And That's Why You're Single |
| Don’t Plant Your Flag On Planet I’m Better Than You Just Yet Posted: 26 Apr 2014 06:21 AM PDT A post on The Frisky yesterday got a number of people up in arms, and for good reason. The author is engaged to a men she met while in Paris. They dated trans-atlantically for about 4 months and then got engaged. The man has a 4 year old daughter from a previous marriage. At the time that they met, the man was legally separated. He may or may not have been legally divorced at the time they got engaged. I have no idea. With stories like these many authors sometimes understandably leave out pertinent details so as not to arouse suspicion or judgment. I guess they split their time between NYC and Paris. In any case, they’re getting married. The four year old daughter is not allowed at the ceremony or reception.
There were various angles to this story that upset commenters. But for me, the true gut punch was the idea that her fiancee’s daughter – her soon-to-be-stepdaughter - may and likely will eventually read this article. In any case, this Frisky story stuck with me all through yesterday afternoon and into the night. All I could think about was how that little girl was going to feel in a few years when she read it, especially if the author and she had developed and affection for each other or bonded. My therapist recently suggested that, instead of dismissing thoughts of my step-mother and what she did to my sisters and I, I should instead continue the thought. Apparently I’m doing damage to myself but constantly shutting off thoughts and emotions and they are interfering with my relationship(s). (Another story to come soon.) See that picture? That’s my Dad and my step-mother. It was taken a week before he went in for surgery. Creepily enough, the person to my Dad’s right is my late sister. It’s strange to look at that photo and realize that all three of them passed, one right after the other, in such a short time. I look at this picture of my step-mother and I feel nothing. I don’t feel sad. I don’t feel angry. I feel numb. For those not in the know, the story goes as follows: my Dad died, no will was found, all of his assets with the exception of one piece of property were in both his and my step-mother’s names. That included bank accounts, cars, houses, etc. My step-mother, as his spouse, automatically inherited the entirety of his estate, aside from the trusts he set up for my sisters and I. When she wrote up her will a month after my Dad died, she made the decision to leave everything to her three sons, with explicit instruction that we – my father’s biological daughters – were not to receive any of it. At a oncologist’s appointment shortly after she made this decision, it was relayed to us by that doctor (she and my sister shared an oncologist) that my step-mother told the doctor of her decision and said, “The girls aren’t going to like that.” (Note: I actually have to pause for a moment because I feel myself getting upset just typing that.) So, she was aware of what she did. I had tried to excuse her decision because she was dying and didn’t even know it. But, no, she knew what she did. And it appears she was proud of it. (Stopping again!) My step-mother was in my life for 35 years. I didn’t really know my mother, so I bonded with my step-mother quite easily. She was never my mother, but she was always my parent. Those of you who have read this blog for some time remember how often I would praise her and express my admiration for her toughness. My older sister had warned me that she would do this. But I kept saying, “No, she wouldn’t do that. I trust her. She wouldn’t do that.” It’s rare for anybody to call me naive, but that’s exactly what she my sister said. I was thinking like a child. The child who had welcomed my step-mother into my family when my other four sisters were resistant to her presence. She bought me clothes, took me to shop for lip gloss, invited me for coffee and donuts on Saturday mornings when my own sisters couldn’t have been bothered with me. She was my friend. She wouldn’t do that. And then she did. And then I felt like a fool. I’ve been dreaming a lot about rats lately. According to dream interpretation books, these rodents signify an erosion of trust and betrayal. My step-mother and sister figure prominently in these dreams. Always. As does my father, who always stays quiet. He is there, I can see him, I can even touch him, but he never says anything. He just stares at me. His expression is blank. It says, ” Your job is to overcome.” Betrayal cuts me deeper than any emotion I grapple with. Because, see, not only do I have to deal with a broken trust, but I have to accept that I trusted the wrong person, even when people advised me not to. That’s what kills me. That’s why I read this article and all I could wonder was how that little girl was going to feel when she learns that her step-mother saw her as nothing more than baggage and an inconvenience. At 43, I had developed a fairly decent set of coping mechanisms. But what resort will this young woman have at 12 or 14? How will this revelation change her? What if, like me, it breaks her spirit a bit? I’ve long since acknowledged that articles like this are full of bravado. A good friend and writer I greatly admire Betty Ehrenpreis wrote about this story for another side. Her take had to do with the bad habit some of us females have of blaming the Ex or Other Woman when triangles in our relationships arise. To write a post like this, The Frisky author has to be sure that there will be no collateral damage. Which, of course, there will be. But she doesn’t seem to care much about that. She’s got the guy. That’s all she needs. I question any parent who would allow for a story like that to go public. His job is to protect his child at all costs, and he failed spectacularly. Granted, he doesn’t have control over the author. I’m not suggesting that he tell her what to do or that she is obligated to listen. But he should have influence. And she should have the awareness to know that publishing such an article was only going to make things worse, especially when she’s aware that the ex-wife does and has been doing the expected Facebook creeping. It’s one thing to create drama when it’s just the three of you. Adding a child to the mix means you need to put such pettiness aside lest the child end up feeling like she’s being pulled in many directions. There’s this confidence some of us develop that stems from having a man in our life that sometimes causes us to do or say things we would never in a million years have the balls to do or say otherwise. As far as I’m concerned, this writer and the people like her who humblebrag about their newborn marriages and relationships and who subversively condescend to single people, is building herself up for a spectacularly hard fall. The ripple effect of which will stretch wide and be permanent. But I don’t think she’s thinking about that. She’s got the ring, she’s got the guy, therefore nothing else matters. The guy will be her air bag when things crumble. At least, that’s what she thinks. The Frisky author has been with this guy for less than a year, and while some people might disagree, I think that’s a little too soon to be planting her flag on planet I’m Better Than You. But that doesn’t seem to stop people from writing these articles. Neither does the threat of possibly ending up with egg all over their face when the relationship dissolves. Which many do, especially ones with shaky foundations. And thanks to this article, this one is capital “S” shaky. There are a multitude of reasons why I don’t often discuss my love life, the main one being that I hate the idea that a woman can only have opinions on sex and dating and relationship if she has a man in her life to cite as proof that she knows what she’s talking about. The man is what provides value and credibility to her words. I disagree with that, and I happen to think that the idea that I would need a man in my life to have opinions about these topics is inherently sexist and problematic. If there is one thing I am proud of it’s that I have been able to do this for so long while at the same time being perceived as perpetually single. I never want to develop a false sense of confidence due to the presence of a man in my life, because that’s a tenuous grasp to have. Nor do I wish to live my life sucking off the validation or approval of others. I hope that I’ve managed to aptly fill that bottomless need for attention and acceptance I still carry with me. I still have to feed that girl from time to time, of course. But I don’t think she rules me any more. I’m hoping the author of The Frisky post will reconsider her decision to publish that article. At the very least, I hope she gives serious thought to what she’s about to undertake and accept her share of the responsibility for the happiness and well-being of his daughter.
|
| You are subscribed to email updates from And That's Why You're Single® To stop receiving these emails, you may unsubscribe now. | Email delivery powered by Google |
| Google Inc., 20 West Kinzie, Chicago IL USA 60610 | |
No comments:
Post a Comment