Attract Girls Now

Thursday, February 13, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Sometimes People Just Say Things To Be Polite Or Lose Interest

Posted: 13 Feb 2014 06:41 AM PST

Name: Lina
:
Comment: Hi, I know this guy from my previous job. He was working with my company and I had to work with him almost on daily basis. 4-5 months a go he started talking about his and my personal life during our work calls and he also invited me to his house party once. During the party while he was drunk he mentioned in different ways that he likes me. After that we were still talking but nothing serious happened. He also invited me for drink once but he didn’t confirm on time and I told him that I made other plans. I always thought he has this fear of my boss to not loose his business, and that’s the reason he doesn’t make a move. I recently left the company and I ran into him 2 weeks a go in street. We talked and he messaged me two days after and told me that he wants to take me out for dinner/ drinks in next one or two weeks. The day after he called me and told me about a job opportunity. I haven’t heard back from him in a week and I decided to message him. I did text him and he replied to my text very briefly not in a way that I was expecting. Its been 2 weeks since he told me about the dinner but haven’t heard a word from him. I always thought he wants to maintain the relationship with me due to work but now that I am no longer with that company, whats the point of inviting to dinner and not following up?
Age: 32
City: Los Angeles
State: CA

I’m starting to notice a trend in a lot of the letters I receive. The story goes something like this:

OP meets someone
That person expresses initial interest by flirting, asking the OP out or taking them on a date or two
That person stops showing the same level of interest they showed at the beginning
That person fades

While each situation varies, the reason for the scenario played out as it did is almost always as simple as the person just lost interest or weren’t that interested to begin with. It’s a simple concept that many people don’t ever seem to consider or understand. They need something bigger and more involved to explain why someone may no longer wish to take them on a date. It’s a coping mechanism of sorts, I think. We don’t want to believe that somebody could move along, not be sincere, or forget about us that quickly.

The problem isn’t that some people change their mind or are disingenuous. The problem is that some folks get inordinately invested in the attention being shown. Buying gifts for people you barely know is a sign of being too invested. Flipping out after two dates because someone doesn’t want a third date is a sign of being too invested. Behavior like this says far more about the person losing their mind than it does about the person who ghosts on them.

It’s important to be able to stay somewhat detached in the early stages of dating someone new. Just because this date or attention is important to you doesn’t mean that it’s as important to the other person. And that other person isn’t responsible for the expectations and importance that we place on the interaction. Getting upset because some drunk person flirted with you and never called really exposes your own insecurity issues and lack of life experience.

Yesterday I did a profile review for someone in Boston. When we were closing the session he said that if I were ever in Boston, I should get in touch so he could take me for a drink. Was that a direct invitation? No. It’s just something that people say. It’s a pleasantry akin to, “It was great to talk to you. Let’s catch up soon!” Do they really want to catch up? Maybe in that moment they do. But more than likely, 2 days later, they don’t even remember saying it. It’s a way to cap off a friendly chat.

Sometimes people just say thing to be polite or to fill a void in conversation or to gracefully remove themselves from a situation. You can’t take everything that someone says at face value. This is something we learn along the way in life. This isn’t a dating skill. It’s a life skill.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

You’re The One Making Dating Complicated

Posted: 12 Feb 2014 05:41 AM PST

Name: Mary

Comment: Alex and I knew each other since high school, about 15 years. He dated a couple of women that I’m friends with when they were really young. Nothing serious tho. After my 10 year relationship with a former spouse ended, Alex and I started talking. I never wanted to pursue anything with him because he dated my girlfriends and I didn’t want to be known as that friend that dates others exes. Anyway, somehow we managed to talk often and ended up sleeping together. From then, we talked everyday, a couple times a day. We saw each other every week, hung out, went to the movies, had dinner, sex, etc.

During this time, he would always tell me that he really likes me and enjoys my company. We talk to each other like we r dating with babe, miss yous, etc. However, it was a secret and no one knew about us.

