty,reasonably accomplished, and have a wide circle of friends. As for why I’m still single despite wishing I weren’t, the reasons are legion, and might include poor dating choices in my 20s, a demeanor that reads as unapproachable, too many years spent doing work that made me unhappy, a distaste for online dating (In short, I didn’t understand how the “game” was played and found it a discouraging waste of time. I think I could do better now), and the fact that I’ve never wanted kids (I think that drive often pushes people to marry the wrong person and blinds them to obvious incompatibilities they’d otherwise see).
I often feel I’d do better online and face-to-face if I could simply claim to be divorced with kids (like most men in my dating pool). Of course, I know I can’t do that as it would only “work” if I planned on never really getting to know the guy.
So, 2 questions:
1) Does there come a point at which the mere fact of having never married becomes a detriment to finding a serious relationship (indicating you are too picky, undesirable, etc.)?
2) Assuming the answer to my first question is “yes” (as I do) what, if anything, can I do about that? I know you advocate not spilling the beans about past romantic failures on date one, but where’s the line? While I can’t invent a husband and a couple of kids, what can I do besides address the issues that have worked against me this far, as I am now doing?
Thanks!
Liz
Age: 49
City: New York
State: NY
What you can do is live your life and not care what other people think. I know that that sounds easier said than done, but that’s really all you can do. That and reconcile with your own feelings about never having been married. No doubt a lot of what you perceive is projection. You’re off to a good start by acknowledging in how you played a part in why you’re single. Once you stop with the coulda, woulda, shouldas and just say, “Yep. I did that. So?” you’ll find you have more success
I think men and women – but more often women – internalize the messages that we read and hear and see on TV and in the media. These messages tell us that there’s something wrong with being unmarried over 40. And let’s be honest. Isn’t that something we, as women, often told our friends about men “of a certain age” they’d meet who never made it down the aisle? We kind of did this to ourselves to some degree. We perpetuated that idea. Hell, up until a couple years ago, I believed that. Then I became one of “those” people. Am I a little dinged up? You bet. But you can’t live a life and date and have relationships and experiment and try to figure out what you want without getting a few scrapes and bruises. Some people knew at a very early age what they wanted and they got it. Some of us took longer to reach that point and are still trying to figure it out. I prefer to date people who are a little banged up. It builds resilience.
I’m not going to go down the “Well, at least I’m not divorced” road, either. That, too, is something I’ve learned is counter-productive. There are benefits to being married and benefits to being single and neither journey is without strain or problems.
I happen to think we (meaning society) are slowly moving away from the idea that never getting hitched has a stigma. Given the divorce rates and various other issues that abound when you merge households, finances, lives, etc, more and more people are starting to see why people are choosing not to get married. Yes, I said choose. Women are no longer in a position where marriage is a necessity. When women stop needing marriage to survive, of course the marriage rates will decline. This shift has been going on for some time now. Any man who is still baffled by the idea of a woman who hasn’t run down the aisle by 40 clearly doesn’t get out much.
There are plenty of reason why someone in their 40′s and older isn’t married that have nothing to do with them having issues. Of course, some do. I know I have some adorable little quirks that make me difficult to date.It’s time to redefine what we mean by issues. Are they dysfunctional and unable to maintain any healthy relationships at all? Then yes, there’s probably some problems at work. But if they have a close circle of friends, can maintain good relationships with peers and are relatively stable, more than likely it’s as simple as they’re either waiting for the right person or just don’t feel the need to wed.
If someone asks if you’ve ever been married, just say no. If they ask why, I’d keep your response simple. Frankly, I think anybody who asks that question reveals more about themselves than you not being married ever could.
You’re framing the fact that you’re unmarried as a failure. You don’t hear men doing that. Most guys don’t look at a man in his forties who has never settled down and wonder why. Either they understand why or they don’t care. The people who still cling to that kind of narrative are mostly people who prioritize marriage a certain way (which is perfectly fine) or people who are projecting their own insecurities.
The problem here is how you view yourself and your choices. Okay, so you haven’t managed to find a husband. So? It’s not like someone’s life stops being valid if they don’t have a ring on their finger. I agree that there are enough people out there that have certain ideas of women our age who haven’t been wed. To them, there’s something inherently sad about women like us. More than likely, those people couldn’t imagine being our age and single. To them, there’s no worse fate. That’s about them. That’s not about you.
You need to stop seeing yourself through those eyes.
