Sunday, December 22, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

And That's Why You're Single

Why is Online Dating So Full of Faders & Ghosts?

Posted: 22 Dec 2013 01:17 PM PST


Name: Carmidatingonlinewoman
Comment: So I joined OkCupid in hopes of finding someone who shared the same interests and ideals as I do. I gave up with dating in the real world as I had endured so many terrible guys and experiences, and so my friends suggested to check it out online as a couple of them have had successful relationship from online dating.

So I finally got the balls to go ahead and create a profile with a picture included and a pretty full profile for my potential suitors to read. Within a day there had been good and bad (but mainly bad)suitors messaging me. Then came along this one guy- we had a great match percentage and he introduced himself in a way that included my interests (not to mention he was easy on the eyes).

We engaged in messaging back and forth for about two weeks, our messages had become like mini essays and he always responded the same day.
On our last correspondence he asked for my number as he wanted to talk more regularly. He also left me really lovely compliments and I was pretty sure he seemed like a great guy that I would be more than happy to meet up with as we had learnt so much about each other. Due to work, I was unable to reply the same day and didn’t get round to it until the evening after. I gave my details and waited like a lost puppy dog for him to get in contact.

It’s been a month and I have heard nothing from him.

I just want to understand why exactly? I never got in contact with him again as I felt foolish. I am just really confused; he initiated the messages with me, he asked for my number to talk to me more regularly. I just responded and then he stopped cold and was never heard from again. Any insight and perspective into this would be greatly appreciated as I can’t help but wonder why?
Many thanks in advance
Age: 23
City: London
State: Chelsea

 

Let’s back up a bit. Here’s a question for you:

Does it make sense that this guy who appeared to invest so much effort into communicating with you would suddenly, out of the blue, just lose interest?

Probably not, right?

So either one of two things happened. Either he felt you were hesitant because of the delay in your response OR he was never that interested in the first place. One way to find out is to reach out to him and try to reconnect. If he doesn’t reply, then you know which option I just gave best fits this scenario.

I’m starting to sound a bit like a broken record with some of these points. Someone who engages in weeks worth of chats with no attempt to meet offline is a likely Fade/Flake candidate.

It is very tempting to stick with the electronic relationship. It’s free attention and requires very little risk. It’s also nice to think that there is someone out there thinking about you. Everybody likes to feel like they matter to someone. Receiving those messages and hearing the compliments can fill a certain void that a lot of single men and women feel. The problem with that is that you become reliant upon it. You convince yourself that whatever it is that you and the person on the other end of the internet connection is special and real. In most cases, it’s not. It’s just a way for someone to pass the time or have some kind of girlfriend/boyfriend experience.

The other problem that occurs is that people develop such a feeling of familiarity with their pen pal that they fear that maybe they will be rejected once they take things off line. They put off meeting face to face because they’re scared the reality won’t match the fantasy.

I always bristle when I hear these stories of people meeting someone online and carrying on some kind of e-love affair complete with verbose emails and compliments. Maybe I’m a cynic, but I just don’t feel that kind of interest from someone I’ve never met is genuine or healthy. There’s something off about it to me. I would wonder why would someone I’ve never met seem this interested. I would also question why it took someone two weeks, after several days of messages, to get on the phone. This guy, to me, sounds like he just wasn’t capable or comfortable with taking things to the next level. If he feels that way about speaking on the phone, then imagine the difficulty involved with getting him to meet you in person.

The Fade is a staple of online dating. It sucks and it’s confusing and disheartening, but anybody utilizing a dating site in the hopes of meeting someone special has to get used to it. We’ve covered the reasons why people fade before. Either they’re putting off meeting you because they fear rejection or they were never all that invested from the beginning.

People who want to meet people do just that. They don’t sit online. They make plans to meet. Keep at it, but move to meeting up in person much sooner. Don’t spend weeks communicating via email or text. The longer you wait, the less likely you will actually meet.

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