Attract Girls Now

Sunday, March 9, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

What To Do When They’re Still Involved With Their Ex

Posted: 09 Mar 2014 02:33 PM PDT

Name: Stone

:
Comment: After almost 4 years in a relationship I had to call it quits. After the obvious signs of not being on the same page, I got the cherry on top to enjoy.

My ex-bf decides to have his ex wife move into his house while she buys and moves into a house. Long story short, she got the house, she does not like it, she is selling and will look for another one. A weeks events is turning into a year.

And all of the sudden I was to fulfill their happiness. While I want to understand his need to provide a helping hand; the timing, the place and the people are not conducive of this altruistic gesture. Because if I had believe that if he was teaching her how to catch the fish that would be a thing, but the true is another. She will come back again and again and he will enable this dependency, and to all I will be put aside while he becomes somebody’s hero. Yeeh!

Now I was expected to rearrange my life to fit hers. Really? Who is who here? We needed to check with her so we can have intimate moments. So arousing! I’m to come and visit as I used to. But, how am I to carry conversations that are meant for us while she is there? They both seem oblivious to my feelings and it not like she could not live with her mother during this time.

Like that was not enough, I’m commanded to be her friend, and that my kids are to be her kid play buddies. Command? Oh, that word just got me in all the wrong ways.

I can’t understand why he feels compelled to make her happy and the cost of my happiness, or it was just too convinent for him to choose who to make happy?

Why is he in denial? Why can’t he recognize that he failed and renounced to making her happy once before and that he is not longer responsible for her happiness?

This was a race that I had all loosing cards to and it was proven with my pain. I guess my ego got hurt and probably the answers will not help anything. But it certainly it still hurts like hell.

In what world?
Age: 40
City: Chicago
State: Illinois

Thoughts?

Friday, March 7, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Don’t Let Your Loneliness Make You As Desperate As I Was

Posted: 07 Mar 2014 06:25 AM PST

Name: Kelly
Question: Moxie: I wrote in to you before re: dating the married co-worker. I know I will get slammed severely, but here goes.

I know it doesn’t matter why people do what they do. I know. But I have this need to get feedback on why the guy did what he did this week.

I never heard from him for a month after the visit where I brought the crazy. I didn’t contact him. He was back in the office last week.

I was polite but didn’t try to talk or connect. He walked in and acted as if nothing had happened. Was trying to be friendly and when I didn’t bite, seemed to try harder to get me to respond. I finally txted him, mistake number one, and said why? Why do this, why ignore me and show up and act as if I’m supposed to be your friend. He responded that he was ok until the final “questioning” of his intentions the previous time, and just couldn’t handle the drama. That he had feelings for me but all he could give was what he could do when he was here and that didn’t seem to be enough. I am in a vulnerable place, I don’t know many people here, both my parents are deceased, so no family. So I’m lonely. I broke down and said do you want to meet. Mistake number two. He said don’t you think that would be a bad idea, just frustrate us both. I agreed. His last words were “FYI, I’ll see you tomorrow and I’ll also be back next week.” I just didn’t respond.

The next day he shows up. Tries again to get me to chat and flirt. I say, laughing but meaning it, we are not buddies, I’m not doing this with you. He says, I don’t accept that. You have to talk to me. I say, no, I don’t, other than saying hello. He walks away and says, I will see you next week.

Here is the part I’m ashamed of. I txtd him and said please stop doing this, we should let it go. It hurts me because I care. He responds and says let’s meet nxt week for dinner, and I say ok. FYI, he’s good looking and in sales. No shocker there.

This week he was txting and calling before he arrived, making dinner plans. He was in the office yesterday, and I fell into my old pattern, flirting and going into the office saying, what about later. He said I may end up having to go to dinner with the other execs. I’ll find out and txt you. He txts and says simply “I have to go.” I felt so let down, that I did text him back and said, what about afterward? And also, forgot to mention he made a point to tell me he changed his flight and was staying over another day. He never responded to the first txt. I txted again and said some sappy bs about I was so glad to see him, I wasn’t trying to be pushy but was hoping that at least we could see each other the next night. Nothing. Finally I say, can you respond, this is like the past month when you ignored me. He finally says, “Can’t text, still at dinner.”

I don’t respond. He was off-site today, and when he showed up, didn’t say a word, walked in, spoke to someone else, left. Tonight is the night we were meant to go out, I think. Haven’t heard a word.

