And That's Why You're Single

Guys Who Turn Down Sex Are Suspect To Me

Posted: 10 Apr 2014 05:19 AM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): ALA
Comment: I’m new to dating, I’ve had one long term bf (7 years? and a fling with a friend (> 3 months). I kind of just stating going out wth them because it happened but I never really felt any zing in the relationship.

I’m now 28. Started dating (online) and met this guys I really clicked with, like to an insane degree!! I had the first date, we went for lunch and just talked, then wandered around town and he was trying to figure ways to extend the date. I think, to be honest I would have too only I had somewhere to be that evening and couldn’t cancel.

I’ve had another date since, we had dinner and he watched a film at my place. I’m wondering if that was a mistake? But it was nice, we talked, cuddled and things got a little more heated (no sex, but things got sexual) I presumed it was sex he was after but when I followed on he said, quite sheepishly no to sex as it was only the second date and sort of apologised for taking things further than they should go.

My best friend told me this was a bad idea, but I’m so flipping naive I really don’t know if I’m doing this dating thing wrong (I’ve never dated, all exes were friends). She told me he was probably just after sex, as he stayed over, while another friend says differently? It’s so confusing ha!

Any advice, have I well and truly screwed the pooch on this one? Also that reaction to him, like feeling something, was so foreign. I think I’m going bonkers haha :p though it’s all perfectly normal I’m sure :p
Age: 28
City: Hertford
State: Kent

Okay. There are a few points we can address here.

First, if you’re not ready to take things to a sexual place with a guy, don’t invite him to your home. There are expectations that come with that, and most people with dating experience know that. Keep dates to public places until you’re ready to take things to a physical level.

Next, try not to schedule dates around other appointments. You don’t ever want to interrupt good momentum by saying you have to leave. Plus, it makes your date feel like they are one of several options, especially if you meet them online. It’s not a good feeling to hear your date say they have someplace else to be. It sounds like an excuse to cut the date short. You want to be completely present on a first date. Ignore all the suggestions that you keep a first date to 45 minutes or that you should leave them wanting more. It’s horrible advice, and I assume it’s only dispensed by people who have never actually implemented it. Also, I’m not a fan of lunch or coffee dates. There’s something awkward to me about those two scenarios. They don’t lend themselves to the kind of setting and mood I prefer for a date. YMMV on that one. Plus, coffee and lunch dates scream cheap to me.

meangirls10

Could he have been hoping to have sex? Absolutely. But that doesn’t mean that’s all he was after. Of course your friends are going to say that. That’s what happened to them and that’s how they connected the dots to explain why certain guys faded on them when they were in a similar situation. They aren’t you. You aren’t them. Not sure why these concerned friends didn’t tell you ahead of time that a second date at home was problematic. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and say they didn’t know. Moving forward, don’t turn to your friends for dating insights. Most people have difficulty being objective. Their responses will often be colored by their own experiences, leaving you with varying degrees of conflicting advice.

mean-girls-19

but when I followed on he said, quite sheepishly no to sex as it was only the second date and sort of apologised for taking things further than they should go.

I’m assuming that there was more to this exchange other than he just stopped you from heading for the buckle on his pants. If he sensed your hesitancy, then it makes sense that he would then act like he didn’t want the sex anyway. Denying sex is a great way for guys to score points with women, and they know it. He knew he probably wasn’t going to get it anyway, so he decided to use that to his advantage by saying he wasn’t after sex and felt it was too soon, etc.

Side note: Guys who turn down sex are suspect to me. I read this article recently and I wanted to burn my own eyes out with acid. From the article:

I like to be in control. I'm a man who sets his own rules. I like to do things differently, so the longer you make her wait for sex and the more you tease her, the more she's going to desire you.

The longer you leave her wanting you, the more she'll need you and beg you for sex. I like to hold out as long as I possibly can.

It's all very casual and fun. You light some candles, you talk, you hang out and you cuddle up on the couch. It starts to get late and that's when you tell her she can stay over.

This is something I tell every guy I coach: If you want the greatest sex of your life, let her sleep over the first time without having sex with her.

Literally let her sleep over like you had sleepovers as a kid. Give her a pair of pajamas, spoon her and make her feel safe and comfortable. When you do that, she's going to be aching to have sex with you, and it doesn't matter what date it is.

stark

This is the type of stuff men are being told to do on dates. And, of course, the guy who write it gets alllll kinds of poontang, amirite bro? There’s nothing authentic about these tips. Notice that none of this advice is geared towards getting to know the woman better. It’s all about creating an illusion and building “tension” which is just a nice way of saying that men should mess with women’s heads so that they beg the guys for sex so they guy can have his ego stroked.

orlyrick

While I don’t think the guy in the OP’s letter was being manipulative, I do think he was saving face. That’s understandable. I merely bring this all up because it’s important not to use a man’s refusal to have sex as evidence of genuine interest.

Thoughts?

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Thursday, April 10, 2014