And That's Why You're Single |
- Why Does She Always Attract The Wrong Guys?
- How To Avoid Bad Or Unsuccessful First Dates
- Things People Are DYING TO Say To Their Single Friends
| Why Does She Always Attract The Wrong Guys? Posted: 04 Nov 2013 02:25 PM PST Name: Cat I have a serious problem with the guys I end up dating both long- and short-term. It seems that they either have “mom issues” meaning that they have a mediocre or even a downright bad relationship with their moms and they project their inner frustrations with her onto me, or they seem to want sex and never make a deeper commitment. Granted the fact that I have a bad relationship with both of my parents, it seems that the only thing we have in common is griping about or nuclear families and develop a sort of bond over our residual loneliness. I’ve lied to myself that I’m alright with the sex-only part, but I end up developing feelings for them and shit gets ugly. How can I weed these guys out? I am such a shit magnet. First of all, you need to acknowledge something very important. This isn’t all happening to you. You are participating in it. One big mistake that men and women make when they continuously find themselves in your situation is that they assume a passive role. These relationships are not a series of coincidences. You’re not only attracting these men, but you’re consciously choosing to date them. You appear to be assuming that it’s the men who are ambivalent about commitment. I hate to break it to you, but you probably are, too. I’m not psychiatrist, but I am someone with a strained relationship with their family. I can tell you that those early experiences absolutely shape how we approach attachment and intimacy. So my first suggestion would be for you to deal with your own issues. Issues that are causing you to be drawn to people who are unavailable or equally disgruntled with their family. You’re dating yourself, do you see? These men remind probably remind you of you, which is why you end up with them. You’re young enough where, if you really start to work on this, you can break free of these patterns. You’re never going to be able to weed the wrong guys out until you stop being wrong yourself. Taking a victim role in these situations doesn’t help you. You’re no more a victim than these men are victims of you. As for the issue of men only wanting sex and not making a deeper commitment, it’s important for you to acknowledge in a real way that you’re lonely and that that’s probably what drives you to accept the sex-only relationships. In a misguided attempt to be empowered, I think a lot of women tell themselves that they can handle no strings or casual relationships. It’s perfectly okay if you can’t. That doesn’t make you a failure at being an independent woman. I don’t think women are just made to be able to accept casual relationships. I think that comes more through trial and error. You build up a tolerance to the fear of being used and what not. Is this a good thing? I don’t know. As casual as I sometimes sound about sex, I’m super cautious about who I sleep with. And even that doesn’t prevent me from getting burned. It’s so easy to get caught up in the attention. What has spared me an excessive amount of disappointment is acknowledging to myself that I might be too vulnerable to take thing to a physical place. You really have to know when you’re not in the right place mentally for an experience like that. The worst thing you can do is continuously lie to yourself that it’s no biggie if they don’t call or that “you just want to get laid.” It’s hard not to try to be that woman who can handle casual sex. There’s so much white noise around us from other women that end up making us feel like something is wrong with us for not bedding a guy without emotion. The thing to realize is that a lot of that is bravado. Especially if it’s on the internet. Peer pressure doesn’t necessarily end in high school or college. It is still something we deal with in adulthood. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone. |
| How To Avoid Bad Or Unsuccessful First Dates Posted: 04 Nov 2013 05:51 AM PST I recently contributed my thoughts on LadyLux.com’s How to Ace a First Date article. Since the author couldn’t use all of my thoughts because she had other sources to include, I thought I’d post the remainder of the suggestions that I passed along. Most of these are specific to women, but others can apply to both genders. HOW TO ACE YOUR FIRST DATE: *Choose your outfit a few days before. If it needs to be cleaned, take it to the dry cleaners. For me, getting dressed and ready for a date is ten times more stressful than the date itself. I like to have everything planned in advance so I am not running around looking for the right earrings or debating which lip gloss to wear. *Make the date as fun for you as possible. I’ve been using first dates as an excuse to buy new dresses, shoes and purses. And make up. And earrings. I get a mani/pedi and a massage, I have a glass of wine, I put on Pandora and I give myself enough time to experiment with make-up, relax, etc. As much as I am dressing to impress him, I choose clothes that make me feel good. Like this baby: And this: *Have a few date spots in mind that are central to both you and your date. Choose a place that is low key and can provide an *Don’t rush! Give yourself enough time to get ready and travel to the date. *Go to the ATM and get some cash. If things aren’t clicking you don’t want *No more of the fake reach for your purse! Offer to contribute to the bill. *Send a thank you text/email the next morning. Don’t wait for him to reach HOW NOT TO ACE YOUR FIRST DATE: *Don’t go down the social media rabbit hole. Wait until you meet someone and get to know them a bit before trying to friend them on Facebook or follow them on Twitter. *Don’t go out with people you have to cajole into agreeing to meet. If they really want to meet you, they won’t take several days to suggest that you take things offline. Forget the excuses. For whatever reason they are ambivalent about meeting. Walk away *Don’t cancel last minute. They may have re-arranged their schedule to make *Don’t select a pricey restaurant or bar, regardless of what your date does *Don’t try and upgrade the date from dinner to drinks. If you and your date *Don’t double book. A lot of people will advise you to assign a specific *Don’t get stuck on protocol or use the date to test someone, like this woman did. It’s not empowering. You don’t come off looking no-nonsense and sassy. You end up looking frustrated and tip your hand that you’re not having a ton of luck. Yeah, your girlfriends will probably high-five you, but I guarantee that internally some of them are shaking their head and rolling their eyes. And guys? Don’t sit there taking mental notes all night to whether she offers to buy a round, etc. Everybody brings their own “rules” to first dates. Don’t assume that she’s using you just because she doesn’t suggest that she get the next round of drinks or offer to pay her share of the tab.  |