Was it all a game to get me sucked back in? Or I scared him again with the texts? I think I need to change jobs.
Age: 40
State: GA

Read Part 1 Here

Read Part 2 Here

I think you sucked yourself back into this. I’m trying to be sympathetic, because I’ve been where you are. I’ve been consumed by loneliness like this and stuck with something that was going absolutely nowhere and ignoring all the signs. You have nothing else going on so you’re clinging to this guy. I get it. I really do. And you’re writing to me because you just don’t have anybody else to turn to. That sucks and I’m sorry. It’s an awful feeling to think that you don’t have anybody to catch you when you fall or who will listen to you. I don’t wish that on anybody. I’ve been there, too, and I can say that that was probably the worst feeling I ever experienced.

But you have to stop with this. This guy genuinely can not be bothered with you. He’s not doing anything. He’s responding to your attempts to reconnect because he’s bored or trying to keep an option open.

I was in your shoes a few years ago. I’m going to post something I’ve never shared before in the hopes that, when you read this, you will see what is up the road a bit for you. I can’t explain why this email hurt me the way it did, given that the nature of our relationship was so casual, but it did. In fact, it’s safe to say that this email broke me in a small way. My friends all said to me to never admit that publicly, as this guy who wrote this still probably checks in and would get some kind of satisfaction. He’s married now, so I doubt he’s still looming. (Famous last words.) In any case, I want you to read this. I want you to read this and try to imagine how you’re going to feel when this guy you’re stuck on says something similar to you. This was back when I was regularly discussing my personal life in detail. This email is why I stopped doing that.

I saw on the blog that one of your readers noted I had written about what I took away from the relationship without offering up one thing I actually put into it – and I think his/her point of concern is absolutely right! I don’t contribute anything at all, beyond a vague and distant half-commitment to make time for sex at sometime in the future, and some occasional half-arsed participation in a bit of flirtation or conversation, which I invariably check out from too soon. It’s always you initiating things, leaving the voicemails, asking when I’m free. If you were to stop emailing me for a month, I have no doubt that we just wouldn’t be in touch for that month. I might think of you, but I almost certainly wouldn’t email. And that’s not good enough! I don’t mean for you–as you said, you can take care of yourself or not–but it’s not good enough for me that I’m doing it. And yet I can’t and/or am not willing to do more, and so that’s not good enough for either of us.

The fact is, I cannot do some of the things you listed (particularly as I thought I had been doing some of them already yet have clearly been falling short or completely wrong) and I would rather just admit to that than pretend I’m playing ball when I know I won’t be able to follow through.

You wanted me to not play my cards so close to my chest and so I’m being as honest as I can be, here. This is me raw and more self-aware than I have ever allowed myself to be where you are concerned, and I actually hate myself for it. I admit and acknowledge and apologise for my shortcomings in this relationship, because they are plenty, and though I have tried and we’ve come a long way, I truly think I’ve come as far as I can or am willing to go.

When I said last week that my request to ‘put things on ice’ came with a reassurance that we could actually pick up in February, I was in a kind of denial. My intentions were honest – but in the context of the above, if I put my hand on my heart, I think I knew that February would become March, which would become April, which, if it hadn’t happened already, would probably become The End. I just didn’t know it until now. I would never have deliberately strung you along in that manner, but I cannot now honestly deny the likelihood of exactly that happening.

So having given myself the afternoon to ruminate on my initial reaction and make sure it wasn’t just a kneejerk, I still feel much the same way – moreso, even. And quite aside from the above, I am the last thing you need when you’ve got other, far more important things going on in your life: I am a black hole that sucks away your efforts and attentions, knowing full well that I’m not willing or able to return those efforts even by half. I am not Tad, who offers support and friendship as well, and much as I genuinely, affectionately like you, I don’t think I could ever be that person in your life. And so even though I can’t remember the specific safe word we agreed upon, I really can’t see anything else I can do but use it now. I’m sorry.

People will read this and wonder what about it was so bad. When you’re in the throes of what the OP is in, trust me, this is brutal. It also came two days after he wrote a post for this blog talking about all the value he took from our casual relationship. It was just a stupid mistake that I made that, to this day, I still beat myself up for. I read this now and think, “Geez. Drama Queen much, Moxie?” But back then? I can’t effectively put in to words the shame and humiliation and hurt I felt for ever believing anything he said. He turned out to be the most dishonest and disingenuous man I have ever encountered.

