Tuesday, March 25, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Awkward Dating Situation? Oh Well. Sh*t Happens.

Posted: 25 Mar 2014 05:55 AM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): AccidentalKiss
:
Comment: I’m a lesbian who has been trying to date more frequently lately, all in hopes of finding a great match. I recently met a woman who is beautiful and funny and smart…and whom I have very little if any chemistry with at all and I have no idea why. Nevertheless, I went out with her twice and the second time, after a couple of drinks, though I already knew it wasn’t right & I should end it there, I found myself telling her we should spend further time together. What’s more, when she asked if she could kiss me, I said “yes” and she did and…nothing. Still nothing. So now I really need to end if but I feel so guilty and awful. I have no idea what to say, but I just really think we only have platonic chemistry…what should I say? How can I deal with this?
Age: 36
City: chicago
State: illinois

This one is easy.

You lie. Yes, I said lie. Oh, you think she should be honest? You’re adorable.

Send her an email and say that you’re working through some personal stuff and think this isn’t the best time for you to be dating anyone. Then you wish her luck and sign-off. You don’t tell her you don’t feel any chemistry because she’ll think you’re playing a game or just kind of crazy. And she’s be right to think that.

What you did was odd. You just don’t do this to another person.It’s not fair. You don’t test out possible chemistry with a kiss. Life isn’t a rom com. It’s there or it’s not, and after a certain amount of time dating, you learn that. You’re approaching 40 years old. This kind of stuff is moderately tolerable in our twenties. By 36 years old, you should know better.

My hope is that people will read this and understand now why so many people they go out with fade after one or two “great” dates. To one person, everything is firing on all cylinders. The other person is going with it just to see if, at any moment, they’ll suddenly feel an attraction.

This is a typical scenario. People do stupid things. They don’t think. They say things they don’t mean. They don’t want to make things awkward by being honest. That’s why I say that it’s all just words until it’s not.

After 2 dates, it’s just words.

I’m now going to go off on a little tangent that doesn’t really have to do with you, OP.

There just comes a point where certain behaviors go from being part of the dance to being wicked annoying. It’s not funny, it’s not cute, and it certainly isn’t mature. Teasing someone with the promise of something or putting something out there you know, in that minute, you’re not prepared to follow through on is inconsiderate and immature. Nobody is sticking around to wait and see if you make good on your promise. Nobody wants to deal with your dumb dramas and power plays. They’re not invested enough. You’ll find yourself on the receiving end of a giant boot if you pull this crap after age, say, 30. If you don’t know how to handle the most basic of social situations like an awkward conversation or run-in, or a first date where there’s no chemistry, or no sex or second date after you paid the whopping $60 bill, or a request to split the check, or someone’s request to come home with you, or a request for you to leave after a hook-up, stay home.These are boot camp level experiences, folks. By 35 years old, and certainly by 40, you should have learned how to navigate them.

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Sunday, March 23, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Dating Profile No-No’s

Posted: 23 Mar 2014 02:08 PM PDT

Name: Wayne Online dating
Question: I’m 55. Why when I write down the truth about myself, which is all good, and I am a nice guy who knows how to treat a girl, and I’m not ugly, I get n0 response from women I say I’m looking for, Attractive, not overweight, between 45 – 60, smart, funny, and most important, Affectionate/Romantic.
Age: 55
State: Connecticut

If this letter is an example of your profile prowess, then part of your problem is your writing style. This letter is somewhat unreadable. It reads like you’re writing a stream of conscious ramble, not a coherent thought. You need to write something well structured that reads easily. I’ll expand on this in a minute.

If you say in your profile that you’re looking for a woman who isn’t overweight, you’re not the nice guy you think you are. The whole “No fatties!” stuff is really offensive. Then again, you’re sparing women from having to deal with your inevitable criticisms of their body by including that line.

I would guess that most if not all of the people who self-identify in their profile as a “nice person” or “nice guy” probably isn’t. Same goes for men who describe themselves as “gentleman.” Oh, you know how to treat a woman? Want a cookie for not being an abusive asshole? Knowing how to treat other people with respect should be a given. You shouldn’t have to come out and say it. Not only that, but statements like that hint at the guy having very antiquated ideas about women and how we think and what we like. Pass. Romantic is another descriptor that makes me twitchy. It plays into a fantasy and feels disingenuous. Even if it is true, show me you’re romantic. Don’t tell me. Let me decide.

Something tells me you’re being a wee bit too picky when deciding who to message and to whom to respond. Really? No attractive women in your age range are responding to you? I have a hard time believing that. To me, it appears as though your problem is a combination of your unreasonable standards and the fact that your profile doesn’t make a good impression.

