Attract Girls Now

Monday, January 20, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Posted: 20 Jan 2014 02:39 PM PST

Name: Lisa

Comment: Hi, I’m looking for some long-term dating advice. I’m 45, never married. I’ve had little trouble finding men to date throughout my twenties and even well into my mid-thirties. I’m far from a hottie but am slender and more girl-next-door (I get told most that I look like Valerie Bertinelli). When I was 39, I had a child with the guy I was in a long-term relationship with. It didn’t last and he now lives out of state, married and with other kids. He is mostly out of the picture. Although dating was a huge focus for me previously, since I’ve had a kid I’ve really lost most of my interest. I work full-time and being a single mom keep me busy (and happy). I’m never lonely or bored. That was almost 6 years ago and every year or 18 months, I’ll rally together and go on Match and I’ve noticed some things. I have changed my target demographic, now going after divorced dads mostly a few years older than me. I still have the same response rates to online dating as in my early thirties with about 1/3 of the men I contact responding to me and leading to a meeting. I mostly pick the cute ones and feel they have some baggage but also plenty of options. Unlike before I became a mom, I rarely get to a third date. I absolutely could be wrong but I do think this is because I am a single mom (and my kid is so young and with me 100% of the time) based on the type of pointed questions they ask about his care and is it hard for me to find babysitters? I have had a couple of short term relationships and miss male companionship (and it would be nice to have sex again before I die), but I feel sort of meh about the whole dating thing. However, I do think that when my kid becomes older and is more independent, nearing college, etc. I will return to wanting a partner very much. Dating in my 40′s is hard and the pool of eligibles that I am interested in has shrunk ALOT so I can only imagine what it will be like in my 50′s. I think I still have a somewhat decent chance of finding a partner if I make it a priority now but I think the chances are slim to none in my 50′s unless I make some serious compromises which I probably wouldn’t do because I am becoming more inflexible the older I get. So here is my question: Knowing that I will likely very much want a partner in 10 years, would you make dating and finding someone a priority now which would mean really focusing and outlaying a small fortune in babysitting? OR Would you just wait until you really were ready in your 50′s and just accept it probably won’t happen for you then?
Thanks for any insight.
Lisa
Age: 45
City: Atlanta

I’m not a fan of dating breaks. The only time I feel as though someone should stop dating is if the process will do any kind of emotional or mental harm to them. Yeah, we all get burnt out by it and it gets tedious and we go through waves of never hearing back from anyone. It can get frustrating. But that kind of fatigue is fleeting.

I think there are probably a lot of different reason why you’re not getting to the third date. For sure, being a single parent of a young child is one of them. As someone who has been on the other side of it, it can be incredibly difficult to try and arrange dates or find time to meet with someone in your position. I’m sure that it’s also somewhat of a burden on you because you not only have to pay someone to watch your child, but there must be some concern over whether or not taking that time for you is appropriate or somehow damaging. It can’t be easy.

That said, I don’t think it’s productive for you to just cease all dating activity. Not only will your options shrink, but you will become more and more rigid. Plus, you’ll lose valuable experience necessary to be able to navigate the dating landscape effectively. Sorry to be harsh but, boo hoo, you’ll have to pay for a baby sitter. Just like the guys will have to pick up the check. It’s interesting how you’re concerned about the money involved with a date. I’ll bet you never even thought about that when you were single without children. Can you imagine if men decided not to date until they had enough expendable cash to shell out on dates? Hah. The population would cease to multiply.

You should always accept that it might not happen for you. That is a possible reality for everybody. There are no guarantees for any of us. Finding a relationship, if that’s what you want, takes effort and compromise. The chances that you’ll run into that guy who has the same lifestyle and schedule and outlook are slim. You’re going to have to make some concessions.

