Attract Girls Now

Sunday, January 12, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Dating Reality 101: If You Want Something From a Man, You Have to Ask For it

Posted: 12 Jan 2014 01:55 PM PST

Name: Ella

Comment: One of my closest friends happens to be a guy who several years ago tried to date me. I wasn’t interested back then, but a strong friendship evolved. I tried to warn him from dating some girls I knew were trouble, we talked about our respective relationships, life, everything. Over the past year, we became increasingly close. And in hindsight, I can see that he may have tried to move out of the dreaded friend zone a few times. Finally one night, after a few too many drinks together, we ended up sleeping together. And we continued to do so for a few months. We would both talk about how everyone else would tell us we should date each other, but neither of us ever tried to actually make the move.

The “benefits” eventually stopped (mainly bc I realized I was falling in love and got scared) but we have stayed close. Recently, we met up and he got upset with me for leaving to meet up with another guy. Upset in a 7th grade, pouting/green-eyed monster way. My feelings for him continue to grow, but I don’t know how to tell him. I feel like the window on that has closed.

He recently began texting (sexting) me again, and we have fallen back into the fwb. So you can imagine my SHOCK, when I just found out he has been dating someone for a few months. Not once has he mentioned this girl. Not once! I feel betrayed, used, confused. I certainly didn’t see this coming and I am not sure how to handle this or what could be going through his mind.

What the heck is his problem?!?! Anyone??
Age: 33
City: Chicago
State: Illinois

I’m not sure why you’re confused about what could be going through his mind. He’s having sex with two different women. He didn’t tell you because then eh would be having sex with two different women. He’s not even obligated to tell you that he’s sleeping with two different women. You’re not dating. Not only that, but you always had the ability to ask him if he was sleeping with anyone else. I don’t understand people who get all up in arms when they find out that someone they were casually hooking up with or even dating didn’t offer full disclosure, as though it’s solely their responsibility to do so. If someone doesn’t like the idea of sleeping with someone who is sleeping with someone else, then they need to ask the questions necessary to get pertinent information. Of course someone isn’t going to just offer that information up. Why would they?

If you have feelings for this guy, then you need to speak up and say something. It’s really that simple. I don’t know why you would tell him you were meeting up with another guy unless you were trying to get a reaction out of him. In which case, you both handled the situation in an immature fashion.

Both of you are spending in inordinate amount of time creating conflict and drama instead of just sacking up and laying your respective cards on the table. Forget about all the passive ways to try and open the conversation about how you each really feel. Talking about how “everybody” thinks you should date is just a back-door way to actually discuss the possibility of dating.

Enough with the dance. Talk to him about it or walk away and let him be on his merry way. What’s going on in his mind is irrelevant. There’s no such thing as mind-reading. Nobody can do the hard work for you. If you want it and you think he’s worth it then you have to take the risk. But before you do that, make sure you are actually going to follow through on this and that you’re not just trying to play out some rom com fantasy. Are you sure you want to date him? Then put it out there. The worst he can say is no.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Just Because He’s Shy Doesn’t Mean He’s Not a Player

