Friday, April 11, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Help! I’m 15 and Have A Crush On a Girl At School

Posted: 11 Apr 2014 03:29 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): KS

Comment: Hello friends!! I actually like a girl a lot. I have never talked to her. I see her in hallways and she looks back at me sometimes and her friends always like giggles when i am around. I decide to talk to her but just i get very nervous and cannot talk. It’s been 4 months since i like her and i just want to know if it is too late to ask and recently she seems to be upset because i never talked to her. When i go near her my heart just starts beating very fast. Please help me out!
Age: 15
City: Holtsville
State: New York

It’s never too late!

Next time you see her, just say hello and ask how her weekend was. Let the conversation unfold naturally. Stick to simple topics like what’s going on at school, activities or even movies or TV. Simple stuff.

Just be friendly and respectful, don’t comment on her looks or clothes or body, and talk to her like a human being. It’s okay to be nervous. Even adults get nervous when they talk to people they have crushes on,

Rejection happens to everybody, so don’t fear it. You will absolutely bounce back from rejection. We all do. But you’ll feel worse if never tried to see if she likes you back.

Go for it and report back! Good luck!

Why Has The Sex Gotten Less Kinky?

Posted: 11 Apr 2014 06:07 AM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Happy but curious
Comment: My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year. I’ve only had one previous relationship last longer than this one so I don’t know if this is something that happens to all relationships or just mine but I’ve noticed the sex is so different from when we first started dating. At first he would throw me on his bed and rip my clothes off and have really raucous rough sex with me all over his bedroom and say really freaky things (some of it good, some of it …whoa) and as we’ve gotten to know each other better and gotten more serious the sex has definitely mellowed out, he’s not rough with me unless I explicitly tell him to be, still some dirty talk but he doesn’t say gross things anymore, all improvements from where I stand.

I’m just wondering though…it seemed like at first he wasn’t really sure where this was headed and didn’t hold back whatsoever, but once he fell in love with me the sex almost overnight became more romantic and less thrash. Or are we just past the initial excitement of sex with someone new so it’s just tame sex and I don’t know the difference? Is this a thing? Do some guys do this type of thing where they let their freak flag fly at first but reign it in once they’re more emotionally invested?
Age: 27
City: Los Angeles
State: Ca

It sounds like you and your boyfriend have found a groove, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Your guy could just be reading your cues and adjusting his sexual style to meet your preferences. Of course, there’s also the whole ebb and flow aspect to a couple’s sex life. It’s normal to settle in to a sexual style.

I do think there’s something to theory that, when feelings deepen, the sex changes for some people.For them, it feels weird or strange to do certain things to a partner that they care for. That’s about their attitudes towards sex and sexuality. To them, being rough with a partner or requesting certain acts be performed does not align with caring for someone. They don’t feel comfortable treating someone roughly or acting in a way that is often considered “slutty.” There’s a disconnect present for them that makes it hard to reconcile their desires with their feelings. Plus, there is that possibility that they reserve certain acts or behaviors for a certain type of person or relationship. Like, they won’t give you a facial because facials are “slutty” and you’re their girlfriend so you can’t be slutty. It’s a block that they have, and it’s kind of problematic because it’s indicative of some troubling opinions they have about women.

Thoughts?

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Thursday, April 10, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Guys Who Turn Down Sex Are Suspect To Me

Posted: 10 Apr 2014 05:19 AM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): ALA
Comment: I’m new to dating, I’ve had one long term bf (7 years? and a fling with a friend (> 3 months). I kind of just stating going out wth them because it happened but I never really felt any zing in the relationship.

I’m now 28. Started dating (online) and met this guys I really clicked with, like to an insane degree!! I had the first date, we went for lunch and just talked, then wandered around town and he was trying to figure ways to extend the date. I think, to be honest I would have too only I had somewhere to be that evening and couldn’t cancel.

I’ve had another date since, we had dinner and he watched a film at my place. I’m wondering if that was a mistake? But it was nice, we talked, cuddled and things got a little more heated (no sex, but things got sexual) I presumed it was sex he was after but when I followed on he said, quite sheepishly no to sex as it was only the second date and sort of apologised for taking things further than they should go.

My best friend told me this was a bad idea, but I’m so flipping naive I really don’t know if I’m doing this dating thing wrong (I’ve never dated, all exes were friends). She told me he was probably just after sex, as he stayed over, while another friend says differently? It’s so confusing ha!

Any advice, have I well and truly screwed the pooch on this one? Also that reaction to him, like feeling something, was so foreign. I think I’m going bonkers haha :p though it’s all perfectly normal I’m sure :p
Age: 28
City: Hertford
State: Kent

Okay. There are a few points we can address here.

