And That's Why You're Single

Do You Define Yourself By What Men Think of You? #atwys

Posted: 02 Jun 2014 02:47 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Is it my nose?

Comment: Dear Moxie,
I have a large nose for my face but my ex told me daily how beautiful and stunning I was. Too bad he was probably saying the same things to his mistresses. My sense of self took a real shot to say the least. I’ve worked very hard to recover and become even stronger. But I can’t shake obsessing about my nose. Now I can’t look at men when they pass or make eye contact. I’m afraid they are thinking, “Tall thin, brunette, blue eyes but that nose…” I tried online dating but couldn’t get myself to put a picture up. One of the responses I received came from what seemed to be a potentially interesting man who asked for some photos. I sent him two I thought were flattering. His response was, “Gee, I don’t feel any chemistry. I feel awful that I got your hopes up. i guess I learned my lesson.” At first I laughed at his hubris and told myself that my looks were not the most important thing about me. It’s haunted me for almost a year. I can’t shake it. I have a rhinoplasty scheduled next month. I fantasize running into him in town and he’ll realize I am a stunner and just sent some unflattering pictures. I know this is really unhealthy thinking of me, but it’s persistent. Thoughts?
Sincerely,
OG
Age: 51
City: Portland
State: Or

I think that if you want to get surgery, you should do it. If it’s going to give you peace of mind, then go ahead with it. Just ask yourself what you’re going to do the next time someone sees your photo and rejects you. Because that’s going to happen. It happens to all of us. What are you going to do when you don’t have your nose to blame?

I do find it alarming that you are placing so much value on the opinion of one random guy on the internet. It’s hard to ignore such comments, of course. As someone who write son the internet for a living, I understand how sometimes the things said about or to you can seem cutting. But, like I said in this post, we are all vulnerable to it. People are more bold with their opinions online. If it’s not your nose, it will be something else. What then?

You say that you’ve worked on yourself, but that’s not what I hear. I hear a woman who defines herself by what other people (read: men) think of her looks. How often do you hear men doing that? You want to undergo elective surgery in the hopes of finally being “good enough.” You’re not doing it because of a deviated septum or health concern. You’re doing it to become more aesthetically pleasing to men. Really let that marinate in your mind a bit. You want to spend thousands of dollars and endure bruising and swelling and possible complications in the hopes that it will fix everything. Remember, there are no guarantees here.

Will it improve your options? Possibly. When I lost weight, it certainly opened more doors. But did it help me get the guys I wanted, the ones who partly inspired me to lose the weight in the first place? Yes and no. I got them, but after two dates with them, I realized they were douchebags. Oh well. Lesson learned.

You will never be good enough for some people. That’s a reality of life. You will never please everybody. You’re assuming the problem is your nose, but you don’t really know if that’s the case. More concerning is how you’re basing such a major decision as altering the face you were born with on the opinion of random and probably douchey guys.

Everybody has something about their appearance that they are sure is standing between them and romantic happiness. Weight, skin, nose, hair. There are people who actually believe having curly or short hair makes a woman less attractive to a man. It’s time we stop paying attention to nonsense warnings like that. You are what you are. I truly believe that if we embrace those things and stop apologizing for them that level of confidence and happiness will help us find what we’re looking for. Of course, that also involves fixing that broken needle we use to choose relationship prospects.

You’d rather go through surgery than fix that, which really bothers me.

I think we should change what we can control and accept the things we can’t.

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Monday, June 2, 2014