I’m sharing this, Kelly, so that you will have an idea what is in store for you should you continue to chase this guy. His words are disingenuous. He is disingenuous. Like the guy in my scenario, he’s being unfaithful to his partner, which should be the biggest red flag of all. You should believe nothing he says. Nothing. He lacks character and honor. And so do you. And so did I.

You do not want this memory poking around your sub-conscious. You don’t. To this day I still wince when I think of how desperate and lonely and pathetic I was when I was involved with this guy.

Whatever it is you need to do to evict this guy from your life, do it. Get out of this now, or it will break you. That I can promise you.

Thoughts?

Thursday, March 6, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Why Wait For Him To Propose?

Posted: 06 Mar 2014 05:53 AM PST

Name: Am WeddingCouple_BoxingGloves
Comment: Before my bf and I were officially dating he mentioned marriage, an idea I blew off at the time as we weren’t that serious yet. We’ve been that serious now for over 3 years and have a child together. He still says marriage is something he wants but hasn’t asked again. Is it possible he’s just stringing me along until something better comes along? From what I see it isn’t the case but actions speak louder than words.
Age: 32
City: san fran
State: ca

You seem to be standing on principle and waiting for him to bring up the topic of marriage. Let’s face it. The jig is up here. You have a child together. Initiating a conversation about the future is mandatory. There are matters and legalities that need to be decided upon and put in place so that your child is protected.

Could your guy be hesitant about getting married? Yes. As he should be. As anybody should be. But the fact that you have a child together should make you throw away all of those outdated traditions and fantasies and buckle down and come up with a plan. If you feel marriage is the best case scenario for your relationship and your family, then you need to bring it up.

I realize that encouraging the woman to initiate the discussion of marriage or getting engaged might ruffle some feathers. But the reality is that no one who wants to get married should just hang out and wait to see if they are on the same page with their partner. It’s not the man’s “job” to bring up this topic. The marriage (and possible repercussions) involve both of you.

Even if you didn’t have a child together, I would still suggest that you take the initiative and re-open this conversation. You don’t have to propose but if this is something you want, then there’s nothing wrong with broaching this subject. I think the days of sitting back and waiting for the man to put this option on the table are gone. Both people have too much at stake to stick to outdated gender roles. We are now at a point where many marriages involve pre-nups or other forms of cohabitation agreements. Marriage isn’t just about a wedding and a ring. Marriage needs planning, too.

I would wait for a moment when you and he can talk without interruption and revisit the subject. Don’t wait for him to do it.

ETA: I published this and then was cleaning my apartment when a thought came to me.

There were a number of things about my father’s probate case that were maddening and enraging, but nothing moreso than the fact that my two sisters sat back and just assumed my father would take care of their respective situations. My sister who just passed insisted that my father agreed to waive the balance of the promissory note once he and my step-mother had died. Unfortunately, he never put that in writing. My other sister is convinced that my father bought the condo where she lives for her, and therefore we should not even consider selling it. Once again, my father never adjusted any paperwork to state that she would be sole owner upon his death. She was never on the deed or title. These two women did nothing to ensure their respective security. They assumed that my father would just handle everything. They walked around thinking that a man would save them and take care of them. That is a dangerous way to live.

I can not stress enough how vital it is for someone to ask those uncomfortable questions that we avoid posing because we don’t want to rock the boat. Never, ever, EVER let talks about finances, money, wills, housing, deeds, end of life planning, pre-nups, etc fall by the wayside thinking you’ll just cause a fuss. When emotions and money get involved, all bets are off. I don’t care how wonderful you think your relationship is. Grief, anger, and greed can and will throw your life and the lives of loved ones into upheaval if you do not take the steps necessary to ensure your security and that your wishes will be honored.

I learned the other day that my father had purchased a grave plot for 4 people. That’s where he was supposed to be buried. My mother occupied one of those spots. My step-mother decided that he would be laid to rest across the pathway in his family’s plot. Why? She didn’t want to be in the same plot as my mother. I’m still kind of reeling from this information as well as from the fact that, you know, I wasn’t included in this conversation at the time. I’m telling you right now, no matter what you think of the person you choose to settle down with, the only thing that will guarantee that your wishes will be honored is to put it in writing.

Don’t leave it up to your partner to handle that stuff, because there’s a really good chance they’ll do what is best for them, not you.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Is Younger Really Better?

