Friday, June 6, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

QUICKIE: If He Said He Wanted To Stay Friends, Why Hasn’t He Called? #atwys

Posted: 06 Jun 2014 02:48 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Wondering

Comment: I recently met someone who I am really attracted to. We met at an event in my hometown. We met one evening and then spent the next day together. We really connected, have a lot in common and really had a great time together. The problem is that he lives 5 hours away. Hen mentioned when we met he had a bad long distance relationship, but said we would get to know each other and see how it goes. We spoke every day for a week and everything seemed to be going well. He called me the last night we spoke and said that he just couldn’t do a long distance relationship. He was extremely apologetic and sounded upset that he had to tell me how he felt. He said he wanted to stay friends. I told him I understood, but that I really hoped we could continue a friendship. It’s been three weeks and I haven’t heard from him again. Is it possible that he is scared to contact me again and that I should reach out to him and try to have a friendship or is it a sign that he is truly not interested I any kind of relationship and that is why he hasn’t called?
Age: 37
City: Fayetteville
State: Ga

Is he scared? No. No, he’s not scared. That’s a rationalization people like to use to help them understand why someone would say one thing and turn around and do another. He hasn’t called because he isn’t really interested in being friends.He likely only said that he wanted to stay friends to cushion the blow.

You live 5 hours away. When he was in town and with you, he was more open to suggestions. But once he got back home and returned to his life, he realized that trying to date someone 5 hours away wasn’t for him. It’s not that he’s wounded and trying to work past previous hurts. He just changed his mind, is all. People do that. We think we want something and then get some space from the issue and realize we don’t want it.

He doesn’t see the point in maintaining anything with you, as it would probably wasted energy on his part.

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Tips For Tinder Success #atwys

Posted: 06 Jun 2014 05:04 AM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Noelle
:
Comment: The more I date, the more I try to trust my instincts. If a guy is sporadic with contacting me, I assume he’s not that interested in me, seeing someone else, or is just interested in a hookup. I went on a date this past weekend with a guy I met on Tinder. He seemed very interested and kissed me at the end of the night. He texted that night and then again the following day several times. He asked when we were going to get together again and I suggested a fun date for this weekend. After a few hours, he texted that it sounded fun.

The following day, I didn’t hear from him at all. I then got a text the day after that wondering if we were going to get together on Friday as I had suggested, because he wanted to plan his weekend. I texted back that Friday worked for me and haven’t heard from him in a day. Am I being paranoid, or are my instincts probably right? I assume that if someone is interested is something more than a hookup, they would be consistent about responding and contacting me. That’s been my experience many times in the past. I don’t want to waste my time with flaky guys. He’s 8 years older than me, so I’m not sure if that makes a difference with the texting.
Age: 32
City: New York City
State: New York

I have a similar issue with guys from Tinder, which makes me think that this sort of response time is somewhat normal. If he’s following up and trying to firm up plans, then I think you need to extend the benefit of the doubt to him. People get busy. Just because they’re not up our butts with texts and attention doesn’t mean they’re up to no good.

This guy isn’t being sporadic. He’s just not texting you every day. There’s a difference. There’s no rule that says you can’t send him a text, too. In fact, I’d suggest doing something like that. If you do want to be in touch more regularly then send him a text and ask him how his day is going.

As a general tip, I would suggest getting off Tinder and moving to regular email fairly quickly. Not everybody keeps that alert notification on. Not only that but the use of the app limits conversation. There’s only so much you can say when you’re typing on your phone.

Personally, I get the feeling that Tinder is starting to lose its luster for a lot of people. That charge you get every time you get a match eventually dulls. And the flakiness of people on Tinder compared to that of a regular dating site is unparallelled.

