Posted: 12 Nov 2013 02:29 PM PST

Name: Arielle Use_The_Magic_8_Ball_And_Have_Fun

Question: Five month ago I meet someone from an online dating site. The first time we met we had sex and the relationship continued with getting together about ever 14 days for sex. About three month into the arrangement it started getting more frequent ( once a week).I made a comment to him after having sex one night that this was a booty call. He replied, “looks like we are cuddling”. After that remark things changed a bit, he brought over food, stayed over one night, and we went out for dinner one night. He seems to like me and I know that I would like to take this relationship into a different direction, however I think and feel that him adjusting his behavior is more to make himself feel better. And here is why: he is still very active on the dating site I met him, he still comes over last minute and he rarely calls just to say hi. I never contact him, but I am almost always available when he contacts me. I need to add that I have a very busy schedule, I work full time and went back to school full time, he is sensitive to that. Still, is his change in behavior for pure selfish reasons simple not wanting to lose the booty calls or is he trying to change the relationship. I need to add that when we are together I feel a strong connection and we get along great. Thank you for you time.
Age: 51
State: ca

You’re suspicious of his behavior because you slept with him on the first date. You made a passive aggressive comment to him wherein you described your arrangement as a booty call. He responded by making more effort. Rather than think he was trying to show you that he’s not just after sex, you’re still suspicious of his motives. The guy can’t win.

Did it occur to you that maybe he took your booty call comment to mean that that’s how you view the relationship? This is why tossing off these comments in an attempt to be flip or play aloof often backfires on us. The more productive way to approach a situation like this is to ask the person where they see the relationship going.

Having sex on the first date has dictated the whole context of your relationship with this man. You’ve got it in your head that that’s all he wants. It’s not that he needs to change. It’s that you need to change. You need to stop looking for monsters around every corner and just enjoy the ride and see where things go. If you want to know what his intentions are, then ask him. More importantly, you need to tell him what it is you seek and see if you and he are on the same page.

It is crucial for people to know whether or not they can handle all the possible consequences of first date sex or “sex too soon” before they have sex. If you know you’re going to end up over-thinking everything or questioning someone’s intentions to the point where you psych yourself out, don’t do it. There’s nothing wrong with needing that window of time to get acclimated.

Protected: More

Posted: 12 Nov 2013 11:14 AM PST

It’s Time To Stop Making Male Approval So Important

Posted: 12 Nov 2013 06:24 AM PST

This article over at The Frisky made my head explode. tina-fey-eye-roll

Dear Single Friends,

We haven't seen a lot of you lately. And when we have, there have been strained exchanges and tense subtext. We can see you stifling an eye roll when we bring up our S.O.'s name. So we stopped bringing up his name because we didn't want to make you feel weird. That only made us feel weird.

Single friends, we're not dead, we're just coupled. Everything has changed, but at the same time, nothing has changed. That sounds really esoteric, but it's not. All the little things have changed — like, we now spend Sunday mornings snuggling instead of getting a pedicure and we're not going to be around to do orphan Thanksgiving this year. Sorry. And no, we can't be your single wingwoman on Saturday nights. But that doesn't mean we don't want to hang out on Saturday night. We do. Because despite our relationship status, everything else is the same. Our friendships, especially.

One thing we didn't consider, when we finally found love, was losing you. We get it, we used to feel this way about our friends who paired off and drifted away. We'd be like, "Another one bites the dust." Or "When will it be my turn?" Despite what you may think, we remember what it was like to be single. We'll never forget. The horrendous dates that make you want to hide under your covers forever. The long, winter nights awake, worrying about your uterus shriveling up without ever having the chance to have a family. The self-deprecating jokes about being a spinster that we secretly believed. We remember the good things too, like being able to watch trashy reality TV at any time of the day or night, eye-banging cute guys on the subway, and ordering a pizza without having to worry whether or not your boyfriend hates pineapple. Sometimes we miss these moments of freedom so much.

frank_orly Do you hear how the authors of this piece are making it out to be the single friend’s fault that the friendship has faded? The blame is subversively being placed on the “uncomfortable” friend, with the two coupled up women feigning concern for the single friend’s feels. Yes. THAT’S why you blew them off. To spare them further pain. Not because you got caught up in a relationship and decided you no longer needed your single friends. Funny how that changes when things hit a snag, isn’t it?

