And That's Why You're Single

How Do You Find Out About Their Past Without Looking Crazy?

Posted: 02 Mar 2014 02:23 PM PST

Name: Betty
Comment: Hi Moxie thank you for your site, I read and comment frequently (under a different name MOXIE’S EDIT: Yes. You originally commented as Ms.M. Now you comment under a different alias. Kind of obvious.) I am 34 and I am about to go back to online dating after a while away from New York. (I left New York in August and I am returning in May). Last year, over the summer I met a lot of people, I was very open about meeting many men, as long as they seemed like interesting people. By the way, I was flexible age-wise as well (and still am). The thing is, my priorities have since changed. I want more than to just “meet interesting people”. At this point I am consciously looking for a serious LTR.

Last year, I would get lots of emails and exchange very few messages and just meet almost right away which was nice to get it done, but then I’d find out immediately after meeting, some facts that were disturbing; had I found out what I did before hand I would have not gone out with them. Example: one man who seemed interesting (and I ended up dating briefly) told me right off the bat that he’d ended a relationship. I asked”when was that?” he said “three days ago”. Ok. Well. Basically the minute he broke up he put up an online profile.And like I said at the time I was more open, and cared less about this because I knew I was leaving town.

Another one ended up telling me almost as soon as we said “hello” that he was separated and started to tell me all these details about his marriage and his ex-wife, and was clearly still involved in the marriage somehow.

Last year, this did not bother me so much because my goal was just to meet interesting people and to see what online dating was like.

My question is: do you suggest I ask these questions about past relationships and divorce & children prior to meeting or should I just connect, exchange info and meet right away? It seems a bit intrusive to ask this sort of information over an OkCupid message, but at the same time, I feel like it would be a bit of a waste of time to go out on a date with someone who has just separated/broken up with someone. What do you suggest is the best approach? flat-out ask and sound a bit rude, or just meet as early as possible and find out in person? I know I will be meeting many people until I find someone that clicks, so I don’t quite know *how* to prioritize the situation.

Thank you!

Betty.

I’m not sure there’s much you can do besides either a) wait it out a few dates or b) ask these questions before you meet or on the first date. Of course, if you choose the latter, you’re going to scare off potential matches by seeming too intense, nosy or even crazy. Sorry to be blunt (no I’m not) but just because you’ve decided you’ve had your fun and now wish to settle down doesn’t mean everybody has to snap to attention and lay their cards on the table for you. Not everybody is comfortable with doing that.

had I found out what I did before hand I would have not gone out with them. Example: one man who seemed interesting (and I ended up dating briefly) told me right off the bat that he’d ended a relationship.

Okay, so a guy actually told you from the get go that he was just out of a relationship and you dated him anyway. So then what’s the point of this question. If you’re going to arbitrarily move your line in the sand then what’s the point in having one in the first place? I don’t even have to ask why you broke this supposed rule. He was good looking and or rich, yes? Okay. Great. Glad we’ve established that.

The reality is that everybody has their own back story. Some people leave a relationship and start dating a week later and they’re totally ready to do so. Others have an arrangement with their spouse that they recently decided to divorce. Things aren’t always as cut and dry as we’d like them to be. The only way to see if the situation works is to give it time and communicate. If people lie about certain things, there’s usually a reason. Sometimes it’s malicious. Most times their reason is pretty innocent. “I wanted to come up in more searches” or “The divorce will be final in 2 months” or “Our relationship was broken for a really long time before we decided to officially split.” Wait for them to tell you their story, then ask pertinent questions, then listen. That’s really all you can do.

If you’re going to run every time you encounter someone with a wonky relationship history, prepare to have a looooot of first dates.

Attract Girls Now

Sunday, March 2, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

And That's Why You're Single

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