Admittedly, I don’t email most of the people I match with. If I liked them first, and then get a match alert later, then I’ll contact them. But if they liked me first, I wait for them to contact me. If they don’t, I don’t bother. After a few months your profile stops serving up matches completely and you’re forced to delete your profile and reactivate it. Most annoying is the amount of old photos people post. If someone’s photo is blurry, it’s because it’s old. The picture of someone in the front seat of their car has replaced the bathroom selfie. Stop with that, too.That primary photo HAS to be one of you and only you and it must be clear and recent. Your primary photo should not involve or include the following:

A selfie shot of you in the bathroom or car
A picture of you with a child
A picture of you wearing a hat or sunglasses or puffy jacket or anything that obstructs you
A meme or quote or cartoon
A picture of you with friends. Don’t make me try to figure out which one you are, because I won’t.

When you’re sitting there swiping left and swiping left and clicking that “X” you do it almost automatically after a brief time. That’s why that primary photo needs to make someone stop for a moment and look. Don’t try to be cute or artistic or mysterious.

When you first create a profile, take the time to write the bio. Things people should include in their bio/profile in order to avoid awkward conversations.

Your height
A full body shot
Your preferred location settings i.e. “5 mile radius of Manhattan”
At least 3 photos – Face, body shot, social shot
Your career/job
Whether or not you have kids or are divorced/separated
What city/borough/state you live in specifically. If you travel to another state and want to use Tinder, make sure to update your profile to say where you live and that you’re in that state for a brief amount of time. If you live in a suburb but work in a major city, be upfront that you live in that suburb or borough.
If you prefer to meet locals only, then tack that on to the end of your profile. Don’t be snarky about it. “Locals only” or “Tourists please swipe left” will suffice.

It’s tempting to select a location setting of 2 or 3 miles, but remember something. A lot of people who show up won’t actually live that close to you. I believe Tinder uses GPS tracking, not the zip code you list on your Facebook page. I’m curious as to whether or not you have to activate your GPS locator on your phone in order to come up in searches. I assume you would need to do that so the app can find you. I am not sure that’s the case, though.

If you match with someone, email them soon after you get that alert. If you thought online dating moved fast, then you’ll be blown away by the brief window of availability you have with Tinder. Take the shopping cart mentality of online dating and double it. People want to see how many matches they’ll get, so they just continue to swipe right even if there’s just the tiniest bit of interest.

With online dating, you can trade 3 or 4 messages each and then set up a date. With Tinder it seems people need twice that amount. I still think Tinder is a great way to meet people, but it involves a lot more patience and time.

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Thursday, June 5, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Spoiler Alert: The “I Get Attached After Sex” Thing Is a Myth #atwys

Posted: 05 Jun 2014 05:00 AM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Confused New Relationship – Am I sleeping with him too soon? A young couple enjoying tea together
:
Comment: My most recent conversations with a guy have made me feel that perhaps our interactions have been calculated and that I have misinterpreted idle chat for openness and emotional vulnerability. After just under a month he rings me much less (a few times saying he’ll call later then doesn’t call at all).

I was going to sleep with him this weekend but now I wonder whether I’m giving the milk away for free. We have talked about how much we like each other but that neither of us are in love yet. I get quite attached afterwards and find that good sex confuses a lot of issues.

Our Background:
I’ve been in a long distance relationship with a guy i met at a family wedding for the last month. He was my cousin’s best man (my cousin is a really good guy) and as a consequence I think I might have transferred a lot of trust over to him far too quickly (he’s stayed round several times whilst I’ve been @ work & has open access to my spare keys, he’s given me his debit card & pin number) and have been sending a lot of mixed messages.

For the first two weeks we text then spoke to each other daily (2 hours plus @ a time) he seemed super open and we talked about everything from his previous engagement & why it failed, his casual relationships, phone sex, his intentions with me, his family, my problems with my dad (which I never tell anyone), his deceased father…blah blah…As a consequence I found myself with a (?false) perception of being super close to him so I’ve been a complete open book (I’m normally initially aloof and quite closed off) with him saying whatever pops into my head and being really open about all my insecurities.

On our first weekend together he stayed over @ my flat, we had dinner together oral sex (afterwards I panicked, confirmed he wasn’t seeing anyone else and became his girlfriend), went to a family BBQ and I went from being adamant that i wasn’t going to sleep with him 2 going to a shop with him specifically to buy some condoms (it was all from me, he’d been perfectly happy to spoon & fool around) – & the only reason I didn’t was due to entry issues.

