And That's Why You're Single

QUICKIE: If He Said He Wanted To Stay Friends, Why Hasn’t He Called? #atwys

Posted: 06 Jun 2014 02:48 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Wondering

Comment: I recently met someone who I am really attracted to. We met at an event in my hometown. We met one evening and then spent the next day together. We really connected, have a lot in common and really had a great time together. The problem is that he lives 5 hours away. Hen mentioned when we met he had a bad long distance relationship, but said we would get to know each other and see how it goes. We spoke every day for a week and everything seemed to be going well. He called me the last night we spoke and said that he just couldn’t do a long distance relationship. He was extremely apologetic and sounded upset that he had to tell me how he felt. He said he wanted to stay friends. I told him I understood, but that I really hoped we could continue a friendship. It’s been three weeks and I haven’t heard from him again. Is it possible that he is scared to contact me again and that I should reach out to him and try to have a friendship or is it a sign that he is truly not interested I any kind of relationship and that is why he hasn’t called?
Age: 37
City: Fayetteville
State: Ga

Is he scared? No. No, he’s not scared. That’s a rationalization people like to use to help them understand why someone would say one thing and turn around and do another. He hasn’t called because he isn’t really interested in being friends.He likely only said that he wanted to stay friends to cushion the blow.

You live 5 hours away. When he was in town and with you, he was more open to suggestions. But once he got back home and returned to his life, he realized that trying to date someone 5 hours away wasn’t for him. It’s not that he’s wounded and trying to work past previous hurts. He just changed his mind, is all. People do that. We think we want something and then get some space from the issue and realize we don’t want it.

He doesn’t see the point in maintaining anything with you, as it would probably wasted energy on his part.

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Tips For Tinder Success #atwys

Posted: 06 Jun 2014 05:04 AM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Noelle
:
Comment: The more I date, the more I try to trust my instincts. If a guy is sporadic with contacting me, I assume he’s not that interested in me, seeing someone else, or is just interested in a hookup. I went on a date this past weekend with a guy I met on Tinder. He seemed very interested and kissed me at the end of the night. He texted that night and then again the following day several times. He asked when we were going to get together again and I suggested a fun date for this weekend. After a few hours, he texted that it sounded fun.

The following day, I didn’t hear from him at all. I then got a text the day after that wondering if we were going to get together on Friday as I had suggested, because he wanted to plan his weekend. I texted back that Friday worked for me and haven’t heard from him in a day. Am I being paranoid, or are my instincts probably right? I assume that if someone is interested is something more than a hookup, they would be consistent about responding and contacting me. That’s been my experience many times in the past. I don’t want to waste my time with flaky guys. He’s 8 years older than me, so I’m not sure if that makes a difference with the texting.
Age: 32
City: New York City
State: New York

I have a similar issue with guys from Tinder, which makes me think that this sort of response time is somewhat normal. If he’s following up and trying to firm up plans, then I think you need to extend the benefit of the doubt to him. People get busy. Just because they’re not up our butts with texts and attention doesn’t mean they’re up to no good.

This guy isn’t being sporadic. He’s just not texting you every day. There’s a difference. There’s no rule that says you can’t send him a text, too. In fact, I’d suggest doing something like that. If you do want to be in touch more regularly then send him a text and ask him how his day is going.

As a general tip, I would suggest getting off Tinder and moving to regular email fairly quickly. Not everybody keeps that alert notification on. Not only that but the use of the app limits conversation. There’s only so much you can say when you’re typing on your phone.

Personally, I get the feeling that Tinder is starting to lose its luster for a lot of people. That charge you get every time you get a match eventually dulls. And the flakiness of people on Tinder compared to that of a regular dating site is unparallelled.

Admittedly, I don’t email most of the people I match with. If I liked them first, and then get a match alert later, then I’ll contact them. But if they liked me first, I wait for them to contact me. If they don’t, I don’t bother. After a few months your profile stops serving up matches completely and you’re forced to delete your profile and reactivate it. Most annoying is the amount of old photos people post. If someone’s photo is blurry, it’s because it’s old. The picture of someone in the front seat of their car has replaced the bathroom selfie. Stop with that, too.That primary photo HAS to be one of you and only you and it must be clear and recent. Your primary photo should not involve or include the following:

A selfie shot of you in the bathroom or car
A picture of you with a child
A picture of you wearing a hat or sunglasses or puffy jacket or anything that obstructs you
A meme or quote or cartoon
A picture of you with friends. Don’t make me try to figure out which one you are, because I won’t.

When you’re sitting there swiping left and swiping left and clicking that “X” you do it almost automatically after a brief time. That’s why that primary photo needs to make someone stop for a moment and look. Don’t try to be cute or artistic or mysterious.

When you first create a profile, take the time to write the bio. Things people should include in their bio/profile in order to avoid awkward conversations.

Your height
A full body shot
Your preferred location settings i.e. “5 mile radius of Manhattan”
At least 3 photos – Face, body shot, social shot
Your career/job
Whether or not you have kids or are divorced/separated
What city/borough/state you live in specifically. If you travel to another state and want to use Tinder, make sure to update your profile to say where you live and that you’re in that state for a brief amount of time. If you live in a suburb but work in a major city, be upfront that you live in that suburb or borough.
If you prefer to meet locals only, then tack that on to the end of your profile. Don’t be snarky about it. “Locals only” or “Tourists please swipe left” will suffice.

It’s tempting to select a location setting of 2 or 3 miles, but remember something. A lot of people who show up won’t actually live that close to you. I believe Tinder uses GPS tracking, not the zip code you list on your Facebook page. I’m curious as to whether or not you have to activate your GPS locator on your phone in order to come up in searches. I assume you would need to do that so the app can find you. I am not sure that’s the case, though.

If you match with someone, email them soon after you get that alert. If you thought online dating moved fast, then you’ll be blown away by the brief window of availability you have with Tinder. Take the shopping cart mentality of online dating and double it. People want to see how many matches they’ll get, so they just continue to swipe right even if there’s just the tiniest bit of interest.

With online dating, you can trade 3 or 4 messages each and then set up a date. With Tinder it seems people need twice that amount. I still think Tinder is a great way to meet people, but it involves a lot more patience and time.