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| Spoiler Alert: The “I Get Attached After Sex” Thing Is a Myth #atwys Posted: 05 Jun 2014 05:00 AM PDT Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Confused New Relationship – Am I sleeping with him too soon? I was going to sleep with him this weekend but now I wonder whether I’m giving the milk away for free. We have talked about how much we like each other but that neither of us are in love yet. I get quite attached afterwards and find that good sex confuses a lot of issues. Our Background: For the first two weeks we text then spoke to each other daily (2 hours plus @ a time) he seemed super open and we talked about everything from his previous engagement & why it failed, his casual relationships, phone sex, his intentions with me, his family, my problems with my dad (which I never tell anyone), his deceased father…blah blah…As a consequence I found myself with a (?false) perception of being super close to him so I’ve been a complete open book (I’m normally initially aloof and quite closed off) with him saying whatever pops into my head and being really open about all my insecurities. On our first weekend together he stayed over @ my flat, we had dinner together oral sex (afterwards I panicked, confirmed he wasn’t seeing anyone else and became his girlfriend), went to a family BBQ and I went from being adamant that i wasn’t going to sleep with him 2 going to a shop with him specifically to buy some condoms (it was all from me, he’d been perfectly happy to spoon & fool around) – & the only reason I didn’t was due to entry issues. During our next three days together I was on my period so nothing happened but I didn’t dissuade him of the impression that we would be having sex @ t next available opportunity & I’ve just had a Hollywood wax specifically for him. I’m spending this weekend with him, he thinks were going to have sex which I was happy with but when I was speaking to him the other day I realised that he’s only just starting to open up to me emotionally and that his words in previous conversations have been ‘calculated’ ( his own admission), & that for him sex is normally just a fun act. More recently he no longer call me every day and a couple of times has said he’ll call me back & doesn’t, I haven’t told him it bothers me. If I sleep with him I’m going to become really attached to a guy who its just hitting me how much I don’t really know him and give him all the power. I’m not sure what to do about my cold feet because I’ve completely led him on.To make things worse after this weekend I will not see him for a month.
It sounds to me like he’s distancing himself a bit because you require so much reassurance. The fact that he told you that he sees sex as merely “a fun act” is, I think, his way of saying you’re putting way too much thought into all of this. You’re doing a lot of talking, but he’s not seeing much in terms of results. Most people find talking about sex and what it means and how will it change things rather tedious. All the chatter completely takes the fun out of something that’s supposed to be enjoyable. You keep saying how the sex is going to make you more attached, but it’s pretty clear from this letter you’re already inordinately attached to this guy. I happen to think that the whole “sex clouds your judgment/oxytocin!/sex makes me more attached” thing to be a flimsy excuse. Yes, sex makes you feel like you’ve bonded with someone due to the hormones released and the physical act of intercourse. But that feeling only lasts for so long. I honestly feel like telling someone we get more attached after sex is a stealth way to try and get that person to commit to us beforehand. If you’re a rational person before hand, you don’t suddenly lose all ability to rationalize forever because you had an orgasm. Your use of the phrase “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” confirms my suspicion that you want to trade sex for exclusivity, and that that’s why this guy is taking a step back. You might not be doing this consciously, but that’s how your letter reads to me. You’ve seen this guy multiple times, you’ve given him keys to your apartment, etc. But you haven’t slept with him. You can’t say that you don’t trust him because if that were the case you wouldn’t be giving him keys to your apartment or letting him stay there while you’re not there. He’s backing off because he’s annoyed. On top of being annoyed, he’s sensing that you’re going to develop all kinds of expectations and that things will eventually end because you’ll want more before he’s ready to give it. Nobody likes feeling like they are on probation. He’s done what he could to show you he likes you, and yet you’re still kind of badgering him and testing him. I don’t know how the topic of his broken engagement or his casual relationships came up, but if he offered that information on his own, he did it to let you know he’s not looking for anything serious. If you asked about it then you need to stop that. He’s not applying for a job with M16. It’s not your place to vet him in that manner. His past is none of your business. If you know you’re not comfortable sleeping with him, then cancel his visit. It’s not fair of you to use the lure of sex to get him to spend time with you knowing that you’re on the fence. Unless you’re able to relax and let things progress naturally without constantly prodding him, I wouldn’t pursue this. Thoughts?
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