Posted: 05 Mar 2014 07:27 AM PST

xoJane posted an article last week from a woman in her late fifties who said that her dating options dried up once she started revealing her age. over40

Part of the problem is the way I look. I look a lot younger than my chronological age and this throws men off. Dating is the only space I can think of that looking younger than your actual age can work against you. Once I entered my 50s, it would work like this: A guy would flirt with me, we’d connect, go out a few times and then, at some point age would come up, either directly or as a reference point. And then, trouble. Like the time we were discussing politics and presidential security, and I mentioned that I still remembered my mom’s reactions to the Kennedy assassination. Uh-oh. At first he thought I was joking. When he realized I wasn’t, he became quiet for a bit. The conversation eventually picked back up but it had lost some of its steam.We went out once more and, over dinner, he “playfully” (at first) accused me of pulling a bait-and-switch on him — meaning pretending to be a lot younger than I actually was. Except there was no pretense. He assumed I was something that I wasn’t (a younger woman). I was about 10 years older than he was and he just couldn’t see himself with a 55-year-old. And the guy I’d been dating for about six months. We were having a great time and age, somehow, never came up, although I now know he’s 2-3 years older than I am. One night, when we were out with my best friend and her husband, she asked what my plans were for my upcoming birthday and laughingly commented that she never thought we’d still be so happily celebrating our birthdays at this advanced age. My date’s face froze. The other couple thought he was kidding but I knew he wasn’t. I could see it in his eyes. Two days later, he broke up with me, claiming he still wanted the option of having more children. (Update: It’s years later and he has not had another child. Whatever.)

Now, we’ve heard the ol’, “I look much younger than I actually am” thing here plenty of times. To the author’s credit, she does look fabulous. But since I live in Manhattan and see women in their 50′s looking that good all the time, I wouldn’t place her below 50 years old, which still ain’t bad considering she’s 58. Now that we’ve established how great she looks (which, let’s be honest, is always one of the goals of an article like this), let’s talk about the more pressing issue.

I’m not sure that the men she discusses in her examples were ending the relationships just because of her age. I happen to believe they also broke things off because they felt intentionally mislead. I don’t know how anybody dates someone for 6 months and their age never comes up. The only instances where I know of that happening is when one of them is hiding their age or has lied about it. I brought this up in the comments and suggested that she was intentionally keeping her age a secret and going for men who weren’t age-appropriate (read: considerably younger). Of course, that didn’t go over well.

As much as it might sting some men and women to hear this, there comes a point where you need to gracefully accept that people of a certain age aren’t all that interested in us. They might date us casually, but the chances that they will settle down with us long term are pretty slim. And when that does it happen, it’s an exception to the rule and not the rule. What irked me about the response to this article is that it became about ageism towards women – which totally exists – when I think the real issue was that the author was going for men that weren’t age appropriate. I think if the author of this piece pursued men in their mid-sixties, she’d clean up. But if she, at 58, is going for men under 60, that somewhat explains why she’s having difficulty. She thinks she looks younger than she is and therefore her age shouldn’t be an issue. Y’all know how I feel about that. Take it away, Karen Walker.

walker2

Except it is an issue. And it works both ways. When people say they don’t go for potential matches too much older than them because they’re too “vibrant” and “active”, what they’re really saying is, “Eww. Those people are old. I’m not that old.” Except, like, we are. We are that old. That’s not a bad thing. I have male and female profile clients who refuse to adjust their preferred age range to more than 5 years older than their age, but they’ll go ten years younger. Worse are the men and women who talk about all the emails they get from people in their twenties or otherwise noticeably younger than them as though it’s indicative of something or justifies their need to date younger. That means nothing. Seriously. Every woman over 35 who uses OKCupid gets inundated with messages from younger guys. Don’t kid yourselves. And you 40+ guys? Those twentysomethings that message you? Yeah, most of them are just looking for an experience. Get over yourselves.

Obviously, women “of a certain age” get the raw deal in all of this. There’s a prestige to aging for men. Somehow their value rises. Not so for women. Hosts of entertainment shows still ask female actresses how they manage to look so young. They never ask men that. If they leave the house without make-up, the same actresses are photographed and captions are placed underneath expressing horror for them that they dared leave the house without putting on concealer. You don’t see Star magazine devoting sections to male celebrities walking their dogs whilst looking as though they just rolled out of bed. Women are expected to look pulled together all of the time, and if we don’t, we’re “letting ourselves go.”