Posted: 09 Jan 2014 02:02 PM PST

Name: Aly
Comment: Hi, so there is this guy… We met when I younger since our parents are from the same town. 5 years ago I took his virginity and since then there was a little bit of flirting over the years. I have always had a crush on him but never knew how he felt because he is so shy and isn’t easy to read. We have the same group of friends so we always hang out together when we are both in town. During winter we all hung out and I had just recently broken up with my boyfriend. We went out drinking at a bar together with all of our friends and the next day he texted asking if I had fun, I didn’t think much of it other than that it was random because he usually never messages me. The conversation lasted a short while and then a few days later we all went out drinking again on New Years Eve. We sat together at the bar the whole entire night and went to an after party together at one of our friends place. At first I was sitting with one of our mutual friends, that friend went up to go to the bathroom and the guy that I am into came and sat next to me. He put his arm around me and we just laughed and sang to songs and had fun and cuddled a bit. Then I realized what time it was and said I had to go, he said he had to leave as well. Once we were outside we agreed to take a walk together, as he was walking me to my place I started speaking to him about things I never had the courage to say. Since I had a little too many drinks I was okay saying it though. I asked him if he wanted to come home with me, and then he asked me if I wanted him to, I made him answer first and he said yes. I said he couldn’t though because I was so drunk and I was recently single. As I was going to walk down to my place he says can I have a hug? I go in for the hug and he starts kissing me. Then the next day he texts me again asking how I am feeling, this conversation also ends quick because I didn’t want to come on too strong so I tried to play it cool. Two days later we met again at a friends house, this time we were sober and all just hanging out. I send a text asking if he wants to go somewhere. Later that night we go on a drive, he takes me up a beautiful mountain and we start kissing and one thing led to another and we were then having sex. The night ended with a kiss. Now that vacation is over we have both left. He said he was coming to visit where I live soon because he has family and friends there. I just spoke to him today asking how he was and to let him know I was going on a trip so it would be nice if he could plan his trip to where I live before that. He hasn’t replied yet. Since we have left this is the first time we have spoken. His answers are short. I can’t seem to figure out if he is interested. I know he isn’t the type of guy to sleep with a lot of girls or use girls for sex. Please help me figure this out. I just want to know if he is into me or not.
Age: 25
City: LA
State: California

I think this is a case of a vacation fling and nothing more. Maybe he really is planning a trip to your city. Maybe he’s not. He could have just said that to make the situation seem less one night standish. What you know is that his response time and reactions have changed now that you and he are far apart.

You might be romanticizing this scenario a bit because you took his virginity. You also might be assuming that, since he was shy and inexperienced 5 years ago, that means he still is now. I hate to say this to you, but it sounds like this guy has gotten up to speed when it comes to hooking up. Since you and he have a history, there would be less effort involved with having sex with you again as opposed to, say, trying to bed a woman he hasn’t already slept with. Due to the shortness of the winter break, he didn’t have the time to romance someone. With you, he didn’t have to do much to get you comfortable. It was familiar and effortless.

I don’t want to frame it as though he played you. I don’t think he was being malicious. Where he is lacking is in his communication skills. He still hasn’t mastered how to be clear about his intentions. He still resides in that place where many people live where they just say nothing and hope things won’t turn ugly.

There you are thinking he’s so reserved and awkward. Of course you’re going to think it means more than it did. To him, though, I think it was a casual vacation hook-up and little more. Yeah, he might come to town and hook-up with you again, but it’s unlikely it will mean anything beyond that.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

How Does She Get Men To Stop Wanting To Have Sex With Her?

Posted: 08 Jan 2014 02:32 PM PST

Name: Brittany
Question: My question is: how do I get men to stop objectifying me? I do not dress provocatively nor do I talk about sex. I give no indication that I’m looking for a sexual relationship yet every man I meet just seems to be blatantly after sex and fade when they don’t get it. I feel the need to tell them upfront that I’m not having sex with them for a long time but I think saying that even if I don’t necessarily mean it won’t really weed anyone out and will in fact present a challenge they turn into a game. I actually had a guy tell me he couldn’t fully connect to me until we’ve had sex. He had to go. I literally go after average looking guys who appear to be the “nice guy” who men always claim finishes last. But they all seem to think they are sex gods lol.
Age: 26
State:

I’m not sure that all of these men that you’re meeting are objectifying you. A desire to have sex with someone isn’t necessarily a bad or negative thing. A lot of men and women date with the intention of having sex. That’s a natural and acceptable reason to what to be in a relationship. Steady and consistent sex is a reasonable expectation and want when trying to find someone with whom you can settle down. You seem paranoid that every guy you meet just wants to have sex with you, which in turn is making you judge at least some of these guys unfairly.

I actually had a guy tell me he couldn’t fully connect to me until we’ve had sex.

And he would not be the first or only man to feel that way. Just because you get all eye rolley at an admission like that doesn’t mean it’s not valid. Here’s another case of a man being honest (supposedly) and women not wanting to hear their truth. Sex is a two way street. It’s not just about you. For many people – again, this isn’t specific to one gender – sex seals the emotional deal. You might think that it sounds like a lie or part of some game, but for many people this is an absolute reality.

