And That's Why You're Single

Posted: 09 Apr 2014 11:24 AM PDT

The other night I was sitting at my desk and I reached around to scratch an itch on my back. My thumbnail ended up grazing kidcubby a fairly sizeable bump on my back. The growth wasn’t tender the way a pimple usually is. I poked at it a little more and then went into my bathroom to check it out. By this point, it was a dark red in color.

I immediately got dressed and headed over to a medical center a few blocks from my apartment. I knew I wouldn’t be able to wait 24hrs to see my regular doctor. I’d go out of my mind with worry. So I sat in the waiting room of the medical center for 45 minutes and then an exam room for another 10 minutes until a nice Russian doctor came in. He took a look at the fleshy bump and said he believed it was a skin tag. I then got referred to a dermatologist and saw them the next day to confirm. Again the doctor told me it was most likely a skin tag and that the discoloration was due to it rubbing up against my clothes, especially my sports bra that I wear at the gym.

It was…nothing. But when you suffer from clinical anxiety, it’s EVERYTHING. Your mind creates false scenarios. An episode can last a few hours or occur off and on for several weeks. Rational thinking flies out the window. The end result, for me, is that my body remains in a state of tension for an extended period of time. While I’m in that state, I’m unaware of how tense I am. It’s only when the episode ends and my body feels that whoosh of relief do I then notice my legs are completely cramped up and I have a shooting pain in my shoulders. I fell asleep for 3 hours and woke up feeling like I had been asleep for days. As I said in the comments last night, it’s like a power surge. It completely knocks me out.

A health scare is one of those things that makes you starkly aware that it’s just you and only you. One of the many things I found absurd about that list of reasons your life changes when you’re in a relationship was the idea that being in a relationship meant you had someone in your life who was somewhat obligated to nurse you back to health.

Now, my Dad was an anomaly in many ways. I’ve spoken of how he used to carry my Mom from room to room so she could look out a window or watch us open Christmas presents because she was too weak from cancer to move. He would also make sure that he took off work to drive her in and out of Boston for her chemo treatments. He replicated that behavior with my step-mother when she got both sclererderma and cancer. He NEVER missed an appointment. He also transported my sister to and from her chemo appointments both times she was diagnosed. Her husband rarely if ever did that. And, of course, he made a life-ending decision to get open heart surgery at 86 so that he could get an extra two years on his life strictly so that he could be around to care for my rapidly declining step-mother. He didn’t do it for himself. He did it for her. Had the scenario played out the way he had expected, he would have been present to nurse my step-mother as best he could until she passed away. His plan was to be there for her, because that’s what he did.

He would have ended up alone. In the end, he would have ended up by himself. And he would have accepted that. He always drove himself to all of his doctor’s appointments. He never let anybody else do that for him. He could have continued on being that self-sufficient probably until his last few days on earth, give or take.

I said it in yesterday’s post – learning how to be self-sufficient truly is a benefit of being single. You’re going to have those moments where you need someone to hold your hand, and eventually you’ll probably find that person. But in the interim, every experience you have where you have to push through prepares and strengthens you. Instead of bemoaning that, value it. I freely admit that I walked into the small cubby filled with toys and books for the younger patients, and I cried. I was alone and I was afraid that I was going to hear something I didn’t want to hear. While I had people to turn to who checked in on me after the fact, it never occurred to me to ask any of them to sit by my side and hold my hand through process. And I’m kind of happy about that. Of course, I may be too self-sufficient. That’s another story for another day.

People like to throw around the insult that someone is going to die alone. Reality? You probably will. That’s why you can’t let the threat of that be so paralyzing or so intense that it encourages you to jump into something. Throughout your single years, you’re going to learn invaluable coping and life skills that will make you a that much more successful partner in a relationship, namely that you’ll develop a confidence in your ability to handle things on your own.

This was actually my second trip to a doctor in the past few weeks. I went to my regular doctor a couple of weeks ago due to pain I was having in my jaw that was traveling down my neck to my shoulder. The pain had come and gone for about a month. and so I decided to get it checked out.

“Are you projecting your voice a lot?” he asked.

“Do you mean yelling?” I said

“Well, that’s one form of it. Yes.”

“Then yes.” I said.

Turns out it’s a muscular strain compounded by anxious jaw caused by tension. Because apparently, that’s a thing.

As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, one sister is filing for a petition for removal to have herself removed from the deed to the condo we inherited. The sister who lives there refuses to sign the purchase and sale agreement, which means if things continue the way they have been, we’re in for yet another protracted legal dispute. The sister filing the petition has been pestering about when I would sign and return the purchase and sale agreement. My honest feeling is that the unit needs to be sold so that we have no ties to the property. However, I don’t like the idea of removing my sister from her home without a back-up plan in place. So, I contacted my father’s lawyer and had him draft up a letter stating that I would only sign the agreement once a plan has been devised and set in place with all appropriate documents lined up and signed. I also stated that it’s my opinion that my sister living in the condo is mentally ill and therefore special consideration needs to apply. My sister filing the petition said I would need to be the one to rent my sister an apartment up in Boston if that’s how I wished to proceed. The sister being removed from the condo has shit credit. I suggested we sell the condo, take two years worth of rent and put that down on a place for my sister. That way there’s no risk of her not paying her rent. In addition to that, I suggested the sister who would be living in that apartment would have to make monthly payments of $600 or so that we would put away. That way there’s a reserve for her when the two years of rent is gone and it teaches her how to be more disciplined with money. I have no idea if my sister filing the petition will now direct any of her legal maneuvers my way or not. I just want my name off the property, because one way or another, my sister has made it clear that she will use legal recourse to get her share of the condo paid to her. Which, believe it or not, I understand. She has that right.

I’m stopping this now because I feel my jaw flaring up.

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Are You Going To Settle Eventually?

Posted: 09 Apr 2014 04:36 AM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Dating Man
:
Comment: Question for the ladies. I have one friend who is a female who I had been friends with for up to 8 years. During the time we knew each other we were platonic friends. Years passed and when I was dating another women she said she saw me in a “different light.” The question is do women change their minds about their friends?
Age: 39
City: Edinburgh
State: Midlothian

I think two things are at work here.

First, when she was younger, she felt like she had a ton of options. You were just a nice guy she knew. Then, once she got to that age that many men and women arrive at where they feel like time is running out, she starts to panic. She’s not getting as much attention from men, dating has become more difficult, and she’s not meeting many guys who want anything long-term. Suddenly you become more attractive. You’re the stand-by guy. You’re Plan B.

Amplifying her supposed attraction is that you’ve taken up with someone else, thereby proving to her that other women find you desirable. On top of that, she sees you slipping away a bit. Now she’s really inspired to try and make something happen.

Do I think she now sees you in a different light? I guess that’s one way of putting it. I’m sure she believes that. The question is, what is actually motivating her to see you differently? Is it fear of being alone or a need to prove something to herself or her female peers? I think so. She sees her options dwindling and her goals/dreams escaping her. You’d be amazed what a powerful motivator that can be for some men and women. I see plenty of men who are getting up there in age who still cling to the desire to have children who absolutely make concessions and even date down by their previous standards just to make that happen. I would guess we all do it at one time or another.

As I’ve said, time and again, our standards are only as firm as our options. Another bit of sage advice I have dispensed is that despite all their claims to the contrary, many people eventually settle in one way of another. We just find a way to justify it so that we can continue to purport that we had it right all along and that we eventually found what we were looking for.