Attract Girls Now: January 2014

Thursday, January 30, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Posted: 30 Jan 2014 02:03 PM PST

Name: B

Comment: Two questions.. How do I prevent myself from getting attached too fast, and do men care about their partner’s professional success?

A 45 yo recently contacted me online, and we proceeded to have long, intense conversations over the next two weeks, which he initiated. We were both overwhelmed with work, hence the delay in meeting.He was evolved, polite, intelligent, easy to talk to and considerate. He’d left his unhappy marriage and his next gf abruptly dumped him (who he deemed a narcissist) and he was blindsided. About a year later he posted his profile on a dating site, where he met his next two girlfriends, both 25. This gave me pause.

After googling him, to my surprise I discovered that he was a very well known in his field. He also teaches a class at an ivy league school. NYC is full of accomplished people but I’ve never encountered anyone like this. My immediate thought is that this person is WAY out of my league. That said, he was very grounded and we really connected on the phone and had SO much in common.I told him that I had graduated from a state school and he said ‘look, i’m 45, i’m past caring about such things’. WE both felt that we were an intellectual match despite the differential in our status.

We meet, he’s even more attractive, interesting and charismatic than I’d expected. I, on the other hand, was feeling a bit insecure (which I hadn’t on the phone) and was exhausted; I should have postponed the date. I didn’t put my best foot forward. We still had fun, he invited me up to his apt, which was impeccable. Amazing sex, in fact the best sex I had ever had. I contacted him a few times over the weekend, and we engaged in some idle chit chat, but I requested a call which was not returned. We then spoke again and he said he could speak the following day, and called me after I asked him if he was busy and could speak that day. I was in a state of high, high anxiety waiting to speak with him again.It was intolerable. I became way, way too attached far too fast, and I don’t know how to prevent this from happening. I understand that I have to chill out and leave the ball in his court, but until I heard from his I had horrid anxiety.

This is going to work against me, always and I don’t know how to control it. We spoke for a while, were disconnected, he called back and when I suggested meeting later this week he said he was far too busy over the next two weeks and would be for some time, and it was simply too late tonight. I know that he IS extraordinarily busy, I don’t doubt that. He’s working on another project, has two sons, and writing for another site, and I’ve verified this. So yes, I doubt he has time for any relationship. I was discussing dating online in general, and he was giving me tips. Clearly he’s not interested. I point blank ask him what he wants, and why he initiated a relationship that he couldn’t sustain, and he said he had just far extended himself professionally.

I apologized for putting him on the spot,I supposed that if i point blank asked maybe I’d get the answer I wanted to hear. He said it was healthy that we were having the conversation and that it was the adult thing to do, and that he simply couldn’t devote the time to me that he needed. He said he had no idea if we were a potential match since we had only met once. We then hung up, and I immediately sent him an email saying I get it, I can read between the lines, and apologized for backing him into a corner. I said that I know he was being kind and trying to spare my feelings, and that I would have handled it in a similar manner. I did borrow his mittens and leave my hat at his house (inadvertently) and he explained on the phone that we did need to exchange them.

I closed my email by letting me know what time was best to do the exchange and said that if we crossed paths again that would be great, and if not, so be it. No response. I have to go home tomorrow and told him I wouldn’t be home for a few weeks and that I couldn’t get his gloves to him until then (which he needs). I closed by saying we should go to a tapas bar (we’ve both been to spain several times) when his schedule loosens up. This was several hours ago. No response.

When he first contacted me, he had mentioned that even if there wasn’t a romantic connection, that he thought we could still have a valuable friendship. I feel horrible and depressed and can’t stop thinking about what he found wrong with me, why he didn’t want to move forward after we had had a great night. The day after our date, I thanked him for the date, said i had fun, and he replied that he had had fun too, and thanked me for coming out and staying over, but didn’t suggest a future date. At that point I should have just waited for him to contact me again, because the writing was on the wall, correct? I suspect that he would have been open to remaining friends, and I want to believe that I could, but the reality is that it would just be torture for me.

