Friday, June 13, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Dating Mistake 101: Reading Too Much Into What They Do/Say #atwys

Posted: 13 Jun 2014 05:23 AM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Lucy

Comment: I recently met someone who works at my local tourist centre. He was a genuine and interesting person, we talked for about 10 minutes, and I couldn’t get my mind off of him. So after a few days I bit the bullet and messaged him on facebook.

We sent messages back and forth every couple of days for about a week then he asked me out for a drink and we met up in person. We talked for 2 to 3 hours. I wasn’t getting a vibe of him being interested so I didn’t push it. He also explained to me that he’d recently broken up with his girlfriend of several years, but quickly changed the topic (that puzzled me at the time because I didn’t talk about my own relationship past at all). We had an awkward goodbye. He said “I’m sure we’ll do this again sometime” and I took that was a subtle rejection. I honestly didn’t think we’d keep talking.

But we still talk on facebook 3 months later, although we haven’t met up since – this time messaging every four to five days. I tried to kill the conversation a couple of times by writing shorter responses to see if the conversation would naturally fizzle out. But he continued to reply and ask me questions. I never reply to him straight away – I take as long as he takes e.g. he takes four days to write, I take four days to write back.

I’ve moved on from this guy as I have been going on dates with a couple of people from online dating and keeping my options open(have to admit that I’m still secretly intrigued by him though).

I think I’ve accepted this ship is never going to sail, but I’m a bit confused about why he’s still talking to me if he’s not interested in seeing me in person? What are your thoughts?
Age: 24
City: Edinburgh
State: Scotland

He also explained to me that he’d recently broken up with his girlfriend of several years, but quickly changed the topic (that puzzled me at the time because I didn’t talk about my own relationship past at all).

This wasn’t a random comment. He mentioned his recent break-up to let you know he wasn’t looking for or interested in pursuing anything serious. He was letting you know that you shouldn’t read too much into the interaction. So much for that. It’s possible that that drinks date wasn’t even a date. Not to him, at least.

I’m a bit confused about why he’s still talking to me if he’s not interested in seeing me in person? What are your thoughts?

I’m going to take a leap here and assume you’re the one initiating these conversations. I say that because you were similarly proactive when, after talking to this guy for ten minutes, you contacted him via Facebook. Ten minutes isn’t very long to exchange Facebook details. Either that was the fastest Facebook Friending in history, or you went to Facebook to find him. If he gave you his number or email, I would think you would have contacted him that way. For the record, and I’m speaking generally here and not directly to the OP, trolling through Facebook to find someone you just met isn’t wise. If someone wants to stay in touch with you, they’ll give you their contact information. If they do do that, keep all communication restricted to that form of contact until otherwise stated. Meaning, if someone gives you their email, send them an email. Don’t take the email and plop it into Facebook search engine to find their profile and shoot them a message that way. I mean, you can look them up on Facebook. Just don’t let them know you did that. It makes you look way too invested. Same goes for when you exchange phone numbers. Unless someone tells you to call them, assume that they gave you their number so that you and they could exchange texts. Don’t just call someone.

Why does he still talk to you? To be polite. To be friendly. Because you persist in emailing him. There are a plethora of reasons why he responds that have nothing to do with crushing on you. You’re trying to piece together clues that reveal he’s just too scared to date, or not ready to date, or whatever. Nope. He’s not interested in dating you. He’s just being kind by responding to you.

Someone who takes 4 days to reply to an email isn’t somebody I would expend much effort on, anyway. That’s another way people behave when they don’t want to come out and say they aren’t terribly interested in staying in touch. Take the hint and move on from this guy.

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Thursday, June 12, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

If He Doesn’t Want A Relationship, Why Does He Act Like He Does? #atwys

Posted: 12 Jun 2014 02:46 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Ashlea
Comment: Hi,

So I also tried the online dating thing. With one guy, I knew he wasn’t sure if he was ready for a relationship as he had not long been out of a seven year relationship. We had a fair few dates in only a couple of weeks. The sex was great, he seemed really into me (always messaging, showing interest in everything I said), we spent ages just cuddling and talking. He asked me to go away with him, and was going to introduce me to some of his family. He genuinely seemed nice – told me even how he was bullied at school and hasn’t actually many friends. I bought it up with him one day, and he said he was feeling mentally drained, and not ready for a relationship, but still wanted to hang out. I am just really unsure about why this happened. I am usually good at reading men.