First, if you’re not ready to take things to a sexual place with a guy, don’t invite him to your home. There are expectations that come with that, and most people with dating experience know that. Keep dates to public places until you’re ready to take things to a physical level.

Next, try not to schedule dates around other appointments. You don’t ever want to interrupt good momentum by saying you have to leave. Plus, it makes your date feel like they are one of several options, especially if you meet them online. It’s not a good feeling to hear your date say they have someplace else to be. It sounds like an excuse to cut the date short. You want to be completely present on a first date. Ignore all the suggestions that you keep a first date to 45 minutes or that you should leave them wanting more. It’s horrible advice, and I assume it’s only dispensed by people who have never actually implemented it. Also, I’m not a fan of lunch or coffee dates. There’s something awkward to me about those two scenarios. They don’t lend themselves to the kind of setting and mood I prefer for a date. YMMV on that one. Plus, coffee and lunch dates scream cheap to me.

meangirls10

Could he have been hoping to have sex? Absolutely. But that doesn’t mean that’s all he was after. Of course your friends are going to say that. That’s what happened to them and that’s how they connected the dots to explain why certain guys faded on them when they were in a similar situation. They aren’t you. You aren’t them. Not sure why these concerned friends didn’t tell you ahead of time that a second date at home was problematic. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and say they didn’t know. Moving forward, don’t turn to your friends for dating insights. Most people have difficulty being objective. Their responses will often be colored by their own experiences, leaving you with varying degrees of conflicting advice.

mean-girls-19

but when I followed on he said, quite sheepishly no to sex as it was only the second date and sort of apologised for taking things further than they should go.

I’m assuming that there was more to this exchange other than he just stopped you from heading for the buckle on his pants. If he sensed your hesitancy, then it makes sense that he would then act like he didn’t want the sex anyway. Denying sex is a great way for guys to score points with women, and they know it. He knew he probably wasn’t going to get it anyway, so he decided to use that to his advantage by saying he wasn’t after sex and felt it was too soon, etc.

Side note: Guys who turn down sex are suspect to me. I read this article recently and I wanted to burn my own eyes out with acid. From the article:

I like to be in control. I'm a man who sets his own rules. I like to do things differently, so the longer you make her wait for sex and the more you tease her, the more she's going to desire you.

The longer you leave her wanting you, the more she'll need you and beg you for sex. I like to hold out as long as I possibly can.

It's all very casual and fun. You light some candles, you talk, you hang out and you cuddle up on the couch. It starts to get late and that's when you tell her she can stay over.

This is something I tell every guy I coach: If you want the greatest sex of your life, let her sleep over the first time without having sex with her.

Literally let her sleep over like you had sleepovers as a kid. Give her a pair of pajamas, spoon her and make her feel safe and comfortable. When you do that, she's going to be aching to have sex with you, and it doesn't matter what date it is.

stark

This is the type of stuff men are being told to do on dates. And, of course, the guy who write it gets alllll kinds of poontang, amirite bro? There’s nothing authentic about these tips. Notice that none of this advice is geared towards getting to know the woman better. It’s all about creating an illusion and building “tension” which is just a nice way of saying that men should mess with women’s heads so that they beg the guys for sex so they guy can have his ego stroked.

orlyrick

While I don’t think the guy in the OP’s letter was being manipulative, I do think he was saving face. That’s understandable. I merely bring this all up because it’s important not to use a man’s refusal to have sex as evidence of genuine interest.

Thoughts?

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Wednesday, April 9, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Personal Post – Afraid to Die Alone?

Posted: 09 Apr 2014 11:24 AM PDT

The other night I was sitting at my desk and I reached around to scratch an itch on my back. My thumbnail ended up grazing kidcubby a fairly sizeable bump on my back. The growth wasn’t tender the way a pimple usually is. I poked at it a little more and then went into my bathroom to check it out. By this point, it was a dark red in color.

I immediately got dressed and headed over to a medical center a few blocks from my apartment. I knew I wouldn’t be able to wait 24hrs to see my regular doctor. I’d go out of my mind with worry. So I sat in the waiting room of the medical center for 45 minutes and then an exam room for another 10 minutes until a nice Russian doctor came in. He took a look at the fleshy bump and said he believed it was a skin tag. I then got referred to a dermatologist and saw them the next day to confirm. Again the doctor told me it was most likely a skin tag and that the discoloration was due to it rubbing up against my clothes, especially my sports bra that I wear at the gym.