After about 2 months, I said it was getting complicated and asked him what he wanted from this. He said that he was going to leave the country for an extended period, and asked what I thought he wanted. So I assumed that meant he doesn’t want anything. I already knew he was leaving for an extended period. Anyway he kept messaging wanting to talk and saying he misses me and wants to see me. I snapped and said I wasn’t an item that he can just see and have sex with whenever he wants. I don’t get it. U either want to date me or not. From all the signs I really thought he’s into me. But now since our last convo, it seems like it may be just sex? Was I reading the cues wrong? I told him that I can’t do this cuz eventually I’ll have feelings and get attached. He hasn’t called since. What does that mean? I always thought that if a guy truly wants u he will do anything to get her. Is that true?
Age: 28
City: New York City
State: New York

I never wanted to pursue anything with him because he dated my girlfriends and I didn’t want to be known as that friend that dates others exes. Anyway, somehow we managed to talk often and ended up sleeping together.

Yes. Somehow you managed to end up sleeping with this guy even though you insist that you’re not the type of woman to sleep with exes of her friends. Not that I think you did anything wrong. If the relationships were that far in the past, then I don’t see the problem with you dating this guy. It kind of sounds like he’s made the rounds of your social circle and that nobody else worried about stepping on toes. So why should you? My point in bringing this up is to highlight how we often like to tell ourselves one thing, but actually believe something else. If you didn’t feel comfortable sleeping with a man who dated your friends, you wouldn’t do it. Period. If that were a true standard that you held, you wouldn’t have strayed from it. Now your perspective is put into question.

He said that he was going to leave the country for an extended period, and asked what I thought he wanted.

Make note of how he responded to your inquiry. He didn’t offer a direct response. He deflected and turned it around on you. Pay attention to behavior like that. He’s trying to get you to say that things would need to be put on ice while he left the country. He wants you to bring it up so he doesn’t have to. It sounds like he just assumed you would take the hint and know that, since he was leaving, things would eventually end. He didn’t so anything to make sure you and he were on the same page because that would hinder his ability to get what he wanted.

However, it was a secret and no one knew about us.

I just..okay. Whatever. More drama.

I always thought that if a guy truly wants u he will do anything to get her. Is that true?

l do believe that that is true. I just don’t think this guy is as taken or invested as you think. You’re romanticizing this situation. Will a guy move mountains to be with a woman he loves? I think so. But that kind of love is not something that develops this quickly. Maybe in movies guys have that light bulb moment when they realize they need to run across town so they can get to that party and kiss the girl they realized they can’t live without at midnight. But in real life? That just doesn’t happen. And when it does happen this swiftly, I happen to think it’s suspect.

He knew he was leaving. That right there should tell you what he was looking for and, frankly, what you’re dealing with.

To be honest, it sounds like you know where you stand. You know this guy is leaving for an extended period of time. You know you’re getting attached. The solution to this seems obvious. Either detach and appropriate your expectations or walk away. Instead you want to re-enact some plot line from a rom com.

I’m 99% sure this will not end with him getting off the plane and running through an airport to get back home to you.

Monday, February 10, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

“I Only Date White/Slender/Tall People” And Other Problematic Dating Profile Language

Posted: 10 Feb 2014 02:03 PM PST

Name: H.I.H people_group_diverse
Comment: Hello Moxie,

I have a question about online profiles, specifically how do you outline the kind of person you would like to hear from without coming across as overly picky, entitled or insensitive? I recently reactivated my OKCupid account and I keep reading profiles from men (the types I would like to contact) that outline pretty specific requirements about fitness, ethnicity, education ect. While there is nothing wrong with having a preference, I admit to being a bit put off when I read “Looking for skinny, Catholic, white…” at the very top of a profile. As a result I go out of my way NOT to include specific preferences in my profile so I don’t come across as rigid. However, I think that not having some specs might decrease the chances of hearing from the guys I want. I just want to know what is your opinion regarding stating preferences in a profile. Is there a tactful way to do this? If so, will it make a difference in who writes me?

PS: What I find funny is a lot of guys who writing about only wanting to hear from a specific ‘type’ will still contact me despite my not living up to some of their preferences. I will write them back if they are cute and the rest of the profile seems okay.
Age: 24
City: Houston
State: TX

First of all, anybody who states outright in their profile that they “only” date someone of a specific ethnicity or race should be avoided. You should be put off by that. It’s rude and dismissive. I’m ashamed to admit this, but I used to do this when I would post ads on Craigslist. “White guys only.” The ads would repeatedly get flagged and I was all, “Huh?” Of course, being white, I didn’t understand why reading something like that might make a person of color feel marginalized. Why would I understand that? I’m white. White Catholic people don’t exactly have much experience with feeling oppressed.