I’ve never, ever met someone who satisfied all my ‘requirements’, and I can’t stop torturing myself about where I went wrong on our date. Did I talk too much, was i boring, was he not attracted to me, was I awful in bed and I’m filled with self doubt. But he did reply to me that weekend, and call me two days later, but only after I ahd requested it.I tried to keep my last email casual and brief. I don’t know where I went wrong, and I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes, nor to I want to give in to this desire to speak to the guy for confirmation the next day that he had fun. The waiting in limbo is awful. And now I can’t stop thinking about him. I suppose I should start dating again to distract myself and remind myself that he’s not the only man in nyc, but I fear that everyone will pale in comparison which will make me feel worse. I just wish I could get out of my own head and move past this. I mean, it was only 2 weeks of intense conversation and one date! I wasn’t with this person for 6 mos.

I know this message is disjointed and probably contains irrelevant information, but I don’t want to sabotage the chance for a second date again, and I believe that would have been a possibility when his schedule relaxed had I not been such a spaz. Should I be dating several men at once to maintain perspective? when he said he had an unbelievably busy two weeks, should I have just said ok, let’s stay in touch and let me know when your schedule eases up? I did say that, but then I called back to ask him exactly where things stood, and as I mentioned, he did say it was a reasonable, healthy conversation and one that we should be having. I really have absolutely no idea what i’m doing when it comes to dating, because I simply haven’t had much practice. the ‘just be myself’ works over the phone, and very well via email,I’m not insecure about my physical attractiveness or personality, but then I freeze on dates. And drink to relax. I know dating requires a strategy, but I don’t know where to start.
Age: 41
City: NYC
State: NY

Yes, this guy recognized that you were way too invested and backed off. But he was probably going to do that any way. At the very least, given how busy his schedule is, he was never going to be able to offer you much in terms of time. You imploded here. You let your insecurity get the better of you and you looked to him to reassure you of his interest and that it was sincere. For that reason alone, you should avoid sleeping with men until you feel more secure in the direction of the relationship. You can’t do casual, which is not a short-coming or limitation. It’s just not for you. If you’re someone who plays scenarios over and over trying to pin point the exact moment things went wrong, then casual sex or first date sex is not for you.

Here’s a good rule of thumb. If someone you meet online or off falls well outside of what you typically pull, then approach with caution. You were out of your element and you let this guy and all of his accomplishments and status trip you up. To compensate for your nerves, you drank. Which of course lowered your inhibitions. But let’s face it. You would have slept with him even if you were sober. You can’t let charm and charisma sway you. You’ve built this guy up in your head to be something he probably isn’t. Now you have to focus on moving on and letting go. Your desire to date this perfect guy says more about how you view yourself than anything else. You’re giving him far more credit than he has earned or that he deserves. That’s why you’re kicking yourself. If I had to guess, what you sought was his approval more than anything else. You need to figure out why you needed that. Once you determine the source of your anxiety, you’ll be better able to manage it.

I don’t really have much to add here. You know where you went wrong. Now you’re beating yourself up which isn’t going to do you any good. Forget about your hat. Buy another one. It’s a hat, not a bag of gold dubloons. He doesn’t care about his gloves, either. So don’t use those items as an excuse to stay in touch. I assure you, he is not attached to those gloves. He can buy a new pair.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Why Some Guys Get The Side-Eye From Me

Posted: 29 Jan 2014 01:50 PM PST

Name: Monica
Comment: I’ve been hanging out with this guy a couple of times. He has been very vocal about liking me, saying he genuinely thinks he has a connection with me, and he wants to see where things can lead. He told me he wanted to wait a month before having sex, because he said he thought there might actually be something here and he didn’t want to ruin it by getting physical too soon. Seems pretty obvious, but he works with my best friend and she came home from work the other day and said two of the men he works with warned her about him. They said that after his 6 year relationship, he turned into a ‘player’ and that I shouldn’t get my hopes up, that he just uses women for sex. Now I’m apprehensive. I usually have a very good judge of character and he seemed sincere. I’m not sure what I should do next.
Age: 26
City: Omaha
State: NE

Any particular reason why your friend is telling your business to her co-workers?

Those guys who warned your friend about this guy remind me of the whiny dudes who convene here to complain about how all the players get the girls and how women don’t like nice guys like them. A decent person with no axe to grind would probably stay out of it. But then, a good friend wouldn’t be talking about this with guys she works with, risking the chance of it getting back to your guy.