It was…nothing. But when you suffer from clinical anxiety, it’s EVERYTHING. Your mind creates false scenarios. An episode can last a few hours or occur off and on for several weeks. Rational thinking flies out the window. The end result, for me, is that my body remains in a state of tension for an extended period of time. While I’m in that state, I’m unaware of how tense I am. It’s only when the episode ends and my body feels that whoosh of relief do I then notice my legs are completely cramped up and I have a shooting pain in my shoulders. I fell asleep for 3 hours and woke up feeling like I had been asleep for days. As I said in the comments last night, it’s like a power surge. It completely knocks me out.

A health scare is one of those things that makes you starkly aware that it’s just you and only you. One of the many things I found absurd about that list of reasons your life changes when you’re in a relationship was the idea that being in a relationship meant you had someone in your life who was somewhat obligated to nurse you back to health.

Now, my Dad was an anomaly in many ways. I’ve spoken of how he used to carry my Mom from room to room so she could look out a window or watch us open Christmas presents because she was too weak from cancer to move. He would also make sure that he took off work to drive her in and out of Boston for her chemo treatments. He replicated that behavior with my step-mother when she got both sclererderma and cancer. He NEVER missed an appointment. He also transported my sister to and from her chemo appointments both times she was diagnosed. Her husband rarely if ever did that. And, of course, he made a life-ending decision to get open heart surgery at 86 so that he could get an extra two years on his life strictly so that he could be around to care for my rapidly declining step-mother. He didn’t do it for himself. He did it for her. Had the scenario played out the way he had expected, he would have been present to nurse my step-mother as best he could until she passed away. His plan was to be there for her, because that’s what he did.

He would have ended up alone. In the end, he would have ended up by himself. And he would have accepted that. He always drove himself to all of his doctor’s appointments. He never let anybody else do that for him. He could have continued on being that self-sufficient probably until his last few days on earth, give or take.

I said it in yesterday’s post – learning how to be self-sufficient truly is a benefit of being single. You’re going to have those moments where you need someone to hold your hand, and eventually you’ll probably find that person. But in the interim, every experience you have where you have to push through prepares and strengthens you. Instead of bemoaning that, value it. I freely admit that I walked into the small cubby filled with toys and books for the younger patients, and I cried. I was alone and I was afraid that I was going to hear something I didn’t want to hear. While I had people to turn to who checked in on me after the fact, it never occurred to me to ask any of them to sit by my side and hold my hand through process. And I’m kind of happy about that. Of course, I may be too self-sufficient. That’s another story for another day.

People like to throw around the insult that someone is going to die alone. Reality? You probably will. That’s why you can’t let the threat of that be so paralyzing or so intense that it encourages you to jump into something. Throughout your single years, you’re going to learn invaluable coping and life skills that will make you a that much more successful partner in a relationship, namely that you’ll develop a confidence in your ability to handle things on your own.

This was actually my second trip to a doctor in the past few weeks. I went to my regular doctor a couple of weeks ago due to pain I was having in my jaw that was traveling down my neck to my shoulder. The pain had come and gone for about a month. and so I decided to get it checked out.

“Are you projecting your voice a lot?” he asked.

“Do you mean yelling?” I said

“Well, that’s one form of it. Yes.”

“Then yes.” I said.

Turns out it’s a muscular strain compounded by anxious jaw caused by tension. Because apparently, that’s a thing.

As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, one sister is filing for a petition for removal to have herself removed from the deed to the condo we inherited. The sister who lives there refuses to sign the purchase and sale agreement, which means if things continue the way they have been, we’re in for yet another protracted legal dispute. The sister filing the petition has been pestering about when I would sign and return the purchase and sale agreement. My honest feeling is that the unit needs to be sold so that we have no ties to the property. However, I don’t like the idea of removing my sister from her home without a back-up plan in place. So, I contacted my father’s lawyer and had him draft up a letter stating that I would only sign the agreement once a plan has been devised and set in place with all appropriate documents lined up and signed. I also stated that it’s my opinion that my sister living in the condo is mentally ill and therefore special consideration needs to apply. My sister filing the petition said I would need to be the one to rent my sister an apartment up in Boston if that’s how I wished to proceed. The sister being removed from the condo has shit credit. I suggested we sell the condo, take two years worth of rent and put that down on a place for my sister. That way there’s no risk of her not paying her rent. In addition to that, I suggested the sister who would be living in that apartment would have to make monthly payments of $600 or so that we would put away. That way there’s a reserve for her when the two years of rent is gone and it teaches her how to be more disciplined with money. I have no idea if my sister filing the petition will now direct any of her legal maneuvers my way or not. I just want my name off the property, because one way or another, my sister has made it clear that she will use legal recourse to get her share of the condo paid to her. Which, believe it or not, I understand. She has that right.

