Monday, April 7, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

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Sunday, April 6, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Stop Expecting Men To Do All The Heavy Lifting

Posted: 06 Apr 2014 02:40 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Stephanie

Comment: I’ve been seeing a guy on and off for slightly over a year now. It started out as just sex. We have been friends for a long time but there are a few complications with us – he is good friends with my ex and he moved out of state for grad school 9 months ago. I assumed we would stop talking when he moved but we actually started talking more and I got to know him even better since we were forced to get to know each other instead of just sleeping together. Things were really good for awhile, I flew out there, he flew here and he actually started telling me all the things about falling in love with someone that I wanted to hear and that I trusted since it took us awhile to get there. Then one day even though I didn’t ask, he told me he didn’t want a long distance relationship. I was scheduled to fly out there the following week so I cancelled my flight and told him I wouldn’t be coming. I’m good at shutting off the emotion and we didn’t talk for a few months until recently. He now is starting to call/text me every day again. I tell him to stop, I don’t write back and ignore his questions, but then it’s as if he knows every weak moment I have and will contact me in the midst of something and I’ll cave. My question is – why on earth is he doing this? We both know he doesn’t really love me or else he would have made this work a long time ago, but it seems like a lot of work for not a lot of reward on both ends. I know he’s met a lot of people in AZ, but is he using me for emotional support perhaps? Does he just like the attention? Either way, how would you handle this? I have a weak spot for him, but I also want to move on if this isn’t going anywhere.

Thanks!!!
Age: 26
City: Denver
State: CO

I’m sorry, but I don’t have an answer for you. I don’t know him. I’m not privy to his thoughts. Looks like you’re just going to have to suck it up and ask him what it is that he actually wants. That’s the only way you’re going to know and the only reliable source of information.

When he said he didn’t want a long distance relationship, did it occur to you to ask him what he did want? Or was your first impulse to just shut down? Because if it was the latter, then you have a tough rode ahead of you. You’re never going to solve anything but closing off conversation in a situation like this. Acting mad or hurt as a way to get a reaction doesn’t help, either.

We both know he doesn’t really love me or else he would have made this work a long time ago,

How do you know how he feels when it doesn’t appear that you’ve even discussed this with him in any kind of reasonable or mature way? You’ve decided that you know exactly what he’s thinking and so you’ve proceeded to act accordingly. Again, big mistake. Huge. Why does he keep writing you? Because you cave. If you really didn’t want to talk to him, you wouldn’t.

Also, why is it his job to make it work? Because he’s the one who said he didn’t want a long-distance relationship? Allow me to enlighten you on a new change to the dating landscape – there’s no more wooing or chasing or courting in the traditional sense. You want someone? You’re going to have to go get them. That window of time that we all had to right a wrong is juuust about closed now. No more time for pre-emptive strikes or games. Oh, you want to cut things off with someone because they didn’t reply to you on your time table? Go ahead, write that email and tell them you don’t think things are working. No, really. Go ahead. Then wait three minutes for them to reply and say, “K” and then disappear. They’ve already lined up a few people anyway. They aren’t heartbroken, nor are they falling for these tricks anymore.

You’re playing a game here. You’re waiting for him to open up the appropriate line of communication so you can feel pursued and wanted and blah blah blah because you resent him for appearing to end things. You want to make him sweat it out. I got you. Well, you can do that. Just don’t be surprised if he eventually gives up and moves on.

Friday, April 4, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Why Can’t He Orgasm With Her?

Posted: 04 Apr 2014 10:54 AM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Dirty Little Secret

Comment: I recently went on a date with a guy that I’ve known for about 2 years. We work together,and over the course of time have gotten to know each other pretty well. We went on this date having already mutually determined that we would sleep together. In fact, the date part of this was just so we could get past the shyness enough to get a hotel room and have sex. Neither one of us want a relationship, just good sex with the other person. This is where the problem comes in. We started off wonderfully. The foreplay was amazing, we were both totally hot for one another and into it. He used his hands and brought me to orgasm repeatedly. However, I was never able to make him ejaculate. We tried doggy style, missionary, my legs up by my head, all kinds of things. But he said he just wasn’t stimulated enough by my vagina. Not tight enough. But I couldn’t make him ejaculate orally, either. I gave him oral off and on for literally hours. I even offered anal, thinking that maybe that would work, but then he couldn’t get inside. Now, I’ve had three children, so I admit, I may not be as tight as possible. Fine. But I’ve given a lot of head in my 30 years and I’ve never had less that a glowing review and I’ve NEVER failed to bring a guy to ejaculation. Now, my self esteem (already taking a beating since I just turned 30) is non existant. I feel like a complete sexual failure. Like, I don’t know if I ever want to have sex again. He told me not to worry, that he had a good time anyway. We joked about it. We lay awake all night in one anothers arms talking about everything. And he wants to do it again. But I don’t think I can stand the humiliation. What should I do? Is it me? Can I fix it? Help!
Age: 30
City: Gun Barrel City
State: Texas

Yeah, no. The ol’ “like throwing a hot dog down a hallway” excuse isn’t going to cut it here, and he’s a serious asshole for even trying to play that card.

