And That's Why You're Single

In Order To Get a Good Man, You Have To Know Who You Are Without One #atwys

Posted: 11 Jun 2014 04:08 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Jennifer
:
Comment: I am recently divorced. I tried to work on things with my ex. Somehow, GRADUALLY I fell in love a coworker. It overlapped but I would NEVER leave a MARRIAGE because of someone else. There were other problems-as there usually are. I dont know if I’m really ready for anything and I’ve heard that he was in a relationship where his ex had children. I have also heard that he had a friend die by suicide. I dont know what signals I give, and maybe that should be my primary concern, but i read into everything that he does. And honestly, it really seems like he likes me. The way he looks at me, sometimes he stands very close when we flirt and the way he shows he cares about me. I could be blinded-but I really think I can feel it. I am looking to transfer jobs partly because he has said that he would never date a coworker(but mainly because I dont like my job). I’m hoping something will happen when I switch positions. But, he is kind of shy too-what do I do if nothing does happen? I dont know if I can wait much longer-it’s been over a year. I want him to make the first move. But, I also believe that he really is the one. We dont text outside of work and he has never invited me anywhere. I wonder if I’m being blinded. But, for the first time I like someone because he makes me feel better about who I am and also I dont feel attached to him. I’ve been through alot, so if the feeling is not mutual, I know I’ll survive. Do you think I need to practice patience? Or-be more assertive and ask? Sometimes, it hurts being around him. There is only so much someone can take of that feeling.
half of me says you need to fight to keep the one you love and the other half says well-if he cant step up to the plate-dont embarrass yourself, just let it go you’re dreaming.
any advice on how to deal with this would be helpful.
maybe he’s just not that into me? If he doesnt even want to hang out outside of work?-well at least hasnt asked and the two times I asked he declined.
help
Age: 25
City: Buffalo
State: NY

But, I also believe that he really is the one.

Okay. Let’s start here. Clear your mind of any notion of something like “The One.” “The One” is a myth, and a limiting one at that. You could have many “ones” in your lifetime. I’m sure you thought your ex-husband was “The One” as well, yes? Well, that turned out to be a big ol’ bust, didn’t? You aren’t even in a position to get into a relationship at this juncture, yet you’re already plotting to find another job and are marrying yourself off to this guy. Maybe the real issue here is that you can’t be alone.

But, for the first time I like someone because he makes me feel better about who I am

This is a very bad sign. I’ll be trite for a moment. If you don’t feel good about yourself independent of him, then you’ll never feel truly good about yourself. Getting confidence and self-worth from a partner is very unhealthy. You never want to become reliant on another person to make you feel complete, whole, or fulfilled. A relationship – well, a good one – should enhance your life, not fill a void. You ever see someone transform into this confident, secure person once they get into a relationship? Yeah, I think they’re adorable, too. Don’t let the new-found self-worth fool you, because it’s all tied to that relationship. So, if that relationship goes bye-bye, so does their self-confidence.

People often use the “but they’re shy!” excuse when contemplating asking someone out that they’ve been flirting with forever. That’s a convenient way to justify plowing ahead and taking the initiative instead of facing the possible reality that the other person isn’t interested and maybe isn’t flirting, but just having some fun or being nice. Yes, a lot of guys are shy and hesitant. Most of ‘em get past it. You can lead ‘em in a certain direction by giving the greenlight, but if they don’t bite, it’s unlikely that they’re just clueless humps. Most of them recognize the signs and signals of interest. If they don’t act on them, there’s a reason. And just like when a guy asks a woman out and she says no and that should be respected, the same goes for when the gender roles are reversed. He rejected you twice and made no effort to make other plans with you. Leave it at that.

I don’t know if he’s digging on you or not. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I rarely take what letter writers say about their perception of events at face value because they can’t be objective. Few people can when their emotions ar einvolved. My job is to see past that stuff.

We can isolate out one very important fact, though. You’ve asked him to hang out with you outside of work twice and he has declined. Okay. That’s something we can work with. If he didn’t use those invitations to set up another opportunity to hang out, that tells me he’s either not interested or feels uncomfortable dating someone newly divorced or a co-worker. Those are two valid reasons to keep your distance, and they should be respected.

Go live your life and work on getting your career and life in order before you start planning your next wedding. Focus on developing an identity independent of a man. That’s the stuff that needs to be solid before you bet into another relationship.

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Wednesday, June 11, 2014