Thanks for any help
Age: 25
City: London
State: United Kingdom

Nothing really “happened” here. He was upfront from the start about what he could offer.

He wants a relationship. He just doesn’t appear to want a serious relationship. It sounds like you’re taking all of the gestures – the messages and trips and whatnot – and adding them up to me boyfriend/girlfriend. That’s the disconnect. To him, all of those things are stuff you do with someone you’re dating, casually or otherwise. Just because he wants to go away for a weekend isn’t indicative of anything more than he likes spending time with you.

What you have is a casual relationship. That doesn’t mean it won’t go anywhere. It’s just not headed in that direction as quickly as you would like, if at all.He wants all the trimmings that a relationship provides, like sex and companionship. He just isn’t interested in any of the heavy stuff, like obligation or commitment.

This is not an unusual or uncommon set-up. This is how many, many people date now. From the outside, it looks like a serious relationship. It just lacks the expressing worded small print.

I say enjoy it while it lasts and keep your options open.

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Wednesday, June 11, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

In Order To Get a Good Man, You Have To Know Who You Are Without One #atwys

Posted: 11 Jun 2014 04:08 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Jennifer
:
Comment: I am recently divorced. I tried to work on things with my ex. Somehow, GRADUALLY I fell in love a coworker. It overlapped but I would NEVER leave a MARRIAGE because of someone else. There were other problems-as there usually are. I dont know if I’m really ready for anything and I’ve heard that he was in a relationship where his ex had children. I have also heard that he had a friend die by suicide. I dont know what signals I give, and maybe that should be my primary concern, but i read into everything that he does. And honestly, it really seems like he likes me. The way he looks at me, sometimes he stands very close when we flirt and the way he shows he cares about me. I could be blinded-but I really think I can feel it. I am looking to transfer jobs partly because he has said that he would never date a coworker(but mainly because I dont like my job). I’m hoping something will happen when I switch positions. But, he is kind of shy too-what do I do if nothing does happen? I dont know if I can wait much longer-it’s been over a year. I want him to make the first move. But, I also believe that he really is the one. We dont text outside of work and he has never invited me anywhere. I wonder if I’m being blinded. But, for the first time I like someone because he makes me feel better about who I am and also I dont feel attached to him. I’ve been through alot, so if the feeling is not mutual, I know I’ll survive. Do you think I need to practice patience? Or-be more assertive and ask? Sometimes, it hurts being around him. There is only so much someone can take of that feeling.
half of me says you need to fight to keep the one you love and the other half says well-if he cant step up to the plate-dont embarrass yourself, just let it go you’re dreaming.
any advice on how to deal with this would be helpful.
maybe he’s just not that into me? If he doesnt even want to hang out outside of work?-well at least hasnt asked and the two times I asked he declined.
help
Age: 25
City: Buffalo
State: NY

But, I also believe that he really is the one.

Okay. Let’s start here. Clear your mind of any notion of something like “The One.” “The One” is a myth, and a limiting one at that. You could have many “ones” in your lifetime. I’m sure you thought your ex-husband was “The One” as well, yes? Well, that turned out to be a big ol’ bust, didn’t? You aren’t even in a position to get into a relationship at this juncture, yet you’re already plotting to find another job and are marrying yourself off to this guy. Maybe the real issue here is that you can’t be alone.

But, for the first time I like someone because he makes me feel better about who I am

This is a very bad sign. I’ll be trite for a moment. If you don’t feel good about yourself independent of him, then you’ll never feel truly good about yourself. Getting confidence and self-worth from a partner is very unhealthy. You never want to become reliant on another person to make you feel complete, whole, or fulfilled. A relationship – well, a good one – should enhance your life, not fill a void. You ever see someone transform into this confident, secure person once they get into a relationship? Yeah, I think they’re adorable, too. Don’t let the new-found self-worth fool you, because it’s all tied to that relationship. So, if that relationship goes bye-bye, so does their self-confidence.