During our next three days together I was on my period so nothing happened but I didn’t dissuade him of the impression that we would be having sex @ t next available opportunity & I’ve just had a Hollywood wax specifically for him.

I’m spending this weekend with him, he thinks were going to have sex which I was happy with but when I was speaking to him the other day I realised that he’s only just starting to open up to me emotionally and that his words in previous conversations have been ‘calculated’ ( his own admission), & that for him sex is normally just a fun act. More recently he no longer call me every day and a couple of times has said he’ll call me back & doesn’t, I haven’t told him it bothers me. If I sleep with him I’m going to become really attached to a guy who its just hitting me how much I don’t really know him and give him all the power. I’m not sure what to do about my cold feet because I’ve completely led him on.To make things worse after this weekend I will not see him for a month.
Age: 29
City: Manchester
State: Greater Manchester

It sounds to me like he’s distancing himself a bit because you require so much reassurance. The fact that he told you that he sees sex as merely “a fun act” is, I think, his way of saying you’re putting way too much thought into all of this. You’re doing a lot of talking, but he’s not seeing much in terms of results. Most people find talking about sex and what it means and how will it change things rather tedious. All the chatter completely takes the fun out of something that’s supposed to be enjoyable.

You keep saying how the sex is going to make you more attached, but it’s pretty clear from this letter you’re already inordinately attached to this guy. I happen to think that the whole “sex clouds your judgment/oxytocin!/sex makes me more attached” thing to be a flimsy excuse. Yes, sex makes you feel like you’ve bonded with someone due to the hormones released and the physical act of intercourse. But that feeling only lasts for so long. I honestly feel like telling someone we get more attached after sex is a stealth way to try and get that person to commit to us beforehand. If you’re a rational person before hand, you don’t suddenly lose all ability to rationalize forever because you had an orgasm.

Your use of the phrase “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” confirms my suspicion that you want to trade sex for exclusivity, and that that’s why this guy is taking a step back. You might not be doing this consciously, but that’s how your letter reads to me. You’ve seen this guy multiple times, you’ve given him keys to your apartment, etc. But you haven’t slept with him. You can’t say that you don’t trust him because if that were the case you wouldn’t be giving him keys to your apartment or letting him stay there while you’re not there. He’s backing off because he’s annoyed. On top of being annoyed, he’s sensing that you’re going to develop all kinds of expectations and that things will eventually end because you’ll want more before he’s ready to give it. Nobody likes feeling like they are on probation. He’s done what he could to show you he likes you, and yet you’re still kind of badgering him and testing him.

I don’t know how the topic of his broken engagement or his casual relationships came up, but if he offered that information on his own, he did it to let you know he’s not looking for anything serious. If you asked about it then you need to stop that. He’s not applying for a job with M16. It’s not your place to vet him in that manner. His past is none of your business.

If you know you’re not comfortable sleeping with him, then cancel his visit. It’s not fair of you to use the lure of sex to get him to spend time with you knowing that you’re on the fence. Unless you’re able to relax and let things progress naturally without constantly prodding him, I wouldn’t pursue this.

Thoughts?

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Wednesday, June 4, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

The First Rule of Casual Sex Is You Don’t Talk About Casual Sex #atwys

Posted: 04 Jun 2014 12:52 PM PDT

Mandy over at xoJane wrote an interesting article today that I wanted to discuss. From the article: datingsex11

Step 1: Make it clear in your dating profile that you are open to a purely hookup scenario.

Mandy is speaking specifically of Tinder, but I assume she means that this disclaimer should be included in any profile. Here’s why I disagree with this.

For starters, disclaimers of any kind always read to me as suspect. Either the person is trying to tell you something without telling you i.e. “I’m not looking for anything serious” (Read: I just want to get laid) or they’re trying to convince you of something that isn’t totally true (Read: “Not interested in casual hook-ups!”). They’re using these sentiments to create a picture that isn’t entirely accurate.

