And That's Why You're Single

If They Wanted To Date You, They’d Be Dating You #atwys

Posted: 08 Jun 2014 03:03 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): samantha fwb2
:
Comment: Stuck in an awkward mixed signal battle and I honestly just don’t know what to do!

I was dating (occasional sex) with a guy after a bad break up. He made it pretty clear that we couldn’t be anything more than sex buddies as he kept me a secret from everyone…I eventually moved on to a new guy, Jacob (met at a party). Now, Jacob and I hit it off big time; I mean crazy, perfect chemistry. I soon realized that Jake and my previous hook up were friends (good friends). To start off with an honest relationship, I told Jacob about me and his friend having been sex buddies. He expressed to me that it was a personal rule, not just guy code, that he never date a friend’s anything.

Anyway, needless to say, Jacob and I decided to be “friends”. He drove 2 hours to visit me in my home town. We’ve had “hangouts” that were more like dates, but whatever. We recently had sex, more than once, and the mixed signals still continue. He told me that he wanted us to be really good friends because he really liked me, thought I was perfect, but did not see himself getting past my fling with his friend. After sex though, I thought things would be different, but he still seems to be pushing me away. I just returned from spending the weekend with him and I’m even more hurt and confused than ever as last night he teased me, but then stopped from having sex.

What is going on?!? please help me. I want to express my feelings, but I’m deathly afraid of his reaction because I really do like him. What do I do?
Age: 24
City: baltimore
State: Maryland

Here’s what I’m going to ask you to ask yourself:

If, in fact, Jacob had some sort of guy code that he would never get involved in any capacity with a friend’s ex of some kind, then why is he doing the very thing he says he doesn’t do? If he truly believed in never dabbling with a woman who had been involved with a friend, he wouldn’t do it. He’s contradicting himself here, and it’s important that you learn how to spot things like this. The red flags are often in the inconsistencies.

Here’s another question I’ll ask:

If the first guy was keeping you a secret, then why say anything to Jacob at all? There was no need to tell him, as the first guy obviously wasn’t going to tell him if up to that point you had been kept some well guarded secret. For future reference, next time don’t say anything. And stop hooking up with guys who keep you a secret. No good can come from that. What we have here is the beginnings of a patter. 2 men sleep with you but both have these mysterious reasons why it will never be more than casual.

Jacob invoked Guy Code in order to set the boundary, I think. The Guy Code is just his excuse. Or he just badly wants to believe he’s more honorable than he actually is. Also specious is the, “No, really, I want to be friends because I really think you’re cool” thing. It’s not like you were the other guy’s girlfriend, so I’m not sure what the big deal is if Jacob dates you. I think both Guy Code and Girl Code are myths. I believe they were developed to prevent our friends from being happy when we’re miserable or to help us out of awkward dating situations, like when the ex of one of your friends hits on you and you’re not attracted to them. People like to cite these “codes” to make themselves feel superior to their peers.

Is he pushing you away, or is he just ignoring you and trying to detach? People like to use phrases like, “they’re pushing me away” because they prefer to see it that way than to acknowledge that someone has just decided to move on or keep things casual. As I’ve said before, the reason people give for breaking up with us or not having anything beyond casual with us is rarely the true reason. Want to know what the deal is? Then call him on contradicting himself and see what happens.

My personal belief is that, if somebody wants to date you, they’ll date you. They won’t make up silly or frivolous reasons why they can’t. When they do, it’s because the true reason they won’t date you is probably something you don’t want to hear.

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Sunday, June 8, 2014