Dating can be arduous whether you’re a single parent or a bright-eyed 25 year old with a multitude of option. The thought of it is exhausting for many people at any given time. But if you’re dating with the intent of finding a relationship, it’s supposed to have a moderate degree of difficulty. You’re not just dating to go out, you’re dating to determine compatibility. I agree that it gets really fatiguing to expend the effort and ride the roller coaster of emotions many experience on first and second dates. But ya gotta do it. I don’t think anybody is ever completely ready. I’m not sure there is any such thing.

I have to be honest and say that, to me, you don’t seem to want a partner as much as you want a distraction. That, too, might be something these men sense which leads them to move it along after 2 dates. If you want a partner, then yes, you need to step it up and work through whatever it is that has prevented you from finding that. If you just want to date casually and have a companion, then that’s fine, too. But you need to figure out which one you want and then work towards that goal.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

How Do You Ignore The Fact That The Person You’re Dating Is Dating Other People?

Posted: 19 Jan 2014 01:58 PM PST

Name: CityGal
Comment: Hi Moxie,

I’ve been dating this guy who I met on an online dating website since the beginning of December. Things have been moving along fine – we see each other about 1-2 times per week and spent NYE together. I’m still casually dating others, but I really enjoy the time I spent with him the most (and hope that he’s starting to feel the same way). Not a lot to describe here, since it’s still in the beginning stages, but the chemistry I feel with him is great and I could definitely see him in my future.

However, we’re both still active on this online dating site, and when I logged on yesterday, I saw that his entire profile was revamped. (He doesn’t know when I’m clicking on his profile.) He put up new photos, new summary, everything. (it was fine before, btw) I still went out with him the day after I knew about his fancy new revised profile . But, while we were out on the town, I didn’t really know how to bring up what I had just observed online. Is it worth bringing up? My gut is saying he’s obviously on the prowl and instead of narrowing down his dating options after a month of seeing me, he’s trying to expand them by proactively promoting himself online. Thoughts?

-Alisa
Age: 35
City: Seattle
State: WA

You can bring it up, but my guess is you’ll hear something you don’t want to hear. Yes, I would agree that if he’s revamping his profile, he’s still out there looking for prospective partners.

Keep in mind what a gesture like that says. He knows you can see his profile at any time. He’s not even trying to hide the fact that he’s still actively on the market. What does that tell you about him? Mind you, it doesn’t make him a bad person as long as he’s not going out of his way to lead you to believe otherwise. But it does speak to his intentions and how he operates. He really doesn’t care what you know or find out. Some people might say that maybe he trusts her or maybe he’s just absent minded. Perhaps. But most people know the drill with online dating. They know profiles are public. They are aware of the fact that whomever they are dating can see their profile at any time. So either this person is trying to establish expectations in a passive aggressive way or has convinced themselves that they’re being honest and upfront. Neither bode well for the relationship.

But let’s also keep in mind that you were active on the site, too. For all you know, he was checking your profile as well and saw that you had logged on recently. So maybe he’s thinking what you’re thinking and that’s why he revamped his profile.

There’s really only one way to know if you and this guy are on the same page. You can’t sit back and cross your fingers and hope he’ll eventually bring it up. Yeah, it’s nice if the man initiates that stuff, it makes us feel pursued and all that good stuff. But, as we wait for a man to declare his love for us, we ending surrendering all of our power and control in the process. The bottom line is that if you want something, you need to ask for it. You need to open the door to that conversation. It can be as simple as, “Hey, do you think we’re at a place where we should both take down our profiles or should we wait a bit longer?”

Either he’ll hem and haw, in which case you have your answer, or he’ll open up and tell you what he’s thinking and feeling. Which might not be exactly what you want to hear, but it’s progress. You’ve taken a proactive role in your love life, which is a whole lot more satisfying that hanging back and hoping things will magically go your way.

Friday, January 17, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Are You Afraid That Nobody Wants You?

Posted: 17 Jan 2014 06:57 AM PST

Name: Kev
Website:
Question: I find it hard to get a date because of my age I’m 47 Single. I tried on line dating sites , the problem there is being male and over 45 they block the sign up or ask for debit card details .

