Friday, December 20, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

And That's Why You're Single

You Might End Up Alone..Or Maybe You Won’t

Posted: 20 Dec 2013 02:09 PM PST


Name: Chloeyayme

Comment: Hey Moxie,

This isn’t a comment or question for the website but a great big thank you!!!

I discovered your site back in August when I was in the throws of online dating, both Match and Oasis.  I was having what I thought was a ‘bad’ time online dating and was finding the whole thing confusing, frustrating and soul destroying.  I did have a question posted and your advice was bang on, although at the time I didn’t really take it and continued to message the guy, to no avail.

My best friend had always encouraged me to look for the ‘fireworks’.  I was with someone when I met her and she made me see that I was only really with him because I was too scared to be alone (a common problem).  She always talked to me in chlichés ‘You’ll just know when you meet him’, ‘Your eyes will meet across a crowded room’, ‘When you find him your tummy will flip’ etc etc

I divorced the love of my life 5 years ago and never believed I could feel that way again, so I accepted my ‘He’ll do’ guy, because I thought that was as much as I could expect.

I was single for nearly a year before I threw myself into the dating scene at the start of this year, I had some good/bad/crazy/boring/weird experiences and was at an all time low when I discovered your website.

You and the people who comment on your site encouraged me, or should I say convinced me to give up! The stories made me realise that online dating, although in rare cases which are successful, is not really a way to meet ‘the one’.  It’s a way to grow your confidence, learn about yourself, find out what you are not willing to put up with and explore the opposite sex.  But not a way to find the right partner.

I remember one story in particular ‘You might end up alone, and that’s ok too’. It really did make me realise that it’s ok to just be me, to live my life without the expectation of ‘meeting someone’.  It made me look at my little boy and realise that our lives aren’t on hold, we are not waiting to get started, we are started, this is our life with or without me finding someone.  For that I thank you.

The day after I proclaimed to my Mum that I was ‘over it’ and that I had accepted that I might never meet someone, and that I was happy with that (this took me a month after reading your article) I was out with my family at a party and this guy walked across the room and smiled at me, and Moxie I swear my tummy flipped, I had the fireworks, the orchestra, the sweaty palms, the whole nine yards! Every cliche my friend had told me!

We have been together for 3 months now (early days I know) but I still get that crazy feeling when I see him.  He’s smart, he’s funny…but he’s short, chunky and bald (every box I didn’t tick on the Match profile options lol)

As heady as this feeling is, and I am looking forward to some romantic times over Christmas, what I really wanted to thank you for is the knowledge that if it doesn’t all work out I’ll be fine, if he turns out to be a douche I’ll live, if he isn’t the one it doesn’t matter, I am the one and only I can make me happy. I like making him happy, but I now get that a man does not have to be the be all and end all of my life.

Thank You

Chloe xxx
Age: 35
City: London
State: UK

 

This is fantastic news and a great early Christmas gift. I’m very happy for you.

In other news, I started therapy this week. It was eye-opening, for sure.

It had been a long time since I'd been to therapy.  With everything that had happened this year I knew I had to go back. I filled out all the required paperwork and handed the doctor back his clip board.

"So, on the phone you said you were a writer. What do you write about?"

"Dating" I said.

"Oh really? What sort of stuff do you write?"

"Uh, you know. Personal memoir, op-ed type stuff. I also write an advice column."

"A column? Is it a weekly thing? What's it called?"

"And That's Why You're Single" I replied.

He let out a laugh. "Actually, some of my clients have mentioned your column."

"Oh."

Awkward.

I was dating a psychiatrist at one point this fall/winter and asked him if that should concern me. He said no, that it would only be a problem if you and he had someone in common. I’m still feeling him out, so we’ll see. The last therapist that was referred to me ended up being one of my Facebook friends, so this doesn’t seem weird to me. But still, I have to see how the next couple sessions go.

Share
Posted by at

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)