Every Saturday, from 9am to about 4pm, I’m doing profile reviews. My clients and I spend the majority of the 30-60 minute sessions trying to re-write their self-summaries. Almost everybody save for the professional writers struggles with this part. Here are some common mistakes I find in the About Me sections and how to fix them.

1. Don’t waste the space. – Do not devote any time or space in the summary by giving extraneous information like how hard it is to write about yourself. Nobody cares. That first sentence needs to grab people and keep them interested. You need to open your profile with a bit of a bang. For example, my profile opens with this:

“Part Joan Holloway, part Joan Didion. I spent my first month in NYC living in a convent. True story. No, I was not considering taking a vow of celibacy.”

2. Don’t write choppy or generic sentences. - Nothing says snoozefest like, “I’m a laid-back person who is always up for an adventure. My friends say that I am reliable and always there with an ear or a shoulder. I like being active and outdoors.” Ugh. Zzzzzzzzzzz. Your summary needs to flow, not stop and start. It can’t feel like a taxi cab ride down Fifth Avenue. The sentences need to connect, and each line needs to set-up the next. Here’s another excerpt from my profile:

“I’m a lifestyle/gender issues writer living in Manhattan looking for someone who seeks a partner, a sounding board, and a companion. I’m passionate about various forms of expression and art and inquisitive about what makes us tick. I’m equal parts carnal and creative and believe wit is far more arousing than sarcasm and prefer grit over machismo and muscles.

3. Forget the buzzwords. – Adventurous, relaxed, open-minded, active, blah blah blah. Everybody describes themselves in the same way. While it’s really hard to write a profile that stands out, it’s incredibly easy to write one that is interchangeable with all the others. No, you shouldn’t resort to a thesaurus. You need to include examples of these attributes. I will again point to the beauty of bullet point lists. When things are put into list format instead of separated by commas they are easier to read. From my profile:

Some fun facts about me:
*I realized I was in serious need of grammar and punctuation lessons, so I just signed up for a course with Gotham Writer’s Workshop. (I am also going to take their Novel and Fiction writing courses.)
*If Zoolander is on TV, I set aside whatever I’m doing to watch it.
*I am fortunate to have friends who encourage me to learn as much as I can about out nation/world.
*I own maybe 8 pairs of shoes but wear my sneakers the most.
*I added a Pee Wee Herman sound clip app to my phone and play it when stressed. My favorite? “Why don’t you take a picture it’ll last longer!”
*I moved to NYC 20 years ago by myself without knowing a soul.
*I can walk 65 Manhattan blocks in 45 minutes. If Madonna is playing on my iPod, I can do it in 42 minutes.
*I volunteer to walk dogs who have been abused.

4. Don’t repeat yourself. - You can open and close with similar thoughts, but you shouldn’t continue to mention the same things throughout your profile. For example, let’s say you’re really in to staying fit. That can go in your self-summary. ONCE. You can then refer to is again in your closing or when you describe your ideal mate by saying you hope to meet someone who enjoys staying active. Your profile should not be peppered with numerous references to one thing, like your job or various hobbies. Remember, you need to utilize the few seconds you have to keep someone interested. Repeating yourself is a waste of their time and your space.

Any more you can think of?

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Saturday, March 22, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Single Women, Seize The Day

Posted: 21 Mar 2014 03:22 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): CC

:
Comment: Dear Moxie:

I’ve been reading your dating column every day for the past few months and I must say I enjoy reading every one of your articles. I’ve been struggling whether I should write to you for quite a while mainly because I am not sure how to phrase my problem. There really isn’t anything going on in my dating life-I think that’s the best way to phrase it. And being 24, an age when everyone else is getting engaged or at least in some kind of relationship, I am at a point where I am not sure what’s wrong with me. I’ve never had much luck on the dating front and I rarely admit to people that the only long-term relationship (lasted a year) I ever had was with my first boyfriend in high school and that was a long, long time ago. I never dated anyone during the entire 4 years at college and I never even joined any clubs at school (which I regret every minute of my life now). Instead, I was studying like a maniac because I was afraid to lose my full-ride scholarship due to the fact that my family couldn’t afford to pay a dime for tuition if I lost that scholarship. All that effort paid off and I graduated with straight As. Only then I realized that almost everyone else in my college class was engaged to each other and some already married. Just when I started to panic, I fell in love with my boss at an internship and it took me nearly a year to get over my feelings for him. I never pursued him because he was 20 years my senior and may or may not be married. He never mentioned a word about his family during the entire 6 months I worked with him and I thought that was a little weird because almost everyone else in the office had mentioned their wives or girlfriends or kids at some point. But that doesn’t matter because I knew that he had no feelings for me and it wouldn’t work out anyway. After I left that internship, I took a job abroad and left the country for a while. Nothing much happened during that job either. When I returned to the US last year, I was determined to put as much effort as possible into finding dates. I joined most of the major online dating sites and had a few dates with a couple of men. I was pretty optimistic when I started out doing online dating, but after a few horrible dates I kind of lost faith, but I’m still keeping my profile up. I’ve had dates with men who were so into talking about themselves and never even bothered listening to me and a man who kept saying “It was really nice meeting you” while kept staring at his fingers. Once I had what I thought was a nice first date with a good-looking guy, but later found out that the reason he went out with me was because he has an “Asian fetish (the exact word he used)” (I don’t think anybody would be very flattered when someone made it clear that they like your ethnicity rather than you as a person). Frustrated by online dating, I went out to a couple of speed dating events and social events, met some people, but never went on dates with them because nothing really clicked on the romantic front. Recently, I’ve been concentrating on my career and went out mostly to networking events, where I did meet some nice guys, only to find out that all of them were either involved, engaged or married. I’m sure I’m not the only one who is frustrated by the NYC dating scene, but I couldn’t stop wondering if it’s me or them. In the past, I’ve always thought it was me, but seeing how many people, good-looking or not, overweight or in shape, are in relationships, I couldn’t help thinking may be I wasn’t the only problem, but there is no way to know. My mother kept asking me why so and so, who is overweight and not good-looking, can find someone while I’m still single. And every time all I had to say was “I don’t know.” I’ve always known that I’m not the prettiest girl, but I do have a body that’s in excellent shape and I dress in style all the time. I have no trouble talking to strangers in social/networking events and I quite enjoy going out. In the past, I thought it was probably because I moved too much and it’s hard to establish a social circle that way. Now pretty much every one of my friends are married or engaged and moved away, my social circle is shrinking. I try to go to events and meet people whenever I have the chance, but nothing seems to be happening. I’ve made a lot of new professional contacts or casual friends at these events, but no prospective dates. I know I’m still young, but I don’t want to waste my 20s not dating anyone and repeat my mistake of not socializing in college (looking back, I have no idea why I did that because I was never a shy person). Is it just that I have incredibly bad luck or is it really me that’s the problem? Now I seem to be stuck in a situation that the guys I like are unavailable and a few guys who might like me are not my type at all (no I’m not very picky and actually most of my past dates were average-looking men). And one last thing, I have never disclosed this to anyone but my best friend-I’m still a virgin at 24. It somehow never happened partly because I have not dated much and partly because most of my dates ended after the first date and I don’t want to sleep with a man on a first date. I’m not the kind of person who wants to save for the marriage, but I can’t just go out there and find a random guy to “get it over with”. I am extremely concerned that if I do end up meeting a nice guy in the future, my lack of experience in sex will be a major turn off, which I know I will have to deal with. I apologize for the long letter, but I’d really appreciate some insights.
Age: 24
City: New York
State: NY

I had to stop what I was doing and write a response to this. Mind you, I’ve been playing Let It Go on a loop for the past twenty minutes and I’m feel particularly bold.

First, don’t you dare downplay your academic achievements. Screw all this advice about husband hunting in college. Getting a formal education is a privilege. You were in college to get a degree and study. You didn’t just do that, you excelled at that. Nobody ever got turned down for a job because they got straight A’s. Some of your peers managed to meet and marry someone while getting their degree? That’s great. That was their path. This is yours. When you find yourself comparing yourself to those women, try to stop yourself. No good will come from that. The worst thing a woman can do is look at other women and wonder why they have this or that and they don’t. I do it myself, and I always spiral down the rabbit hole. You don’t know what their lives are really like. For all you know, they too had parents who were on them every day to find a husband. You have your whole life to get married and at least another 15 to 20 years to have kids. Do you realize how long that is? Do you under stand all the things that you can accomplish between now and then? You’re already well educated and well-traveled. Imagine what else your life has in store for you, because there is so much more to do than get married and have kids. That goes for someone 24 or 64.

Let’s start by focusing on one thing at a time. First, make an effort to develop some friendships with other women that you can socialize with and who can help you navigate the singles scene a bit. You don’t want to isolate yourself. The more you’re out meeting people the better you’ll be able to figure out who the jerks are and who the good guys are. Place making friends and getting at the top of your priority list. Just focus on socializing, not dating. Dating will happen eventually. Once you’ve got your bearings a bit, then try online dating. Dating online can be a little tricky for someone who really hasn’t dated that much. The upside is that it doesn’t take long to get acclimated socially if you do it enough.