The only time I’ve ever experienced something like this is when they guy has been on meds of some kind. There are other causes, of course, but that’s the most common. If he couldn’t ejaculate AT ALL when you used different methods of getting him off that’s on him, not on your body, the tightness of your vagina, or your prowess. I understand why he might want to put it on you, but he clearly didn’t think about the repercussions of doing so. If he’s not on meds or using drugs, then it’s possible he had something on his mind that prevented him from being able to climax. Whatever it was, it was him.

Our vaginas don’t just unloosen like a shoelace on a sneaker. They’re still pretty tight after childbirth or repeated sexual intercourse. Maybe not as tight as they were before, but certainly tight enough to help a guy achieve an orgasm.

He’s a dummy. Don’t have sex with him again. He was insulting you when he said you weren’t tight enough for him because his baby boy ego couldn’t handle the fact that he couldn’t reach orgasm.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

She’s 18, He’s 27. Is There a Problem With That?

Posted: 03 Apr 2014 02:41 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Beck’s JUSTFRIENDS_grande
Comment: Hi!
I met this man about 8 months ago at an event. Then he added me on Facebook and we discovered we had an age gap of 9 years. Me being 18 and him being 27, was hard to accept at the first but once we started to talk frequently the “age gap” problem disappeared. We really connected with each other. We were talking for hours each days for 2-3 weeks. After 2 months of being “friends with feelings”, things started to get pretty serious so, obviously, the “age gap” problem reappeared and we had to make a decision. Since he was not ready for it and I didn’t want to force anything, cutting ties was the best solution.

1 month after , he texted me and said : “How are doing? …. I miss you. ” so we talked again but very briefly because I didn’t want to go through the same process again.

The next month, he started liking pictures and status that I posted. Obviously he was trying to catch my attention. And it worked! So we decided to be friends again.. ( I know really dumb decision. But I really liked him.. And I was not ready to let go)

Finally, he invented me on a “date” (he called it a “friend date”) and so we went skating, we ate, etc… Everything was perfect. The best date I ever went on so far and the age gap didn’t seem to bother him anymore. So I was happy… But I after a month of no progress, I felt like he was still afraid to go to the next level.

So here we are today!

We admit that we like each other once again but we’re not together yet ..
We do text each other often but he’s really busy and we don’t really have time to see each other.
My family and I are moving out this Saturday and he will be there too.. (He asked if he could come and help)

I’m not sure what’s going on right now. I really like him and I wish things were easier for us..
What I want is to be with him for sure but I don’t know what he wants.
But this time I feel like he’s at least trying to make moves..

So my question today is : Should I just go with the flow and see if things will get better with time .. And for how long should I wait ? Or should I definitely cut ties with him?
Age: 18
City: Ottawa
State: Ontario

Well, let’s start with the most important factor here. In Ottawa, the age of consent is 16 year sold as of today. Literally as of today. So legally there are no issues.

It sounds like he’s uncomfortable with the age difference. Which, in my opinion, he should be. It’s one thing for a 27 year old guy to want to have sex with an 18 year old woman. I get that. Some women have a similar fascination with young guys in that we like the idea of sexually educating them. The scenario has an appeal. Do I think it’s a little skeevy? Yes. I do. But the age of consent is the age of consent for a reason, so I’ll just let each person decide what works for them while silently judging them and giving the the side-eye.

However, there’s something off to me about a 27 year old person wanting to date an 18 year old person. Sex? I get it. A relationship? Nope. Don’t get it. If you were, say, 25 and he were 32? Eh, that’s a little different. A little. I think people in their early to mid-twenties should date people their own age or close to it. Wide age gaps between someone in their late teens and early twenties and someone late twenties and older feels wonky to me. The levels of emotional maturity are too vast, in my opinion. At least they should be. The next 10 years or so are crucial for you. He’s already at the precipice of establishing his identity. You’re at the beginning. You’ll be maturing and evolving at different rates.

I know couples with similar age ranges, and there isn’t one of them where I didn’t think the older person had some issues that led them to prefer someone that much younger. Maybe it’s a control thing, maybe they just need to be with someone totally non-threatening, or maybe they just want someone who admires them and is totally dependent on them. I’m not sure. But there’s a reason why someone that much older would pursue and date seriously someone not only that much younger, but someone with so much less life experience. Relationships are hard even when you and your partner have similar backgrounds. Throw in an unequal understanding or level of experience with money, career, life goals, etc and you’ve got a break-up/divorce waiting to happen.

