And That's Why You're Single

Are You Someone’s Break In Case of Emergency Lay?

Posted: 05 Dec 2013 06:29 AM PST

Name: Red
Comment: Dear Moxie,

I know you've touched on the topic of dating multiple people, but what happens when you get past the first couple of dates? I'm trying to follow your advice about not getting too far ahead of myself or putting all my eggs in one basket, but I'm curious as to your thoughts about how a scenario like this could play out.

So here's my situation:

I met Guy #1 in early September and we went on five dates over the course of three weekends because he travels for work during the week. I was pretty taken with him, until The Fade after our last date. He kinda fell off the grid, and I didn't see him for almost two months, although he would check-up sporadically via text. We saw each other again about three weeks ago, because I had an extra football ticket, and was like what the hell! We had a great time, and I saw him a couple of times this past weekend. Ok, so nothing this guy has said or done leads me to believe he wants a serious relationship. There was The Fade, he's still been active online, we haven't had any kind of "relationship" talk, no mention of monogamy or exclusivity. This guy is great, I like him, I like hanging out with him, and I'd like to keep him in my life as a good friend (because that's what our relationship feels like. Very friendly and casual). So I don't think it would hurt his feels if I were to say, "Hey, I can't hook up with you anymore because I'm going to start dating someone." But, of course, my romantic-comedy addled brain has him confessing his never-ending love any day now.

Enter Guy #2, who I met about 1 ½ weeks ago and we're about to go on our fourth date this Friday. I know, I know, four dates means nothing, but I'm super excited about him and definitely don't want to cut things off before we even get started. Again, no mention of relationships or exclusivity. Again, great guy.

I like both guys, and I could easily see myself dating either (is that bad?) At what point do I need to make a decision? Or do I just wait it out until one of them brings it up or one of the relationships fizzle? Pro/con lists? At what point does this stop being fun/exciting and start being deceitful?

Both guys are older (29 and 31) so we all should be able to communicate and handle things like mature, responsible adults, and I still want to be respectful and aware of everyone's feelings.
Age: 25
City: Knoxville
State: TN

The first guy already made the decision for you. He’s not interested in dating you seriously. You’re right, it’s not going to hurt his feels if you eventually stop sleeping with him, as he’s probably already sleeping with other people. So casually date them both. If you become serious with one of them and decide to be exclusive, you tell the other person. Easy peasy. This is not the conundrum you are make it out to be.

You’re not being deceitful unless you’re promising something that you can’t deliver. So don’t promise anything. You also shouldn’t hedge your bets for too long hoping Guy #1 is going to declare his love for you.

It’s fine to maintain a casual relationship with someone while you look for a relationship. But it’s probably better if whomever you choose to casually date/hook-up with be someone that you don’t wish to be serious with somewhere down the road. At the very least, you need to know where you stand with that person. If you can’t achieve any of those goals, then you have to be able to accept the possibility that the relationship might never go anywhere terribly serious, stay detached and keep your options open. You like Guy #1. That’s clear. But he’s pretty much shown you with his actions that he can take you or leave you. Yet, as you admit, you’re still hoping he’ll one day want to become serious.

I think the wise thing to do here is to distance yourself from Guy #1 entirely and focus on Guy #2. If this were a situation where you were dating two viable relationship candidates, I would tell you something similar. Eventually you’ll have to choose should you want a commitment. If you’re looking for a relationship, it’s unwise to keep someone around that you know will never be able to give you that. As you can see, Guy #1 is already becoming a distraction. That’s why you need to cut him loose. You’re considering Guy #1 as though he has potential and it doesn’t sound like he does. He was doing what you’re doing. In those two months where you didn’t see him, he was probably dating someone else that he liked better. The texts and check-ins were just moderate time investment to keep you around just in case. The difference is that he didn’t think twice about stepping back and focusing on that other person.

That’s what you need to do.

Attract Girls Now

Thursday, December 5, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

And That's Why You're Single

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