And That's Why You're Single

Posted: 25 Apr 2014 05:55 AM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): LM
Comment: How do you know if a guy is taking you seriously, or just biding his time until something elso comes along? I’ve been spending my time with a guy for a little over a year. We would meet up then go our separate ways. Then I started sleeping over a lot. Almost every night. Here is how things are now: we spend 3-4 nights a week together. Our sex life is amazing, but we rarely go out. Until recently we didn’t go out at all. I had to tell him I wanted to go out several times before we actually did. Admittedly his budget didn’t allow for much until recently.

He won’t say that we are in a relationship, but he says he loves me. (note: it took him an entire year before he uttered those words even though I’d said them months before.) He recently got a house- within a month of being there he had cleared out closet space for me, and I have a shelf in his bathroom. He talks to me about decisions with his business and respects my opinion about things.(regular, in-depth conversation only started to become a regular thing a month or two ago. Before we only had small-talk or blow-out arguments.) My biggest issue is the fact that he won’t call me his girlfriend. I care deeply for him, but would like to eventually get married and he won’t even commit to this actually being a relationship. I am very confused. Is this something real that is just moving very slowly, or am I just a temporary companion to him?
Age: 25
City: Birmingham
State: Alabama

It’s become a trend around here for people to come to me with their concerns and confusions hoping that I will be able to tell them what they want to hear so that they don’t have to broach the conversation or make a decision for themselves. If you don’t feel you can bring up certain topics with someone you’re involved with, then that should speak volumes to you about how tenuous that relationship is.

I don’t have an answer for you. Only he can give you that. To me, it sounds like he’s making tiny little gestures in order to accommodate you, but has no intention of actually taking the leap and saying, “Yes. Let’s do this. We’re together.” You said it yourself. He won’t even commit to being in a relationship with you. You have your answer. Now all you have to do is talk to him to get confirmation that your suspicions either are or are not unfounded. I can’t do that for you.

Just because he says he loves you doesn’t mean he does. Anybody can say I Love You. I met up with an ex recently. We have a history. This wasn’t somebody I dated for a month or two. This was someone who was in my life off and on for quite some time. He asked me to meet him for a drink. I complied. We talked. We mended fences. He repeated back to me stuff I had written, knew all about what was going on in my family including the death of an uncle I mentioned once a year and a half ago. He copped to reading this site, and I know he still does. (So, hi.) He told me that he often thought of me or was reminded of me when he saw certain things. And then he said he loved me. He continued to say it all night.

Here’s the thing. He doesn’t love me. People have a tendency to romanticize certain situations, even bad ones. I love you is a nice thing to say in the moment. I love you is often a bumper used to soften the tone or the mood. In those instances I love you serves as filler.

OP, you’re clinging to the words and gestures coming from this man because you want to. If he loved you – truly loved you – he wouldn’t hesitate to make things official. That’s what true love is about. True love involves sacrifice and leaps of faith pushing ourselves out of our comfort zones. This guy doesn’t seem to be doing any of that. He’s just saying the words because he probably knows you want to hear them. He can’t give you what you actually want, which is a commitment, so he’s giving you what he believes is the next best thing – I Love You.

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