The other day I received an email from a woman inquiring about the racial diversity of our speeddating events. She mentioned the photo that accompanied the event page and asked if guests were open to dating people of various races. When choosing the photo, I gave little thought to what picture to use. I just chose the photo that, to me, seemed appropriate. The photo only contained white people. I didn’t give any thought to the message that that photo (or the photos I’ve used here) sent. But again, why would I because I’m a white girl. As progressive as I know I am, it was clear that I still had some blindspots and needed to widen my narrow world view.

If someone says in their profile they only wish to hear from someone of a specific race, the underlying message to that statement is that hearing from anybody who does not fit into that category is considered an offense. Doesn’t matter if if you’re referencing height, income, body type, etc. The message being conveyed is one of intolerance. So, if you are someone who makes such explicit declaration in your profile, you might wish to do a little introspection and ask yourself why you do that. You might learn something about yourself, something that ultimately is keeping you single. Insisting on only dating a specific type of someone absolutely hints at possibly problematic opinions and ideas that you have about people who don’t fit into one of your neat little boxes.

Now, does that mean that your preferences are problematic? Not necessarily. It’s how you express those preferences and a refusal to explore other avenues that really speaks to your intentions and beliefs. I would avoid stating in your profile text that you only prefer to hear from certain types of people. Like you, I avoid anybody who does that. Like, boo hoo, a woman who isn’t a size 4 or a guy who isn’t 6 feet tall or a person who doesn’t have the same skin color as you might message you. Oh noes! Oh, you showed up on your date and they were heavier than their photos? How harrowing!

I think any user of a dating site needs to accept that they’re going to hear from a slew of people that they would never in a million years date. Disclaimers and stating explicit preferences really doesn’t enhance your profile, nor do they actually serve to prevent those people from contacting you. In fact, I have no doubt some people intentionally ignore those disclaimers because either they like a challenge or because they want to piss that person off. I also believe that it’s up to each individual user of these sites to know their audience and know what they can reasonably pull. I would bet the majority of frustration that stems from online dating comes from people refusing to accept their various stations. And, yes, we all have one.

There really is no tactful way to try and ensure that your responses are more targeted to your interests. I think the only thing you can do is talk about you and what’s important to you. If you prefer someone with a certain education level, then mention your education level. If you’re more attracted to athletic or active people, describe or discuss how active you are. Populate all of the details fields with your various descriptors. Post photos that give people a clear idea of your personality and lifestyle. Someone reasonably self-aware will be able to read between the lines. And, yes, some people lacking self-awareness will contact you. Just employ any of the message filtering options that certain sites offer. If they don’t offer that service, then get really, really comfortable with the delete and block buttons.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

How Picky Can You Get Away With Being If You’re Over 35 and Single?

Posted: 09 Feb 2014 02:50 PM PST

Name: Jennifer
Comment: Hello,
After 26 years of being married, I have completed the divorce process and have been attempting online dating.
I am having problems with attracting a quality guy. I get quite a number of 20 and 30 year old who seem to want to hook up. I also get men who are not on the same wavelength with me. I get tons of men who seem to hate women or have mommy issues. I get men who are not attractive to me. I get men in the extremes of my age ranges 20′s and 30s or 60s and 70s. Is it possible to find an intelligent, successful, attractive, funny, out going man who has a good character?

I am not sure how else to meet men as when I am in public, I have never been approached by a man, say at the market.

I think I am beautiful, kind, successful, compassionate, loving and affection as well as funny. Maybe it is that I am too intelligent.
P.S. I think men see my breast and make a judgement about me.
Age: 51
City: Phoenix
State: AZ

I was watching the #SinglesinAmerica streamcast yesterday and the topic of men in their forties and older came up. A woman in the audience was talking about how all the men she was meeting in the forty and above category all seemed “damaged.” That’s a nice catch-all phrase that usually means, “doesn’t want to commit to me.”

