And That's Why You're Single

How Does She Stop Being Attracted To Bad Boys?

Posted: 26 Dec 2013 06:35 AM PST

Name: Steph
Comment: Hi Moxie,

I love your advice. Do you have any advice for women who are perpetually interested in the wrong type of guys (i.e. bad boys, guys who just want sex, etc.)?

I really want to change my type. I am looking for a relationship, but I find that I am never interested in guys who would actually make good boyfriend material (nice guys who want to date me). Instead, I like “bad boys”.

Here’s my current situation (I find myself in this position a lot): I am currently seeing two guys (both via OKC). Let’s call them Guy A and Guy B. They are both in their early 30s, and I am 28. I have gone out on 4 dates so far with each of these guys. I view them as equals in many ways: equally handsome, equally interesting, equally good jobs, etc. The real difference is in their personalities and approach to dating me.

Guy A is aggressive and dominant. I am extremely [sexually] attracted to him. After I gave him my phone number through OKC, he kept trying to set up a same day meeting (texting me around 7pm/8pm on a weekday asking if I was free that night). I was never free that same night, so after his third attempt at this, I suggested we set something up a few days in the future, so we made plans to meet a few nights later for drinks. The date went well – we talked for a few hours, kissed goodbye, and parted ways. Our second date he tried to schedule just like the first (same day meeting for drinks), and I again told him I needed a few days notice. We had our second date (drinks again), and I slept with him after that (which was phenomenal). Our third and fourth dates he scheduled a day in advance, and they basically went the same way (drinks followed by sex). This guy will send me the occasional text between dates (mostly something boring like “what’s up” or “how’s work”), but we don’t have much between date communication otherwise. He’s also attempted to get me to see him late at night last minute (I acquiesced once – met up for a quick drink and then had sex with him; I said I was busy the other times as I was either exhausted or not in the mood).

I fully recognize that Guy A does not want anything serious with me. He just wants sex.

Guy B is more of a reserved (and a bit shy) guy. Our first date (drinks) he planned a week in advance. Our second through fourth dates (drinks, dinner, and a concert, respectively), he asked me out for at least several days in advance. We have some contact between dates which I really enjoy – he’ll strike up interesting conversations with me on timely news topics, send me funny videos or blogs, etc (way more substantive convos versus Guy A). I’ve made out with Guy B, but that’s it – he really hasn’t attempted anything else.

I legitimately, truthfully view Guy B as being just as handsome as Guy A (in fact, I think a lot of women would be partial to Guy B’s looks). But I am waaay more sexually attracted to Guy A because of his aggressive personality and (probably) because he doesn’t want anything from me besides sex. He’s impossible to get, and I like that. I think deep down, it’s my goal to reform a guy like Guy A – get him to commit to me. I want what is hard to get (Guy A). Guy B I believe is looking for a relationship and is interested in me, which inherently makes him less appealing to me.

I can intellectually understand my predicament here, but that doesn’t seem to have any effect on my heart – I still like Guy A way more.

Any advice for me? How can I change the type of guy I’m interested in?
Age: 29
City: New York
State: New York

It sounds like you answered your own question. You like guy A because the sex is great and because he’s unavailable. So the question isn’t why you like bad boys. The question is why you prefer unavailable guys. What is it about these guys that is so appealing to so many women? You hit on one key part of the attraction. You like the idea of being able to convert Guy A. Despite the fact that you know you probably won’t, you still hope against hope that you will. He’s a challenge. You like a challenge. That’s where you should start. Why do you like a guy who is a challenge?

From my experience, I pursued the unavailable guy because I needed to prove something to myself. I needed to convince myself that I possessed something that other women didn’t. All of it was rooted in low self-esteem and a need to compete with other women, of course. Neither of which ever ends well. Comparing yourself to other women will lead you down a very self-destructive path. You’ll never feel good enough. You will also fall into that trap of comparing someone else’s outsides to your insides. Boooooo. Being able to tame a bad boy comes with bragging rights. We like the idea of trotting this guy out and showing him off, because we think it says something about us and that it elevates us above our female peers.

You’re lukewarm about Guy B because you know you have him. There is no challenge. You will not convert him in any way. Which means you won’t get the twisted sense of pride and satisfaction that many of us get when we can lock down a guy who, up to that point, prefers to be untethered.

You need to determine why it’s so important to you to convert these unavailable men. It’s not the most fun of personal journeys, but I guarantee you it will result in you gaining a better insight into yourself and why you make the romantic choices you do. That’s where it all starts. It starts with you. But once you get through it – and you will – you’ll be a lot happier. You won’t feel like you’re giving something up for choosing the Guy B’s that we all meet.

Attract Girls Now

Thursday, December 26, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

And That's Why You're Single

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