And That's Why You're Single |
- Protected: Sherlocked
- Do Men *Really* Want To Be Just Friends With Women?
- Why Don’t Men Like To Date Women With Kids?
| Posted: 18 Oct 2013 06:57 AM PDT |
| Do Men *Really* Want To Be Just Friends With Women? Posted: 18 Oct 2013 05:43 AM PDT Name: Steph Story: I met the first one in a cafe when I asked him to watch my stuff while I used the restroom. Our conversation lasted for two hours, spanning everything from opera and philosophy to current events and God. I mentioned my boyfriend several times. I gave him my number after he asked if we could stay in touch. We ran into each other the next day and had another lovely long conversation. Since then, I’ve only gotten a couple tepid texts/emails from him in response to my two dinner invitations. I met the second one at a classical-music concert. He was extremely polite and kind. Everything about him—clothes, speech—made me think he could be gay. This conversation was also so much fun. He also asked to keep in touch, saying how refreshing it was to meet a kindred spirit. We exchange contact info and he suggested hanging out the following week. The next day, I emailed him specific times that I could meet. I haven’t heard from him since. My question: PS: Physically, all these guys are more attractive than me (me = 4, my boyfriend = 8, first dude = 10, second dude = 6). In terms of social skills, I’m a 9, my boyfriend = 6, first guy = 7, second guy = 6. Question: Do the women that you try to befriend act similarly? Are they receptive to your platonic overtures? If you’re experiencing similar reactions from both, then there might be something about your approach that is setting off some warning bells. In this letter you’re focusing on your two attempts to establish friendships with men. Maybe there have been some examples of similar interactions with women. I don’t know. I can’t help but wonder why these particular situations have you so perplexed and whether or not it has anything to do with the fact that they are men. Broad generalization alert: as men get older, few have little use for female pals. It’s one thing to have a pre-existing romantic relationship and to stay friends. It’s another to try and develop a friendship with some random guy outside of your social circle. When you’re in your twenties and group dates and social interactions are more common, it’s natural for friendships of the non-sexual variety to develop. There are commonalities involved that make the friendship easier. You shared a class together, he dated your friend or his friend dated your friend, he lived on your floor in college, etc. There’s a connection that justifies the friendship and makes it less complicated. There’s also a trust and understanding of each other. Things could still get sticky, but the men aren’t as suspicious of a woman’s intention when they share a background or social group. These men don’t know you. They don’t know your boyfriend. They have no idea what your agenda is. Therefore they likely don’t fully believe that you just want to be friends. You made it a point to mention your boyfriend, so it could be that they don’t wish to appear to be jumping in on another person’s relationship or sneaking behind someone’s back. They also might be hesitant to be friends because they don’t want to be your replacement boyfriend while you’re away at school. Also? There’s little to no chance of sex. Most guys aren’t really down with being a woman’s gal pal. You might not think you were flirting, but your perception of these situations doesn’t matter. What matters is how they interpreted your actions. Then there’s the fact that you reached out to both of them and tried to make plans. And not just plans, but in the case of the first guy, dinner. That doesn’t say platonic. That says intimate. Maybe next time suggest they meet you and some of your friends at a bar for happy hour first. You have to work up to making one on one plans. That first guy assumed you were trying to get a meal or a date out of him. He knew, since you repeatedly mentioned your boyfriend, that sex was unlikely. So he passed. The second guy also probably felt a little put off by how eager you were to hang out again. If he is gay, that doesn’t mean that he’s fabulous and looking for women to hang with because he’s gay. That’s a stereotype. Not every gay man wants to be the Will to our Grace or the Jack to our Karen. (Though, let’s be honest, we’d all love to have Karen Walker as our friend, amirite?) Then there’s the possibility that he wasn’t gay. Not every guy who is impeccably dressed with a lilt to his speech is gay. Yay for more stereotypes. I have two thoughts about this: 1. You’re looking for a guy to hang with because you miss your boyfriend. 2. You’re coming on too strong and scaring these guys off. Personally, if I were to meet a woman or man out at jury duty or at the gym and exchanged info with them and they immediately jumped to contacting me and suggesting we go out, I’d be hesitant. I have issues with stuff like this. I don’t like to bring anybody into my life who seems too needy or anxious for friends. I’m not good with having people become that dependent on me that quickly. I just don’t like it and it makes me feel obligated and pressured. Friendships are not much different from romantic relationships. You need to appear as though you have options and that you are choosing to include them in your already well rounded life. I would set up some group situations and then try again with these guys. Give it a couple weeks or so and then organize a night out with classmates and invite them along.
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| Why Don’t Men Like To Date Women With Kids? Posted: 17 Oct 2013 03:18 PM PDT Name: M. Question: Ok so here’s my dilemma and I would like an honest answer from men. I just turned 37 and I am a single mom of a 5 year old boy. Everyone that first meets me thinks I’m in my late 20s and for that I am thankful. I take good care of myself and so forth. However on the dating scene, I am not having much luck. I was dating a guy for about 10 months but he was also 10 years younger than me which is the first for me. I was totally weirded out about it but he assured me he didn’t care and that he loves kids and all of that and to be honest we had a very good synergy to the point that the age didn’t really matter. Well so..that didn’t work out and when the it came down to it, it was my age and the fact that I had a kid. Ok thanks for that. Anyway, I have since talked to a few other men (my age group) and I’m getting alot of hesitation because I have a child. Why is that? I am a good looking woman, I have a good job, I take care of my home and my kid so why is that an issue? Is it because a man won’t get all of my attention all the time? Because if I’m dating someone that I like and want to get to know, I make time, even if it’s in the evening for a few hours to hang out. This is starting to annoy me and I would just like to know what the REAL issue is here because I feel like I’m starting to lose faith in men and I don’t want that. I want to find someone I can share my life with. Thanks. -M People are hesitate to date someone with kids because it’s difficult.Scheduling dates is inordinately difficult, there’s a lot of concern about staying over, weekends are almost out of the question depending on their child’s age and their custody agreement. It’s tremendously difficult. Somebody 35-45 years old doesn’t have to tolerate any of that because they have enough options. Guys your age can still get women who don’t have kids and with whom they can have their own. They don’t have to (nor do they really want to) financially support another person’s child. And no matter what you say, in some way they will be. That’s your answer in a nutshell. You need to be dating men in their early/mid-forties or older. Preferably divorced men with kids of their own who understand your lifestyle and that your child takes top priority. Yes, younger men will tell you that neither your age nor the fact that you have a child are an issue. They will lie. Or they’ll be too immature to be thinking more than a step or two ahead and won’t consider what dating someone ten years their senior with a child entails. Nobody gets it until they do it. It’s a daunting proposition for many. The solution for you is pretty simple. You’ll just have to let go of your desire to date men your age. It’s one of the tougher things about dating as a single woman over 35, but it’s crucial. |
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