And That's Why You're Single |
| How To Know When a Relationship Is Toxic Posted: 04 Feb 2014 02:54 PM PST Name: Kelly Moxie, I’ve heard you say before, sometimes a non-answer is your answer. As a follow-up to my earlier situation – we had “snowmageddon” here in the South last week. The day of, my guy called the office, but not to talk to me, just called the main number to ask for one of the guys. When I answered he was very odd, talking to me like I WAS one of the guys, just hey, what’s up, so anyway, is so and so there? After the call, I txtd him and said, please be a friend, just do me a favor, if you don’t want to do this anymore, just tell me. It’s better for me if you just say what you want to say and get it over with, because I get the feeling you don’t want to talk to me about anything anymore. Just be a gentleman and tell me. After about two hours he says I’m on a conference call, stop txtng me this BS, I’ll call you later. He finally did, and when I told him I was snowed in at our favorite hotel, he said I wish I was there. I should have said, me too. But I was upset and said, no, you don’t. He proceeds to yell at me saying, I told you, don’t question me, this is what you did the other night, I want to see you as long as you don’t second guess me. I tried to calm him down, but he basically hung up still mad. That night I sent him a sweet txt, and the next morning. I just said, I won’t do this again, but I apologize for the original argument, I overreacted. I don’t want to add stress to your life. But I’m upset, and would like one normal, calm conversation with you. That was a week ago. Nothing. I won’t txt him again. But is this a case of taking the easy way out, just hoping I’ll disappear? I didn’t say it before because I wanted opinions just based on the situation. But I need to add, he’s married. He has given me the story you’d expect, they got married for wrong reasons, almost split up before, now just together for kids, she won’t have sex. I’ve never been involved with a married man. The original conversation that started all of this was him saying, my plan is to move out in the next few months, and yes, I see you in the picture. I can only imagine the responses I’m gonna get on that one! Sorry for this long letter, but one more thing. It’s a very small office. There’s another guy here who keeps asking him are he and I hooking up. The other guy is married and notorious for cheating and has flirted with me. He is open and brags about cheating. My guy had commented that when he first met me, he asked about me and my situation. Then there was a night when I saw him texting someone latish and when I asked who it was, he said it was this other man. I’m now wondering if this whole situation was a set up to see who could get to me first. I feel very, very vulnerable and stupid right now.
Listen, this is a fucked up situation. You know that. You don’t need me to tell you that. This guy is triggering bad behavior in you. That’s all you need to know to back off. You don’t want your co-workers knowing your business, period. You definitely don’t want them to know that you’re screwing a married man. Stop this now. Cut this guy out of your life. It’s destined to implode. Whether or not he’s interested is irrelevant to the bigger issue. He’s bad for you. Full stop. While he’s automatically an asshole for cheating on his wife, you’re also being hella annoying with your texts and pleas for validation and reinforcement. This will not end well. You two are a toxic combination. You’re needy and he’s distant and withholding of affirmation. Every time you push for something, he will pull back if only to torture you. The relationship will become a battle of wills. You are vulnerable right now. The bad kind of vulnerable. This guy is going to end up damaging you. Get away from him and get to therapy. He’s bringing out aspects to your personality that are unattractive and unhealthy. That’s how you know the relationship is toxic. I’m not saying he’s the cause of this behavior, because he’s not. These issues are pre-existing. But the way he treats you absolutely triggers it. You need to speak to a professional so that they can help you get to the bottom of why you get involved with people like this or else you’ll keep doing it. You put yourself in a situation that triggers your bad behaviors. You didn’t randomly come upon this man. You chose him. You need to figure out why. Something about dynamics like this serve a purpose to you. You must figure out what that purpose is and why it exists so that you don’t continue to repeat the pattern.
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