People often use the “but they’re shy!” excuse when contemplating asking someone out that they’ve been flirting with forever. That’s a convenient way to justify plowing ahead and taking the initiative instead of facing the possible reality that the other person isn’t interested and maybe isn’t flirting, but just having some fun or being nice. Yes, a lot of guys are shy and hesitant. Most of ‘em get past it. You can lead ‘em in a certain direction by giving the greenlight, but if they don’t bite, it’s unlikely that they’re just clueless humps. Most of them recognize the signs and signals of interest. If they don’t act on them, there’s a reason. And just like when a guy asks a woman out and she says no and that should be respected, the same goes for when the gender roles are reversed. He rejected you twice and made no effort to make other plans with you. Leave it at that.

I don’t know if he’s digging on you or not. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I rarely take what letter writers say about their perception of events at face value because they can’t be objective. Few people can when their emotions ar einvolved. My job is to see past that stuff.

We can isolate out one very important fact, though. You’ve asked him to hang out with you outside of work twice and he has declined. Okay. That’s something we can work with. If he didn’t use those invitations to set up another opportunity to hang out, that tells me he’s either not interested or feels uncomfortable dating someone newly divorced or a co-worker. Those are two valid reasons to keep your distance, and they should be respected.

Go live your life and work on getting your career and life in order before you start planning your next wedding. Focus on developing an identity independent of a man. That’s the stuff that needs to be solid before you bet into another relationship.

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Tuesday, June 10, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

The Downside of Dating a Single Parent #atwys

Posted: 10 Jun 2014 02:44 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): lucy

Comment: I dated a guy I met online for a little over two months. We hit it off immediately and from the start said we felt like we had known each other for a long time. We had a lot in common, but also some differences. One of the biggest was that although he was a talker like me (about work/interests/sports/life), he had a hard time talking about his feelings. He always said he internalized stuff and I would get lots of text messages about how he felt about me when I left his place or when we weren’t together. He also liked to see me a lot(several times a week and on weekends when he didn’t have his daughter). I hadn’t ever seen someone so much at the beginning of a relationship, but when I hesitated or said I was busy he seemed to always make a comment about us being able to spend enough time together. He had been in an 11 year marriage and then an 8 year relationship (she broke off the engagement)and I have never been married and my longest relationships were 6 years max, so I tried to follow his lead and be open to what he seemed to need. We had great chemistry and had one serious talk about our feelings before we slept together (5 weeks into the relationship). We started spending more time hanging out at each other’s places (dinner/tv/sex) and stopped even going out to the movies. We did like to take walks and exercise together. When we were out, he never wanted to hold my hand and when I asked him about it he said it was him and not me and that he never held anyone’s hand in public ever. He was very uncomfortable with any type of pda. I am very affectionate/use affectionate terms with everyone/xo in texts to friends and family etc. and he knew this. I sort of found his inability to publicly show affection a little strange, but figured I would give him the benefit of the doubt. Things seemed fine and after a weekend with his daughter he told me how much he missed me and needed to be near me. He also asked me about my feelings on marriage and when I said it was something I still wanted he replied that he was so happy we were both on the same page. He initiated seeing me three nights in a row. One night I cooked and one night he cooked. Both nights were great and it seemed like things were going really well and in the right direction. He even commented on how great it would be if we spent more nights together maybe one of us finishing up work on the computer while the other watched tv and then we’d cuddle together and spend the night(other than an weekend sleep over). The third night, he seemed to suddenly be a little distant. We were at his place and watching tv, but he wasn’t try to attack me during every commercial like usual. I made a comment about no kisses even during the commercials and he suddenly got very distant. He said the comment made him uncomfortable, but wouldn’t talk about it any further than that. It was very weird and even when I said that the comment was my coy way of telling him I wanted him to take me into the bedroom he still seemed to be pouting. We cuddled a bit, but he was still pouting a bit and then I had to leave. We kissed goodbye and I went home questioning things. I didn’t like how we left things, but mostly didn’t like his inability to have a discussion about what happened or how he was feeling. Then the next day he texted, but very simple, non-affectionate texts. He then told me he couldn’t see me because his daughter wanted to stay over again. I didn’t push and figured I’d be nice and positive and not push. We had plans to spend the next night together and he didn’t cancel. When I got to his place, he said he was really sick, but didn’t want me to go. I tried to take care of him and he cuddled with me but we didn’t have sex. I left for a family event the next day and he texted throughout, but never called. I ended up getting his voicemail the next day and he texted but we didn’t talk. The following morning he texted me that he was sorry but didn’t think we were on the same page. He said he internalized everything and got cold feet. He said that he felt uncomfortable the night we weren’t affectionate towards each other and basically broke it off in the text. I know we weren’t together that long and if he had serious problems sharing his emotions and showing affection in public I’m probably better off. I just feel like I missed a chapter somewhere. I am somewhat of a thinker, so wondering if you had any insight to how someone can seem to be totally into you one day and then in an instant just break things off? I am new to this type of behavior and I keep trying to figure out what the heck happened. I know I won’t get the answers from him, so I found this site and thought I’d ask you.
Age: 42
City: Robbinsville
State: NJ