The fact is that men in their late thirties to mid-fifties are in high demand. There’s a ton of us and a smaller segment of them. So, naturally, those guys are going to be more difficult to get. They have options. A lot of ‘em. And if they have enough, well then it’s unlikely they’ll be settling down any time soon. Why would they? Especially if they already have their kids from a previous marriage. This means that in order to get their attention, women our age have to be more proactive and a little less rigid. Scoff if you like, but if it’s a serious relationship you want, settling is a must. That doesn’t mean that you have to accept whatever comes your way or that you can’t be discerning. It just means you can’t be as discerning.

But before you try to pursue these men, you have to ask yourself one very important question:

What do I bring to the table that matters?

Bottom line? Guys don’t give a crap about your educational back ground. Trust me, your intelligence doesn’t scare them off. Nor do your heaving breasts. We all think we’re beautiful. Heck, I think I’m sexy as hell…but I’m not a guy. That means that I don’t get to decide what men should or should not find attractive. If you’re not getting approached offline, then you may not be as beautiful and wonderful as you think.Either there’s something about your demeanor that makes men think you’re closed off or not approachable or your looks don’t measure up the way you think they do.

Here’s the brutal reality. You and me and most other women in their late thirties and up? To men in their late thirties and older with their stuff together, with charm and personality and a measure of success, we’re C-list. B-list at best. All those stories you hear from female friends and peers complaining about that guy who faded or how hard online dating is? They’re going after the men with all the options. If they’re chasing around those guys, then it’s safe to assume other women are, too. That’s what si creating the mass clusterfuck that we keep hearing about.

If you’re dating online, then your profile has to be red flag free and your photos need to be amazing. You’re going to have to make a concerted effort to search profiles and view the profiles of men you like. Rate them, wink at them, whatever. Just don’t message them until they return or somehow initiate interest. (View your profile, wink, message you, etc.) If you exchange messages then get them off the site as soon as possible. The last thing you want to do is give them a reason to hang around a dating site, as they’ll inevitably be contacted by someone else and their interest will wane. If you want those in demand guys, then you’re going to have to work for them. There can’t be any sitting back and waiting for them to contact you, because that will never happen. They’re being messaged by dozens and dozens of other women. You have to make a concerted effort to drop your bait in their pond.

If you’re not willing to make this kind of effort, then you’re going to have to pare down your must have list to include only the must must haves. Those are your two choices. He might be good looking but not terribly successful or might possess a super intellect but not be as attractive as you like. Concessions will have to be made. That includes maybe moving to someplace where the odds are more in your favor.

It doesn’t just magically happen for us. It’s certainly not impossible to find love, but it takes work to find something consistent and mutually beneficial at our age. It also requires that we be honest with ourselves about what we have to offer and what we can reasonably pull without breaking our back.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Even If He Thinks You’re Nuts, He’ll Still F*ck You

Posted: 06 Feb 2014 02:55 PM PST

Name: Dori

Comment: Dear Moxie,

I am very confused by the further development of the ‘Why would a guy turn down casual sex?’ story.

To summarize: I met a guy, he seemed into me, I responded in kind, on the second date I unleashed the crazy, he backed off and friend zoned me, I unleashed more crazy culminating in throwing myself at him, which he shot down and stopped communicating with me.

But he did not unfriend me on a rather obscure social networking website which he introduced me to earlier. I was posting on it every day, and he would sometimes ‘like’ or comment on my posts (nothing flirty, just friendly but distant). I never ‘liked’ or commented on his posts.

Few days later I unleashed more crazy (on that site). He asked for clarification, I unleashed even more crazy and he ceased ‘liking’ and commenting, but still did not unfriend me. I was surprised that he did not unfriend me, but thought that perhaps he wanted to monitor my mental state.

So I pulled myself together, and continued posting whimsical, relatively sane, and increasingly cheerful posts. Then I missed one day, because I was busy dumping (or rather DTMFA-ing) my (now ex) lover of six months. Then I posted two more times, and then missed few more days because I was ill.

Then out of the blue (three weeks after I threw myself at him, and two weeks after he stopped all communication) he commented on my next post, and on every post since.
In the comments he mentioned that he’ve come to look forward to my posts.

