And That's Why You're Single

The Savvy Dater: Don’t Get Ahead of Yourself

Posted: 16 Oct 2013 06:17 AM PDT

Name: Dori

Comment: Multidating quandary

Dear Moxie,

Few months ago I returned to OKC after a longish break. My intent was to find myself a lover (casual sex blended with romance), as I did not think that I can find enough time and energy for an LTR (kids, work, commute, etc.), and few weeks later I found just what I was seeking.

But here is the catch. We are not in relationship, hence are not exclusive, and both are active on OKC. So I am continuing going on dates with other men. Yesterday I met a new guy, and for the first time I had a feeling that with him I actually would be interested in exploring something long term. So assuming he is interested too (which obviously is not yet clear but not outside of realm of possibility), at which point would I have to stop seeing my current lover?

Thank you,
Dori
Age: 42
City: Suburbia
State: MA

You’re putting the cart before the horse. It’s been all of one date. Don’t start thinking ten steps ahead, or you will most assuredly botch this and end up dancing alone.

You went from thinking you didn’t have time for a full-time relationship to now thinking that you do. That’s a drastic change in a short period of time. It seems to me that you’re dying to tell this lover of yours about your potential new boyfriend. Why? Because you want to see how he reacts.

That you can go from wanting something part-time to full-time so quickly tells me that you were always capable of and interested in having a full-time relationship. But this guy you’re casually dating can’t offer you that. So now you’re hoping that you can light a fire under his butt to get him to offer more.

If this were a real quandry – which it’s not – you would stop seeing your lover once you and the other guy agree to be exclusive. Simple. The answer is quite clear. You’re creating a problem where there is none in order to provoke a response or progress in the current situation you have going on.

One date is not enough time to be thinking this far into the future. Right now, you should only be thinking one or two steps ahead. The more you over-think and over-analyze scenarios like this, the more likely it is that things will backfire. Take things day by day and feel these men out. More importantly, dig a little deep and determine what it is you really want and can offer. It’s as if the slight whiff of a possible relationship gets people worked up into a frenzy. Just because it’s being dangled in front of you doesn’t mean you have to bite.

Take your time and allow things to play out organically. If you do keep seeing this second guy and wish to pursue things on a deeper level, say nothing to the first guy until you’re sure you’re on solid ground. You’re not breaking any laws or promises by dating both of them. That’s how woman see these situations.

Women, when they are on the receiving end of this, say they’d want honesty and full disclosure. First, no they wouldn’t. Second, the guy usually isn’t obligated to offer either. The women just think they are. I can assure you that most men don’t play out various possibilities in their head. They date both until they decide what they want.

That’s what you should do.

Attract Girls Now

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

And That's Why You're Single

And That's Why You're Single

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