Next, I’m not sure what your relationship is like with your Mom, but time to draw some boundaries. Even though parents ask about our love lives because they want to see us taken care of and happy, they still can sometimes place a suffocating burden on us by doing so. If she doesn’t respect your request to not ask about your love life, then either learn how to tune her out or interrupt her and say, “I don’t want to end this conversation, but I will if you keep asking me about this.” You don’t need the extra pressure. Tell her that. Next time she asks why all those allegedly unfortunate women have boyfriends and you don’t just say, “That’s just how it’s worked out so far, I guess.” Don’t let her demean those other women. Again, she might mean well, but she’s going about it all wrong.

Now, as to your virginity. You’re only 24. You’re not weird for being 24 and a virgin. Whatever the reason that led to this being the case, it is what it is. You’re not a freak and you’re not alone.When you meet someone you think you want to get intimate with, you can choose to tell him or you can just..not. You’re not obligated to offer up that information. It’s nobody’s business anyway. And if you do reveal this “secret” to someone you’ve gotten to know and who has grown to care for you, he probably won’t judge you, either. Continue to use good judgment and you will pick the right men to get to know and let in to your world.

The only problem you have is that you lack experience. You’ll find your way as you’re supposed to. This isn’t a contest. Many, MANY people graduate college with limited social, romantic and sexual experience. All it takes is a little time and effort. It’s no different than studying for an exam. Apply yourself and familiarize yourself with the material. It really is that simple. Everything will fall into place. Be cautious and be wise, don’t put yourself in unfamiliar situations, rely on a few friends to help you out of your shell, and listen to your inner voice when something doesn’t feel right. The more experience you get under your belt, the easier all of this will become. Just get out there and talk to people and let people see you and your accomplishments, because you’ve accomplished quite a bit for your age.

Finally, trust that your on the path meant for you and only you. Then follow it.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

The Only Digital Dating Advice You Need Is Right Here

Posted: 20 Mar 2014 01:56 PM PDT

NOTE: This is an older post that I’ve updated with new info.

So you’re using the interwebs to ~~troll~~ look for dates. Or “dates.” Here’s what you need to do to beat the fatigue and get offline.

Stop Emailing So Many People – The one sure fire way to get fed up is to send out a bunch of emails, one after the other in rapid succession. Emailing people who haven’t initiated some kind of interest or effort is fairly pointless. “But, Moxie. That’s how I met my current boyfriend/girlfriend!” you’ll say. Awesome. How many emails and bad dates and faders did you have to go through before you met them? Yeah. Thought so. Save these messages for people that you really think you just have to take a shot at because you and they seem to have so much in common. But those randos you see in searches that look cute but don’t really jump out at you? Don’t bother. Save your emails for people who initiate interest in some way first. Winks, profile views, messages, favorites, etc are all ways of demonstrating possible interest. Those are the focus you cold call message.

Consider The Tinder Effect – Tinder is quickly blowing the doors off of traditional dating sites. EHarmony seriously needs to pack it up and go home at this point, in my opinion. As should any site that requires that you complete a series of steps before you can trade contact info. Things move way too fast for that now. Thanks to Tinder, we’re being conditioned to accept the most basic of criteria before we decide if we’re interested in someone. Don’t be surprised if profiles become more and more bare bones. That’s where we are headed.

Download Dating Apps – You should always utilize all the options and avenues afforded to you in order to meet new people. That includes Tinder. You should be using at least one or two traditional dating sites – one paid and one free (I suggest Match and OkCupid)- but you also need to use the apps, since people are leaving their laptops behind for their smart phones and tablets. While I don’t think Tinder is worthwhile for people over 60, I do think it’s a viable options for people well over 40.

Update Your Profile Regularly - The problem with OK Cupid (or any other dating site) is that, in order to stay at the top of the searches, you need to update your profile CONSTANTLY. As in literally a few times a day. If you don’t do that your profile gets pushed down in the search ranking very quickly. It’s incredibly annoying and kind of a hassle. If you ever pay attention to the activity section on your OKC home page, you’ll always see pretty much the same people in that box. That’s because those people are constantly updating their profile or answering a new question. That’s a big reason why people answer so many questions – because that shows up in that activity box on the home page and gets people more views. If you use OKC, delete one of your photos and immediately re-add it. That will get you a spike in traffic as your profile will then be included under the Activity Column on the OKC homepage.