I’ve often said that men over 35 are more in demand than their female counter-parts. That’s true to a point. Women in my age range (40-50) might not be sought out by men the same age as us, but we are heavily pursued by men a bit older. At 45, I’ve accepted that my target age range is now 48-55. I might be able to date someone long term who is under 45 if they’ve already been married or don’t want kids. But those guys are few and far between. I would never go to a speeddating or singles event where the age range is 30′s and 40′s. There’s really no point. Most of the men attending aren’t looking for me. Men in their 50′s, however, are looking for me. And I like men who like me back. Hence, I tend to focus my efforts on them.

I got the sense that the author of the piece I linked to above has her own issues with dating people of a certain age. But, of course, nobody brought that up. Well, I did, but you know how that tends to go. When guys refuse to date age-appropriate women, they’re pigs. When women do it, they’re empowered. As I said, I have no doubt she’d be a hit with men in their sixties. But if she’s regularly going after men younger than her or just a couple of years older and being rejected, I’m not sure if that’s actually a product of ageism as much as it is a result of going for people outside of your audience. Is it ageism to prefer to date people younger than yourself? I consider ageism to be when someone refuses to even consider dating someone who isn’t X years younger than them. Those are two different things.

Maybe I’m over-simplifying this?

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Is He Spilling The Beans About Their Sex Life?

Posted: 04 Mar 2014 02:59 PM PST

Name: Cindy

:
Comment: February of 2012, I became friends with a man I met at work. (I work in retail, so he was a customer.) When we met it was obvious that we were both very attracted to each other, but when he asked for my number I turned him down. He gave me his number instead. Which gave me control on whether or not I wanted to get to know him better.

After a few days, I did eventually contact him and we talked. It was great conversation. We talked for weeks before meeting each other again at his house. I liked him a lot and we had sex -amazing sex-. Months passed and the great conversations continued and so did the casual sex. I didn’t mind the situation because it seemed harmless. We didnt “date” because I chose not to. Although, I met his friends and the people close to him.

By late November, things got weird. He told me his past was coming to haunt him. His ex girlfriend wanted to start over and work on the old relationship. They broke up because she was very materialistic, controling, and put him down a bad path. He was a good man who worked as a contractor, putting in sixty hours a week paying off high debts and trying to fix the life the ex girlfriend helped ruin. He eventually decided to go back to her and see if anything was still there within their relationship. I left him alone and we didn’t talk, respecting his decision.

February 2013, I contacted him, told him I missed him. Besides the sex, he was my best friend. He told me that the relationship didnt work and that she was nothing but trouble and only wanted him for money. We picked back up where we left off. Months passed and in October he told me he loved me. I never said it back until November finally realizing the strong feelings I had for him.

In December, he told me the got the ex girlfriend pregnant and that she just had his baby. I was hurt and upset. He said he never told me because he feared I would leave and that he only wants a relationship with the child and that there wasn’t any love between him and the mother. I gave him a chance to prove it and so far I was beginning to believe him.

Here it is February 2014, everything is going great. Then I get the news that my parents found out that I’m having sex with this man with details. Apparently my “boyfriend” ran his mouth to his coworker. The coworker knew someone that knew my parents and thats how they found out.

Personally Im having a hard time believing he actually talked about our “private moment” in detail. I never took him as a person who talked about things of that manner in such a way with other people. I understand that men just as well as women talk about things like this, but I never thought he did. I confronted him several times and he’s denied it each time and actually sounded a little hurt that I would believe he’d do such a thing.

Ive concluded that it could be one of two things; he lied and actually did tell or somehow my parents got a hold of my phone and saw the detailed messages. Which is low for them, but wouldnt be the first time.
Age: 21
City: Seattle
State: WA

Thoughts?

Monday, March 3, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Do You Keep Dating People You Can’t Trust?

Posted: 03 Mar 2014 02:41 PM PST

Name: Catherine femalegamblerDepression1
Comment: Hi,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months. It was difficult for me to enter another relationship as my past, long-term relationships were filled with him cheating and mistrust between the two of us.

I tried it out anyway and we started the relationship well but he wasn’t the most reassuring guy or the most complementary. He states that he has always been that way. We continued the relationship anyway and he complained often that I was very insecure and it bothered him. He pushed me to trust him and told me I was silly to feel insecure as he had done nothing wrong. He often got angry if I got insecure when he went out clubbing without me.