Something else to consider is that not only might he be uncomfortable with the age range, but he could also be concerned with what other people might think of him. Plus, you’re underage and can’t buy or be served alcohol. That puts a major crimp in your dating lifestyle. Maybe if you were 19, the legal drinking age in Ontario, things might be a little different.

But you’re not.

This guy isn’t fully on board with dating someone your age. Better to focus on guys that are ready to date you now rather than hold off hoping that this guy will wait until you turn 20.

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Wednesday, April 2, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Tinder Tests

Posted: 02 Apr 2014 02:45 PM PDT

A good friend just sent me a conversation he had with a 30-year old woman he met on Tinder. tindermatch

The first question she asks after they exchange the initial round of “Hey, we matched” conversation was, “So what do you do for work?” She sent him two messages in a row. He replied to her initial email but not the second one asking what he did for work. He wasn’t intentionally dodging the question. He just replied to her first message. They chat some more and make plans to meet. Once again she asks him what he does for a living. And once again she sends a second message before he can reply to the first asking where he went to school.

Since they had plans to meet that night, and because Tinder is a pain in the ass to use to communicate, my friends says, “Why don’t we cover that stuff over drinks tonight?”

She replies and says she’s going to pass, saying she didn’t think she was asking anything too out there.

“I just wanted to get a little more info before meeting” she said.

Well, no. She wanted to see how much he was going to disclose to her and hoped to determine that he wasn’t unemployed. As an aside, I’ll say this. Jumping immediately to the what do you do for work/where did you go to school questions is a sign of poor conversation skills. If you can’t come up with anything else besides those two questions when you’re initially making conversation with someone, it’s safe to say that you’re a bore.

As I’ve mentioned before, Tinder is going to separate the wheat from the chaff within the singles scene. It’s not for the faint of heart. You have to be willing to forgo all the usual messaging and get to know you steps if you wish to use it to your advantage. Personally, I bail when any Tinder match tries to converse with me beyond 3 emails. It’s just far too arduous to sit on my phone and type. The only way to engage someone on Tinder is through your phone or iPad or tablet. Most people use their phone. This is another reason why people are ghosting faster. Writing messages while using your phone is a pain in the butt, fraught with typos and screen shifts and the like.

My guess is that my friend’s Tinder match thought he was being dodgy by not answering those questions. I can see that. It’s important to realize that those questions are immediate red flags to most men. A woman might think she’s “just making conversation” but most men know that’s not the case. She’s trying to get details to check him out or she’s testing him to see how much will reveal to her, a stranger.It’s a hoop, and most people hate hoops.

People know when someone is on a fishing expedition. People also know when they’re being tested. As the digital dating scene continues to intensify and move faster, the people who needs to have all their boxes checked and T’s crossed are going to lose out.

Be warned.

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Would You Dump Someone If They Gave You An Ultimatum?

Posted: 02 Apr 2014 01:44 PM PDT

Name: Rootie

Website:
Question: I’ve met a man who I believe is my “soul mate” as well as he believes I’m his. We have so much chemistry and connection, have a great time together, enjoy the same interests and have been dating for 8 weeks now. I am a smoker and he’s a non-smoker (he knew this when we met). I NEVER smoke around him or WHILE I am with him. I do have a PLAN to quit and am working on this, he’s knows I have a PLAN, but however, out of the blue, he gave me an ULTIMATUM that it is either HIM or my cigarettes. He said that if I LOVED him enough, I would quit. I walked away and I am NOT quitting over an ULTIMATUM, but I am going to continue to work with my plan to quit. Why do you believe he gave me an Ultimatum instead of talking it out with me? Confused and frustrated.
Age: 57
State: MD

Every smoker has a “plan” to quit smoking. Been there, done that. He dumped you because he knows you’ll never quit and he doesn’t wish to date a smoker because he doesn’t wish to be with someone who will likely develop cancer or some other illness and die or at least have their quality of life greatly reduced. Crazy, right?

He’s right. If you loved him enough, you’d at least try to quit. Just like he tried to date you even though you smoked and he clearly HATED IT.

You go on with your righteous indignation and continue with your plan to eventually quit someday maybe.

Thoughts?

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Tuesday, April 1, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

If You Can’t Get Laid Without Serious Effort, There’s A Problem

Posted: 01 Apr 2014 05:08 AM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Playful Kitten
Comment: I’m in my mid thirties and have been single now for a year. I’ve had a couple of hook ups and one proper date (which I instigated).

My problem is I never seem to get hit on when I go out. The last time it was a married guy and I quickly got out of that situation. I don’t do married.

I’m trying everything to look approachable, smiling and making eye contact with guys I think are cute but nothing ever happens. It seems as though I am surrounded by men already in relationships. Even just getting a hook up is hard. I get matches but they never bother to start a conversation or reply.