The next reason why I say someone shouldn’t do more than check off a casual sex box if that’s what they seek is because you’re setting yourself up for one awkward situation should the attraction not be mutual. You’re also setting yourself up for a dream date to end all dream dates that ends in sex and then you never hear from them again.

This may seem obvious — but for a long time, I actually didn’t say anything like this. Then I realized, the truth of the matter is: I don’t even want to date most of the guys that I meet for a dinner date. So I usually make it coffee. And even then, it can often feel like the most arduous job interview ever — or like an unpaid consulting gig. I’m watching the clock the whole time, and at 45 minutes in, I find some excuse to leave. So I tried to be more realistic. I wrote on my Tinder “Looking for a long-term serious thing but not averse to a good FWB situation since work takes up the majority of my time.” There we go. And, presto. I’ve just saved myself hours and days of figuring out what page everyone is on.

I don’t understand why she’s meeting guys she wouldn’t actually date. There’s a lapse in logic here that makes no sense. I assume she means that the majority of guys she meets are ones she would only sleep with. In which case, there’s no need for the disclaimer. If that’s the case, then you meet them, determine attraction and then slyly invite them back to your apartment to show them your oil paintings. I doubt most will be offended or turned off.

I like Skype and FaceTime for talking to someone ahead of time to see if you’re on the same intellectual wavelength. That may not be important to some people, but I find myself attracted to personality and intelligence over all else. Looks are great, but there has to be that X factor of mental spark at play. Talking on FaceTime also allows you to see someone in their office setting. Unless there were some elaborate long-game machinations at work where someone has rented out an office, hired actors to play their co-workers, etc., this is a nice way to be able to guarantee that — take for example, in my case — an editor is really an editor.

I’m down with preferring to date/hook-up with guys with whom there is a spark and connection. You want to be able to hang-out with them and not be thinking how you’d wish they’d stop talking. Again, the Facetime thing about confirming they work in an office makes no sense. They could still be lying.

I honestly think this is the main factor where people can go wrong. (Or where I’ve gone wrong, anyway.) Something casual can be so great and refreshing — but ONLY if you feel good about it afterward. For me, I know I feel good when it’s two people essentially going to the happy sex gym together. What ruins it for me is when I can tell that after all is said and done, the guy thinks I’m some less-than discardable slut. (Mainly, this has happened to me with a few guys in their 20s. So, good job, thirty-something guys.) But you can tell what someone’s philosophy toward women is through a brief conversation ahead of time. Be frank, and you’ll get a frank response. “So what do you think of the fact that I’m just interested in hooking up with you?” If he responds with something like, “Hey, man, I suppose it takes all kinds,” then, ew. If he says, “Yeah, I get it, I’m so overloaded with work I have zero time to date right now, too,” then ding ding ding this could be your guy.

I don’t know why you would ever say to someone, “So, what do you think about the fact that I just want to hook-up with you?” That question should never come out of a person’s mouth. This doesn’t take into consideration that, you know, the guy could lie and pretend he doesn’t think she’s disposable. This is a rationalization, as is the step Mandy included about wanting to make sure there’s mutual respect involved. You’ll never know that after an hour. Never. People can and often do lie, especially in these situations.

Honestly, what do you have to say? Are you really interested in dating this person? Well, then you might be in for a world of hurt because your partner is probably just assuming this is only about the sex. Don’t mistake that oxytocin sexytime rush for actual love or pair-bonding. I love when two people are on the same page about something. Make sure this is the case with your FWB situation, otherwise it will become your Friend Who (is a) Bummer situation.

Wait. Hold on. What’s the point in vetting them and making sure there’s respect and intellectual compatibility and zing and all that if you wouldn’t consider dating them? Why wouldn’t you date them – even casually – if all of that was present? Once more, logic fail.

