And That's Why You're Single

Dating Mistake 101: Reading Too Much Into What They Do/Say #atwys

Posted: 13 Jun 2014 05:23 AM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Lucy

Comment: I recently met someone who works at my local tourist centre. He was a genuine and interesting person, we talked for about 10 minutes, and I couldn’t get my mind off of him. So after a few days I bit the bullet and messaged him on facebook.

We sent messages back and forth every couple of days for about a week then he asked me out for a drink and we met up in person. We talked for 2 to 3 hours. I wasn’t getting a vibe of him being interested so I didn’t push it. He also explained to me that he’d recently broken up with his girlfriend of several years, but quickly changed the topic (that puzzled me at the time because I didn’t talk about my own relationship past at all). We had an awkward goodbye. He said “I’m sure we’ll do this again sometime” and I took that was a subtle rejection. I honestly didn’t think we’d keep talking.

But we still talk on facebook 3 months later, although we haven’t met up since – this time messaging every four to five days. I tried to kill the conversation a couple of times by writing shorter responses to see if the conversation would naturally fizzle out. But he continued to reply and ask me questions. I never reply to him straight away – I take as long as he takes e.g. he takes four days to write, I take four days to write back.

I’ve moved on from this guy as I have been going on dates with a couple of people from online dating and keeping my options open(have to admit that I’m still secretly intrigued by him though).

I think I’ve accepted this ship is never going to sail, but I’m a bit confused about why he’s still talking to me if he’s not interested in seeing me in person? What are your thoughts?
Age: 24
City: Edinburgh
State: Scotland

He also explained to me that he’d recently broken up with his girlfriend of several years, but quickly changed the topic (that puzzled me at the time because I didn’t talk about my own relationship past at all).

This wasn’t a random comment. He mentioned his recent break-up to let you know he wasn’t looking for or interested in pursuing anything serious. He was letting you know that you shouldn’t read too much into the interaction. So much for that. It’s possible that that drinks date wasn’t even a date. Not to him, at least.

I’m a bit confused about why he’s still talking to me if he’s not interested in seeing me in person? What are your thoughts?

I’m going to take a leap here and assume you’re the one initiating these conversations. I say that because you were similarly proactive when, after talking to this guy for ten minutes, you contacted him via Facebook. Ten minutes isn’t very long to exchange Facebook details. Either that was the fastest Facebook Friending in history, or you went to Facebook to find him. If he gave you his number or email, I would think you would have contacted him that way. For the record, and I’m speaking generally here and not directly to the OP, trolling through Facebook to find someone you just met isn’t wise. If someone wants to stay in touch with you, they’ll give you their contact information. If they do do that, keep all communication restricted to that form of contact until otherwise stated. Meaning, if someone gives you their email, send them an email. Don’t take the email and plop it into Facebook search engine to find their profile and shoot them a message that way. I mean, you can look them up on Facebook. Just don’t let them know you did that. It makes you look way too invested. Same goes for when you exchange phone numbers. Unless someone tells you to call them, assume that they gave you their number so that you and they could exchange texts. Don’t just call someone.

Why does he still talk to you? To be polite. To be friendly. Because you persist in emailing him. There are a plethora of reasons why he responds that have nothing to do with crushing on you. You’re trying to piece together clues that reveal he’s just too scared to date, or not ready to date, or whatever. Nope. He’s not interested in dating you. He’s just being kind by responding to you.

Someone who takes 4 days to reply to an email isn’t somebody I would expend much effort on, anyway. That’s another way people behave when they don’t want to come out and say they aren’t terribly interested in staying in touch. Take the hint and move on from this guy.

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Friday, June 13, 2014