That said, I don’t buy it. I’ve never heard a guy that wasn’t a one dimensional character in a Lifetime movie utter the words, “I think we should wait.” It sure makes him sound unique and different and unlike other men, doesn’t it? I’m guessing that’s the point. He’s in no rush to have sex with you because he either has no interest in having sex with you or has plenty of options to tide him over until he feels like he’s held out long enough to convince you he’s being genuine. And that’s when the real fun will begin.

Repeat after me: People who like sex have it.

Could he be sincere? Anything is possible. All you can do from this point on is believe him until he gives you a reason not to while at the same time safeguarding your feelings by not getting too invested.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

If You Want Someone To Go Away, Tell Them

Posted: 28 Jan 2014 02:55 PM PST

Name: D angelina_jolie
Question: Can you help me understand why some men never give up? When I first started dating I was eager to meet people quickly and see what he had to talk about over dinner or coffee. Well two different guys kept texting me after I told them I wasn’t interested in continuing to see them. One texted for a few weeks then a month and a half later out of the blue. The other texted weekly for about two months straight. I finally had enough and asked him why he continued texting me when I wasn’t answering. He began begging for another chance and even asked if he could come over and talk to me (I thanked God aloud that he didn’t know where I lived and am now wary of allowing dates to pick me up even though I’m a bit old fashioned and love that kind of thing). I told him no then I ended up getting nasty when he accused me of not wanting to date him because he’s white (which was not the case since I frequently date white men). He then had the nerve to get offended that I was rude to him when clearly I had tried the nice approach earlier. (This guy works for Abercrombie and looks the part. I fully believe he wasn’t used to and didn’t know how to handle rejection. But you’d think he would have enough options not to care?)

And even online, if I simply don’t reply I get harassing messaging cursing me out and calling me conceited. Is this normal behavior? Is there. Way to avoid it? Why don’t they just give up?
Age: 23
State:

These men continued to text you because you didn’t explicitly and directly tell them to stop. The real question is why you chose this approach rather than just be “honest.” I’m finger quoting that because I don’t expect you or anybody to be totally honest in those situations. As I’ve said before, it’s best to be diplomatic as long as you’re not disingenuous. An ex has resurfaced, you’re not over an ex, you decided to pursue a different guy that you met before him, etc. It’s okay to lie as long as you don’t keep them on the hook.

Clearly, since you didn’t hesitate to get nasty with this guy, you didn’t fear him in any way. And since you didn’t think twice about serving up a side of sass, then it stands to reason that you also wouldn’t hesitate to tell someone if you didn’t want to see them again. When I truly feel that there is something off about someone, I do what I can to avoid confrontation. I make up a lie to explain why I don’t wish to see them again. So all the pearl clutching about how relieved you were that he didn’t know where you lived can stop.

You replied to him and asked him a rather hurtful question with the intention of fanning the flames. How did you think he was going to respond? What would you have said had you been in his shoes and some dude shot off a text like that?

Maybe you have yet to experience what it feels like to be strung along or mislead, intentionally or unintentionally, but I can assure you that it sucks. I don’t think you’re totally at fault here. No answer should be the answer. These guys chose to continue to attempt to contact you. If they do not take the hint you’re giving by ignoring their messages, the best course of action in a situation like this is to put them out of their misery by communicating your lack of interest. The reason why is that it’s the humane and kind thing to do. If you’re a relatively decent human being, you don’t want to cause other people discomfort or pain.

Everybody gets messages from people online who are perturbed that they didn’t receive a response acknowledging their message. That is not at all uncommon. Don’t get it twisted. You’re not experiencing something extreme or atypical. Even the most average looking of people (i.e. most of us) have to endure this annoyance.

None of really has nothing to do with you or your desirability. Consider the possibility that you actually enjoyed their attention and wanted to get them worked up in order to create drama just for the sake of creating drama and feeling in demand.

