And That's Why You're Single

How Much Dating Experience Do You Need To Have a Relationship?

Posted: 05 Jan 2014 02:27 PM PST

Name: Michael
:
Comment: Dating with a red flag…

I’m a 42-year old man who’s never been in a relationship. I’m also a virgin, of the “never been kissed” variety. I’m not asexual, nor have I ever struggled with sexual identity. Overall, I’ve got a good life, am well-liked by men and women alike, and am a pretty happy person. I’m not a “bitter loner”. This isn’t the end of my world, but it’s not optimal, either.

For a little bit of background, I grew up in a religiously conservative community, but wasn’t a member of the majority religion, so I wasn’t really exposed to a lot of the typical teenage explorations of dating. Even though we weren’t religious, my parents were very socially conservative, and I felt that I had to be perfect in every way, and that “good boys don’t”. In addition, I was painfully shy when it comes to any sort of romantic interactions, and it was simply easier and more comfortable for me to not participate in such things. In the few instances where I did, things didn’t go well.

I went to a university where there were many more men than women enrolled, and frankly was comfortable hanging out with my male friends, many of whom also didn’t date, due to simple demographics. After graduation, I went to graduate school, and spent my 20′s and 30′s working, reading, playing video games, and spending lots of time with my platonic friends (who have now mostly moved away, started families, or more commonly, both).

I’ve tried online dating off and on (mostly off) over the last 10-12 years or so, with somewhat typical results. I’ve had a small number of first dates, a few second dates, and that’s about it. I never wrote many women, and although my response rate’s probably higher than average, nothing’s ever worked out. I suspect that I come across as unobjectionable but boring and a bit awkward. “The Fade” is how things have gone each time.

Over the last year and a half or so, I’ve not dated at all, but I have put a lot of effort into changing my life. I got a new job, started a very healthy diet, and have gotten in good shape. In early 2014 I’ll be moving to a new city, getting a fresh start. I’m looking forward to that. I’d like to start dating again, hopefully with better results, when I get there.

But here’s the question… I know that my lack of relationship experience is a huge, huge red flag to almost everyone. While I’m a confident person in general, I’m not at all confident when it comes to dating, especially physically. Obviously it’s not something that I plan to advertise, but it’s a pretty large hurdle. Any advice on getting off to a late start dating with such a red flag on my resume?
Age: 42
City: St. Louis
State: MO

The first thing I’d suggest is working with someone who can help you build up your self-esteem and social confidence. Maybe that’s a therapist, maybe it’s a dating coach. You need to find a mentor-type relationship to help you catch up on the basic social skills that are helpful to have when trying to date. You’re putting the cart before the horse by trying to meet women without also working on your confidence and social skills. Find someone who is skilled in helping people navigate social situations without the pressure of meeting someone. It really all starts with the presentation – how you dress, your conversational skills, and – much like an interview – how you answer the tricky questions that come up regarding dating history.

As someone here often says, you are not under any kind of obligation to be totally truthful. It’s not a court of law. So devise responses to the questions you predict will arise when on dates. You don’t have to offer up any kind of information, either. Don’t let that compulsion to “come clean” take over. You didn’t so anything wrong. Okay, so you haven’t had sex or had much sexual experience. That’s stuff you can learn. And, despite what you keep telling yourself, you do have relationship experience. You have friends, you have a career, you have family. As I’ve said before, romantic relationships don’t involve some special sub-section of guidelines or rules. In fact, it’s those who do believe that romantic relationships involve a whole different set of rules are usually the ones who struggle the most. Relating to people can come in many forms. You are not impaired in any way. You just lack a specific kind of skill set, and those skills are easily acquired through experience. So get experience. Socialize and network. Interact with people. While you’re doing that, find somebody you can trust who isn’t all about getting you laid to assist you with building up your self-confidence.

The time to be forthcoming is when you’re comfortable with someone and real trust has been established. And even then I’m 50/50 on just how much you should tell them. There’s no need to purge all this information. You’re functioning under a belief that there’s something wrong with you. Working that out requires a professional and there’s no shame in trying to de-shame yourself. You need to change the tapes in your head. That’s the first and most crucial step in this process. Get started on that, then find someone who can help you build your social confidence. While you’re doing that get out and interact with people. The rest will come naturally. It might be tricky at first but the more you get out there and the more you feel like people like and accept you, the more comfortable you will become.

Attract Girls Now

Sunday, January 5, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

And That's Why You're Single

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