I get the feeling, no one wants me hey fine it works for me
Age: 47
State: UK

The rejection that comes from online dating can be incredibly disheartening. You send out message after message and hear nothing back. The messages you do get are from people you have no interest in dating. Most of them aren’t even people you would give a chance because they are so far outside your desired criteria.

I go stretches where I get zero – and I mean – zero responses to my emails. Over the holidays I went through my sent messages and realized that not one of the men I contacted replied back to me. Even though I know that there are countless reasons why someone wouldn’t reply back, like maybe it was the holidays and people were traveling, what I took from that was that nobody wanted me.

That’s a tape that I play in my head. But the thing is, that thought didn’t start with online dating. That was a thought I’ve had in my head, probably since childhood. When I would experience rejection, that’s where my mind went. I guess it’s something that has always echoed in my head. Online dating didn’t create that thought. It just triggers it.

The last 2 months were exceptionally hard for me. Between the infighting with my sisters, getting dumped and feeling as though I was at a bit of a cross-roads career-wise, I spent a lot of time in the shame chamber. As far as I’ve come in how I’ve improved in various aspects of my life, I still felt a tremendous amount of torment. Why wasn’t I more organized and responsible? Why was I so combative? Why didn’t I get it? Why am I so intolerant of things? Why am I so analytical? Why aren’t I getting the same success as others? I do not forgive myself easily. The self-loathing creeps up slowly until it consumes me. Having my nephew throw something from my past (the bj classes) in my face was where it started. I look back at who I was as a person, a woman, a partner, and a writer and I actually feel nauseous. I’ve sat at my desk and dry heaved.

I watch as my sister stays in that place of being irresponsible and want to shake her. When I broach the topic of her finances, it’s an onslaught of insults. How dare you judge me, she says. You were no different, she says. And to some degree she was right. I see her struggle with coming to terms that we no longer had that safety net called Dad. And now that I am an owner of her home, she doesn’t seem to understand why I am so on top of her about money. I’ve spent years cleaning up my messes. I ‘m not going to lose all of that. But she doesn’t get it. There are days when I look at my Dad’s picture and say, “Why did you do this?” Other nights I lie awake and wonder how my step-mother could have done what she did and what it meant and whether it was all a lie.

I don’t talk much about my anxiety issues because I’m fearful of being judged. When I experience a cluster of triggers, I can spend several weeks to months living in my head. I get fearful and insecure. I feel raw. I self-isolate because I don’t want anybody to see through the facade, which only makes the anxiety worse. I was diagnosed with clinical anxiety as a kid. Yes, I’ve been like this since around age 7.

Sorry to go off on a tangent. My point was to explain that telling yourself something like nobody wants you is probably the worst thing you can do when you’re trying to find a relationship. Pretty soon you’ll believe it and act accordingly. It’s not that nobody wants you. It’s that the people you want appear to not want you. Plenty of people want you. You just don’t like them back. You have to be careful of distorting the truth like this. Maybe it’s time to broaden your horizons a bit and open yourself up to different types of people. Go out and socialize and meet people just for the sake of meeting them. Make connections. Most importantly, change the voice in your head.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

How Long Do You Wait For Someone To Be Available?

Posted: 16 Jan 2014 07:47 AM PST

Name: Sandy

Comment: Dear M0xie,

After my last relationship ended, I spent a lot of “me” time to relearn about myself and happiness. When I was finally ready to date again, I decided to use OKC. To make the long story short, I finally met a someone. He is funny, low maintenance and very easy going. The problem is his freelance work takes him two hours away during the week and he has obligations on the weekends when he’s home.

He did tell me about this work and obligations from our first date. Therefore, I can’t say I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I have my own obligations and responsibilities myself as well. At our age (we both in our mid 40s) we are used to a certain schedule and routine.

