And That's Why You're Single

Posted: 15 Apr 2014 04:58 AM PDT

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): G
Comment: Hi,
Hopefully a straight forward question. I don’t feel like I have too many problems meeting people when I’m out and about. I manage to get dates. But to be honest they just go nowhere.

It ranges from a woman showing up and acting totally uninterested and the conversation is like pulling teeth (ok, fair enough, she wasn’t interested, but still I’m not sure why she bothers to go on the date.) to women seemingly having a good time, chatting, laughing, flirting, joking around, whatever… often they’ll even follow up, tell me they had a nice time, initiate a few texts asking how my week’s going or something we had chatted about on the date… I get the impressions they’re all good signs to ask her out again… then nothing. Either a flake or the conversation just dies right there, with no real response. Possibly an “oh yeah, I’m busy that night but maybe another time…” only never to hear from her again.

Ok so… she doesn’t want a 2nd date. She’s not that interested, I get that much. But sometimes when a date *feels* like it went well (because who really knows what the other person is thinking) and they are following up with texts or whatever else… I usually think it’s fair to assume some interest in another date at least but nope… it just goes nowhere.

My question is… I don’t really get it. If you’re just noticing a trend of being able to get dates but them never really leading anywhere then I must be doing *something* wrong. What do you start looking at about yourself to find answers? Everyone has different standards but I don’t think I’m doing or saying anything weird or showing up a mess. If I’m fairly attracted to someone and the first date goes off without any awkward silence, a few laughs and some things to talk about, I figure it’s worth a shot a seeing them again but I don’t really know what other people expect sometimes.

Thoughts?
Age: 28
City: Cambridge
State: MASSACHUSETTS

Here’s my question:

Why are you not asking them out sooner? It sounds like you wait a few days after the initial date and try to take their temperature as to whether or not they’re interested. That’s where you’re going wrong.

If these women are following up with you to tell you they had a good time on the date, they’re doing that to get a second date. If they weren’t interested, they wouldn’t bother. They’re likely bailing because they’re waiting for you to ask them out again. Then, when you don’t after a series of hints from them, they assume you’re playing a game and they bail. You’re 28 and dating in a big city. You don’t have the luxury of hesitating. The women you date are in great demand. They’re getting plenty of dates. They don’t have to wait around for you.

“But, they could ask me out!” you say. Yep. They could. And frankly I think they should as long as they didn’t originally ask you the man out. My personal feeling is that each person in a couple should both meet the other half-way starting with the first date. That way they can each demonstrate that they are equal partners in the relationship.

I know. I’m adorable.

That email thanking someone for the first date needs to go out within 24 hours. Sooner, really. It’s a mark against you if it doesn’t. To the single women reading, if you’re not comfortable explicitly asking someone out, then you can say something like, “I had a great time. Hope we can do it again.” You need to make your interest in getting together again clear.

Dating now really doesn’t afford people the ability to stand on principle or follow out dated gender roles. Forget about what men are “supposed” to do and what women are “supposed” to do. Also get rid of the idea that men and women are supposed to act a certain way. The idea of what constitutes feminine and masculine are changing, and we need to change with that movement or become extinct.

I’m still not terribly thrilled with women asking men out for the first date, but I’m not sure how much longer I can hold out on that one. If you like someone, you need to make a move. People need to be stating their interest rather than sitting back and waiting. There’s just no time for that anymore. That’s what’s going on with you, G. You’re waiting too long.

The days of expecting people to pass tests and jump through hoops are gone. You either need to take the leap or step aside and let someone else more bold than you have a shot.

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Tuesday, April 15, 2014