I’m stopping this now because I feel my jaw flaring up.

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Are You Going To Settle Eventually?

Posted: 09 Apr 2014 04:36 AM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Dating Man
:
Comment: Question for the ladies. I have one friend who is a female who I had been friends with for up to 8 years. During the time we knew each other we were platonic friends. Years passed and when I was dating another women she said she saw me in a “different light.” The question is do women change their minds about their friends?
Age: 39
City: Edinburgh
State: Midlothian

I think two things are at work here.

First, when she was younger, she felt like she had a ton of options. You were just a nice guy she knew. Then, once she got to that age that many men and women arrive at where they feel like time is running out, she starts to panic. She’s not getting as much attention from men, dating has become more difficult, and she’s not meeting many guys who want anything long-term. Suddenly you become more attractive. You’re the stand-by guy. You’re Plan B.

Amplifying her supposed attraction is that you’ve taken up with someone else, thereby proving to her that other women find you desirable. On top of that, she sees you slipping away a bit. Now she’s really inspired to try and make something happen.

Do I think she now sees you in a different light? I guess that’s one way of putting it. I’m sure she believes that. The question is, what is actually motivating her to see you differently? Is it fear of being alone or a need to prove something to herself or her female peers? I think so. She sees her options dwindling and her goals/dreams escaping her. You’d be amazed what a powerful motivator that can be for some men and women. I see plenty of men who are getting up there in age who still cling to the desire to have children who absolutely make concessions and even date down by their previous standards just to make that happen. I would guess we all do it at one time or another.

As I’ve said, time and again, our standards are only as firm as our options. Another bit of sage advice I have dispensed is that despite all their claims to the contrary, many people eventually settle in one way of another. We just find a way to justify it so that we can continue to purport that we had it right all along and that we eventually found what we were looking for.

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Tuesday, April 8, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

So If Women Just Lost Weight They Wouldn’t Be Single? OK.

Posted: 08 Apr 2014 01:55 PM PDT

men don’t think in terms of best. I mean, is Rachel MacAdams better than Megan Fox? Whothef-ckcares?! they’re both hottt.

men are much, much less competitive with each other than women are with each other. For women, “best” means “better than her guy.” I don’t think men think that way.

In some sci-fi films, men create female sexbots. They all look pretty much the same. All the men are happy with their slender pretty female sexbot.

But would women be happy if they all had the same hunky tall lantern-jawed male sexbot? In that scenario, all women would have a clone of their friend’s male sexbot. So, they couldn’t perceive themselves as having higher value man (sexbot). They couldn’t use male sexbots as tokens in an intragender competition. They couldn’t say “my sexbot is taller” or “my sexbot earns more” or “my sexbot is smarter.” They could say only “my sexbot has a lower serial number than your sexbot.”

men created the notion of sexbots.

Women created the notion of value. – Avery

Moxie’s advice is not bad, but most women who get rejected are rejected for weight. Not all, but many.

Men know they should/can earn more money (and lift weights). When I list my income online, I get a lot of attention. Maybe it’s no better than getting breast implants, but it may signal ambition, drive, and know-how.

Most people don’t believe they can change their body or their income. As a gym-nut, I think it’s really possible to change one’s body. Income is harder to change.

An old building-mate of mine who was running a small bookstore (a labor of love) proposed to his hot girlfriend (he’s tall, handsome, and very intelligent). She said “yes, on the condition that you give up the bookstore and get a real job.”

What i look for in a woman is version of my ex-girlfriends. I liked most of them. I was into all of them. When I do online dating, I sense that many women are seeking men who in no way shape or form resemble men they have ever dated.

Women seem to HATE it when men talk about ex-girlfriends. But it’s GOOD, if the men liked those women, because it means men’s wishes and hopes are grounded in reality. But women, I think, are greatly attached to the idea that love is always new and immaculate and magical and erases everything that went before it. That seems very Immaculate Conception or very New heaven and New Earth. It’s like messianic attitude toward love. For men, it’s more like denim. I love this wash and that fabric blend, but the cut is wrong. If I could JUST find a pair with the same wash and fabric blend, but the right cut, I’d never take those jeans off. I’d wear them forever.

I think the solution is to work out all the time and base your romantic hopes on happiness you’ve had in the past. Maybe very few people online have actually had serious relationships. – Avery

Thoughts?

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