“Do women really need detailed instructions on how to get casual sex? Step 1. Go to pier. Step 2. “Hello sailor. ” Done and done.” a friend

— ATWYSingle (@ATWYSingle) June 4, 2014

To me, it feels as though Mandy is vetting these guys for dating material under the guise of being open to casual sex. Which, I think, is what a lot of men will assume. And here’s why I think that. Because at the end of the article Mandy says:

I honestly think that is a big mistake that a lot of guys make with women — is feeling like they need to create some Potential Boyfriend Illusion pre-sex to give the woman a nice cozy feeling, when really that’s just a crappy bait and switch. All the two of you have to do is be direct and honest. Are you suddenly wanting something more than casual sex? Cool. Again, just be direct. You have nothing to lose! (Except for a FWB! But that’s a risk worth taking!)

But, pretty much all of her requirements play into the Boyfriend Illusion. To me, it sounds like she wants The Boyfriend Illusion.

As I said to Mandy,I got the feeling that the use of the FWB arrangement in the profile was a way to use sex as a lure. Which I’m fine with. However, it sounds like what she’s looking for is something consistent, which is really just casual dating. The FWB part feels like an attempt to use sex to get something more than sex. Not only that but terms like FWB have lost their meaning now. FWB is just casual or short term dating. I don’t know why people always have to label these interactions. They’re all relationships.

I think the best tact to take when you’re looking for something casual is to approach the date like any other and let the rest fall into place. I don’t think there’s a need to be explicit about anything unless the other person begins to show signs of wanting more. Then you do the humane thing and be honest. But until then? Don’t speak.

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Tuesday, June 3, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Never Assume They’re Not Dating Other People #atwys

Posted: 03 Jun 2014 02:45 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Jessica
Comment: I’ve been seeing a guy I met online for 6 months. We see each other with extreme regularity (once a week) and he is always a complete gentleman. We’ve taken to spending pretty much our whole weekends together, every weekend. He showers me with pleasantries and compliments, I’ve met his brother, and we’ve gone on mini-vacation together. All signs point to boyfriend material. However, we’ve never talked about our status. Not once. At this point, to bring it up seems almost moot – I am treated wonderfully and he’s always been there when I needed him. However, I made the horrible, irreversible mistake of reading his text messages. And now I can’t stop. And now I know he is doing on dates with other girls from dating websites, and it makes me sick. Has everything been a lie? Is he doing it because I’ve never told him he couldn’t? This all makes me feel like a placeholder. I can’t bring up specifics since I was the one snooping around. But how do I open up the conversation?
Age: 28
City: Boston
State: MA

This is why you don’t snoop. Now you’re stuck with information that you can’t reveal or else you’ll lose the upper hand in the argument.

Has what been a lie? You’ve never talked about exclusivity, remember? As I have said several times before, there are a lot of people out there who will absolutely take advantage of the fact that exclusivity has not been discussed and agreed upon. In his mind, he’s not doing anything wrong. He’s exercising his options, something a lot of people in his position would do. My guess is that, if he wanted to lock things down, he would have. That doesn’t mean he won’t, of course. But right now he’s getting to have his cake and eat it, too. That’s hard for many people to give up. If you haven’t brought it up, then he’s thinking that either you don’t want to be exclusive (unlikely) or that he has the perfect set-up and doesn’t want to lose it.

How do you open up the conversation? You tell him that you want things to be exclusive. He’ll either agree or he’ll balk and make up an excuse. No, you shouldn’t tell him what you did. I don’t understand the people who confront whomever they’re dating or emailing with and tell them about the snooping and recon work they did. Especially in cases where the two people haven’t even met. Regardless of the scenario, telling someone you researched them or snooped makes you look crazy and you lose all of your leverage. If you do try to work things out, that person will always have something damning to use against you. That’s why you don’t say anything about what you learned or how you got that information.

The problem here is that you’ve seen those texts, which means you’ll never really trust him.

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Monday, June 2, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Do You Define Yourself By What Men Think of You? #atwys

Posted: 02 Jun 2014 02:47 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Is it my nose?