We broke up recently as I found a wine glass in his flat where he lives alone. I know he doesn’t drink wine. He said to me it was a friends wine glass, a friend who he has spoken to me about but has hidden the kind of friendship to me. We chat every day and I thought I knew what he was doing but did not know she visited him. I have met her briefly. I was so unsure and so hurt that I ended the relationship after finding the glass.

I thought he would be able to tell me about her, it wouldnt have upset me if he spent time with a friend. Living a 45 minute drive from each other, it makes it hard to know what goes on in his life but he decided to hide this from me.
During the break up, he tried desperately to get back together, he opened up, complimented and repeatedly said how much he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. We got back together and initially everything was much better, I was feeling great and felt adored. After about a month, he was getting irritable and complacent again with my insecurities. I asked more questions about what he and his girl friend did, regardless of how much it made him angry.
When i said to him that I didnt think I could handle the relationship, he seemed to panic and opened up again, telling me that she would come over to get movies, and they would watch a movie together if she waited for the movies to copy over. I asked him how often, he said he can't remember as she did this before we dated too. He added that she would bring over beers or some wine because she didn’t like to get movies from him empty handed. They would chill together as friends on the couch and watch movies.

I asked him if I could read his messages to her and he said he deletes messages on his phone to make space yet his phone still contains old and useless messages from other people. It all doesn’t make sense. He keeps saying it's just a friend of his; I've met her briefly when we were out. Apparently, she told mutual friends that she didn't even know he was in a relationship. I just have so much family dept and am currently finishing my degree through self study that I don’t feel I can handle any more worry or concern. I am constantly worried, paranoid, don’t believe him, feel the need to check his facebook or phone.

He said he hasn’t been in contact with her, she only asked him if she was angry and said they should go for a drink sometime to which he said yes to. It's obvious he doesn’t want to say no to her, which just adds to my concern, even though they may just be friends. I also found that he sent her links on facebook that he 'forgot' to tell me about as they were just silly links. I really feel miserable and it's adding to my stress at the moment but worry that it's all in my head. I would know that going over to watch movies alone with a friend who had a girlfriend would be unfair if I didnt know her.

I don't know much about her, I do know that she is a very pretty girl and I compare myself to her daily. I don't want to be this type of person, it's not who I truly am and I am so unhappy. I’m falling behind in work and studies.

This has given us a very ugly relationship and we are constantly mistrusting each other or fighting. I am angry that he made me feel guilty during the relationship for feeling unsure, when he really was holding this information from me.

Please may you offer me any advice on the situation?
Age: 24
City: Cape Town
State: South Africa

This sounds like a bad fit for the both of you. On his end, he sounds like he plays everything close to the vest. On yours, you sound exceedingly insecure, to the point where you require a great deal of validation and confirmation that the guy truly cares for you and is on the up and up. Something has to give here. Either this guy needs to become more open or you need to deal with your trust issues.

One thing I find telling is that you’re repeating a pattern of being with men you don’t fully trust or who don’t deserve your trust. It’s not a coincidence that you are, once again, involved with someone that makes you feel perpetually suspicious. Either he’s doing something that warrants that suspicion or you’re so insecure that your boyfriend doesn’t tell you anything because he knows you’ll accuse him of being up to no good. To be perfectly honest, it sounds like once the adoration stopped, you went back to worrying. You can’t expect the person you’re dating to constantly cater to these needs and coddle you all the time. Nor can you freak out when a couple of weeks go buy and your mate isn’t reassuring you they’re not cheating.

My closest friend in the world is a guy. We’ve been friends since college. He’s married. His wife knows who I am and that I exist, but she has no idea that we speak twice a week and have been doing so for the past twenty years. We are not nor have we ever been romantically or sexually involved. Full disclosure, yes there’s always been a slight flirtation. It’s not unlike the flirtation many men and women develop with members of the opposite sex.Would he ever cheat on his wife? Not with me. Not with anybody, I don’t think. These crushes and flirtations are common, and are most often harmless. They’re maybe even necessary to a point because they provide people with a rush or thrill that sometimes temporarily wanes in their primary relationship.The reality is that you’re never going to know what your significant other is doing when you’re not with them. You have to learn to accept that. I would never want to be in a relationship with someone who expected me to tell them about every conversation or email exchange I had with a person of the opposite sex. That’s absurd.

