And That's Why You're Single

How Come So Many People Delay Meeting Up In Person?

Posted: 20 Nov 2013 05:56 AM PST

Name: Cari
Comment: Hello,

I’ve been on two paid sites (JDate and Match) for approximately eight months, and I’ve noticed something happening with greater frequency. I’m having more men in “my” age bracket want to spend excessive, if not all of their, time engaging in virtual dating. I’ve been reading your blog for awhile and am well aware of your advice to avoid men to want to engage in prolonged email and texting before meeting off-line, and I’m getting better about letting them know that I’m looking for a date and not a pen pal. But my question is why do so many of them do it? And no, I’m not *just* talking about men I approach; I’m talking about those who email or wink at me first.
Age: 49
City: Austin
State: Texas

There are a number of reasons people do this. Yes, women do it, too.

1. They’re just on the site out of boredom or for entertainment

2. They are lying about something in their profile and do not wish to risk rejection or get caught.

3. They are juggling options. They’re chatting with you while chatting and meeting with other people.

4. They are and never were terribly interested in the first place. Sometimes people flirt or wink for the hell of it. Sometimes it’s a mistake. Other times they read your profile more completely and notice something they didn’t notice before they makes them think you and they aren’t a match.

5. They have limitations or issues that make socializing difficult for them.

As common as deception is in regards to online dating, I would guess that a lot of people who stagger and prolong communication are doing so while they feel out their options. I think all of us at some point in time have done that. You’ve met someone you like and you want to see where it goes, but you don’t want to completely shut the door on another option. As maddening as it can be, playing the odds and exploring your options are an integral part of online dating.

Making up another large chuck of the online dating audience are people with serious social anxiety or other emotional issues who are isolated and fall in love with people over the internet. The amount of letters I’ve received in the past few months from women who fall for dudes who live hundreds of miles away only to come up empty handed and confused has me at a loss. The internet is a great place to pass the time and join communities and learn, but it should never fully replace good old fashioned person to person interaction.

I never find myself in this situation. Do you know why? Because I don’t let things get past 3-4 emails before one of us is suggesting that we meet up offline. If he doesn’t do it, I do it. If he stalls, I abandon the conversation or suggest that he follow up with me when he knows his schedule. I do not give him my email or phone number. I do not respond to any follow up email that doesn’t include a plan to meet. I walk away and find someone else. You shouldn’t even be getting to the point where you notice that they seem more interested in emailing than meeting.

I have a zero tolerance policy for special snowflakey paranoia or attention seeking. Oh, so you don’t want to post a photo because of work or because you’re cautious about your safety? Beat it. Those people don’t belong on online dating sites. I also have no interest in being someone’s online paramour or long-distance pen-pal/fling.

Again I will point out the passive role that many men and women take in their dating or online dating experience. This doesn’t keep happening to you. You continue to choose to engage in it, probably because you’re sitting on principle. There’s no time for hesitation any more. You either want to get off line or you don’t.The people who need to “get to know someone better” before meeting them or who require that their matches jump through hoops have issues that will make them tres difficult to date.

Attract Girls Now

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

And That's Why You're Single

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