Comment: Dear Moxie,
I have a large nose for my face but my ex told me daily how beautiful and stunning I was. Too bad he was probably saying the same things to his mistresses. My sense of self took a real shot to say the least. I’ve worked very hard to recover and become even stronger. But I can’t shake obsessing about my nose. Now I can’t look at men when they pass or make eye contact. I’m afraid they are thinking, “Tall thin, brunette, blue eyes but that nose…” I tried online dating but couldn’t get myself to put a picture up. One of the responses I received came from what seemed to be a potentially interesting man who asked for some photos. I sent him two I thought were flattering. His response was, “Gee, I don’t feel any chemistry. I feel awful that I got your hopes up. i guess I learned my lesson.” At first I laughed at his hubris and told myself that my looks were not the most important thing about me. It’s haunted me for almost a year. I can’t shake it. I have a rhinoplasty scheduled next month. I fantasize running into him in town and he’ll realize I am a stunner and just sent some unflattering pictures. I know this is really unhealthy thinking of me, but it’s persistent. Thoughts?
Sincerely,
OG
Age: 51
City: Portland
State: Or

I think that if you want to get surgery, you should do it. If it’s going to give you peace of mind, then go ahead with it. Just ask yourself what you’re going to do the next time someone sees your photo and rejects you. Because that’s going to happen. It happens to all of us. What are you going to do when you don’t have your nose to blame?

I do find it alarming that you are placing so much value on the opinion of one random guy on the internet. It’s hard to ignore such comments, of course. As someone who write son the internet for a living, I understand how sometimes the things said about or to you can seem cutting. But, like I said in this post, we are all vulnerable to it. People are more bold with their opinions online. If it’s not your nose, it will be something else. What then?

You say that you’ve worked on yourself, but that’s not what I hear. I hear a woman who defines herself by what other people (read: men) think of her looks. How often do you hear men doing that? You want to undergo elective surgery in the hopes of finally being “good enough.” You’re not doing it because of a deviated septum or health concern. You’re doing it to become more aesthetically pleasing to men. Really let that marinate in your mind a bit. You want to spend thousands of dollars and endure bruising and swelling and possible complications in the hopes that it will fix everything. Remember, there are no guarantees here.

Will it improve your options? Possibly. When I lost weight, it certainly opened more doors. But did it help me get the guys I wanted, the ones who partly inspired me to lose the weight in the first place? Yes and no. I got them, but after two dates with them, I realized they were douchebags. Oh well. Lesson learned.

You will never be good enough for some people. That’s a reality of life. You will never please everybody. You’re assuming the problem is your nose, but you don’t really know if that’s the case. More concerning is how you’re basing such a major decision as altering the face you were born with on the opinion of random and probably douchey guys.

Everybody has something about their appearance that they are sure is standing between them and romantic happiness. Weight, skin, nose, hair. There are people who actually believe having curly or short hair makes a woman less attractive to a man. It’s time we stop paying attention to nonsense warnings like that. You are what you are. I truly believe that if we embrace those things and stop apologizing for them that level of confidence and happiness will help us find what we’re looking for. Of course, that also involves fixing that broken needle we use to choose relationship prospects.

You’d rather go through surgery than fix that, which really bothers me.

I think we should change what we can control and accept the things we can’t.

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Sunday, June 1, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Beware The Man Who Says All The Right Things After 1 Date #atwys

Posted: 01 Jun 2014 03:16 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): I’m Messed Up, You’re Amazing, Let’s Be Friends

Comment: I met someone online about a month and a half ago. Their message to me was rare in that they clearly were not looking for just a hookup, but genuinely found me interesting. We hit it off and agreed to meet. He was the sweetest guy I had gone on a date with. We went to a restaurant, he bought me a cute gift, and we talked for hours. Our second date was just as great. All the while, we would text multiple times a day and have fun talking to each other. On our third date, we had established that we liked each other and we had sex. Afterwards he told me that he cared for me. We both had gone on a long weekend away to different areas, and when we had gotten back he had dropped a bomb. He said that he could not go further with an amorous relationship because his heart was still with a girlfriend who has died suddenly a few years prior (I had not known this fact). I was shocked and hurt. He was brutally honest in explaining that I was not the one, and that he tried to make it work because he likes me and thinks I’m amazing. He said he felt trapped and that it didn’t feel right. He said we don’t have to change our friendship that we had developed and that we should still hang out. I said I felt he lead me on. He said we can still do things he promised to do with me, like take me to his friend’s wedding and go to a friend’s party. He also said he wants to see me happy and also offered to find me a better job near him so I can work and hang out with him afterwards. He said that I deserve better and that he can’t offer much. It was at a point where he stopped it before it got too serious. I feel good about him being a friend, and I do want to hang out with him again. I personally have no problems repurposing our dates (never established a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship) into a friendship. My question is, is it right? Is he still leading me on with helping me with finding a job? I’m kind of confused. I said I didn’t want to lose him as a friend, but I’m not sure if he’s saying these things to ease the rejection, or if he genuinely wants the friendship with me.
Age: 28
City: Smithtown
State: New York

