And That's Why You're Single

Posted: 24 Dec 2013 05:50 AM PST

Just wanted to wish you all Happy Holidays. Thank you so much for being part of my life.

It’s a rough time of year for some single folks. I’m not ashamed to admit that this is the first holiday season in many years where I’ve actually felt the pangs of loneliness and isolation. It’s been a struggle this year, for sure. But things are looking up.

So, what are your plans for the holidays? New Year’s Eve?

Here’s something I wrote for Role/Reboot. I’m going to repost it here:

It's that time of year again. Over the next few weeks you'll be invited to parties or forced to socialize with people you can only barely tolerate once a year, let alone every day at work. A lot of single people feel a bit of trepidation about having to attend these gatherings and functions. Their greatest concern? Having to field questions about their love lives. Some of these inquiries come from well-meaning family members. Others come from socially inept noseybodies. Regardless of the source, just the thought of having to respond to these queries leaves them wanting to take off for Cancun for two weeks or feign influenza and stay home.

The idea of "single-shaming" has become a thing lately. I'm not sure I totally buy into this concept. My personal belief is that people who get offended by certain lines of questioning are struggling to reconcile their own feelings of being single. With that in mind, let's kick-off this list of tips for successfully getting through the holidays without bitch slapping anybody with this:

Be honest with yourself – Are you as comfortable being single as you think? It's perfectly okay to fake it 'til you make it, as they say. But be sure to acknowledge how you truly feel about not being in a relationship. Doing so will help alleviate the chances that you feel attacked or judged by common questions that arise at your typical holiday get together. It's okay to feel lonely or even sad. Allow yourself to feel however you want to feel. Just don't let yourself wallow.

Don't take it personally – Sometimes people don't know what to say when making conversation. A lot of people see dating as a safe topic. They have no idea what a hot button that can be for some singles. Other people, like maybe your parents or grandparents, just want you to be happy. They want to know you have someone to look after you. As old-fashioned and annoying as that might sound, remember that it's probably coming from a good place.

Take a step back from the internet – Between Thanksgiving and New Year's Eve there are a slew of articles declaring the holidays as some kind of war on single people. Don't take everything at face value. Yes, you might encounter that one person at that dinner or party who asks if you're dating anybody. You won't be put in a room and drilled with questions for hours on end. I happen to think that a big reason why the holidays have become so stressful for many single people is that we (and the internet) have made this into a bigger thing than it actually is.

Learn how to lie – You heard me correctly. Lying is your friend in situations like these. It doesn't have to be a masterfully crafted story. It just needs to be brief and not involve too many details.

Turn the question back on them – If you watch celebrity interviews, you can see how masterful some of them are at giving a brief answer and then re-directing the question back on the interviewer. Here's an example:

Q: Are you dating anyone?

A: I've had a couple of dates with someone, but I don't want to jinx it. You know how that is, right?

Here's another example:

Q: "So, let's catch up. Are you seeing anybody?"

A: "Yes/No. What about you?" Many people ask these questions as an excuse to talk about themselves. So give them one.

Now that we've covered how to navigate the potentially awkward conversation you might have, let's touch on how to get through the holidays solo. For some people, being single this time of year is a blessing. They don't have to suffer through awkward office Christmas parties standing by their partner's side. Nor are they forced under the microscope while attending dinner at their significant other's parent's house. Talk about stress.

But for others, the loneliness they sometimes feel gets exacerbated. They're assaulted with commercials depicting couples exchanging gifts. They can't log on to Facebook or Twitter without seeing update after update from coupled up folks chatting about engagements and dates and travel plans. It's almost impossible to totally avoid that slight twinge of jealousy or sadness when it seems like you're constantly being reminded that you're single.

I'll tell you a little secret that I've learned throughout my years of writing about dating. December is a fantastic time to be dating online. There are tons of people looking for someone to kiss at midnight on New Year's Eve. That kind of extra motivation makes people a little more motivated and less flakey. Next time you're at home liking yet another photo of your friend's engagement ring that she has posted 3 separate times at 3 different angles, close that window and open a new one. Type in OKCupid.com and create a profile. At the very least, dating online will allow you to take some control and provide you with the chance to connect with other people. As much as you may want to self-isolate, don't allow yourself to do so for too long.

While you've got that browser open, do a search for networking groups in your area. Meetup.com is a great place to start. As someone who organizes events for singles I can tell you that December is our busiest time of year. Single people are more fired up than ever to get out there and mingle. Why not join them?

Not feeling it? That's okay. Sometimes it's wise to take some time for yourself and decompress. If that's the route you wish to choose, may I make one tiny suggestion? Watch "Love, Actually." Witnessing that little boy run through the airport as he tries to catch his crush before she leaves forever just so he can tell her how he feels gets me every time. Every single time. Here's a kid who has already suffered a profound loss when his mother dies earlier that year. Yet he still wants to risk that pain again by declaring his love for a girl he knows is going to leave. Think about that the next time you feel like curling up at home and giving up on dating forever. Oh, and then there’s this:

It's so tempting to shut down, especially during the holiday season. But it's important to maintain perspective. You are not the only single person on the planet at that given moment. I know it feels like that's the case, but it's not. Don't let your mind play tricks on you. It's just a few weeks. You'll get through it.

Attract Girls Now

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

And That's Why You're Single

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