And That's Why You're Single

Posted: 20 Jan 2014 02:39 PM PST

Name: Lisa

Comment: Hi, I’m looking for some long-term dating advice. I’m 45, never married. I’ve had little trouble finding men to date throughout my twenties and even well into my mid-thirties. I’m far from a hottie but am slender and more girl-next-door (I get told most that I look like Valerie Bertinelli). When I was 39, I had a child with the guy I was in a long-term relationship with. It didn’t last and he now lives out of state, married and with other kids. He is mostly out of the picture. Although dating was a huge focus for me previously, since I’ve had a kid I’ve really lost most of my interest. I work full-time and being a single mom keep me busy (and happy). I’m never lonely or bored. That was almost 6 years ago and every year or 18 months, I’ll rally together and go on Match and I’ve noticed some things. I have changed my target demographic, now going after divorced dads mostly a few years older than me. I still have the same response rates to online dating as in my early thirties with about 1/3 of the men I contact responding to me and leading to a meeting. I mostly pick the cute ones and feel they have some baggage but also plenty of options. Unlike before I became a mom, I rarely get to a third date. I absolutely could be wrong but I do think this is because I am a single mom (and my kid is so young and with me 100% of the time) based on the type of pointed questions they ask about his care and is it hard for me to find babysitters? I have had a couple of short term relationships and miss male companionship (and it would be nice to have sex again before I die), but I feel sort of meh about the whole dating thing. However, I do think that when my kid becomes older and is more independent, nearing college, etc. I will return to wanting a partner very much. Dating in my 40′s is hard and the pool of eligibles that I am interested in has shrunk ALOT so I can only imagine what it will be like in my 50′s. I think I still have a somewhat decent chance of finding a partner if I make it a priority now but I think the chances are slim to none in my 50′s unless I make some serious compromises which I probably wouldn’t do because I am becoming more inflexible the older I get. So here is my question: Knowing that I will likely very much want a partner in 10 years, would you make dating and finding someone a priority now which would mean really focusing and outlaying a small fortune in babysitting? OR Would you just wait until you really were ready in your 50′s and just accept it probably won’t happen for you then?
Thanks for any insight.
Lisa
Age: 45
City: Atlanta

I’m not a fan of dating breaks. The only time I feel as though someone should stop dating is if the process will do any kind of emotional or mental harm to them. Yeah, we all get burnt out by it and it gets tedious and we go through waves of never hearing back from anyone. It can get frustrating. But that kind of fatigue is fleeting.

I think there are probably a lot of different reason why you’re not getting to the third date. For sure, being a single parent of a young child is one of them. As someone who has been on the other side of it, it can be incredibly difficult to try and arrange dates or find time to meet with someone in your position. I’m sure that it’s also somewhat of a burden on you because you not only have to pay someone to watch your child, but there must be some concern over whether or not taking that time for you is appropriate or somehow damaging. It can’t be easy.

That said, I don’t think it’s productive for you to just cease all dating activity. Not only will your options shrink, but you will become more and more rigid. Plus, you’ll lose valuable experience necessary to be able to navigate the dating landscape effectively. Sorry to be harsh but, boo hoo, you’ll have to pay for a baby sitter. Just like the guys will have to pick up the check. It’s interesting how you’re concerned about the money involved with a date. I’ll bet you never even thought about that when you were single without children. Can you imagine if men decided not to date until they had enough expendable cash to shell out on dates? Hah. The population would cease to multiply.

You should always accept that it might not happen for you. That is a possible reality for everybody. There are no guarantees for any of us. Finding a relationship, if that’s what you want, takes effort and compromise. The chances that you’ll run into that guy who has the same lifestyle and schedule and outlook are slim. You’re going to have to make some concessions.

Dating can be arduous whether you’re a single parent or a bright-eyed 25 year old with a multitude of option. The thought of it is exhausting for many people at any given time. But if you’re dating with the intent of finding a relationship, it’s supposed to have a moderate degree of difficulty. You’re not just dating to go out, you’re dating to determine compatibility. I agree that it gets really fatiguing to expend the effort and ride the roller coaster of emotions many experience on first and second dates. But ya gotta do it. I don’t think anybody is ever completely ready. I’m not sure there is any such thing.

I have to be honest and say that, to me, you don’t seem to want a partner as much as you want a distraction. That, too, might be something these men sense which leads them to move it along after 2 dates. If you want a partner, then yes, you need to step it up and work through whatever it is that has prevented you from finding that. If you just want to date casually and have a companion, then that’s fine, too. But you need to figure out which one you want and then work towards that goal.

Attract Girls Now

Monday, January 20, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

And That's Why You're Single

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