And That's Why You're Single

Never Assume They’re Not Dating Other People #atwys

Posted: 03 Jun 2014 02:45 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Jessica
Comment: I’ve been seeing a guy I met online for 6 months. We see each other with extreme regularity (once a week) and he is always a complete gentleman. We’ve taken to spending pretty much our whole weekends together, every weekend. He showers me with pleasantries and compliments, I’ve met his brother, and we’ve gone on mini-vacation together. All signs point to boyfriend material. However, we’ve never talked about our status. Not once. At this point, to bring it up seems almost moot – I am treated wonderfully and he’s always been there when I needed him. However, I made the horrible, irreversible mistake of reading his text messages. And now I can’t stop. And now I know he is doing on dates with other girls from dating websites, and it makes me sick. Has everything been a lie? Is he doing it because I’ve never told him he couldn’t? This all makes me feel like a placeholder. I can’t bring up specifics since I was the one snooping around. But how do I open up the conversation?
Age: 28
City: Boston
State: MA

This is why you don’t snoop. Now you’re stuck with information that you can’t reveal or else you’ll lose the upper hand in the argument.

Has what been a lie? You’ve never talked about exclusivity, remember? As I have said several times before, there are a lot of people out there who will absolutely take advantage of the fact that exclusivity has not been discussed and agreed upon. In his mind, he’s not doing anything wrong. He’s exercising his options, something a lot of people in his position would do. My guess is that, if he wanted to lock things down, he would have. That doesn’t mean he won’t, of course. But right now he’s getting to have his cake and eat it, too. That’s hard for many people to give up. If you haven’t brought it up, then he’s thinking that either you don’t want to be exclusive (unlikely) or that he has the perfect set-up and doesn’t want to lose it.

How do you open up the conversation? You tell him that you want things to be exclusive. He’ll either agree or he’ll balk and make up an excuse. No, you shouldn’t tell him what you did. I don’t understand the people who confront whomever they’re dating or emailing with and tell them about the snooping and recon work they did. Especially in cases where the two people haven’t even met. Regardless of the scenario, telling someone you researched them or snooped makes you look crazy and you lose all of your leverage. If you do try to work things out, that person will always have something damning to use against you. That’s why you don’t say anything about what you learned or how you got that information.

The problem here is that you’ve seen those texts, which means you’ll never really trust him.

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Tuesday, June 3, 2014