In one of these posts I mentioned my slowly returning sanity. He asked for clarification. I decided to ‘come clean’ (bad idea, I guess). I apologized for unleashing the crazy on him and sucking him into the drama he had little to do with. He asked for further clarification. I explained that for the last six months I was seeing someone, whom I dumped last week while I should have done it months ago. That while I genuinely liked him, the crazy intensity was most likely the result of the emotional turmoil due to that someone. And that I wish I met him when I was more sane. He asked whether I am more sane now. I said that I am getting there.

Since then we are constantly in touch. He is being friendly and a little flirty, I am being distant and cautious. My propositioning him never comes up in conversation. In the mean time I continue dating other people.

Questions:
1. How to explain his getting back in touch? Perhaps his other prospects fell through?
2. Do I still have a chance with him?
3. What should I do/not do in order not to screw it up again?

Thank you
Age: 43
City: Suburbia
State: North East

I was going to ask what DTMFA meant. Then I remembered that I didn’t care.

He thinks you’re crazy. That will never change. You’ve proven him right several times now with your little public melt downs on social networking sites. He follows you because he’s amused by your drama. And if you’re writing cryptic updates that sound like they could be about him, well, even better. Then he can get a visceral charge from thinking he made you bonkers.

You’re looking for possible signs that he’s still interested in you. I totally get that. I have done that myself. This guy very well might be interested, but he’s interested in you for the wrong reasons. No respectable, sane, mature, rational person is going to seriously consider dating someone who goes on any kind of public forum and spews their crazy. Not happening. In the rare instances where it does happen, it’s because both people are out of the minds or somehow benefit from the other person’s instability.

People like this guy will always resurface. Always. It’s what they do. It doesn’t surprise me to hear that he didn’t unfriend or unfollow you on whatever social media site you belong to. First of all, unfriending/unfollowing/blocking is nothing more than a petty and stupid way to tell someone that they hurt your feelings. It’s childish. And pointless. I doubt most people can even be bothered doing such a thing unless they truly felt threatened. Opportunistic people like this LOVE social media. Know why? Because it allows them to stay connected to people without actually being connected to them. It’s a way to keep tabs on people without making much effort. That way they can orchestrate run-ins and conversations without looking weird. They can keep up with your moods and day to day goings ons and strike when they feel the moment is right. This is one of the numerous reasons why I’ve ceased discussing my personal life publicly. It makes you vulnerable to people with bad intentions.

Here’s an example. Last week I got an email from a guy I dated many, many years ago. He’s the one who showed up at my door at 3am a few months back. Turns out he was going to be at the very same bar on the very same night where an event we were promoting was being held. He emailed me to give me a heads up, lest I think that he had somehow planned for that to happen. He didn’t want me to feel “ambushed.” I replied and told him that it wasn’t a problem and that I wouldn’t be there as it wasn’t my event. But then a thought occurred to me.

How did he know I was involved with that event? So I asked him. He said that the guy he was going to meet ran a meet-up group and posted the event and so he decided to plop the event title into the search bar to see what other groups were participating. Do I believe him? Nope. Just like I don’t believe the guy who said it was a coincidence that he randomly showed up at a bar one night where my company was hosting an event. Just like I didn’t believe the same guy who said he pre-emptively blocked me on Facebook because he read an article I wrote about social media and felt, due to my opinions on the platform, it would be best for all involved if I didn’t see his page. These guys wanted to create drama.

This guy you keep chatting with? Yeah, he thinks you’re crazy. But he’ll still have sex with you. He doesn’t think you’re dangerous, but he definitely thinks you’re unhinged and desperate enough that he can get one over on you.

You don’t want this guy. He’s pretending to care. I see guys do this all the time. They see a vulnerability and they prey on it.

Get it together and stop discussing your personal dramas publicly.

Should He Tell Her She’s Not Tight Enough For Him?

Posted: 06 Feb 2014 05:41 AM PST

Name: Otter

Comment: I have been dating a girl for the last month and it’s gotten physical a few times now, but it’s somewhat unsatisfying. I’m a decent sized fellow, if you get my drift, but she still seems rather…loose. She isn’t having any problems with how the pieces fit, but I am. Is there a polite way to tell a girl you’ve recently started sleeping with that she needs to do kegels? I’d like to keep seeing her but sex is an important part of the relationship. It needs to be good for me to stay and right now it’s definitely below average. Or should I just move on?
Age: 37
City: Brooklyn
State: NY

This question reminds me of the comments we got on a post about oral sex. Some guys were insisting that that they looooved going down on women…as long as she had recently showered and shaved and was all “clean.” Those guys truly believe that they are all down with going down, but they’re not. Saying that a woman has to be recently showered and “fresh” in order to orally pleasure her reveals way more about a guy than he realizes. To a guy like that, the vagina is dirty and smelly and gross or they feel inadequate in some way and are just looking for an excuse not to perform oral sex because they fear they won’t be able to satisfy their partner.