Monday, January 27, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Sometimes They’re Not Flirting They’re Just Being Friendly

Posted: 27 Jan 2014 02:22 PM PST

Name: GL
Comment: I recently became ‘mates’ if you will with a guy 7 years younger than me at work. He pretty much gave me his number straight away saying if I ever wanted to hang for a drink to give him a holler. Ok, so I did just that! Organized when we would both be off and he agreed. The day comes along and upto the night before he was saying how it’s going to be a great night, drinking and carrying on and how he’s keen to catch up. Keep in mind it’s been me really that has initiated it all along, but with his initial ‘give me a holler anytime’. So the day comes along and I text him to see where he wants to meet and he replies saying something has just gone down earlier and he’s really sorry but he gives me an iron clad guarantee he’ll make it upto me! I’ve replied all cool, not to worry, to take care etc etc, and he’s subsequently replied saying I’m too awesome and he will shout totally next time!
Thing is, I think I’m rely liking him so it kinda disappointed me, given I was looking forward to it over 2 weeks.
What do readers think? A mutual work friend reckons it must’ve been ligit for him to pass up on drinks. I kinda feel it was too, but at the same time I feel let down a little…??
Age: 35
City: Sydney
State: NSW

The vibe I’m getting from how you told this story is that his invite to grab a drink sometime was casual bordering on platonic. It’s likely that he had no idea how important this was to you. He probably saw it as a casual get together. You thought of it as a date.

If you are interested in dating him, then maybe ask him to get together again, but make it clear that you’re asking him on a date. You can make it light and say, “I thought I would ask you on a proper date. How about drinks on Thursday?” Then you’ll have your answer.

Sort of.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m not really pro the asking men out thing. Not because I believe in gender roles or that men are supposed to do it but because I think a lot of men would accept a date with someone they’re meh about and have sex with them any way. I might be stereotyping here, but I don’t see as many women doing the same thing. Of course, that’s only a problem if you would feel awful if things did get physical and nothing came from it. If you’re someone who can detach yourself from all of that and can take it for what it is, then go on with your bad self and enjoy.

I say ask him out, see what he says and then just go with it. Just don’t do anything you might regret or use to beat yourself up with later.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

How Much “Crazy” Can Someone Handle?

Posted: 26 Jan 2014 03:08 PM PST

Name: Kelly panic
Website:
Question: How many chances do you get to come back from an episode of the “crazy?” Seeing a guy long-distance for four months. He travels for work, we met at work. Last night was the first “where is this going talk” which actually went well, except for my bad habit of needing answers repeated over and over. Insert obvious psycho-analysis here. Most of the time I can stay on top of it, but sometimes the neediness gets the better of me. Finally he told me I needed to go home and it was his last night in town this trip, unfortunately. Tears followed, of course. He called when I got home, a little more of the same. This morning he called and was in business mode, said he did still want to see me when he’s back, which probably won’t be another two to four weeks. Said we will continue this discussion. When I said that sounds not too promising, he said I can’t make snap decisions about long-term right now, I’m still upset and need to process this, it’s our first big fight, but I do have strong feelings for you and want to see you when I’m back.

I want to text him, but I see know he is not the type to respond to that, but it’s so hard not to when I’m so upset.
Age: 40
State: GA

Okay. You need to take a step back. Yes, there are some issues at work here that are going to end up pushing this guy away if you don’t get a handle on them.

I’ve spoken of my anxiety issues before, but something you said has me thinking this story might relate. When my anxiety gets triggered, I experience certain behaviors. For example, I’ll pay a bill online, but have to go back to that statement several times to make sure I paid it correctly. On a regular day when my anxiety isn’t in full force, which is 90% of the time, I’d pay it and forget it. But if I’ve been triggered, it will cause me to confirm and reconfirm something. (No, it’s not OCD.) The root of this is still being sussed out in therapy. I’ve experienced some irrational fears since childhood. Even though my rational mind knows I paid that bill, I will come up with all the possible errors that I could have made or that could happen to cause that bill not to be paid. It’s a trip, of reals. Now, obviously, my anxiety isn’t about paying a bill. There’s more to it. There always is. There’s a whole sub-set of causes and experiences that have contributed to it.

Your anxiety about this guy bailing isn’t really about this guy. Your reaction to his reinforcement and responses are just outliers to the real problem. And until you get to the bottom of that, you’re going to continue to do it.