Make Your Preferred Age Range Reasonable – We’re all a pack of Judgey McJudgersons. Guys, if we see that you’re mid-thirties or above and you included anything under 25 in your preferred age range you’ll be deemed a creep. Same goes for the women in their mid-thirties and older looking to meet men in their twenties. You’re going to be branded something negative. If you want to pull someone considerably younger, then email them. But adjust your public age setting to make you look less…delusional.

Search in Age Range Increments of 3 Years - Instead of doing a search for people ages 30-40, do 3 or 4 separate searches with windows of about 3 years each. You’ll get to see more profiles because you won’t get burnt out from seeing all the same ones over and over. Use all the different sort criteria – distance, match percentage, age, who is new, who is online, etc – when doing searches.

Lie About Your Age - I know. Omigod! A lie! At this point, lying about your age is common place. Just add a disclaimer in the beginning of your profile that states your real age. The goal isn’t to deceive. It’s to be included in more searches. Just don’t go crazy, all you “I’m 40 but look 30″ folks. You’ll give people The Sads.

Avoid Certain Body Type Descriptors – I’m lookin’ at you all you “curvy” ladies and ‘jacked” guys. The common search criteria for body types are – Thin, Slender, Petite, Fit, Athletic, Average. If you’re overweight, then select “average’ and be sure to post a full body shot. Remember , the goal is to get in front of as many eyeballs as possible and not deceive anybody or waste their time. Let your pictures speak for themselves.

Don’t Skip Any of The Basic Details - You know how, for some of the answers, you’ll see a ” – ” instead of an actual selection? Yeah. Number one? You’re not fooling anybody. I did a profile review for a guy who was 5’6″. He chose to skip that question. I told him that that was an obvious sign that he was below “typical” height for a guy. I also pointed out that it kept him out of searches since most if not all women will select a specific height range. Fill those spaces in. If you don’t want to list an income state “Prefer not to say.” (Don’t assume that means unemployed. It usually means someone is being discrete.) If you’re a smoker, that “-” screams “I smoke like a fiend!!” OkCupid recently added Relationship Type to their basic details section. You can choose Strictly Non-Monogamous/Monogamous or Mostly Non-Monogamous/Monogamous. Pick one.

Use Sex As a Lure - This one is more for women. Checking off the casual sex box on OKCupid will absolutely skyrocket your page views. Of course, you’ll have to employ more filters and develop a thick skin so you can stomach all the douchey messages from guys in Joey Buttafuoco pants and muscle shirts. This tip is dicey, I know. The reality is that men and women are both suspicious of folks who select casual sex. Guys will wonder why a woman has to select casual sex since it’s believed women can get laid fairly easily. Men who do it, if they’re not atypically good looking, will be perceived as desperate.

Accept That Everybody Lies & That That’s Okay - Learn It. Live It. Love It. It’s about getting the date. So, yeah, someone might add two inches or subtract five years. That doesn’t make them a sociopath. Stop watching so much TV.

The thing to realize is that by applying all these filters, your options will become smaller. So be it. If you define online dating success with how many dates you get or how many year long relationships you have, you’re setting yourself up for failure. Nowadays, the success is in not wanting to chew your arm off, quitting or giving up. Those Match.com ads telling you about all those marriages? It’s a selling point. It’s not reality. The majority of people who use these sites end up dating dozens and dozens of people for a long time until they meet someone that turns out to be long term. Nobody..and I mean nobody…should be on those sites looking for a relationship.

Those sites are for getting you dates. YOU’RE the one who gets you the relationship. And that takes time and effort and experience. The goal as far as I’m concerned is to avoid getting burnt out, duped or disheartened.

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Wednesday, March 19, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

What “You’re Too Picky” Really Means

Posted: 19 Mar 2014 02:35 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Lucy womaneer-flirting

Comment: Dear Moxie,

You have helped me a lot with dating questions in the past, mainly by showing how immature I have been. I appreciate that you tell it like it is and don’t just tell me what I want to hear. If you have time to answer this, I would appreciate it very much.

So here is some background to my question. I’m 24 and I recently lost 50lbs. I’ve also gained a lot of confidence. I dated some abusive men in the past and was very needy for a man and unable to have my own life. I’m not like that any more but I’m finding it difficult to find someone because I don’t need a man for my self-esteem anymore so I don’t have a reason to find a relationship. I am getting more positive reactions than I ever have done before. I want to settle down and find ‘the one’.