We both treasure the time we have and 5 months later, we’re still at it. I have deep feelings for him. Am I naive to think there will be something more in the future? Or, do I end it and save myself from another heartbreak later?

Sandy
Age: 45
City: Chicago
State: Illinois

The truth is that I don’t know what you should do. I would think the first thing you need to ask yourself is that, should his schedule not change, could you still keep at this relationship and be happy? If the answer is yes, then I think you need to ask this man if he sees his schedule opening up down the road. If not, then you have your answer. If you think you’re going to find yourself frustrated at his lack of availability, then it’s best for you to remove yourself from the situation.

Some people can handle these types of relationships. Others can’t. As long as the guy backs up his promises of wanting to get together with actions, I’m fine. It’s when it’s a string of comments that never result in anything that I get annoyed. You can be diplomatic without being disingenuous.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Dating After Betrayal: Once Bitten, Twice Shy

Posted: 15 Jan 2014 05:37 AM PST

Name: Candace
Comment: I’m curious if you or your readers have any advice for dating again after betrayal. My last relationship was two years ago which ended by being suddenly dumped and then finding out he’d been cheating on me for a month or two prior. I gave myself time to heal from the experience and have tried a bit of online dating in the past year. Although nothing substantial has resulted, I’ve noticed I’m a lot less confident with men now. I feel very much like I’m in a game where I’m competing against other women, worried I’ll never be enough and being very skeptical of compliments or attention from men, feeling like it isn’t me they like.. It could be any female with the right parts put in front of them at the right time. In regards to sex, I feel closed off and very hesitant about being sexually vulnerable lest I end up feeling foolish for having trusted that man with my body. While I haven’t met anyone I’d want a serious relationship with again yet, I worry that when I do I will be seeking proof and reassurance which isn’t fair to an honest person and a fresh relationship.
Age: 26
City: Calgary
State: CA

One of my biggest struggles when ti comes to dating is taking what men say at face value. I was talking to a friend yesterday about this very issue. It also came up in therapy the other day. (Get used to that phrase, kids.) I was telling my doctor about a date I had had a few months before. It was nice. Fine. But I went in knowing it probably wasn’t going to go anywhere. My therapist asked me why I thought that was the case. All I could say was, “I just knew.” I then discussed with him something that happened more recently. Despite being told one thing, I couldn’t help but believe the opposite. When I explained to my therapist why this particular behavior triggered insecurity in me, he pointed out that particular person sounded like a jerk. Did I have any reason to believe this other man was a jerk? No. In fact this other man has done things that make him very much not a jerk. But when he replicated behavior that I have since associated with the jerkface guy, I pulled back. I wanted to trust him. I wanted to believe him. But my desire to never be made a fool of again overshadowed that. I don’t give many people the benefit of the doubt. It’s not something I’ve ever really done with much ease. But I did it, and I got burned pretty badly for it.

Since then, I’ve been overly cautious. While I’ve managed to work through that on my own and been able to date guys, I always stayed somewhat detached from the process. I didn’t shut down or refuse to be vulnerable. I just…I don’t know. I always had it in my head that this might not last forever, so don’t get too attached.

My therapist pointed out that I appeared to have a habit of filling in the blanks or writing the script before things were actually fleshed out. Being self-aware and self-actualized are great characteristics. But sometimes you can become so aware that you see right through people and bypass what they actually might be thinking and go right to what you think they’re thinking.Yes, some people will date you just for the sex and then they’ll abandon you. Or they’ll lie or somehow use you. Those people exist. But knowing those people exist is really all you need to help you side-step those people. You don’t have to assign a diagnosis to every guy you meet.

In my mind, things are fairly absolute. There’s no such thing as a gray area. Yes or no. In or out. The wait and see part? It killed me. I couldn’t bear the thought. So I drafted up an ending on my own in order to have some peace of mind. I think sometimes we get so caught up in the where is this going part of things that we fast forward through everything else because we want to see how things are going to end.