| Things People Are DYING TO Say To Their Single Friends Posted: 03 Nov 2013 02:44 PM PST Buzz Feed recently posted a comical list of things that cause single people to cry, roll their eyes or scream, "Forever Alone! In an attempt to be servicey, I thought I might put together a similar collection of thoughts that highlights some of the things we wish we could say to our single friends, but can't. These are all gender neutral, btw. Men and women are equally guilty of these things. 2. Oh My God. Shut. Up. – Listen, dating is hard. Nobody said it would be a cake walk, and we've all suffered through uncomfortable dates and wondered when it would be our turn to be happy. But as your friend, there's only so much griping I can listen to before I suffer an aneurysm from stifling my feedback. If you don't want my advice, preface your bazillionth rant with that disclaimer. That way I know that I'm expected to sit there and nod and agree with you. But for the record? I don't enjoy that. 3. Please stop making everything about you. – That fight with my boss that I'm telling you about? Yeah. That's not the time to hijack the conversation so you can rip on that co-worker of yours who stole your yogurt even though it clearly had your your name on it in bright neon green. When you're single for any given amount of time, it's easy to fall into that trap where you become so immersed in your own life that you sometimes forget that the world doesn't revolve around you. Let me remind you. It doesn't. 4. I'd invite you, but you're a Downer. – The real reason I'm leaving you off the guest list for something is because I don't want to listen to your heavy sighs or general grumpiness because being around couples/babies/happy people makes you cranky. Nor do I want to hear about that tweet that she posted about her new BF and can you believe the nerve of her. If you insist upon pressing those bruises, you can do them at home alone. 5. For the love of all that is holy, if you want a boyfriend/girlfriend so badly, stop using OK Cupid. – OK Cupid is widely regarded as a free hook-up site. Therefore, it makes sense that people using it continue to meet flakes, faders and other nefarious types. A paid site is going to introduce you to people who are paying to meet people. That gesture of investment increases (but does not guarantee) that you'll encounter people who are genuinely interested in meeting someone special. If you continue to return to that empty well, then I'm going to assume you thrive off the drama and don't really want a relationship. 6. Seriously, we don't mind if you don't come to our house warming/wedding/baby shower. SERIOUSLY. WE DON'T. –If you can't attend our big event or don't have the funds, just tell us. We will understand. Sure, some people get unduly offended because someone refuses to spend $700 to witness their special day. But most people understand that things might be tight or your schedule might not permit you to attend. Just say No. Especially if you're going to run to the internet and write cryptic, obnoxious updates, tweets or blog posts about how awful your friends are for wanting to include you in their big moment. 7. Are you seeing anyone? – Sometimes it's just a conversation starter, folks. It's not always an accusation or an attempt to humiliate you. 9. Would it be possible for you not to internalize and personalize my engagement or pregnancy and not make it about you? – When I post that picture of my new engagement ring on Facebook, I'm really not trying to hurt you. If it's that traumatic, hide me so I don't show up in your feed. I'm not going to go out of my way to rub something in your face, but I'm also not going to allow you and your Sads to ruin my happy moment. Keep your rants about the institution of marriage, how unfair divorce is on men or other passive aggressive crap to yourself. Or get a diary. 10. That person you're dating is bad news – When you're in a relationship or dating someone, it's hard to be objective. That's why it's important to allow friends known for their wise advice the opportunity to speak their mind. That person who still writes nasty comments about their ex on Facebook even though they're with you now? Yeah, it's probably a good idea to walk away from that. 11. Let me fix you up with someone! – Again, this is not to be taken as a personal attack, though you probably should ask yourself why your friends are so eager to get you paired off. Yes, they might just be being meddlesome or assume you're unable to find your own dates. But that date might be perfect for you. They're also may be trying to help you find you someone so you'll stop complaining. 12. You're an idiot – Oh, so you're 42 years old and dating a 20 year old and you're at a loss as to how to handle her? You're an idiot. You're sending a guy from OKCupid that you've never met pictures of your breasts even though he hasn't tried once to meet you in person? You're an idiot. You lent money to someone you've had three dates with and now they've disappeared? You're. An. Idiot. 13. You really aren't in a position to be so picky – What??? Yeah, I said it. This one is self-explanatory. Ther is no such thing as "deserving" someone of a certain caliber. 14. Maybe it's you? – Apparently this phrase is verboten. As a friend you're never, ever, EVER supposed to imply that something in your single friend's approach just isn't working. It's important to realize that none of us are ever afforded some sort of carte blanche when it comes to complaining. Our friends are not obligated to sit and listen to yet another sob or horror story about that hipster douche bag you met online. Not only that, but it is utterly maddening to listen to a friend tell you a variation of the same story over and over again without being able to offer feedback.
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