I’m not in love with myself. I’m not an arrogant person, but I find that I have become really picky. My friends have warned me that I have to be less picky regarding looks – they don’t think I’m shallow but they think I’m all about instant attraction. In all honesty, I do try to give a good guy a chance. Recently I met a lovely guy and I really want to feel a spark and to like him romantically and I just can’t no matter how much I try – and we have been on 6 dates so far (have kissed but it didn’t feel right to me). That’s just one scenario. The other scenario I regularly deal with is meeting men I do have the hots for, but they are always only after one thing from me. I have become better at filtering for these guys but they are still there. I’d like to meet someone I feel a spark for and like his personality too – not just someone with either one or the other.

My friends think my over focus on finding ‘the one’ and the fact I’m unemployed is making me too picky. I’m scared I’ll be alone forever. I’m scared that I’ll have to settle for someone I don’t feel a spark with and always be looking over my shoulder for someone I like better. I don’t want to do that to a guy and I feel people deserve better than that. I’d rather be alone than with someone I don’t have a passion for. But it’s hard for me to find what I want.

I have committed misdeeds in my past that make me feel like damaged goods. I once dated a man that I didn’t find attractive but I liked his personality. We almost got to the stage of getting engaged but he wasn’t treating me right. He didn’t spend any time with me for the last 2 months of our relationship and I ended up cheating on him because I got too sexually frustrated. I confessed immediately afterwards and that relationship ended. I haven’t had a serious relationship ever since. I feel stupid that I acted out, and did that, rather than acknowledge my own feelings and end it myself. I have learnt my lesson from that.

I don’t really know what I’m asking here but I just hope you can help me see where I’m going wrong. As I say. your answers in the past pointed out my immaturity but gave me a lot of insight too. I wonder what your thoughts are on this.

Love from Lucy
Age: 24
City: Edinburgh
State: Scotland

TL;DR version: Can I still date hott guyz?

My friends have warned me that I have to be less picky regarding looks -

The other scenario I regularly deal with is meeting men I do have the hots for, but they are always only after one thing from me

These two things are very telling. It’s not the fact that you’re underemployed that makes your friends think you’re being too picky. That’s probably what they’re saying it is, but it isn’t. Guys don’t really care about that unless you’re expecting them to spend serious bank on you.

I am of the belief that often times when someone tells a friend that they should be less picky regarding looks, what they’re actually saying is, “You aren’t attractive enough to get the type of person you want.” I’m going to guess that’s exactly what they’re trying to tell you, especially since the men you are attracted to just want to have sex with you. See, that means you’re shooting out of your league. You’re going for guys who will take you out once or twice, depending on their options at the time, who might not be all that attracted to you.

I don’t really know what I’m asking here

You’re asking for permission to continue doing what you’re doing. You want me to tell you that you shouldn’t give up on your pursuit of that spark so you can keep going after guys who are way out of your league. You might even want me to tell you that you’re friends are sabotaging you. Maybe they are, maybe they aren’t.

I’ve seen this kind of behavior before in people who recently lost a significant amount of weight. They want to make up for lost time, so they pursue people that, before, didn’t look twice at them. These people are expecting things to be different because they have slimmed down. What they don’t ever consider was that their weight wasn’t what was truly getting in their way. As I’ve told you before when you’ve submitted other letters, I think you’re a bit of a drama queen and like attention. Now that? That’s a problem if you’re looking for The One. Because The One isn’t going to tolerate that for long. Cheating on your Ex and then telling him reeks of drama. I think that, more than anything else, is why men get tired of you and ditch you.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Signs He’s A Really Sh*tty Person

Posted: 18 Mar 2014 06:03 AM PDT

Name: AD redflag
:
Comment: I’ve been texting with a guy for a week. Met him on Tinder, and I’ve been really bounded on his reactions and respond in our conversations (just to mention, not subjects witch included a lot of personal stuff) just really good chit chatting,.

We’ve talked abut meeting twice, just for a coffee, but never actually happened, so we decided to meet in town after going out with a couple of friends.

I didn’t actually think that we would end up meeting, so I decided to get really drunk – of course he ended up texting me, and he wasn’t, so I went with him home, and had my first one night stand.. It was actually pretty awkward because I was too drunk to be my self. Anyways, went home early next morning, even though he asked if I wanted a shower, he kissed me several of times, before I went..

5 minutes after I sended him a snapchat and he responded me..

The day after I found out that I took his earplugs with me back home by an accident, and I wrote him, that I had it, and he should just respond me, if he wanted it back…

Now I haven’t heard from him, thinking about just writing him that I’m sorry that it got to end here…

I gotta say, that when I finally met him, he told me that he was positive surprised, and I was more – like not saying anything…

How many days should I put him on ice, and what would the best move to be, I’f I feel like I disappointed him?
Age: 21
City: New York
State: New York

You should put him on ice in perpetuity. Here’s why.