If we only ever went down on someone if they were neatly groomed and “clean” we’d almost never go down on someone. Reasonable and experienced people know this. Mature folks are well aware of everything that occurs in that region and understands all the possibilities of what could pop up in terms of what we smell and taste. But guess what? We do it any way because either we love it or we know our partner loves it or both. Yep, might have to deal with a stray hair between your teeth or chaffing or could catch a whiff of something a little musky. It happens sometimes. But we work through it. If you’re into it and you care about your partner, an initial slight stench or change in taste doesn’t deter you. It’s the human body, not a field of roses.

Same goes for the idea that a woman isn’t “tight” enough. Orly? Are you packing a rolling pin? The problem isn’t her perceived “looseness.” Well, that’s not true. The problem is her perceived looseness. But it’s the figurative “looseness.” Get my drift, wink wink nudge nudge? Otter fears his partner has “been around” since her vagina doesn’t possess some sort of Kung Fu Grip. Because that’s a totally reasonable expectation to have of an adult woman who has had a healthy, normal, active sex life, right? I mean, it’s our job to keep our pelvic floor nice and tight so we can please our man, amirite ladeez? We have to make sure we can accommodate all of their girth..because that’s a given, right? That every man we ever sleep with will be well endowed and we’re never, ever, ever disappointed?

Oh, wait, it’s not? You mean, sex isn’t like what we’ve seen in porn? Well, that’s disappointing.

Look. The problem isn’t your partner’s vaginal muscles. The problem is your insecurity and fear that she’s had more experience than you and that you might not be able to satisfy her. That’s it. Just by submitting this question you’re revealing your own inexperience. Date someone for any extended period of time and have a regular sex life and guess what? It won’t feel the same as it did in the beginning. Science, bitch. You’d know that if you dated anybody for longer than a month or two. But since you actually think this “problem” is a problem and want to suggest to your lady friend that she do kegel exercises, I’m going to guess that your relationships don’t last very long.

Oh, hey, want kids? Yeah? Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but there’s a real chance that the mother of your children might experience some changes “down there.” Oh, you thought her vagina would stay exactly the same or think that it’s okay if that’s what causes her vagina to be less tight? You. Are. PRECIOUS.

How about you just be grateful for the fact that you managed to find someone willing to sleep with you and quit yer’ bitching?

Take it away, Lafayette.

cmt-medium

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

How To Know When a Relationship Is Toxic

Posted: 04 Feb 2014 02:54 PM PST

Name: Kelly
Website:
Question: Hi, this is a follow-up to my previous question you posted about “How much crazy”. Something in your post today about lying being essential to dating makes me want to ask a follow-up question.

Moxie, I’ve heard you say before, sometimes a non-answer is your answer. As a follow-up to my earlier situation – we had “snowmageddon” here in the South last week. The day of, my guy called the office, but not to talk to me, just called the main number to ask for one of the guys. When I answered he was very odd, talking to me like I WAS one of the guys, just hey, what’s up, so anyway, is so and so there?

After the call, I txtd him and said, please be a friend, just do me a favor, if you don’t want to do this anymore, just tell me. It’s better for me if you just say what you want to say and get it over with, because I get the feeling you don’t want to talk to me about anything anymore. Just be a gentleman and tell me. After about two hours he says I’m on a conference call, stop txtng me this BS, I’ll call you later. He finally did, and when I told him I was snowed in at our favorite hotel, he said I wish I was there. I should have said, me too. But I was upset and said, no, you don’t. He proceeds to yell at me saying, I told you, don’t question me, this is what you did the other night, I want to see you as long as you don’t second guess me. I tried to calm him down, but he basically hung up still mad.