I’m not sure I can pin point exactly where things took a turn. My only guess is that he felt like you needed constant validation that he was into you, and that he found that rather exhausting.

I think that you’re writing this in a way that implies he’s initiating all of the attention and interest, but I’m not sure that’s the case. It’s very likely that’s how you see things. But why would he call you when he knows you’re at a family event? Why would you want him to?

The difference in how you two communicate your feelings isn’t something to be swept under the rug. That’s a significant difference that, as you learned, ultimately can create issues in a relationship. You’re a talker. You like to analyze things and check in. He’s…not. That’s not his bag. He probably prefers to be with someone who doesn’t need to persistently take his temperature. He has someone in his life that pulls on him in such a way: his daughter. He doesn’t want that kind of dynamic in a romantic relationship. Single parents prefer dating to be as low maintenance as possible.

This was likely something that he was always hesitant about, and he tried to work through it, but ultimately decided that it might be a problem down the road. I would also add that people who don’t have kids really need to get a better understanding of how things work for single parents. There’s a reason why so many single mothers and fathers prefer to only date other single parents, and it’s because only a single parent will understand their schedules and time constraints and just how much or how little emotional bandwidth they have to give. The children are their priority, always. As it should be.

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Monday, June 9, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Is He Really Attracted To You Or Just Pretending To Be To Have Sex? #atwys

Posted: 09 Jun 2014 03:57 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Aly

Comment: You’ve said in the past that men sometimes will have sex with women they are not attracted to. How do you know if they’re attracted to you or just pretending to be to have sex? I know people will ask, I guess you could say I’m curvy (5’6″ 16oish.) I have recent full body pictures on my profile and don’t have much trouble getting dates and have never had a guy tell me I didn’t look like my pictures or cut a date short.

I met a guy on okcupid two weeks ago and we went out this past Saturday for the first time. We came back to my place and we had sex. The second time we did it that night I never got a chance to take off the long t-shirt I had put on. He never asked me to take it off. While we were having doggie style sex the second time, my t-shirt rode up up and I felt him stop what he was doing and pull it back down to cover my butt. While we were fooling around earlier that same night he kept telling me I was sexy and how much he loved my breasts and said I was hot. Do men sometimes say things like that just to get the woman in the mood?
Age: 34
City: New York
State: NY

The short answer is that you won’t know until after they have sex with you. If they suddenly fade, then chances are they weren’t all that attracted to you. But even that isn’t an accurate barometer. A person with few options will take what they can get at the time, and a smart person with few options will know how to play the game. So my answer is, you just don’t know until much later, and sometimes you never know. What we do know is what type of person we typically pull. If this guy was outside of that, then that’s another possible sign he wasn’t as attracted to you as you were to him. Harsh? Yeah. But that’s reality. I’d place a large bet that a large portion of fades and ghostings that women experience occur because the guy wasn’t all that attracted to her and just went through the motions to get laid or the sex wasn’t that great. Pick any dating blog and read about all the dramz that occurs after first/second date sex and I will almost guarantee you that the reason the guy didn’t stick around was because he was never going to in the first place and that he was hot and charming and charismatic and all that alpha male goodness. Sometimes if a person (man or woman) is in between options, they temporarily punch below their weight class. It happens.

Nobody is going to come out and tell you that you don’t look like your photos unless you ask, and even then you probably won’t get the truth. Those people who do answer that question honestly have horrible social skills and manners.

