And That's Why You're Single

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Should He Wait To Tell Women He’s Divorced? Posted: 13 Oct 2013 02:54 PM PDT Tweet Name: Bob Comment: I am 32 and have been divorced for a year.  We started dating in high school, so my ex is the only person I have really seriously dated.  Since this is the first time I have been single as an adult, and I have no clue where to begin, I figured online dating would be a good way to get back out there.  I have tried OK Cupid, Match, and eHarmony for a few months with various levels of success.  I think my profiles are fine, I have decent pictures and consider myself a somewhat attractive guy, so getting responses from emails isn’t a problem.  My problem seems to be getting past the second date. I have so far gone out with about 15 different girls, and I really can’t say I have had a bad date.  They have all been over coffee, drinks, or a light meal, and none have lasted under 2 hours.  It never seems like we run out of things to say or have any awkward moments, I always pay the bill and walk them back to their car, and I always come away thinking we both had a good time.  After a day or two, I call and say I had a great time and would like to get together again.  Half of them I never hear from again, some call or text back a couple times, but we never seem to find a time that works, and after a couple weeks it seems any momentum from a good first date is gone.  I’ve only gone back out with about 4 of them for a second date, and none past that. My only hypothesis is that being divorced at my age is a major turn off.  Either that or I have been so far away from the dating game that I completely misinterpret what I think is a pretty good date.  If I were 45 and looking similar aged women, there might be more of an expectation or acceptance of divorced men.  But women in their late 20s or early 30s aren’t really putting divorced men at the top of their list. There is nothing in my profile that says I am divorced (other than on Match which gives you the option for marital status), but I have always mentioned it during a first date, usually around the time we start talking about how long we have been doing online dating, what we think of it so far, etc.  No one has really seemed taken aback when I mention it, but I don’t know what else could be causing all these girls to disappear after a date or two. Should I try going a couple dates before mentioning my divorce, or does that seem like I am trying to hide it?  Should I be more direct at the end of the first date and say something like “I would like to see you again, but will I be wasting my time when I try calling in a couple days?”  Is there something else I am missing? Thanks! Age: 32 City: Seattle State: WA I’m not so sure that the fact that you’re divorced is the key to this. While I don’t doubt that it might give some women pause, I don’t think all of your dates are losing interest because of this. There’s a good way to gauge whether it is having an impact, and that’s to keep that fun fact to yourself for a few dates and see what happens. A woman in her late twenties to early thirties can afford to seek something shiny and new. She has enough options where she can do that and risk the oh so dreaded ending up alone thing. Of course, by not telling her you might end up being deemed suspicious or shady. Because of you keep that to yourself why then you must be harboring a fugitive in your apartment or have a few Cayman bank accounts full of stolen money. By not revealing it, you are trying to hide it. A lot of people will understand that. But a lot won’t because they’re suspicious and looking for monsters around every corner and have horror stories of guys like you that they’ve heard from their disgruntled friends. People will have preconceived notions and opinions of you because you’re divorced. That’s normal. The question is whether or not you want to date those people. I was having a conversation with a friend this morning about an idea I had. I said that I wanted to create an FAQ page for this site for all the men who meet me online and either read this site once I give them the link or who figure out who I am before hand. (Feel free to leave your thoughts here about that page.) I’m at the point now that I regularly receive emails from guys telling me they recognize me, or that they showed my site to female friends who recognized me, etc. While I would never link to the site in my profile, I am upfront about it before we meet so that guys don’t feel they were tricked in some way. My plan is to address the common concerns men have. I could do that in my profile, but that will just ensure that they’ll read the site and it’s over before it started. How does this relate to you? Well, my point is that these people are going to find out eventually that you’re divorced. Some might bail, but you probably didn’t want to date them anyway. That’s a lot of time and money wasted. Which is why I would state in your profile that you’re divorced, that the relationship is amicable and that it’s been awhile since your divorce. The fear, I think, about dating someone your age and divorced is that you’re not over it. The divorce itself isn’t the problem. Women just don’t want to deal with residual anger or trust issues or whatever. Just by bringing it up you’re ringing a bell. On a date, your divorce should not be a topic. No, you shouldn’t ask a woman point blank if she’s going to reject you. That just makes you look insecure. If the date goes well, then you follow up the next day and ask her out. You don’t dilly dally with nice nice talk and allow the conversation to flail and wander.

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