My solution to this was to stop jumping ten steps ahead and take everything day by day. Believe him today. Just today. Focus just on today. Then the next day start all over. Believe him that day. That one day. You don’t have to take everything they say at face value all the time. Just what they say today. Seeking proof really doesn’t do any good because often times the proof isn’t real. The gestures, the comments, the reassurances, they’re sometimes offered disingenuously or out of a self-serving need to to advance the game.

You struggle with trusting someone on an ongoing basis. You don’t have to. Also remind yourself that that one guy who betrayed you or who did you wrong told you who he was by his actions. He cheated. He lied. He’s a jerkface. You don’t know what these other men have done…yet. Wait until you see concrete evidence that they’re less than sincere.Then start to question them. But until then? Just trust them today. That way if they do disappoint you, you didn’t turn all your trust over to them.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Personal Update – Sex Is Not An Accomplishment

Posted: 13 Jan 2014 03:49 PM PST

Popping in to give you an update on things. meshoot8

Therapy has been a godsend. I knew that I was pretty fragile after all that had gone on, but I wasn’t really aware of how much of that had bled into other aspects of my life. Especially dating. I did what I could to shake off a lot of what my sister’s kids had said to me, but that didn’t last for long. Hearing my nephew say that I was doing to die alone and that nobody would be at my funeral rolled around in my head for a long time.I’m hesitant to admit it, but it scared me. I don’t like to be ruled by that fear, but I’ll be damned if it didn’t take hold of me. It made me dig really deep and ask myself just how okay I was with being single. At 45, no less. Yeesh.

I was reading this article over at xoJane and I think my comment summed up some of my feelings nicely.

I realize that this is meant to be empowering, and I am happy that you are go for and getting what you want. But how come all the stories on here about women over 40 dating mostly revolve around bragging about all
the sex they have? Where are the stories from women in our age bracket that talk about finding something more than sex after 40? I mean, I get that that’s not what you want. I get that there are all types of relationships – casual dating, monogamous, polyamorous, exclusive, etc. You’re choosing this route for now and maybe permanently or maybe not.

But why does it seem like, based on what we hear here, getting laid is the only set up we ever get? And why do we seem so…grateful for it?

I’m sorry. I know this is all womp womp. I think what you’re doing is great and you sound really happy. I just would like to hear stories from women our age who talk about finding something more than sex – whatever that may be in whatever context – because getting sex really isn’t all that difficult regardless of age, body type, etc.

I mean, listen. Good for her that she walked away with a positive experience. I just get frustrated at the lack of representation that single women and men my age get. And I’m tired of the only “empowering” stories we hear about involves using sex as bait and , in return, all these women get is sex. There’s only so much you go girling that I can listen to. Getting laid while 40 or older or when you’re not slender is easy peasy. It really is. But I can assure you that a large segment of those people taking you for a ride would never date you. Not seriously, anyway. I can’t get past that. There’s so much more out there for us, but we never hear about it. Maybe because it’s harder to find and nobody likes hearing that. It is hard to date at our age. It requires so much more diligence and patience. We have to suck it up more often. There are more concessions to make. We don’t always get the untouched guy. And, as ugly as this sounds, we’ve been beaten down a bit. None of these are bad things. Once you accept certain realities then dating gets a lot easier. I just hate that the message we hear the most is that sex for women our age is some accomplishment. It’s not. It’s beyond easy to get. But finding someone honorable and real that you enjoy, that’s hard. It’s tough at any age really.

