And That's Why You're Single

How Do You Know If You’re Dating a Manipulator?

Posted: 07 Nov 2013 02:45 PM PST

Name: AS
:
Comment: I am a single female in my mid-thirties and decided after zero luck with relationships and dating, I would attempt to meet people through a popular dating site. At the time I was looking for men with similar interests and not necessarily looking for a romantic partner or even necessarily meeting. I was lonely and thought it might be nice to have someone I could communicate with or even share hobbies with.

I got pretty bored with the site quickly and became somewhat interested in someone that I knew in person. I did meet a male that was close to my age that seemed to share similar interests, so we communicated once in a while through another social venue. At some point we did begin talking through instant messages and then we exchanged phone numbers. The first time we talked, our phone call was 5 hours long. He seemed ecstatic and I enjoyed the intellectually stimulating conversation. It was in no way sexual or out of line. He seemed to be the perfect gentleman and we enjoyed phone calls each day with one another for several days until he tells me that he has to meet me, he cannot wait any longer.

The kicker is-he lives a five hour drive from me. In theory I thought the distance would only leave our friendship at the chat/phone level, and didn’t really expect that we would meet. First of all, I had never met anyone this way. I had never dated anyone from a dating site, since I had never been on one before. He pressured me about three days into talking to meet him on a whim and I panicked. I did not feel the timing was appropriate and I wasn’t prepared, plus I was still cautious as well since I had never done this before. We mutually decided (after much pressure from me) that we could take some time to communicate and decide when it would be better for me to meet him. So a week later, that’s what happened.

We hit it off. It was hard for me because I admit-I was very nervous and it had been a while since I had been on the dating scene. I won’t lie, we did have ‘relations’ that first night, something I had told him numerous times I did not want us to do so soon. It happened. I take fault in that.

Let’s fast forward to now. It’s been 4 months. We’ve seen one another about every weekend. Mostly he comes here because he has the means to and more time to do so. He has a very stable job and very stable home life. We both have no kids and have never been married. He seems very reasonable and normal. We both seem to want the same things. However–there have been some red flags popping up.

My problem is this: I have had some relationships in my past where I have had valid trust issues. I had a devastating breakup that caused me to take a 6 year break from dating. Putting that into the mix, here are a few things that confused me when I visited him and stayed in his house.

Things that bother me: wedding ring book in his bedroom and when I asked about it, he said it was old, then he said that I was not supposed to see it. (as if to hint it was for me. He has told me he has never proposed to anyone in his life.
women’s supplies in his bathrooms, (body wash, soap pouf, Nair, etc…) not a lot and it did look like it had not been used in some time, but when I asked him he said ‘How do you know I did not buy this for you?’ Well, it’s half used. Then he essentially failed to answer the question until I said “Well maybe an ex left it at your place” to which he replied ‘yes’
when we went into a relationship on social media, he deleted and blocked several female friends
rushing the relationship-wanting me to move in with him phone calls diminished drastically
2nd time he visited he stayed in my home, alone while I went to work. He said he would make a copy of my house keys but also made a copy for himself.
He seems to want to possibly impregnate me.
He has spent a lot of money on household items for my place, well, to me a lot of money, to him probably nothing (our incomes are drastically different.
His phone and computers have passwords, and NO, I have NEVER once tried to sign in or snoop in his home or on his phone/computer
talking about marriage, eloping
when I am not available, he repeatedly calls me and texts me until he gets an answer, saying he is worried about me but when he isn’t around (sleeping or whatever), I respect him enough to call one time and ask the next day.
He tells me he will write me letters, contact me at certain times but most of the time it doesn’t happen. It takes a lot of work for me to explain to him that I have never been in a relationship that is long distance, I have trust issues and I have also never dated someone that is in the career field he is in.

I hate that this post is so long, and there is even more that I could add, but my gut is telling me something isn’t right. He wants me to move into his home and start my life with him. I have contemplated doing this but I know that it will take time and he goes back and forth with the pressure and the pushiness. I’m trying to be logical and I’m not going to change and drop my entire life for someone I am not totally sure of.

He has put in a lot of travel effort and money, but I’m not looking at it from that standpoint. He has been there for me through several emotional times and has taken time to reassure me that things will be OK and that is not out to hurt me. He does have issues with a temper, no excuse for that but I think he expects me to back down and curl up in a fetal position when that happens and I don’t. I either give it right back or I disappear until emotions have cooled down so we can talk about rational and civil adults.

Good aspects:
We have a lot in common and mutual interests that most women would not share with him.
We both are very hardworking individuals.
We both came from very strong, close-knit families
We both have never been married and have never had children
He did give me keys to his home and said that when he is away on business I am able to go to his home at any time and if I wanted to, I could just move there if I felt I needed to escape.
We have a great passionate chemistry
We have a great intellectual connection, one I have NEVER experienced with anyone else prior to meeting him.
Our goals are mutual, we want the same things and view the attainment of said things the as mutual.
We have fairly good communication skills.