I don’t think all of these men are peacing out because they were only after sex. I believe a lot of them are cutting their losses because they don’t want to deal with your need to make them prove themselves worthy. You’ve got it in your head that if a guy tries to get laid, he’s suspect. They’re picking up on that and moving it along.

I literally go after average looking guys who appear to be the “nice guy” who men always claim finishes last. But they all seem to think they are sex gods lol.

Well, what does that tell you? That tells me that the desire for sex is universal and not exclusive to players. I think a big part of your challenge is that you have very specific ideas and opinions about men who want sex. I don’t doubt that some of these guys are blatantly just trying to get you into bed with no intention of pursuing anything else. But I would bet many of them are just trying to move the relationship along by taking things to a sexual level. That’s a normal progression in relationships. That doesn’t mean they’re bad guys.

I’m going to say to you what I say to every woman who writes in with this dilemma. Make your interest known in other ways while you get comfortable with the direction of the relationship. If a guy is genuinely interested, he’ll acknowledge the gestures you’re making and stick around awhile, depending on his options and interest level. The typical, non-playerish guy doesn’t mind waiting as long as he feels like the woman is sincerely interested in him. It’s when he thinks that the woman is playing games or expecting the him to jump through hoops that he walks away.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Why Are These Guys So Eager To Commit?

Posted: 07 Jan 2014 06:14 AM PST

Name: Nicole
Question: Hi Moxie,
I’ve been reading some of your old columns dealing with the “insta-relationship” guy and whether it’s a red flag when a man seems over-eager to jump into a commitment. I’d love to get your advice on a situation I’ve run into a couple of times recently – guys who assume that one or two dates means you are an official couple. Is this a warning sign, or just a sign of inexperience?

Last month I went out a few times with a guy who started using the words “girlfriend” and “relationship” after our first date. I ended things with him after 3 dates, though not because of this – we didn’t have a lot in common and the physical attraction wasn’t overwhelming. (He emailed several times wanting to “talk about it” and “save our relationship”.)

Yesterday I had an amazing first date with a different man – we talked for 3 hours over brunch and shared a long good-bye kiss. We planned another date for this week. He said he was so excited to have found me – and that he was happy to finally be able to delete his OKC profile.

I’m looking for something long-term, and I don’t usually date more than one person at a time. But I don’t feel the need to tell men that on a first date. And I realize that it takes more than a few hours to decide if you want a relationship with someone. So what’s going on here?

Are these guys just saying what they think I need to hear before I’ll have sex with them? Do they just want to able to say they have a girlfriend? Or are there some men who don’t bother hiding their enthusiasm when they meet a woman they like? These guys are attractive, successful, and seemed confident on our dates. But they are both also busy professionals and divorced with kids, so it’s possible that they don’t date much and a few dates feels like a big deal to them.

I know not to take any of this too seriously. At this stage, the most a man could possibly commit to is dating me exclusively while we figure out if we’re compatible. I’m just curious as to WHY someone would announce even that level of commitment so quickly. I don’t want to get invested in a guy who’s only looking for sex or an ego boost… But I don’t want to overreact and run from every decent guy who actually wants a relationship!
Age: 34
State: TX

You’re right to question the motives of these men. There are a few reasons why these guys might be so forthcoming about their interest level and plans to delete their profile. Most of those reasons aren’t particularly good.

It’s also possible that you’re misinterpreting what some of these admissions mean. The man who said he was excited to finally be able to delete his profile may have just been saying that he was anxious to stop using the site. That comment may not have had anything to do with you or how he felt about you.

The uncomfortable reality is that if you’re looking for a serious relationship, then you probably shouldn’t immediately dismiss guys like this. Yes, they might be over-zealous, but they’re also looking for what you are looking for. Those men hold a much higher return on investment than the guys who don’t share their internal dialogue.

Few people want to hear this, but the people online in our age range (35+) who want relationships will probably possess qualities that turn us off. If they’re bombarded with options then it’s less likely that they’re as anxious to jump into something serious. The people with all the options will either explore all those options and eventually choose (which could take some time) or realize that the odds are in their favor and just hang back and enjoy their plethora of possibilities. As a friend recently said to me, some people just don’t know when to fold a good hand. Others, like the ones you appear to frequently be meeting, are almost chomping at the bit to cash in their chips.The true question is whether they are going all in indiscriminately.

