And That's Why You're Single

The Downside of Dating a Single Parent #atwys

Posted: 10 Jun 2014 02:44 PM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): lucy

Comment: I dated a guy I met online for a little over two months. We hit it off immediately and from the start said we felt like we had known each other for a long time. We had a lot in common, but also some differences. One of the biggest was that although he was a talker like me (about work/interests/sports/life), he had a hard time talking about his feelings. He always said he internalized stuff and I would get lots of text messages about how he felt about me when I left his place or when we weren’t together. He also liked to see me a lot(several times a week and on weekends when he didn’t have his daughter). I hadn’t ever seen someone so much at the beginning of a relationship, but when I hesitated or said I was busy he seemed to always make a comment about us being able to spend enough time together. He had been in an 11 year marriage and then an 8 year relationship (she broke off the engagement)and I have never been married and my longest relationships were 6 years max, so I tried to follow his lead and be open to what he seemed to need. We had great chemistry and had one serious talk about our feelings before we slept together (5 weeks into the relationship). We started spending more time hanging out at each other’s places (dinner/tv/sex) and stopped even going out to the movies. We did like to take walks and exercise together. When we were out, he never wanted to hold my hand and when I asked him about it he said it was him and not me and that he never held anyone’s hand in public ever. He was very uncomfortable with any type of pda. I am very affectionate/use affectionate terms with everyone/xo in texts to friends and family etc. and he knew this. I sort of found his inability to publicly show affection a little strange, but figured I would give him the benefit of the doubt. Things seemed fine and after a weekend with his daughter he told me how much he missed me and needed to be near me. He also asked me about my feelings on marriage and when I said it was something I still wanted he replied that he was so happy we were both on the same page. He initiated seeing me three nights in a row. One night I cooked and one night he cooked. Both nights were great and it seemed like things were going really well and in the right direction. He even commented on how great it would be if we spent more nights together maybe one of us finishing up work on the computer while the other watched tv and then we’d cuddle together and spend the night(other than an weekend sleep over). The third night, he seemed to suddenly be a little distant. We were at his place and watching tv, but he wasn’t try to attack me during every commercial like usual. I made a comment about no kisses even during the commercials and he suddenly got very distant. He said the comment made him uncomfortable, but wouldn’t talk about it any further than that. It was very weird and even when I said that the comment was my coy way of telling him I wanted him to take me into the bedroom he still seemed to be pouting. We cuddled a bit, but he was still pouting a bit and then I had to leave. We kissed goodbye and I went home questioning things. I didn’t like how we left things, but mostly didn’t like his inability to have a discussion about what happened or how he was feeling. Then the next day he texted, but very simple, non-affectionate texts. He then told me he couldn’t see me because his daughter wanted to stay over again. I didn’t push and figured I’d be nice and positive and not push. We had plans to spend the next night together and he didn’t cancel. When I got to his place, he said he was really sick, but didn’t want me to go. I tried to take care of him and he cuddled with me but we didn’t have sex. I left for a family event the next day and he texted throughout, but never called. I ended up getting his voicemail the next day and he texted but we didn’t talk. The following morning he texted me that he was sorry but didn’t think we were on the same page. He said he internalized everything and got cold feet. He said that he felt uncomfortable the night we weren’t affectionate towards each other and basically broke it off in the text. I know we weren’t together that long and if he had serious problems sharing his emotions and showing affection in public I’m probably better off. I just feel like I missed a chapter somewhere. I am somewhat of a thinker, so wondering if you had any insight to how someone can seem to be totally into you one day and then in an instant just break things off? I am new to this type of behavior and I keep trying to figure out what the heck happened. I know I won’t get the answers from him, so I found this site and thought I’d ask you.
Age: 42
City: Robbinsville
State: NJ

I’m not sure I can pin point exactly where things took a turn. My only guess is that he felt like you needed constant validation that he was into you, and that he found that rather exhausting.

I think that you’re writing this in a way that implies he’s initiating all of the attention and interest, but I’m not sure that’s the case. It’s very likely that’s how you see things. But why would he call you when he knows you’re at a family event? Why would you want him to?

The difference in how you two communicate your feelings isn’t something to be swept under the rug. That’s a significant difference that, as you learned, ultimately can create issues in a relationship. You’re a talker. You like to analyze things and check in. He’s…not. That’s not his bag. He probably prefers to be with someone who doesn’t need to persistently take his temperature. He has someone in his life that pulls on him in such a way: his daughter. He doesn’t want that kind of dynamic in a romantic relationship. Single parents prefer dating to be as low maintenance as possible.

This was likely something that he was always hesitant about, and he tried to work through it, but ultimately decided that it might be a problem down the road. I would also add that people who don’t have kids really need to get a better understanding of how things work for single parents. There’s a reason why so many single mothers and fathers prefer to only date other single parents, and it’s because only a single parent will understand their schedules and time constraints and just how much or how little emotional bandwidth they have to give. The children are their priority, always. As it should be.

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Tuesday, June 10, 2014