Sunday, February 9, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

And That's Why You're Single

How Picky Can You Get Away With Being If You’re Over 35 and Single?

Posted: 09 Feb 2014 02:50 PM PST


Name: Jenniferhappyending
Comment: Hello,
    After 26 years of being married, I have completed the divorce process and have been attempting online dating.
 I am having problems with attracting a quality  guy.  I get quite a number of 20 and 30 year old who seem to want to hook up.  I also get men who are not on the same wavelength with me.  I get tons of men who seem to hate women or have mommy issues.  I get men who are not attractive to me.  I get men in the extremes of my age ranges 20′s and 30s or 60s and 70s.  Is it possible to find an  intelligent, successful, attractive, funny, out going man who has a good character?

I am not sure how else to meet men as when I am in public, I have never been approached by a man, say at the market.

I think I am beautiful, kind, successful, compassionate, loving and affection as well as funny. Maybe it is that I am too intelligent.
P.S. I think men see my breast and make a judgement about me.
Age: 51
City: Phoenix
State: AZ

I was watching the #SinglesinAmerica streamcast yesterday and the topic of men in their forties and older came up. A woman in the audience was talking about how all the men she was meeting in the forty and above category all seemed “damaged.” That’s a nice catch-all phrase that usually means, “doesn’t want to commit to me.”

The fact is that men in their late thirties to mid-fifties are in high demand. There’s a ton of us and a smaller segment of them. So, naturally, those guys are going to be more difficult to get. They have options. A lot of ‘em. And if they have enough, well then it’s unlikely they’ll be settling down any time soon. Why would they? Especially if they already have their kids from a previous marriage. This means that in order to get their attention, women our age have to be more proactive and a little less rigid. Scoff if you like, but if it’s a serious relationship you want, settling is a must. That doesn’t mean that you have to accept whatever comes your way or that you can’t be discerning. It just means you can’t be as discerning.

But before you try to pursue these men, you have to ask yourself one very important question:

What do I bring to the table that matters?

Bottom line? Guys don’t give a crap about your educational back ground. Trust me, your intelligence doesn’t scare them off. Nor do your heaving breasts. We all think we’re beautiful. Heck, I think I’m sexy as hell…but I’m not a guy. That means that I don’t get to decide what men should or should not find attractive. If you’re not getting approached offline, then you may not be as beautiful and wonderful as you think.Either there’s something about your demeanor that makes men think you’re closed off or not approachable or your looks don’t measure up the way you think they do.

Here’s the brutal reality. You and me and most other women in their late thirties and up? To men in their late thirties and older with their stuff together, with charm and personality and a measure of success,  we’re C-list. B-list at best.  All those stories you hear from female friends and peers complaining about that guy who faded or how hard online dating is? They’re going after the men with all the options. If they’re chasing around those guys, then it’s safe to assume other women are, too.  That’s what si creating the mass clusterfuck that we keep hearing about.

If you’re dating online, then your profile has to be red flag free and your photos need to be amazing. You’re going to have to make a concerted effort to search profiles and view the profiles of men you like. Rate them, wink at them, whatever. Just don’t message them until they return or somehow initiate interest. (View your profile, wink, message you, etc.) If you exchange messages then get them off the site as soon as possible. The last thing you want to do is give them a reason to hang around a dating site, as they’ll inevitably be contacted by someone else and their interest will wane. If you want those in demand guys, then you’re going to have to work for them. There can’t be any sitting back and waiting for them to contact you, because that will never happen. They’re being messaged by dozens and dozens of other women. You have to make a concerted effort to drop your bait in their pond.

If you’re not willing to make this kind of effort, then you’re going to have to pare down your must have list to include only the must must haves. Those are your two choices. He might be good looking but not terribly successful or might possess a super intellect but not be as attractive as you like. Concessions will have to be made. That includes maybe moving to someplace where the odds are more in your favor.

It doesn’t just magically happen for us. It’s certainly not impossible to find love, but it takes work to find something consistent and mutually beneficial at our age. It also requires that we be honest with ourselves about what we have to offer and what we can reasonably pull without breaking our back.

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