I think you should see some of these dates through in order to determine if these guys are desperate or if they’re just unafraid to make their intentions known.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

How Much Dating Experience Do You Need To Have a Relationship?

Posted: 05 Jan 2014 02:27 PM PST

Name: Michael
:
Comment: Dating with a red flag…

I’m a 42-year old man who’s never been in a relationship. I’m also a virgin, of the “never been kissed” variety. I’m not asexual, nor have I ever struggled with sexual identity. Overall, I’ve got a good life, am well-liked by men and women alike, and am a pretty happy person. I’m not a “bitter loner”. This isn’t the end of my world, but it’s not optimal, either.

For a little bit of background, I grew up in a religiously conservative community, but wasn’t a member of the majority religion, so I wasn’t really exposed to a lot of the typical teenage explorations of dating. Even though we weren’t religious, my parents were very socially conservative, and I felt that I had to be perfect in every way, and that “good boys don’t”. In addition, I was painfully shy when it comes to any sort of romantic interactions, and it was simply easier and more comfortable for me to not participate in such things. In the few instances where I did, things didn’t go well.

I went to a university where there were many more men than women enrolled, and frankly was comfortable hanging out with my male friends, many of whom also didn’t date, due to simple demographics. After graduation, I went to graduate school, and spent my 20′s and 30′s working, reading, playing video games, and spending lots of time with my platonic friends (who have now mostly moved away, started families, or more commonly, both).

I’ve tried online dating off and on (mostly off) over the last 10-12 years or so, with somewhat typical results. I’ve had a small number of first dates, a few second dates, and that’s about it. I never wrote many women, and although my response rate’s probably higher than average, nothing’s ever worked out. I suspect that I come across as unobjectionable but boring and a bit awkward. “The Fade” is how things have gone each time.

Over the last year and a half or so, I’ve not dated at all, but I have put a lot of effort into changing my life. I got a new job, started a very healthy diet, and have gotten in good shape. In early 2014 I’ll be moving to a new city, getting a fresh start. I’m looking forward to that. I’d like to start dating again, hopefully with better results, when I get there.

But here’s the question… I know that my lack of relationship experience is a huge, huge red flag to almost everyone. While I’m a confident person in general, I’m not at all confident when it comes to dating, especially physically. Obviously it’s not something that I plan to advertise, but it’s a pretty large hurdle. Any advice on getting off to a late start dating with such a red flag on my resume?
Age: 42
City: St. Louis
State: MO

The first thing I’d suggest is working with someone who can help you build up your self-esteem and social confidence. Maybe that’s a therapist, maybe it’s a dating coach. You need to find a mentor-type relationship to help you catch up on the basic social skills that are helpful to have when trying to date. You’re putting the cart before the horse by trying to meet women without also working on your confidence and social skills. Find someone who is skilled in helping people navigate social situations without the pressure of meeting someone. It really all starts with the presentation – how you dress, your conversational skills, and – much like an interview – how you answer the tricky questions that come up regarding dating history.

As someone here often says, you are not under any kind of obligation to be totally truthful. It’s not a court of law. So devise responses to the questions you predict will arise when on dates. You don’t have to offer up any kind of information, either. Don’t let that compulsion to “come clean” take over. You didn’t so anything wrong. Okay, so you haven’t had sex or had much sexual experience. That’s stuff you can learn. And, despite what you keep telling yourself, you do have relationship experience. You have friends, you have a career, you have family. As I’ve said before, romantic relationships don’t involve some special sub-section of guidelines or rules. In fact, it’s those who do believe that romantic relationships involve a whole different set of rules are usually the ones who struggle the most. Relating to people can come in many forms. You are not impaired in any way. You just lack a specific kind of skill set, and those skills are easily acquired through experience. So get experience. Socialize and network. Interact with people. While you’re doing that, find somebody you can trust who isn’t all about getting you laid to assist you with building up your self-confidence.