Any guy who has sex with a woman when she is “really drunk” is not a good guy. Period. Full stop. Now, there’s a decent chance he had no idea how drunk you were since he wasn’t out with you and didn’t have a baseline for how you are when you’re sober versus drunk. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt because I wasn’t there. But if you were acting drunk and it was obvious you were drunk, and this guy had sex with you anyway, I feel very confident in saying he’s a pretty shitty person. But..if he truly didn’t know you were inebriated to the point that your behavior changed..he’s still a dick.

He showed no interest in getting to know you other than later one night when you had been out with friends. He didn’t want to meet for coffee. He didn’t want to meet you in any kind of scenario other than one that would lend itself to him getting laid.

NOT A NICE GUY.

I gotta say, that when I finally met him, he told me that he was positive surprised, and I was more – like not saying anything…

What he was actually saying was, “Wow, the whole reason I delayed meeting you was because I wasn’t sure I found you attractive enough to make the effort. But since we’re here…”

NOT A NICE GUY.

That’s a backhanded compliment.

Tinder quickly received the reputation of being a hook-up site. I have received a couple messages from guys with whom I matched who made it quite clear they just wanted sex. As in all they said was, “Let’s fuck.” My personal favorite was the guy who said, “Hi there. I was wondering if you’d be interested in sex. Totally casual.” Sex? I love sex. But not with some rando idiot who actually thinks that kind of approach is appropriate. These are guys who don’t care a whit if they offend you. You’re there, you have a pulse, so why not? This guy you went out with? He saw you as a potential hook-up and that’s about it. That’s it. I’m sorry to be so graphic and brutal about it, but this whole scenario has me so incredibly angry and uncomfortable.

Now, here’s where I’m going to say something that might ruffle some feathers. Do not EVER go off and meet a stranger from any dating website or that you have never met before in any way when you’re drunk. You do not know these people and you don’t know what they’re capable of. And do not EVER agree to meet someone from a site or an app “after you go out with your friends” unless all you’re looking for is a casual hook-up. And even then, you need to keep your wits about you. Which means don’t do it if you’re drunk. You need to be able to make informed decisions, especially in regards to casual sex. When you’re drunk, you’re less aware.

This guy was only going to make the effort for you when he was already out and about. That’s not really someone you want to devote any effort or time to. This kind of behavior might be commonplace in college and in those early post-college years. People go out, they drink, they meet casually with groups, they have random hook-ups. This is how the millenials date, and I get that.

Don’t contact this guy again. Let him go to Best Buy and spring for new ear buds. Block him on Tinder and do not ever reach out to him again. This guy couldn’t even have been bothered to reply to your message about having something of his. You didn’t do anything to cause the outcome of this. This was always going to be the outcome. This was all he wanted. The whole cuddling/shower/snapchat stuff are just a bunch of phony gestures to get more sex. They don’t mean what you think they mean.

Please don’t contact this guy again.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Why Do Unavailable People Act Like They’re Available?

Posted: 16 Mar 2014 02:27 PM PDT

Name: Emma womanno
Website:
Question: Sorry for a long post. So, about a year ago I noticed this attractive guy working in the same building I work ( different company). Since he was quiet and a little unsocial person with everyone I only gathered courage to break an ice a couple of month ago after plenty of eye contact, smiles and casual “hi”s during the past few months. Anyways he appeared to be an amazing guy by all means ( at least that’s what I thought) we were like close friends in just a few days( along with heavy flirting from both sides). We have been spending all possible time during business hours together but he never asked me out on a date. First I thought I was friend zoned, but based on what he have been talking to me and the way he looked I crossed out that explanation. During first conversations I indirectly asked about GF several times, he has not said straight up that he was single but he implied he didn’t have a GF. That seemed like a red flag but he was very judgmental about one guy who was hitting on me while hiding he had a GF and said that he would have never done anything like that. So I neglected GF version too. Anyways, after spending hell of a lot of time with him for six weeks, showing genuine interest, positively responding his advances, sharing a lot about ourselves to each other, casually meeting few of his friends and in general spending an awesome time with him ( he said multiple times that he enjoyed being with me a lot as well) as hard as it was I realized that I was getting used to him too much and considering he was not asking me out regardless of everything I decided to back off a little to wind out a little and also see what would have happened. Anyways after not seeing him for a few days we talked again and everything was awesome again but I don’t know why I just suddenly asked if he had a GF,( probably deep down I knew he had) and he said yes and that they were living together but not everything was going well. That day I managed to act cool and pretend I didn’t care, but I died inside and he probably noticed. Since then we talked few times but I avoid him as much as possible and whenever we talk I am as cold as I manage to be , and I manage well. Anyways My mind knows that that’s it I should move on because being a house wrecker is way beyond my boundaries , besides I don’t think a man who can be stolen from other is worth having around , also he lied indirectly by not disclosing the information I should have known, even though I have gave him plenty of opportunity to mention SO if he had one. But at the same time I just want and need to know why he did this, and if his entire personality I was attracted and impressed about was fake and total lie. I mean I am good at recognizing people , have never made a mistake during 25 years and this guy really seemed the most genuine thoughtful honest caring guy with high moral values and standards I have ever known. So I don’t get it why he did this . Meantime he seems to feel guilty (unless it’s an act too) most of the time respects my attempts of avoiding him, but occasionally still tries to talk and show interest. And it’s hard for me to keep not talking to him, I miss sharing my good and bad experiences with him and just talking to him as a friend, but I don’t think its a good idea to try staying friends with him. So my questions: why he have not mentioned gf and why my decision about staying as far away from him as possible is the only right choice right ?!

