And That's Why You're Single |
| Online Dating Rule #1: Not Everybody You Message With Is Actually Interested Posted: 27 Apr 2014 03:02 PM PDT Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Penny : Most recently I saw a guy I liked the look of on POF (which is rare) and I added him to my favourites. He sent me a message almost instantly and I was pretty damn pleased! After a couple of messages he said he had to dash but gave me his email address so I said I’d respond to him via email then. I didn’t understand this request really but since I didn’t mind too much I did it anyway. I got a reply from him at something like 4am the next day obviously having been out and I sent him a response later that morning. I then didn’t hear back. I waited a couple of days, saw he’d been online and emailed him to say I was sorry if I’d offended him and wished him luck in his search. Later that night he emails me saying I didn’t offend him but he’d been really busy with a friend visiting and that he fully intends to reply and meet up for a drink. I left it for around 24 hours, nothing more from him so I sent another simple message saying it was fine. He replied like 10 mins later saying it might be easier to chat via sms and asked for my number and gave me his. Again, why is texting easier than email?? I again waited till the next day and I said ok and gave him my number. He then responded a one liner about it being sexy getting my number. A couple more one liners back and forth and 2 days later and he hasn’t even texted me. I don’t know what this guy’s deal is. Surely he realises I’m going to lose interest if he doesn’t make a plan to meet up with me? And if he’s not interested in me, why is he dragging things out? I’m so confused. I would have liked to have met him just to see but he’s showing an extreme lack of interest and follow through. I don’t know whether to give him a break and wait it out or just forget him and ignore any further communication from him. I’m not sure why or how someone loses interest so quickly but yet still sends flirty one liners and takes more than a day to do even that. Also, even though it seems a little stalkerish I decided to check his logins and he has logged into the site frequently and for long periods of time but yet doesn’t have time to talk to me much…? I know the guy probably isn’t bothered about meeting me, I just don’t get why that changed so quickly. Also, I deleted my profile because I just got tired of it all.
He didn’t lose interest. He just never really had it. You’re assuming that, because you’re interested, he must be interested, too. To people like him, texts and flirty one-liners take the most minimal of effort. To you, because you don’t respond to many people, those gestures have meaning and value. There’s your disconnect. This guy would have faded sooner and you probably would have been less perplexed had you not re-engaged him. I’m not sure why you sent him an apology or what you were even apologizing for, but doing that made you vulnerable. That apology email said, “I care too much about this.” To the wrong person, that’s the brightest of all red flags. Someone just looking for dirty talk or a sexy pic exchange will jump on the chance to exploit someone’s vulnerability. You’re way too invested in this guy. That’s the main problem here. One of most important things about online dating to know is that not everybody who responds to you is actually all that interested. You’re hanging on to this because you don’t often meet guys online that you like. You know, because you’re picky and have such high standards. Forgive the sarcasm. I guess I’m wondering why, if you’re so selective, you keep meeting men who behave this way. To me, “I’m really picky” in this context usually means, “I shoot way out of my league.” That would explain why these men keep flaking. They have enough options that you are quickly relegated to C-List. It’s harsh to hear, I know, but it’s a common way to interact online. Men and women both do this. They keep their options open hoping someone “better” will come along. That or they join these sites strictly to get off via sexting or the like and will leap at any attention they get in order to wank it to a pic of boobies.. Dating sites are full of people like this. Want to avoid them? Well, first get off the cesspool that is Plenty of Fish. Second, start being honest with yourself about what you can pull without an unreasonable amount of effort. The scenario you detail sounds needlessly convoluted. You’re taking a day to respond, he’s taking a day to respond. Jesus. Just respond! Stop trying to play it cool. There’s no time for that anymore. Also gone are the days where we could afford to expect someone to go out of their way to demonstrate just how genuinely they interested in us without ever having even met us. All we are is a collection of photos and some words. We are not a three dimensional being to them. If someone emails you and you like their profile and they don’t appear to be just sliding by in the effort department, then reply to them. Don’t sit there and wait for them to list out all the things about you – a thumbnail – that speaks to them. You don’t have to respond to the people who just say, “hi” but you do need to account for the fact that online dating is a exhausting and cumbersome process for many. You’re not the only one disabling your profile in a huff.
  
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