Monday, March 3, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

And That's Why You're Single

Do You Keep Dating People You Can’t Trust?

Posted: 03 Mar 2014 02:41 PM PST


Name: CatherinefemalegamblerDepression1
Comment: Hi,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months. It was difficult for me to enter another relationship as my past, long-term relationships were filled with him cheating and mistrust between the two of us.

I tried it out anyway and we started the relationship well but he wasn’t the most reassuring guy or the most complementary. He states that he has always been that way. We continued the relationship anyway and he complained often that I was very insecure and it bothered him. He pushed me to trust him and told me I was silly to feel insecure as he had done nothing wrong.  He often got angry if I got insecure when he went out clubbing without me.

We broke up recently as I found a wine glass in his flat where he lives alone. I know he doesn’t drink wine. He said to me it was a friends wine glass, a friend who he has spoken to me about but has hidden the kind of friendship to me. We chat every day and I thought I knew what he was doing but did not know she visited him. I have met her briefly. I was so unsure and so hurt that I ended the relationship after finding the glass.

I thought he would be able to tell me about her, it wouldnt have upset me if he spent time with a friend. Living a 45 minute drive from each other, it makes it hard to know what goes on in his life but he decided to hide this from me.
During the break up, he tried desperately to get back together, he opened up, complimented and repeatedly said how much he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. We got back together and initially everything was much better, I was feeling great and felt adored. After about a month, he was getting irritable and complacent again with my insecurities. I asked more questions about what he and his girl friend did, regardless of how much it made him angry.
When i said to him that I didnt think I could handle the relationship, he seemed to panic and opened up again, telling me that she would come over to get movies, and they would watch a movie together if she waited for the movies to copy over. I asked him how often, he said he can't remember as she did this before we dated too. He added that she would bring over beers or some wine because she didn’t like to get movies from him empty handed. They would chill together as friends on the couch and watch movies.

I asked him if I could read his messages to her and he said he deletes messages on his phone to make space yet his phone still contains old and useless messages from other people. It all doesn’t make sense. He keeps saying it's just a friend of his; I've met her briefly when we were out. Apparently, she told mutual friends that she didn't even know he was in a relationship. I just have so much family dept and am currently finishing my degree through self study that I don’t feel I can handle any more worry or concern. I am constantly worried, paranoid, don’t believe him, feel the need to check his facebook or phone.

He said he hasn’t been in contact with her, she only asked him if she was angry and said they should go for a drink sometime to which he said yes to. It's obvious he doesn’t want to say no to her, which just adds to my concern, even though they may just be friends. I also found that he sent her links on facebook that he 'forgot' to tell me about as they were just silly links. I really feel miserable and it's adding to my stress at the moment but worry that it's all in my head. I would know that going over to watch movies alone with a friend who had a girlfriend would be unfair if I didnt know her.

I don't know much about her, I do know that she is a very pretty girl and I compare myself to her daily. I don't want to be this type of person, it's not who I truly am and I am so unhappy. I’m falling behind in work and studies.

This has given us a very ugly relationship and we are constantly mistrusting each other or fighting. I am angry that he made me feel guilty during the relationship for feeling unsure, when he really was holding this information from me.

Please may you offer me any advice on the situation?
Age: 24
City: Cape Town
State: South Africa

 

This sounds like a bad fit for the both of you. On his end, he sounds like he plays everything close to the vest. On yours, you sound exceedingly insecure, to the point where you require a great deal of validation and confirmation that the guy truly cares for you and is on the up and up. Something has to give here. Either this guy needs to become more open or you need to deal with your trust issues.

One thing  I find telling is that you’re repeating a pattern of being with men you don’t fully trust or who don’t deserve your trust. It’s not a coincidence that you are, once again, involved with someone that makes you feel perpetually suspicious. Either he’s doing something that warrants that suspicion or you’re so insecure that your boyfriend doesn’t tell you anything because he knows you’ll accuse him of being up to no good. To be perfectly honest, it sounds like once the adoration stopped, you went back to worrying. You can’t expect the person you’re dating to constantly cater to these needs and coddle you  all the time. Nor can you freak out when a couple of weeks go buy and your mate isn’t reassuring you they’re not cheating.

My closest friend in the world is a guy. We’ve been friends since college. He’s married. His wife knows who I am and that I exist, but she has no idea that we speak twice a week and have been doing so for the past twenty years. We are not nor have we ever been romantically or sexually involved. Full disclosure, yes there’s always been a slight flirtation. It’s not unlike the flirtation many men and women develop with members of the opposite sex.Would he ever cheat on his wife? Not with me. Not with anybody, I don’t think. These crushes and flirtations are common, and are most often harmless. They’re maybe even necessary to a point because they provide people with a rush or thrill that sometimes temporarily wanes in their primary relationship.The reality is that you’re never going to know what your significant other is doing when you’re not with them. You have to learn to accept that. I would never want to be in a relationship with someone who expected me to tell them about every conversation or email exchange I had with a person of the opposite sex. That’s absurd.

Does all of this mean your guy isn’t cheating. No. Of course that’s a possibility. It’s always a possibility. But perpetually thinking that your partner is cheating and being so needy is not going to prevent that from happening. If anything, that could be why you appear to frequently be in this very position. It could be that you’re creating an atmosphere that fosters resentment and mistrust. That doesn’t excuse the fact that someone would be unfaithful, of course. But it’s definitely a contributing factor.

Is he cheating? I don’t know. You keep pushing and he keeps pulling back, making you think he’s hiding something. Which he is, but it’s possible that it’s not what you think or for the reasons you think. He didn’t even bother to hide the wine glass, apparently. If he is cheating, then something like that would lead me to think he wants to get caught.

You can’t patrol what your partner is doing 24/7. Trying to do so will cause you to go out of your mind with paranoia and worry and will make your partner run for the hills.  The real issue here is that you have some pretty paralyzing trust issues that you need to work out. Until those are addressed, you’re just going to keep repeating this cycle over and over.

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