P.s. And yes deep inside I’m looking for any kind of reassurance about cutting him off and yes because of that I’m questioning my moral values for secretly hoping he breaks up with his GF and tries to work it out with me. Hopefully I’ll stick with my right decision and don’t let him get close to me again.
Thanks for your input!
Age: 25
State:

You’re asking why he did “this.” What did he do? He befriended you. Sure, maybe he flirted with you but…is that really such a crime?

I was having this discussion with a friend the other night. I have said before that flirting when you’re already in a relationship or even married is pretty common and usually means nothing. Now, overt attempts to get with you while with someone else? That’s a horse of a different color. But flirting? It happens. It really isn’t the end all, be all that people make it out to be. And frankly, I think the people who get up in arms about married people flirting really just reveal how under-socialized they are. This is a thing, folks. It doesn’t necessarily mean the person doing the flirting who is unavailable is actually trying to get into your pants.

He didn’t mention his GF because you didn’t ask him directly. Yes, he lied indirectly. Should he have brought her up? Yes, especially since he probably knew you were crushing on him. That’s the humane thing to do. Like you, he probably enjoyed the flirting. People going through rough patches in their relationships often look outside of the relationship for a little bit of reassurance or attention to help get them through. Again, this is a thing. The morally indignant parade can line up to the left if they think I’m justifying bad behavior. I’m not saying that it’s not problematic, but I’m also not saying it’s wrong and that people who do it are horrible, horrible people who deserve to be burned at the stake. Once you realize and accept that this kind of behavior exists and is common, then you can recalibrate your expectations and boundaries and you won’t get caught up in it as often. PS? Men and women are both guilty of this behavior.

That seemed like a red flag but he was very judgmental about one guy who was hitting on me while hiding he had a GF and said that he would have never done anything like that.

Then maybe all that time he wasn’t hitting on you? Maybe he was just being friendly and you saw and heard what you wanted? The part about him being genuine and honest and how now he acts guilty sounds like you’re projecting what you’re feeling on to him. Something I’ve noticed is that many people aren’t able to correctly identify genuine attention and interest. Which is why, I believe, so many people get confused or even hurt and offended when someone unavailable flirts with them. Some people just do that to get a reaction. Other people do it because they like to be thought of as charming or sexy. And some folks to it because they want to cheat and have every intention of cheating. That last category? Yes, they suck. The other two? Eh, harmless. That is, as long as you don’t take it super seriously. Someone genuinely interested will try to get to know more about you. If they aren’t actively trying to find out if you’re taken or single, then chalk that up to harmless flirting with no intent to follow through.

You said yourself that you sensed he had a girlfriend. If that was the case, then you could have easily asked him about it. But you didn’t. Why? Because you didn’t want to know. That makes you complicit, too. So own that. Every time I hear a story from someone saying that they were hanging out with or even dating someone for a period of time, like a few weeks or months, and didn’t know they were in a relationship or married my eyebrows raise to the sky. ORLY? Not buying it. On some level, we know.

The reason you should stay away from him is that the more time you spend with him, the more invested you will become in the attention. When he doesn’t end up leaving his girlfriend, which might happen, you’ll be devastated. You don’t want to become that woman he turns to with all his problems. Let him get a therapist for that. Or he could do something revolutionary and talk to his girlfriend.

If you’re feeling bold, then ask him to keep his distance for a little while because you developed a crush and don’t feel comfortable hanging out with him knowing he has a girlfriend. See what he does then.