Then a couple of months ago I had a guy tell me that he wasn’t sure he could date me because he was thrown by my “dating expert” persona. He referred to me as a professional dater, which in my mind is just a squeak away from being called an escort. His explanation was that he had recently dating a woman who wrote a blog and she swore up and down that she wouldn’t write about him. But , of course, she did. He felt betrayed and unsettled. I totally saw where he was coming from, but I could get past the “professional dater” comment. I’m sure to some guys, what I do implies that I date as part of my job. It seems like no matter what I do, no matter how discrete I am, somebody will find fault with it. But then, as I’ve said, every profession has a stereotype. But this is the second time in a few months where someone commented on the fact that my “expert” persona was a bit intimidating. Before, it was that I shared too much about my personal life. Now it’s that I just know too much. The man I dated before him would say things that made it clear that he had a difficult time separating the public persona from the private one. He’d make remarks about things I’d write and “joke” with me, but it was clear things I said made him wonder just how tolerant I was.

When I told me therapist about him as well as someone else who has entered the picture, about all this, the subject of vulnerability came up. An experience with a guy a few years ago left me pretty badly burned. While I don’t regret for a moment being less forthcoming about my personal life here, I now realize that doing that has made me equally as closed off in private. Having that outlet to share and even crowd source was an expression of my vulnerability. It just made me vulnerable to the wrong people. And it wasn’t really an authentic vulnerability. It was a lot of bluster and bravado. When I confronted a guy for something that he did to me once, he said that he wasn’t trying to hurt me because, “he didn’t think he could.” That comment came up in therapy today and, combined with the guy from last fall/winter and his remarks about my intolerance, it’s clear that to many people I seem impenetrable. I even have friends who say things to me like, “I meant to call you back yesterday but I knew whatever it was was something you could handle.” Even my friend who blew me off right after my sister died said something similar. He said he thought I wouldn’t be mad because something had come up. And since we had always been so even keeled and never had drama he didn’t think blowing me off would bother me the way it did.

Apparently, people think I’m made of Teflon. I suppose I did , too. Then everything with my family happened and I learned I wasn’t. And while I might be extraordinarily self-sufficient, there’s only so much I can take on on my own. So I’m working on unraveling all that.

In other news, I’ve been talking with my sister and it looks like we might be investing in a property together later this year. I’m finally at a point where I could do that. The money obviously comes from my inheritance. But the stability comes from spending the last three years getting myself right and developing a better relationship with money. Having a father who was always there to help out is a wonderful thing. Unfortunately, it doesn’t teach you financial management or responsibility. I’m there now. I got my monthly credit report last week and learned my score is right where I wanted it to be. It’s a number I wrote on a sticky paper and tacked up on my bulletin board near my computer. I’ve been looking at apartments but everybody keeps telling me not to give up my rent stabilized place. But I need to make that money my father graciously gave me work for me, and since he bought and sold property his whole life, I think I’ll follow his lead.

Oh, and I start a Fiction Writing class tomorrow. If I do ever write a book, it’s not going to be dating advice. The idea of having to write that makes my eyes bleed. But I would like to write something that lends a voice to women my age who are single and struggling to decide what it is they want. I’d also like to write about what it’s really like to try and date when you write a dating column. It ain’t all shoes, fancy clubs and Mr. Bigs.

Monday, January 13, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Dating Profile Review – Women Want a Man, Not a Boy

Posted: 13 Jan 2014 02:31 PM PST

Name: BK
Comment: Hi there,

So I recently just started this online dating thing after I saw that one of my friends had some pretty good success on it. So here’s my thing I’m still kind of new to online dating and I understand it takes a lot of patience and less emotional attachment if things go wrong. But here’s my problem I think I’ve seen about at least 20-30 messages by now with no one responding to me. I’ve tried the usual hi, to more casual greetings like howdy or what’s up, and I usually follow up with something I noticed about their profile and similar interests I could relate to. After that I would say something along the lines of if you’re interested in me as well message me back. Here’s my profile and I was wondering if you could give me some tips on how to improve it and maybe some tips also on how I should send messages to women that I am interested in.
Age: 23
City: Daly City
State: CA

The LW linked to his profile.