The only guys I seem to end up with are only after one hour stands (seriously never been longer than that )

One guy said that men are probably scared to approach me so what should I do other than always have to make the first move (which doesn’t always pan out).

Help!
Age: 36
City: Camden
State: London

Even just getting a hook up is hard.

The only guys I seem to end up with are only after one hour stands (seriously never been longer than that )

Okay, folks. Buckle up. This is going to be one of those posts.

The simple and most likely answer to this is that you’re putting yourself in situations where you are either a) flirting with guys who are out of your league or b) surrounding yourself with women these men find more attractive.

The issue isn’t that you’re intimidating or that men are somehow apprehensive about approaching you. Know how I know that? Because you can’t even get laid without making a concerted effort. People say things like, “Oh, guys are just intimidated by you” because that’s easier than saying, “You’re not attractive enough to pull the guys you want.” That doesn’t mean you’re not attractive. It means, and pay close attention to the verbage here, you’re not attractive enough to pull the guys that you want.

If you’re putting yourself in a setting where you’re surrounded by other women, you’re immediately setting yourself at a disadvantage. I’m talking strictly from a numbers perspective. If you’re 36 years old and hanging at bars or pubs or going to events that mostly attract a twenty-something crowd, that’s part of the problem. You need to put yourself in situations where you stand out. That means going to events that attract a thirty and forty something crowd.

Let’s be honest, single women. We often opt for the bright and shiny than the tried and true. We find the younger men more attractive, too. If we didn’t, I wouldn’t have a column. I can’t tell you how many profile review sessions I have where women in their forties insist upon focusing on the men in their mid to late thirties guys rather than pursue men their age or older.

“But..but…I get a ton of emails from guys in their twenties and thirties!” they say. Super. We all do. It means nothing.

“Well, have any of those guys turned out to be men you’ve dated long term?” I ask.

The line goes quiet. “Well…I still see some of them.”

So that’s a no?

If I hear one more man or woman express disdain for dating someone their own age or older because, like, ewww, I’m going to lose it. So what that they’re not as active as you’d like them to be? You’ve been doing all those activities on your own for this long, why can’t you continue to do so? Why do they have to share your love of zip lining or yoga or whatever else you do? Who cares? Okay, fine, you don’t want someone who stays inside wearing stretchy pants all day watching TV. I get that. But stop acting like there are the active people and the couch potatoes. There’s an in between there. You’re using the activity issue as an excuse to justify you’re own ageism and discomfort with getting older.

Stop posting photos that are 3-5 years old, people. (This goes for men and women equally.) Stop presenting yourself as though you’re not the age that you are. Cease and desist with all the mentions in your profiles about how you’re young at heart or don’t feel your age or how people always mistake you for younger. And set reasonable preferred age ranges. Holy bejeebus. If you’re a person in their late thirties or older – man or woman - and the lower end of your age range spans 10 years but the higher end spans, like, 3 years, you look delusional and rigid and ageist. It’s not cute. It’s sad. Don’t get me wrong. You can actually prefer and pursue that age range. Just don’t make that public on your profile. Fake it. Pretend.

And for those few who are going to whine about how I don’t root for my readers or some other such nonsense because I dare to suggest that someone might cast their net a tad too far, understand this. I’m not going to apologize for the fact that I see things for how they are rather than how you wish they would be. As for the other sub-section of perpetual complainers, no, I’m not saying take what you can get. I’m saying focus your efforts on people who want you, as I will almost guarantee that once they’ve gotten it out of their head that they’re probably never going to get that bright and shiny puppy, they’ll see that there are a plethora of other options that they find equally attractive.

End rant. Back to the OP.

Regardless of the type of men you choose to pursue, the trick is to get them away from all the other options surrounding them.

If you meet a guy online that you like, you need to get that first date set up pronto. Don’t allow the conversation to lag because the longer you go chatting without meeting, he’s on that site messaging other women. Screw the rules and gender roles and the oh I like a man to be a man bullshit. You have to ask him out. You have to be assertive.

See someone at a party or gathering that you like? Approach him. Get really comfortable with the possibility of being rejected and just walk right up to him and introduce yourself. That’s one way to separate yourself from the crowd.

If you’re never getting approached, there’s a reason for that. It’s not just random bad luck. If you struggle to get a guy to have sex with you, that’s a huge red flag that something is off, something that you’re not mentioning here. Is it a third eye? Do you have a hump on your back? I don’t know. It could be as simple as you’re as picky when choosing casual sex partners as you are when trying to find a relationship. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’m the same way. But if you’re not converting any of these initiatives into a sale, so to speak, and the few you are closing don’t stick around for more than an hour then Houston, there’s a problem. If these guys don’t stick around longer than an hour, then I really hate to say this, but that sounds like they were having sex with you just to get off and probably weren’t attracted to you. If these men aren’t coming back for seconds or hanging out or anything, then something is very, very wonky.

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