And That's Why You're Single

The Only Digital Dating Advice You Need Is Right Here

Posted: 20 Mar 2014 01:56 PM PDT

NOTE: This is an older post that I’ve updated with new info.

So you’re using the interwebs to ~~troll~~ look for dates. Or “dates.” Here’s what you need to do to beat the fatigue and get offline.

Stop Emailing So Many People – The one sure fire way to get fed up is to send out a bunch of emails, one after the other in rapid succession. Emailing people who haven’t initiated some kind of interest or effort is fairly pointless. “But, Moxie. That’s how I met my current boyfriend/girlfriend!” you’ll say. Awesome. How many emails and bad dates and faders did you have to go through before you met them? Yeah. Thought so. Save these messages for people that you really think you just have to take a shot at because you and they seem to have so much in common. But those randos you see in searches that look cute but don’t really jump out at you? Don’t bother. Save your emails for people who initiate interest in some way first. Winks, profile views, messages, favorites, etc are all ways of demonstrating possible interest. Those are the focus you cold call message.

Consider The Tinder Effect – Tinder is quickly blowing the doors off of traditional dating sites. EHarmony seriously needs to pack it up and go home at this point, in my opinion. As should any site that requires that you complete a series of steps before you can trade contact info. Things move way too fast for that now. Thanks to Tinder, we’re being conditioned to accept the most basic of criteria before we decide if we’re interested in someone. Don’t be surprised if profiles become more and more bare bones. That’s where we are headed.

Download Dating Apps – You should always utilize all the options and avenues afforded to you in order to meet new people. That includes Tinder. You should be using at least one or two traditional dating sites – one paid and one free (I suggest Match and OkCupid)- but you also need to use the apps, since people are leaving their laptops behind for their smart phones and tablets. While I don’t think Tinder is worthwhile for people over 60, I do think it’s a viable options for people well over 40.

Update Your Profile Regularly - The problem with OK Cupid (or any other dating site) is that, in order to stay at the top of the searches, you need to update your profile CONSTANTLY. As in literally a few times a day. If you don’t do that your profile gets pushed down in the search ranking very quickly. It’s incredibly annoying and kind of a hassle. If you ever pay attention to the activity section on your OKC home page, you’ll always see pretty much the same people in that box. That’s because those people are constantly updating their profile or answering a new question. That’s a big reason why people answer so many questions – because that shows up in that activity box on the home page and gets people more views. If you use OKC, delete one of your photos and immediately re-add it. That will get you a spike in traffic as your profile will then be included under the Activity Column on the OKC homepage.

Make Your Preferred Age Range Reasonable – We’re all a pack of Judgey McJudgersons. Guys, if we see that you’re mid-thirties or above and you included anything under 25 in your preferred age range you’ll be deemed a creep. Same goes for the women in their mid-thirties and older looking to meet men in their twenties. You’re going to be branded something negative. If you want to pull someone considerably younger, then email them. But adjust your public age setting to make you look less…delusional.

Search in Age Range Increments of 3 Years - Instead of doing a search for people ages 30-40, do 3 or 4 separate searches with windows of about 3 years each. You’ll get to see more profiles because you won’t get burnt out from seeing all the same ones over and over. Use all the different sort criteria – distance, match percentage, age, who is new, who is online, etc – when doing searches.

Lie About Your Age - I know. Omigod! A lie! At this point, lying about your age is common place. Just add a disclaimer in the beginning of your profile that states your real age. The goal isn’t to deceive. It’s to be included in more searches. Just don’t go crazy, all you “I’m 40 but look 30″ folks. You’ll give people The Sads.

Avoid Certain Body Type Descriptors – I’m lookin’ at you all you “curvy” ladies and ‘jacked” guys. The common search criteria for body types are – Thin, Slender, Petite, Fit, Athletic, Average. If you’re overweight, then select “average’ and be sure to post a full body shot. Remember , the goal is to get in front of as many eyeballs as possible and not deceive anybody or waste their time. Let your pictures speak for themselves.

Don’t Skip Any of The Basic Details - You know how, for some of the answers, you’ll see a ” – ” instead of an actual selection? Yeah. Number one? You’re not fooling anybody. I did a profile review for a guy who was 5’6″. He chose to skip that question. I told him that that was an obvious sign that he was below “typical” height for a guy. I also pointed out that it kept him out of searches since most if not all women will select a specific height range. Fill those spaces in. If you don’t want to list an income state “Prefer not to say.” (Don’t assume that means unemployed. It usually means someone is being discrete.) If you’re a smoker, that “-” screams “I smoke like a fiend!!” OkCupid recently added Relationship Type to their basic details section. You can choose Strictly Non-Monogamous/Monogamous or Mostly Non-Monogamous/Monogamous. Pick one.

Use Sex As a Lure - This one is more for women. Checking off the casual sex box on OKCupid will absolutely skyrocket your page views. Of course, you’ll have to employ more filters and develop a thick skin so you can stomach all the douchey messages from guys in Joey Buttafuoco pants and muscle shirts. This tip is dicey, I know. The reality is that men and women are both suspicious of folks who select casual sex. Guys will wonder why a woman has to select casual sex since it’s believed women can get laid fairly easily. Men who do it, if they’re not atypically good looking, will be perceived as desperate.

Accept That Everybody Lies & That That’s Okay - Learn It. Live It. Love It. It’s about getting the date. So, yeah, someone might add two inches or subtract five years. That doesn’t make them a sociopath. Stop watching so much TV.

The thing to realize is that by applying all these filters, your options will become smaller. So be it. If you define online dating success with how many dates you get or how many year long relationships you have, you’re setting yourself up for failure. Nowadays, the success is in not wanting to chew your arm off, quitting or giving up. Those Match.com ads telling you about all those marriages? It’s a selling point. It’s not reality. The majority of people who use these sites end up dating dozens and dozens of people for a long time until they meet someone that turns out to be long term. Nobody..and I mean nobody…should be on those sites looking for a relationship.

Those sites are for getting you dates. YOU’RE the one who gets you the relationship. And that takes time and effort and experience. The goal as far as I’m concerned is to avoid getting burnt out, duped or disheartened.

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Thursday, March 20, 2014