And That's Why You're Single

Are You Really As Special As You Think You Are?

Posted: 03 Oct 2013 02:32 PM PDT

Name: Amira

Comment: Is it normal to measure yourself based on your boyfriends dating past? I feel very unnerved by dating anyone whose dating past looks significantly different from mine. I have never been one to date a lot of people and I selected my boyfriends the way people select fruit at the grocery store – making sure I pick only the best ones for me. When I have dated guys who had a few relationships in the past there was no problem, I can respect that they dated women they chose for solid reasons/qualities, the same way I did with men. I feel weird (insecure? undesirable?) when I date someone whose selection process was different, when they dated lots of girls or dated very different types of girls. I dont understand and I cant relate to their decision making process or how I feel about being chosen by them now. I feel like I want to be chosen the way I choose – carefully selected and picked because this person is special and stands out from the bunch, not just one in a long list of merely satisfactory choices. If he dated 50 girls before me, what makes #51 any different or more likely to be special? Isnt he just grouping me with all of them? Is there another way to see this that doesnt always leave me feeling insulted?
Age: 25
City: Toronto
State: ON

I think you’re over-thinking this. I also think you’re gathering way too much data.

It’s normal to want to feel special. But it sounds like you want to feel extra-special. You’re free to have whatever process that works for you when selecting partners. But just because someone else doesn’t do the same amount of ground work does not mean they’re of lower quality or that they don’t think highly enough of you.

At your age, it’s typical for people to experiment. You can’t really put a cap on attraction and say that if someone likes X they shouldn’t be into Y. That’s not how it works. It doesn’t speak negatively of someone because they don’t have a laundry list of must haves in a partner. For some, it’s pretty simple. They just want someone nice who is fun to be around and that they find attractive. I would say that that’s what most men care about. Most of them aren’t caught up in where she went to school or whether or not she’s as intellectual or cultured as he is. People like that want to date carbon copies of themselves and think they’re so unique that they should be paired with someone on their level.

That you even know the romantic histories of the men you date tells me you’re digging for information. Seriously. Stop doing that. Few men want to date women like that. You’re vetting them in the wrong way. You shouldn’t care about their past and how many partners or lovers they had. None of that is necessarily indicative of anything. What matters is how they treat you. You’re spending so much time deconstructing these guys that you’re probably not getting to know them.

This all comes down to your ego. You want to feel like you’re better than other women. That’s really what the crux of this is. You spend an inordinate amount of time comparing yourself to other women, and that’s a dark path you’re heading down. The truth is that you’re probably not. Few of us are. Most men don’t take the approach to finding a partner as you do. They try on various women. If it fits, it fits. And bit fits I mean she’s attractive, likes sex, and is pleasant. Pretty simple, right? They don’t care about pedigree. They care about degree of difficulty. And you? Sound difficult.

Maybe you’re special. More than likely, you aren’t. You’re probably not as different or unique as you think you are. That’s not a criticism. That’s a reality slap.

This isn’t about the guys. This is a you problem. Not a them problem.

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Posted: 03 Oct 2013 04:11 AM PDT

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Thursday, October 3, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

And That's Why You're Single

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