The time to be forthcoming is when you’re comfortable with someone and real trust has been established. And even then I’m 50/50 on just how much you should tell them. There’s no need to purge all this information. You’re functioning under a belief that there’s something wrong with you. Working that out requires a professional and there’s no shame in trying to de-shame yourself. You need to change the tapes in your head. That’s the first and most crucial step in this process. Get started on that, then find someone who can help you build your social confidence. While you’re doing that get out and interact with people. The rest will come naturally. It might be tricky at first but the more you get out there and the more you feel like people like and accept you, the more comfortable you will become.

Friday, January 3, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Dating Red Flag 101: Beware The Person Who Showers You With Compliments

Posted: 03 Jan 2014 05:59 AM PST

Name: GI_JANE

Comment: So over the last few years I’ve been really working on myself, and now I am getting dates with men I like.

However, I’m seeing a new pattern now, almost all the guys I end up likeing end up disappearing on me fairly early in the dating process. Usually after date 2 or 3, but some after the first date (which I’m the one ending because they seem to want to make it last forever).

These men compliment me on looking better than my photos, and tell me about all the disappointments they have had with other women and how I’m so different. How I’m more attractive than my photos and easy to talk.

Now then why do these guys dissapear and more importantly, what is this saying about me since this happens to me so often?
Age: 29
City: Midwest
State: Midwest

The red flag here is all of the compliments. I have commented many times that compliments from strangers, specifically effusive comments about looks, are usually disingenuous. These guys are saying all these wonderful things to you because either a) they’re socially awkward and think that the way to get a woman to like them is to tell her she’s pretty or b) they’re trying to lull her into a false sense of security.

Also a red flag is when they tell you how different you are from other women. They’re playing into the stereotype that all women get a thrill hearing they’ve somehow one upped another woman.

These men that faded were probably just after sex. When they didn’t get it (or once they did) they fell off the planet. Either that or they were just looking for someone with whom they could commiserate with or who might understand their loneliness and frustration.

I want you to think about what a statement like, ‘You look prettier than your photos” implies. To me, a “compliment” like that says, “I wasn’t all that sure you were attractive/thought you were okay/wasn’t all that attracted to you but figured what the hell.” It’s a backhanded compliment. As people here have said before, you really want to try to avoid situations where you’re out with someone who is lukewarm about you. If somebody says something like this to you again, without any kind of provocation from you, then take that as a sign that they’re possibly out with you because they didn’t have many other options or consider the date a throw away.

People who unload about their negative dating experiences, on a date no less, really should be avoided at all costs. Not only is it bad form but it hints at a discontent with dating and the opposite sex.

The Fade is a staple of online dating, though. You must understand that. It can happen at any time. That’s why you can’t apply or give too much credit to someone who showers you with compliments. You can’t get invested in that kind of attention because it’s not real.

Something else to consider is that your photos or profile give off a certain vibe, one that draws in the guys that are looking to pull one over on you. When I was looking through women’s profiles last week, I came across a number of profiles where the woman posted pictures of her all taken manually in some way. All of the photos were of her in her apartment. I know that Zoosk recently released survey data saying that women with selfies and with photos taken inside their home get more responses. I wanted to offer a possible alternate theory as to why.

I think that the profiles of women where they have selfies and snaps of them in their apartments make them appear isolated and lonely. I know that when I see a man’s profile and it’s a bunch of selfies of him in his apartment, my first thought is whether or not he has any friends. There’s something off about someone who doesn’t have at least 2 photos where it was clear somebody else took the picture.

While I think selfies are perfectly acceptable now, they HAVE to be amongst photos where you’re out and about and not sitting in your apartment taking shot after shot. There are apps now that you can download that have a timer so that you can pose for a photo and make it look like you had a friend take the picture.

The men you’re meeting, Jane, all sound like sad sacks. If your photos are mostly one of you in your home taking pictures of yourself without a number of others out socially or not taken by anyone else to balance that out, that could be why you keep encounter guys like this.

Here are some more of the Stats from the Zoosk survey.