Does all of this mean your guy isn’t cheating. No. Of course that’s a possibility. It’s always a possibility. But perpetually thinking that your partner is cheating and being so needy is not going to prevent that from happening. If anything, that could be why you appear to frequently be in this very position. It could be that you’re creating an atmosphere that fosters resentment and mistrust. That doesn’t excuse the fact that someone would be unfaithful, of course. But it’s definitely a contributing factor.

Is he cheating? I don’t know. You keep pushing and he keeps pulling back, making you think he’s hiding something. Which he is, but it’s possible that it’s not what you think or for the reasons you think. He didn’t even bother to hide the wine glass, apparently. If he is cheating, then something like that would lead me to think he wants to get caught.

You can’t patrol what your partner is doing 24/7. Trying to do so will cause you to go out of your mind with paranoia and worry and will make your partner run for the hills. The real issue here is that you have some pretty paralyzing trust issues that you need to work out. Until those are addressed, you’re just going to keep repeating this cycle over and over.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

How Do You Find Out About Their Past Without Looking Crazy?

Posted: 02 Mar 2014 02:23 PM PST

Name: Betty
Comment: Hi Moxie thank you for your site, I read and comment frequently (under a different name MOXIE’S EDIT: Yes. You originally commented as Ms.M. Now you comment under a different alias. Kind of obvious.) I am 34 and I am about to go back to online dating after a while away from New York. (I left New York in August and I am returning in May). Last year, over the summer I met a lot of people, I was very open about meeting many men, as long as they seemed like interesting people. By the way, I was flexible age-wise as well (and still am). The thing is, my priorities have since changed. I want more than to just “meet interesting people”. At this point I am consciously looking for a serious LTR.

Last year, I would get lots of emails and exchange very few messages and just meet almost right away which was nice to get it done, but then I’d find out immediately after meeting, some facts that were disturbing; had I found out what I did before hand I would have not gone out with them. Example: one man who seemed interesting (and I ended up dating briefly) told me right off the bat that he’d ended a relationship. I asked”when was that?” he said “three days ago”. Ok. Well. Basically the minute he broke up he put up an online profile.And like I said at the time I was more open, and cared less about this because I knew I was leaving town.

Another one ended up telling me almost as soon as we said “hello” that he was separated and started to tell me all these details about his marriage and his ex-wife, and was clearly still involved in the marriage somehow.

Last year, this did not bother me so much because my goal was just to meet interesting people and to see what online dating was like.

My question is: do you suggest I ask these questions about past relationships and divorce & children prior to meeting or should I just connect, exchange info and meet right away? It seems a bit intrusive to ask this sort of information over an OkCupid message, but at the same time, I feel like it would be a bit of a waste of time to go out on a date with someone who has just separated/broken up with someone. What do you suggest is the best approach? flat-out ask and sound a bit rude, or just meet as early as possible and find out in person? I know I will be meeting many people until I find someone that clicks, so I don’t quite know *how* to prioritize the situation.

Thank you!

Betty.

I’m not sure there’s much you can do besides either a) wait it out a few dates or b) ask these questions before you meet or on the first date. Of course, if you choose the latter, you’re going to scare off potential matches by seeming too intense, nosy or even crazy. Sorry to be blunt (no I’m not) but just because you’ve decided you’ve had your fun and now wish to settle down doesn’t mean everybody has to snap to attention and lay their cards on the table for you. Not everybody is comfortable with doing that.

had I found out what I did before hand I would have not gone out with them. Example: one man who seemed interesting (and I ended up dating briefly) told me right off the bat that he’d ended a relationship.

Okay, so a guy actually told you from the get go that he was just out of a relationship and you dated him anyway. So then what’s the point of this question. If you’re going to arbitrarily move your line in the sand then what’s the point in having one in the first place? I don’t even have to ask why you broke this supposed rule. He was good looking and or rich, yes? Okay. Great. Glad we’ve established that.

The reality is that everybody has their own back story. Some people leave a relationship and start dating a week later and they’re totally ready to do so. Others have an arrangement with their spouse that they recently decided to divorce. Things aren’t always as cut and dry as we’d like them to be. The only way to see if the situation works is to give it time and communicate. If people lie about certain things, there’s usually a reason. Sometimes it’s malicious. Most times their reason is pretty innocent. “I wanted to come up in more searches” or “The divorce will be final in 2 months” or “Our relationship was broken for a really long time before we decided to officially split.” Wait for them to tell you their story, then ask pertinent questions, then listen. That’s really all you can do.

If you’re going to run every time you encounter someone with a wonky relationship history, prepare to have a looooot of first dates.