First, your primary photo is of you and another friend. A lot of women will click on that thumbnail thinking they’re going to see the other guy’s profile, not yours. Your primary photo should be of you and you alone and it should be just a close up shot of your face.

The second thing that struck me is that you appear to be hunching in all of your photos or the shots are taken at a bit of a distance. Between that and the fact that you have that primary photo with your friend where you’re considerably shorter, a casual observer will wonder if you are lying about your height. You’re are clearly trying to mask it in some way, which just makes it that much more suspicious. 5’9″ is a pretty average height. You shouldn’t look that much shorter than your friend. My guess is that you’re lying about your height. I’d say you’re about 5’7″ or so, give or take an inch.

Your About Me summary isn’t terribly engaging. You don’t need to repeat that you are an Asian man with black hair. We can see that in the photos. That section is to introduce yourself to your audience. This area is for you to give people a peek inside your mind and give them an idea of your personality. All I hear throughout your profile is that there are all these things you want to do, but very little that you have actually done. Nerdy is okay. In fact, nerdy is kind a hot to a lot of women. Awkward, though, isn’t. And you come off awkward. Like you try too hard. That’s going to turn a lot of women off. The impression of you that I get is that you’re slightly immature. Lose the photos of you with the overstuffed frog, get rid of photos where you’re making the peace sign, lose the pics of you “goofing” with your friend by putting your arm on his head. Women want a man, not a boy. You come off childish. You need 3 or 4 photos. One full face, one full body and two social/active shots. Don’t use so many of you and your friends. One of those is fine, but you have about four of them.

Your profile is really bare and full of vague statements. Don’t tell people you like to learn new things. Share times when you’ve learned something new and what that involved. Where would you like to travel and why? What cultures fascinate you the most and why? You need to punch up your life a bit and make it sound like you have stuff going on. You don’t have to lie. You just need to be more specific.

Go back to the Details section and fill in every slot. You don’t have to state your income. You can select rather not say. Just select an option. The more of those options you fill in, especially income, the more searches will include your profile. People do all kinds of searches based on various criteria. You need to have all of those boxes filled or else you’ll be left out of searches.

Now for your questions. Make private all of your sex questions. All of them the answer you have now will lead people to wonder about your sexuality. Saying that you sometimes feel guilty after sex is going to be a red flag. Admitting that hearing a potential match has had more than 14 sexual partners makes you uncomfortable will also be held against you. As will the fact that you admitted you had a sexual experience with someone of the opposite sex. I know, I KNOW. It’s total bullshit that women can experiment and guys think it’s hot but that we don’t give men the same consideration. I have no issues with dating someone bisexual, nor do I care what they’ve done in the past with whom. But I don’t get the feeling you’re looking to date someone sex-positive. In fact, I get the sense that you want someone who is marginally experienced. Which really speaks to your own hang ups about sexuality. You also contradict yourself. If your match had more than 14 partners that would make you uncomfortable, but when asked if there is such a thing is having too many sex partners you say no. Wut? Make up your mind. You’re all over the place here, especially in regards to sex and sexuality. Something is off, and that kind of inconsistency would make me abandon your profile.

The sense that I get from you is that you’re still trying to figure yourself out. That sort of vibe is going to be picked up by a lot of women who read your profile.

The initial emails should be brief and not contain questions. People will often respond and answer the questions just to be nice. I would bet that many of these scenarios we hear about where people talk about men and women fading on them mid-email exchange are because the person responding to them was never interested in the first place. Here’s a sample of a good initial email:

Hey there….

I liked your profile. I’d definitely be down for a game of Monopoly as long as I can be the Top Hat. Take A look at my profile and drop a line back if you think we might be a match.

Cheers,

BK

Keep it short, don’t try to be funny or cool or sexy, and close with a clear directive. Email me back if you think we might be a match. Avoiding the compliments and having a clear sign-off will help you avoid the people who respond just out of boredom, politeness or who want attention.

Get a dating profile review! Get more details here.