You'll get a 203% bump in your incoming messages average if your photo has a full body shot, regardless of your gender

Women get 60% more messages if their profile pictures were taken indoors

Men get 19% more messages if their profile pictures were taken outdoors

Selfies get women 4% more messages, and lower men's incoming average by 8%

Man or woman, posing with animals lowers your average by 53% and posing with your friends lowers your average by 42%

"Divorce" and "separate" up men's incoming messages by 52%, and mention of their children get a 7% bump

Women's incoming messages reduce by 7% for mentioning the same words

Read more: http://www.thegloss.com/2014/01/02/sex-and-dating/online-dating-profile-picture-says-chances-getting-laid/#ixzz2pLMxblYY

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Why Do So Many Guys We Meet Online Want To Text ???

Posted: 01 Jan 2014 01:59 PM PST

Name: Nia
Comment: Hi

I’m an avid reader of this blog and find that your advice is on the money. I have done some revising of my “dating myths” and decided to put an add on a dating site recently. I did my best to show what I was bringing to the table, be feminine and upbeat, and include a few specific things so guys would have a topic to connect with me on.

I included 2 face shots, one half profile and one straight on, and a full body shot. (Fully body shot was not the best face pic, but as I’m both tall- 5’10″- and a size 14 I wanted to be real about what guys would be getting)

Well, an overwhelming response! I got about 100 responses in 24 hours. After weeding out the obvious “no’s” I followed a process where I asked for a photo nicely, (if he didn’t include one) then did one getting to know you email (if the guy’s response was very short or vague) and then moved to a coffee/wine/ beer- after- work date suggestion if he seemed at all reasonable.

So far, so good. 6 dates are on the books and I am very happy with the results.

One thing I wanted to ask about here is something I noticed.

Almost every guy that made it to the “set up a coffee date” stage agreed to a coffee date (in theory!) and then asked “Would you like to give me your number so we can text?” or “Here’s my number, you can text me.”

Honestly, I am not 100% “no” on texting, it just seems like a boondoggle. When you don’t know someone, how do you get to know them over SMS? What do you have to “text” about?

Is this their way of moving it to the fade? Is this a possible way to get the number so they can then do the dreaded 11 PM “hey girl, ‘sup?” text and circumvent the whole coffee or wine date thing? Have they been trained by other women that they have to pass a phone and texting “sh*t test” of some kind? So many questions.

I did politely and briefly explain “sure, I’m open to it, but I find it tends to take the wind out of our sails before meeting. Let’s save our conversation for a glass of wine.” Most guys were okay with it. Some just faded after that.

One guy told me he wouldn’t text, then he did anyway and said “I know I said I wouldn’t text but I was thinking of you and couldn’t resist.” ORLY? Well, color me skybluepink! That’s never happened in any of my relationships. Methinks I smell a rat.

From my perspective, texting is not conducive to actual dating. Am I missing the male perspective here? What are they after? Why the “do you wanna text?”
Age: 34
City: Denver
State: Colorado

I don’t think that asking for a phone number is necessarily a preclude to The Fade. It sounds like you’ve devised a smart litmus test to help you sniff out who the texting addicts might be. It’s possible that a lot of men assume that women require that phone step. Some others simply want to get off the site and take things to a different medium in order to communicate. And, yes, some people just like to play text hockey and trade dirty photos.

You were quite the smarty pants when your sensors went off when that guy sent you a text after telling you he sent a text. I assume you laid down a boundary when trading numbers and said you’d prefer not to text, but he did it anyway. Yep., That’s a red flag. If you tell someone that you don’t do A, B , or C and they ignore that, you’re right to run in the other direction.

As I’ve said before, it’s better to hold off giving your number until a date is set up. If the person you’re meeting suggests you trade numbers, you can say that there’s no need to do that but that you’ll send your number to him the day before the date. Some people just like to show that they’re being transparent by offering their number. If they offer you theirs, you are not obliged to respond in kind. You can just say, “Thanks! Looking forward to meeting you next Tuesday!”

It’s not a bad idea to say in your profile that you don’t exchange numbers with anybody until a date is set up. Lay down the expectations up front so people know what is reasonable to request or expect.

I’ll leave the rest for the men of our commentariat. They can probably offer more conclusive explanations.