That night I sent him a sweet txt, and the next morning. I just said, I won’t do this again, but I apologize for the original argument, I overreacted. I don’t want to add stress to your life. But I’m upset, and would like one normal, calm conversation with you.

That was a week ago. Nothing. I won’t txt him again. But is this a case of taking the easy way out, just hoping I’ll disappear?

I didn’t say it before because I wanted opinions just based on the situation. But I need to add, he’s married. He has given me the story you’d expect, they got married for wrong reasons, almost split up before, now just together for kids, she won’t have sex. I’ve never been involved with a married man. The original conversation that started all of this was him saying, my plan is to move out in the next few months, and yes, I see you in the picture. I can only imagine the responses I’m gonna get on that one!

Sorry for this long letter, but one more thing. It’s a very small office. There’s another guy here who keeps asking him are he and I hooking up. The other guy is married and notorious for cheating and has flirted with me. He is open and brags about cheating. My guy had commented that when he first met me, he asked about me and my situation. Then there was a night when I saw him texting someone latish and when I asked who it was, he said it was this other man. I’m now wondering if this whole situation was a set up to see who could get to me first. I feel very, very vulnerable and stupid right now.
Age: 40
State: GA

Listen, this is a fucked up situation. You know that. You don’t need me to tell you that. This guy is triggering bad behavior in you. That’s all you need to know to back off. You don’t want your co-workers knowing your business, period. You definitely don’t want them to know that you’re screwing a married man. Stop this now. Cut this guy out of your life. It’s destined to implode. Whether or not he’s interested is irrelevant to the bigger issue. He’s bad for you. Full stop.

While he’s automatically an asshole for cheating on his wife, you’re also being hella annoying with your texts and pleas for validation and reinforcement. This will not end well. You two are a toxic combination. You’re needy and he’s distant and withholding of affirmation. Every time you push for something, he will pull back if only to torture you. The relationship will become a battle of wills.

You are vulnerable right now. The bad kind of vulnerable. This guy is going to end up damaging you. Get away from him and get to therapy. He’s bringing out aspects to your personality that are unattractive and unhealthy. That’s how you know the relationship is toxic. I’m not saying he’s the cause of this behavior, because he’s not. These issues are pre-existing. But the way he treats you absolutely triggers it. You need to speak to a professional so that they can help you get to the bottom of why you get involved with people like this or else you’ll keep doing it.

You put yourself in a situation that triggers your bad behaviors. You didn’t randomly come upon this man. You chose him. You need to figure out why. Something about dynamics like this serve a purpose to you. You must figure out what that purpose is and why it exists so that you don’t continue to repeat the pattern.

Monday, February 3, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

If Someone Blows You Off, Should You Contact Them Again?

Posted: 03 Feb 2014 02:48 PM PST

Name: Lisa FRIENDSTURKEY
Comment: Would it be weird if I did the following: shipped by mail a small gift I had bought someone I went on a few dates with? I haven’t heard from him in a few days. He knows a bought him a puzzle (it’s a hobby of his). I have his address because I drove up to his house last week. I did send this guy an email on the dating site we met on telling him I did not like getting no response to the last text I sent him. What should I do? I can’t return the puzzle, bought it on clearance (only reason I got it).
Age: 34
City: Hartford
State: Ct

I would either eat the loss or re-gift the puzzle. You’re looking for an excuse to reach out to him, but you’ve already done that and it doesn’t seem like you got the response you were looking for. Continuing to try and create or orchestrate conversation will make you appear like you’re trying too hard. If he wasn’t even gracious enough to respond to a text that you sent him after you went out a few times, then why reward him? All that will lead him to believe is that he can blow someone off and they’ll still seek out his attention and approval.

In the future, don’t reach out to people to chastise them for not responding to you. Maybe he thought it was the more humane way to handle things. Maybe he’s just a jerkface. The why doesn’t matter. Confronting people like that will always, and I mean always, make the person doing the confronting look bad. It’s one thing to follow up one last time just in case something got lost or overlooked or forgotten. I don’t see anything wrong with that. But guilt tripping someone you barely know rarely ever ends with them offering a sincere apology. Nor does it typically lead to another date.

I would also avoid buying gifts for people that you are casually dating. Not only does it often lead to situations such as yours, but it reveals a level of investment and interest that might be premature.

