And That's Why You're Single |
| When Men Look At You, Do They Think Sex or Girlfriend? Posted: 27 Oct 2013 02:09 PM PDT Name: Brandee The first guy I decided to “date” threw up some red-flags so I did some research and he ended up having a second life, which included a wife. Since then, I dated another guy who admitted he was in love with his ex-girlfriend still and, although I was great…I was not his “ex”. I’ve had a couple of guy friends who had expressed interest but they all have girlfriends or wives and this disturbs me! I have not been trying to find a relationship. I am still trying to let my heart heal. However, it bothers me that the only men who seem to be interested in me are unavailable or people that I would never consider. I have a good job, I am finishing college, I do not think that I am unattractive. I am a very friendly person and I get along with virtually everyone. I am really becoming discouraged and having a hard time trusting friends/men in general lately because of these experiences. These experiences are also making me look at myself in a different light. The kind of woman that I would assume would knowingly participate in some of this behavior is not what I thought I projected at all! What gives? One of the reasons you’re attracting these men is because you come off vulnerable. While I tend to believe that these guys will hit on any woman in their radius, if it happens frequently then you’re giving off a vibe. I don’t understand why women act so perplexed about this and take such a passive role. Well, I do understand why they take a passive role. They don’t wish to be seen as the woman who flirts with men who are taken. They want5 to be the woman who is thought of as honoring some phony “girl code.” Here’s why I don’t date or sleep with married men: because I couldn’t live with the guilt and fear of getting caught. Not because I wouldn’t want to stab another woman in the back. Unavailable men are way more trouble than they’re worth and always end up treating you like you’re disposable while they try to figure out how to muster up the balls to get out of their dead-end relationships. If even your friends are propositioning you, then I have to question your judgment and standards by which you choose friends. That revelation is telling, as it says that you allow people into your life who would see you as a side dish. If you’re friends are doing it, then it’s no wonder random men are doing it. So you need to start being more selective about whom you befriend and with whom you interact. We all project something. Weakness, fear, sexuality, anger. The problem is when we are unaware of what vibes we are putting out there. There are two types of vibes that draw the unavailable men: the “I’m a wounded bird who wants to be loved and doesn’t know how to trust” vibe and the “I like to f*ck so let’s do this” vibe. The latter is better than the former, but it’s still draws the wrong people. Which is why it needs to be honed to, “I like to f*ck so let’s do this but don’t you dare think you’re fooling me with your bullshit” vibe. That tends to scare off the more manipulative, weak and dishonest guys aka the ones who are unavailable or disingenuous. When guys looking to cheat or use women realize that there’s work involved and that they can’t get by with trite lines and phony compliments, they tend to back away. Right now, Brandee, I think you’re letting in the wrong people. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t good ones out there. You can’t lose faith in humanity. You just have to be more selective and aware. Those guys you initially think are nice? Ask yourself what about them makes them so nice. What is drawing you to them? Is it their personality and charm? Then that’s probably where you’re taking a bad turn. Look for honor and character. Look for consistency and follow through. Don’t be afraid to say no and walk away. That, above everything else, is crucial. You may be letting people in out of a fear of not having options or being alone. Don’t let that rule you. Buckle up, kids. I’m about to go on a disjointed tangent. This has been on my mind lately. I get introspective in days like this. There are some of us (men and women) who are considered relationship material, and there are others who aren’t. This is all based on the messages we send in our conversations. I do not radiate girlfriend. I’m usually assumed to be the woman who either just wants sex or isn’t looking for anything serious. That used to baffle me until I started to realize that that’s exactly what I put out there. Between my personality and my body, men look at me and see sex. Well, sexy. Not girlfriend, not wife, not mother. So now I understand why so many unavailable in one way or another man used to hit on me. (Mind you, that doesn’t mean they thought I was attractive.) I put that out there, most of the time without even saying a word or realizing it. I would rather men see me that way than see me vulnerable and weak. For me, sex/sexy equates to strength and dominance. Maybe that’s what’s safe for me. I’m not afraid to let a man see me vulnerable, he just has to earn that right.I also see no shame in enjoying sex, casual or otherwise. I’m sure some will posit that that, in and of itself, is why I’m not married. Posit away. I like sex. Sometimes I prefer sex to emotional heaviness or commitment. Maybe that’s all I’m capable of. And, yes, sometimes that’s all that is offered to me. Womp womp. Poor sad slutty spinster. I have become intolerant and unforgiving over these last 18 months, moreso than I’ve ever been. I’m working through all of that independently, but it scares me. I don’t fear being used. I can tell the good eggs from the bad. I am afraid that I have become so self-sufficient that I have fooled myself into believing I don’t need anybody. I’ve always questioned my ability to attach and detach. As I sit and listen to my sister go on about my other sister in hospice, I know I’m not feeling what I’m supposed to be feeling. People here commend me on my strength, but I don’t think that’s it. I think I’ve just become so good at compartmentalizing everything and shutting things off. My sister (in hospice) and I pretty much stopped speaking this summer after a huge blow out regarding my Dad’s estate and I after I received weeks worth of texts and emails from her children calling me a slut, cunt and whore. I will stand by my decision in regards to this estate issue. My father was a fair man, and my decisions falls on the side of fairness.Everybody at home seems to forget that I was his daughter, too. But then, it’s kind of always been like that. Being the one to go to college and move away created an “us versus them” dynamic in my family. One of the last things she said to me was, “No wonder you’re alone.” My sister and I, we have a gift. We can identify your greatest fear or weakness, exploit it, and beat you with it until there’s nothing left but a bloody stump that used to be your self-esteem. The last place anybody wants me is in their head.That, along with what I assume is a noticeable level of detachment, works against me when it comes to men. What am I getting at? I don’t know, to be honest. I’m working things out by writing about them, I suppose. I miss being this honest, but I know it’s probably unwise to be so. Which brings us back to the issue of vulnerability I mentioned earlier. I’m having trouble with that. I am walking away at the first sign of trouble. That doesn’t bother me as much as the fact that I don’t appear to regret those decisions. I don’t have the fight in me right now to try and preserve anything.
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