Maybe he has a dead girlfriend, maybe he doesn’t. Who knows. Maybe he’s still heartbroken over the loss and, years later, is still morning her. Totally possible. Really.

The only thing we know for sure is that he doesn’t want to have a relationship with you. Not a serious or committed one, at least. But he’ll be friends with you! He’ll take you to a friend’s wedding even though you and he have only had three dates. Because, I mean, who doesn’t do that? That’s totally normal! As is buying you a gift on your first date. Sure! That happens all the time!

This guy seems to have a penchant for going overboard and saying things he doesn’t mean. He gets caught up in the moment. I’m not sure why you should believe him when he says he wants to be friends when I’m sure he said equally effusive things when he was gaming to be your boyfriend.

This guys just wanted to have sex with you. Once that goal was achieved, he was done. How does this scenario differ than others we’ve discussed? He tried too hard. I believe this guy has been out of the game for awhile. That explains why he’s so utterly shitastic at it. This guy badly wanted to get laid, so much so that he was making all kinds of promises that he never intended to fulfill. People with options don’t invest that much time and effort into someone they just met. PS? Who the hell agrees to go to a wedding with someone they’ve been out with two or three times? He offered to find you a job so you can be closer to him and so you can hang out with him more? What the wut? Normal people do not exhibit the behavior exhibited by this guy.

Spoiler alert: he’s not going to help you find a job so you can move closer to him. I don’t even think he’s going to attend that wedding with you. You shouldn’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth. Why? Because everything he is saying and doing is so far away from what is considered appropriate that you should be running from him. He’s going overboard with trying to prove he’s not a jerk because he doesn’t want to believe he mislead you. He probably does feel bad. That remorse is likely genuine. But what’s motivating him is a guilty conscience, not a sense of honor.

Their message to me was rare in that they clearly were not looking for just a hookup, but genuinely found me interesting.

Good thing he “clearly” wasn’t just looking for a hook-up, amirite? The lesson here is that people will say and do anything to get what they want. It was in his best interest to present himself as seeking something more than sex. Because, as you learned, he got it. It amazes me when people base their character judgments of people on 4 lines of text.Profile, schmofile. You’re never going to have an idea of their true character and intentions until you’ve dated them for quite some time. And even then you probably won’t know them completely.

You’re never going to know if someone is guaranteed not to bail after sex until you have sex with them. Boom goes the dynamite. That’s why so many people like to delay sex. They think that it will make the person they’re dating become more invested. NOPE! That’s another myth that we hear all the time.

Cut this guy off. He’s exhausting. He’s going to mess with your head until you don’t know which end is up.

And he’s not your friend. Don’t buy into that either. He’s trying to cushion the blow by saying he still wants you in his life.

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*Feedback about specific issues and experiences.
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*Overview of online dating basics – how to write intro messages, how to draw more attention to your profile, how to sort your searches so you can see profiles you might be missing.

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*A complete re-write of your self-summary and other profile sections as well as what you are looking for in a partner or date.
*Assistance with editing and re-writes.
*Photo selection and review.
*Feedback about specific issues and experiences.
*Site selections and Pros & Cons of the more popular dating sites.
*Learn how to write better intro messages that will get responses
*Get tips to draw more attention to your profile
*Learn how to sort your searches so you can see profiles you might be missing.

$75 (Use code BLOG to save $10)