It sounds like maybe you’re a little insecure about your body and that you’re reading stuff into his actions that might not be there. Sometimes sex just heats up and you don’t take all your clothes off. I’ve had a guy tell me that he likes having sex with women partially clothed because there’s something dirty about it. So maybe that’s this guy’s thing. Maybe he likes that. Who knows? I want to say that I don’t think someone would tell a person they were hot, sexy, etc unless they really meant it. I could be being naive though. People can and do say things to get what they want and to grease the wheels. It’s just that there’s something about telling a person, a woman especially, that they’re sexy and hot when you don’t mean it that seems incredibly cruel.

Thoughts?

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Sunday, June 8, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

If They Wanted To Date You, They’d Be Dating You #atwys

Posted: 08 Jun 2014 03:03 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): samantha fwb2
:
Comment: Stuck in an awkward mixed signal battle and I honestly just don’t know what to do!

I was dating (occasional sex) with a guy after a bad break up. He made it pretty clear that we couldn’t be anything more than sex buddies as he kept me a secret from everyone…I eventually moved on to a new guy, Jacob (met at a party). Now, Jacob and I hit it off big time; I mean crazy, perfect chemistry. I soon realized that Jake and my previous hook up were friends (good friends). To start off with an honest relationship, I told Jacob about me and his friend having been sex buddies. He expressed to me that it was a personal rule, not just guy code, that he never date a friend’s anything.

Anyway, needless to say, Jacob and I decided to be “friends”. He drove 2 hours to visit me in my home town. We’ve had “hangouts” that were more like dates, but whatever. We recently had sex, more than once, and the mixed signals still continue. He told me that he wanted us to be really good friends because he really liked me, thought I was perfect, but did not see himself getting past my fling with his friend. After sex though, I thought things would be different, but he still seems to be pushing me away. I just returned from spending the weekend with him and I’m even more hurt and confused than ever as last night he teased me, but then stopped from having sex.

What is going on?!? please help me. I want to express my feelings, but I’m deathly afraid of his reaction because I really do like him. What do I do?
Age: 24
City: baltimore
State: Maryland

Here’s what I’m going to ask you to ask yourself:

If, in fact, Jacob had some sort of guy code that he would never get involved in any capacity with a friend’s ex of some kind, then why is he doing the very thing he says he doesn’t do? If he truly believed in never dabbling with a woman who had been involved with a friend, he wouldn’t do it. He’s contradicting himself here, and it’s important that you learn how to spot things like this. The red flags are often in the inconsistencies.

Here’s another question I’ll ask:

If the first guy was keeping you a secret, then why say anything to Jacob at all? There was no need to tell him, as the first guy obviously wasn’t going to tell him if up to that point you had been kept some well guarded secret. For future reference, next time don’t say anything. And stop hooking up with guys who keep you a secret. No good can come from that. What we have here is the beginnings of a patter. 2 men sleep with you but both have these mysterious reasons why it will never be more than casual.

Jacob invoked Guy Code in order to set the boundary, I think. The Guy Code is just his excuse. Or he just badly wants to believe he’s more honorable than he actually is. Also specious is the, “No, really, I want to be friends because I really think you’re cool” thing. It’s not like you were the other guy’s girlfriend, so I’m not sure what the big deal is if Jacob dates you. I think both Guy Code and Girl Code are myths. I believe they were developed to prevent our friends from being happy when we’re miserable or to help us out of awkward dating situations, like when the ex of one of your friends hits on you and you’re not attracted to them. People like to cite these “codes” to make themselves feel superior to their peers.

Is he pushing you away, or is he just ignoring you and trying to detach? People like to use phrases like, “they’re pushing me away” because they prefer to see it that way than to acknowledge that someone has just decided to move on or keep things casual. As I’ve said before, the reason people give for breaking up with us or not having anything beyond casual with us is rarely the true reason. Want to know what the deal is? Then call him on contradicting himself and see what happens.

My personal belief is that, if somebody wants to date you, they’ll date you. They won’t make up silly or frivolous reasons why they can’t. When they do, it’s because the true reason they won’t date you is probably something you don’t want to hear.

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*Assistance with editing and re-writes.
*Photo selection and review.
*Feedback about specific issues and experiences.
*Site selections and Pros & Cons of the more popular dating sites.
*Learn how to write better intro messages that will get responses
*Get tips to draw more attention to your profile
*Learn how to sort your searches so you can see profiles you might be missing.

$75 (Use code BLOG to save $10)