I’ve mentioned before that all of my long-time friends (10+ years) are all married. The only one who brings up their significant other on any kind of regular basis is a man. My female friends almost never talk about their husbands. We’re too busy talking about other things. We do an initial check-in about the status of their relationship (“How’s so-and-so?”) but that’s about it. We are no longer at an age where we’re boy crazy. We’re adults. There are plenty of other things to discuss.

I hate articles like this for several reasons. First, because they are poorly disguised humble brags. Second, because the majority of the time, the newly coupled up woman has been with her guy for a whopping 6 months or so and now prattles on endlessly about all the crazy and wacky things that happen when you’re in a relationship. And then there are the adorable tutorials and how I got a relationship pieces. Follow these steps and you too could be dating a guy for a few months.

What would really make for a cool article is if a woman in a relationship admitted that she believes being in a relationship elevates her status above women who aren’t. Let’s talk about that. How about we stop making it about how annoying all your single friends are and shine that light on your insufferable superiority because you have a manz.

Let’s also draw attention to the fact that, despite our protests to the contrary, a lot of women still madly, passionately desire the approval of men and use that approval to one-up other women. This quote from a great Jezebel article sums it up nicely:

It’s that I don’t think it’s about sex. I think it’s about power. And I think it’s a symptom of any group that is routinely denied power, or reduced culturally to having only one kind that matters, such as sexual power,

And finally, why don’t we have a sit down and talk about the sense of alienation and ensuing pressure some women feel when they’re surrounded by conversations about weddings and registries and housewarmings. Thanks Facebook! That desire to fit in and be One of Them can overtake you at times. I was reading an article about moving in with a guy over at xoJane. As I read through the comments, I so badly wanted to be able to join in on that conversation, but really had nothing to add. While it wasn’t intentional on the part of the writer or the people commenting, I definitely felt a bit left out of the conversation. I had this overwhelming desire to be part of that group, despite never being someone who thought about that stuff on any kind of regular basis. It really got me thinking about how some people might feel pressured to pair off just because they feel as though they’re being left behind or left out. That emotion is often the result of “helpful” articles like the one from The Frisky.

I can say that they only time I feel “weird” when my friends bring up their boyfriends is when they find any opportunity it work him into a conversation. That gets tedious really quickly and makes it seem like the woman’s life revolves around the guy. Awkward. It’s not that we feel weird when we listen to friends talk about their partners. It’s that, in many cases, we just think that they’re being condescending and smug. Like, I really don’t want to hear my friend who has been dating a guy all of 7 months talk to me as though she hasn’t been single in a decade. Especially when I was probably the one she was calling 8 months ago complaining about her 76th bad OKCupid date. Be with a guy for 10+ years, have a kid or two, go through being laid off or money problems and make it through the other side, and then maybe take that tone. No, we don’t want to hear you cute-complain about your boyfriend’s chewing habits or discuss fart etiquette, because you’re not really looking for advice or venting. You’re just looking for an opportunity to talk about him. AGAIN. You know when you really decide to re-ignite the friendship? When you or he or both of you have grown comfortable and complacent and the magic has worn off and now you’re just a regular ol’ couple.

Basically, we quickly become hip to the game and we just don’t want to play. Not because we’re jealous or bitter, but because we have plenty of other non-peen related stuff going on in our lives and would rather talk about that or do. For some of us, having a boyfriend isn’t The Holy Grail. That’s why we aren’t as eager to hang out anymore. That’s why we don’t really care if you feel bad about flaking on us.

We’ve moved on without you. And we’re doing just fine.

Attract Girls Now

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

And That's Why You're Single

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