And That's Why You're Single

Is It Better To Be Friends Before Lovers?

Posted: 08 Dec 2013 02:43 PM PST

Name: Merdeilleux Chainsaw
Comment: Friends first?

I’ve taken two different approaches to dating -
The first, where things are very casual, little to no expectations. We get to know each other over a longer period of time and then decide to date. (Typical for real world/friend of friends)
The second is approach the first meeting/date with an expectation of continue to date or end it there (this is typical for online)

The former is preferable, but rarer and takes more time.

The latter (so far unsuccessful) seems to rush everything (like a choose your own adventure book – some maybe too young for that reference) but it seems like at the end of every date there is a question: “Continue? Y/N?”

Is it possible to meld the two? I feel the pace of the online world doesn’t allow for #1 to take place…
Age: 38
City: Toronto
State: Ontario

Judging by your username, I’m going to assume that you’re someone who prefers to develop a friendship with someone first, and then see if it can progress into something romantic.

I’ll be honest and say that when I read profiles that state that the man is looking for friends and maybe more, or looking to become friends with someone before they date, I pass them by. It’s not friending, it’s dating. If you want friends, go make friends.

There’s something off to me about people who wish to take this approach to online and offline dating. It’s very special snowflakey to me. It suggests an ambivalence or fear of rejection and intimacy. That’s baggage I don’t wish to deal with. I think someone is setting themselves up for a lot of frustration is they hope to meet other people willing to go this route. Someone would have to be really invested in a person to move at this sort of snail’s pace.

As I’ve said many times now, dating has become a fast and intensified process. There really isn’t much room for baby steps anymore. Either you want to date or you don’t. Seeking friends first, to me, says, “I’m not ready to handle a relationship or engage in the things involved with having a romantic partnership.” It also makes me think those people are just looking for attention or an ego stroke.

Saying that you want to be friends first sounds acceptable and reasonable. When a guy says it, women often think it’s really sweet and cool that he’s not all about the sex. When a woman says it, a lot of men assume that she’s just looking for free meals with no sexual reciprocation. The only guys who would be interested in this kind of arrangement would be men with few options.

I’m not really sure that the friends first set-up is all that plausible now.

What do you guys think?

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Sunday, December 8, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

And That's Why You're Single

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