Lying Is An Essential Part of Dating

Posted: 03 Feb 2014 05:12 AM PST

Name: BNina
Comment: My friend and I took a weekend trip. One night at a bar we met these two guys from the east coast. I ended up hooking up with one of them. Because of time/circumstance I had to go back to my hotel and he didn’t “finish off” but he asked for my number. Next day I flew back home to Los Angeles without seeing him again.

Fast forward four months later, and we have been texting almost every day since we met. (He initiated the texting). Although it is for the most part sexual/superficial texts, he does keep saying things like “I can’t wait to see where this goes” and mentioning meeting up (he travels a lot for work)to which I told him I was able to and willing. Then, four months into this, one day he doesn’t respond to a text. I waited a week before sending him off another one and no response. Finally a week later I text him again to say hi and ask him if he is done with this to which he responds “No! Please don’t stop texting! You just need to bear with me when I get slammed at work and have to travel. I’m sorry I haven’t texted”. Ok. But then it happens again. So now he’s texting every week. Fine. But I think it’s weird given it was almost daily, and also, when I just say hi, in this day and age of cell phones, it should take him a second to say hi back, not a whole week.

I’ve had plenty of men pull the fade on me, but usually after a week or a few dates. Never after 4 months of almost daily contact. I’m getting mixed messages. Why say he DOES want to keep texting? Why say things like he can’t wait to see where this goes? Why does he mention meeting up but won’t make concrete plans? What’s in it for him? He’s in his 30′s, has a really good (but demanding) job. He travels a lot for work. I’m sure he gets laid alot. Why would any guy do this for four months straight? I’m experienced enough where I don’t build illusions or waste time on one night stands esp. ones that live so far away. But I’m not sure why I can’t shake this one off – a gut feeling tells me this is special and there’s something there.
Age: 34
City: Los Angeles
State: CA

Why say he DOES want to keep texting?

Because that’s more polite than saying that he doesn’t.

What’s in it for him?

Attention.

I’m sure he gets laid alot.

Exactly.

Why would any guy do this for four months straight?

Do what? Send texts? This doesn’t involve any kind of Herculean effort on his part. Bee boop bop bop. See? I just wrote a text.

I’m experienced enough where I don’t build illusions or waste time on one night stands

Are you sure? Because this letter says otherwise.

a gut feeling tells me this is special and there’s something there.

Ah, yes. The “gut feeling.” Also known as our worst enemy fueled by too many rom coms.

You have built illusions around this guy and the night you spent with him. To him, you’re a woman he met in a bar that he tried to have sex with. He took your number or offered his because, why not? It’s the polite thing to do in those circumstances. The text flirting is a fun and a nice ego boost for him. But for you it’s something more. It means something, as you consider the time and effort involved to hint at true investment. That’s where most of us go wrong. Engaging in months long text exchanges really doesn’t involve or require much effort. When you broke the week long silence and asked him if he wanted to stop staying in touch, of course he was going to say no. That’s what most people would say. He’s trying to detach from the situation. So let him.

As I’ve mentioned many times now, sometimes people just..say things. The words they form sound right at the time. They might even believe that what they’re saying is true. They’re not trying to be misleading or hurtful. I would guess that often times they don’t even know why they’re saying what they’re saying. That’s why you can’t read too much into them. Where situations like this go wrong is when people take responses to the next level and become effusive and disingenuous. When you asked him if he preferred to cut off the texting, he could have and should have said, “Sorry, work has me out of touch for the foreseeable future.” Boom. Done. BTW, that would be a lie. He’s lying when he says he’s too slammed to text with you. That’s why saying something like, “No!! Please don’t stop texting!” is unfair and inappropriate. He’s encouraging you to text knowing he’s “slammed” with work and that you’ll have to “bear with him.” People aren’t wrong or bad to lie in these situations. But they are wrong to pretend to be more interested than they actually are. Lying and diplomacy are two very important skills to master in order to date successfully.

Take a step back from this and listen to yourself. Other than the several months worth of electronic messages, what about this is special or unique? What has he done – done, not said – to make you think he thinks this is special?

You can’t shake it off because you believe that his willingness to text you for so long must have meant something. It did. To you. To him? Probably not so much.