Wednesday, February 12, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

And That's Why You're Single

You’re The One Making Dating Complicated

Posted: 12 Feb 2014 05:41 AM PST


Name: Maryhollowayjudge

Comment: Alex and I knew each other since high school, about 15 years. He dated a couple of women that I’m friends with when they were really young. Nothing serious tho. After my 10 year relationship with a former spouse ended, Alex and I started talking. I never wanted to pursue anything with him because he dated my girlfriends and I didn’t want to be known as that friend that dates others exes. Anyway, somehow we managed to talk often and ended up sleeping together. From then, we talked everyday, a couple times a day. We saw each other every week, hung out, went to the movies, had dinner, sex, etc.

During this time, he would always tell me that he really likes me and enjoys my company. We talk to each other like we r dating with babe, miss yous, etc. However, it was a secret and no one knew about us.

After about 2 months, I said it was getting complicated and asked him what he wanted from this. He said that he was going to leave the country for an extended period, and asked what I thought he wanted.  So I assumed that meant he doesn’t want anything. I already knew he was leaving for an extended period. Anyway he kept messaging wanting to talk and saying he misses me and wants to see me. I snapped and said I wasn’t an item that he can just see and have sex with whenever he wants. I don’t get it. U either want to date me or not. From all the signs I really thought he’s into me. But now since our last convo, it seems like it may be just sex? Was I reading the cues wrong? I told him that I can’t do this cuz eventually I’ll have feelings and get attached. He hasn’t called since. What does that mean? I always thought that if a guy truly wants u he will do anything to get her. Is that true?
Age: 28
City: New York City
State: New York

I never wanted to pursue anything with him because he dated my girlfriends and I didn’t want to be known as that friend that dates others exes. Anyway, somehow we managed to talk often and ended up sleeping together.

Yes. Somehow you managed to end up sleeping with this guy even though you insist that you’re not the type of woman to sleep with exes of her friends. Not that I think you did anything wrong. If the relationships were that far in the past, then I don’t see the problem with you dating this guy. It kind of sounds like he’s made the rounds of your social circle and that nobody else worried about stepping on toes. So why should you? My point in bringing this up is to highlight how we often like to tell ourselves one thing, but actually believe something else. If you didn’t feel comfortable sleeping with  a man who dated your friends, you wouldn’t do it. Period. If that were a true standard that you held, you wouldn’t have strayed from it. Now your perspective is put into question.

He said that he was going to leave the country for an extended period, and asked what I thought he wanted.

Make note of how he responded to your inquiry. He didn’t offer a direct response. He deflected and turned it around on you. Pay attention to behavior like that. He’s trying to get you to say that things would need to be put on ice while he left the country. He wants you to bring it up so he doesn’t have to. It sounds like he just assumed you would take the hint and know that, since he was leaving, things would eventually end. He didn’t so anything to make sure you and he were on the same page because that would hinder his ability to get what he wanted.

However, it was a secret and no one knew about us.

I just..okay. Whatever. More drama.

I always thought that if a guy truly wants u he will do anything to get her. Is that true?

l do believe that that is true. I just don’t think this guy is as taken or invested as you think. You’re romanticizing this situation. Will a guy move mountains to be with a woman he loves? I think so. But that kind of love is not something that develops this quickly. Maybe in movies guys have that light bulb moment when they realize they need to run across town so they can get to that party and kiss the girl they realized they can’t live without at midnight. But in real life? That just doesn’t happen. And when it does happen this swiftly, I happen to think it’s suspect.

He knew he was leaving. That right there should tell you what he was looking for and, frankly, what you’re dealing with.

To be honest, it sounds like you know where you stand. You know this guy is leaving for an extended period of time. You know you’re getting attached. The solution to this seems obvious. Either detach and appropriate your expectations or walk away. Instead you want to re-enact some plot line from a rom com.

I’m 99% sure this will not end with him getting off the plane and running through an airport to get back home to you.

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