And That's Why You're Single

Posted: 24 Nov 2013 02:58 PM PST

Name: jp howtoknowifaguyismarriagematerial
:
Comment: Moxie,

I have been following your blog for a while and think it’s great. I have a question that may have been addressed in other articles but I am pretty sure that it has not come up yet.

I am a 33 year old MALE virgin. I put that in bold because I think there is a fundamentally different dynamic between how the genders are treated when it comes to the V card issue. As you can imagine I do not bring up this issue until the dates are fairly advanced along (4th or 5th date). So far, I have met a mixture of surprise, derision, scorn, pity, and incredulity from women. Universally there is rejection.

Here’s the thing. I do not tick any of the stereotypical boxes -e.g. religious fundamentalist, sexually abused, getting therapy, insular ethnic culture, language barrier,formerly imprisoned, low testosterone drive, etc. Instead I am religiously agnostic and grew up in a normal 2 parent family home. I was a late bloomer physically (for example did not start shaving until 19) and spent my 20s and early 30s throwing myself into school, sports, and building a career working 60-80 hour weeks. Money is important b/c of family members’ mounting medical bills and I am expected to be the main provider.

Now, I own a large condo apartment in Manhattan in a nice neighborhood , have a high 5 figure job in a growing field, work out several times a week (to the point of being a gym rat), etc. I regularly get introduced to women by co-workers and female friends trying to set me up who all say I’m a “catch.” When I do go out with female company – either business affairs or group casual – there’s a lot of light flirtation and sometimes they will give me their business cards with their cell phone number written on the back. But when things progress to more intimate settings I become not as confident and I guess it shows.

To be fair, I understand where the women are coming from. It is awkward and puts a lot of pressure on them to be “the one” especially in a culture where the man is expected to take the lead in everything or alternately they fear me turning clingy and co-dependent. I have thought about getting an escort but ultimately shelved the idea b/c that’s not how I envisaged my first. Perhaps pursuing an older lady (40+)? I am not sure. Thoughts welcome.
Age: 33
City: new york city (manhattan)
State: ny

Ok, so here’s my suggestion. I eagerly await the moral high-grounders response to this.

Lie your god damn face off.

Find someone online who interests you and just get your first time over with. Enough with the whole “I want my first time to be special” thing. Those days are long gone and well behind you. Sure, it makes you sound nice and sweet and respectful, but please. You’re 33 years old. You’re not some teenager up in their room day dreaming of what their first time will be like while reading some young adult romance novel. It is this line of thinking that has led you to be a virgin at your age. You’ve waited so long that you have analysis paralysis.

Yep, it’ll probably be nerve wracking and maybe even a little awkward, but you have to get over this hurdle. If you climax quickly or get nervous you can say you’re stressed out. The woman isn’t going to know the difference. In fact I bet a lot of women will be relieved because it means you can lie there and cuddle and talk. Once the refractory period has passed, you can try again, and this time will be a lot better. I promise. Just get that first time over with. Believe me when I tell you that the first time with a new partner, whether it’s your honest to God first sexual experience or first experience with that person, is nerve wracking and sometimes awkward and even unsatisfying. You have to find your groove with someone new. It’s rarely ever like what you see in movies.

There’s no need to reveal this to anyone you’re not dating seriously. I know that many people will advocate for telling women the truth because the truth will bring you closer, etc etc. Yeah. Okay. Adorable. The more likely scenario is that you’ll tell them and they’ll wonder if you’re gay or have hang-ups. That’s why you shouldn’t say anything. You don’t have to outright lie, just do what you can to avoid telling the truth. If she brings up the topic of partner count, tell her you don’t feel that that’s something relevant and that you’re disease free. You can even say something like, “Less than 20.” It’s true! Then get it in there. When the time is right and you feel you and the woman you’re dating are really on solid ground, then you can tell her. But before that? Keep that shit to yourself.

Attract Girls Now

Sunday, November 24, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

And That's Why You're Single

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