Your “crazy” isn’t all that atypical. To a relatively experienced person, quirks like this are somewhat normal. Where the problem comes in is how often someone has to deal with this behavior. So, as long as this isn’t one incident in a string of episodes, you should be fine. But if you’re constantly pushing this guy for answers, you can bet he’ll back off. Right now, you need to stop contacting him and let him follow up with you. Your feelings aren’t his responsibility. That’s what you need to remember. You need to own your anxieties and fears. He’s not making you anxious. You are.

My sister has this precious habit of asking me to explain something, and then asking again 20 minutes later, and then asking again the next day. It drives me absolutely bat shit, because I make a concerted effort to explain situations are clearly as possible. In her case, I’m convinced it’s because she’s so consumed by how things affect her that she doesn’t retain anything that doesn’t relate to her. This guy appears to be answering your questions, but you might not be hearing him because you’re so consumed with your own thoughts and needs that you’re not listening to him.

I’ll tell another story.

So, several years ago i dated somebody who did the , “I really want to see you but I’m soooo busy thing.” In my gut I knew he was being disingenuous. But I wanted to believe him so I hung in there. The conflict between what I knew was probably going on versus what I wanted created all kind of unsuredness and insecurity with me. Getting together was way more important to me than it was for him because I didn’t create other options for myself. Fast forward to several months ago when I met someone else. He, too, gave the “I really want to get together soon/I’ve been thinking about you/Things are really crazy” responses. Nope. This time around I just replied and said I understood, talk soon, etc. I knew this was going absolutely no where. I also knew he was saying things to be polite and kind. There was no inner conflict to contend with because I just accepted the reality of the situation. He just wasn’t that interested. I answered the question myself. I didn’t need him to do it.

You want an answer to your question. He can’t give it to you. You don’t hear that. You still want your answer. Do you see the problem? You want reassurance so that you don’t have to sit and worry, when you have all the power you need to not panic. In most cases I would say that we can choose not to worry or panic. However, in cases where there might be actual issues with anxiety, it’s not as easy. For some of us, it’s more difficult. But it can be done. You need to work on your ability to wait things out even when you don’t have all the answers.

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Friday, January 24, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Do Your Coupled Friends Concern Troll You?

Posted: 24 Jan 2014 06:10 AM PST

Name: Josie (Revised)

:
Comment: I’ve been friends with this woman since high school. She's never had a boyfriend, and I haven't been single in ages, so she seeks my advice on dating and I try my best to help, but I think I might have been saying the wrong things to her all along.

Her background: She has a lot of close male friends and has a tendency to develop crushes on them. From what she tells me, they all seemed to be interested, yet none have ever asked her out and she has no idea why. She also says she doesn't understand how our other girlfriends land great guys so easily, but not her.

Recently, she asked for my opinion on whether another of her male friends might be interested in her; although, she said she would never seriously date him because he was "too nerdy" for her.

Given her background that I just described, I was at a loss. So I asked a few of my male friends who know her what they thought, dating-wise. They said she doesn't have much going for her: she's almost 30, still living with her parents, has a low income, is a little awkward and is overweight whereas the rest of us girls are pretty, smart, good careers, have moved out, are slim… I was surprised because I assumed that guys, especially her guy friends, would eventually overlook her 'negative traits' given that they know she is a good person.

Then it dawned on me that maybe she has a skewed self-perception and goes for guys out of her league, while thinking guys in her league (i.e. her 'nerdy' friend) are beneath her. If I was surprised by my male friends' assessment, I have a feeling she probably would be too.

So my question is, do you think it's probable that in general she's going after guys "out of her league"? I've met some of her male friends and don't think they are out of her league—so could it be that they are also going for women out of their league too, and thus haven't gone for my friend?
Age: 29
City: New York
State: New York

Here’s the main question that comes to my mind as I read both versions of the letter you submitted.

Why are you so invested in the answer to this?

My second question that pops into my head as I read both your messages is:

How do you think your friend would feel if she knew you submitted this? Embarrassed? Hurt? Humiliated? I know that’s how I’d feel.

I have no idea if you’re friend is going for guys out of her league. I’ve never met her, nor have I met her friends. You didn’t even paint any kind of picture of either group, which truly makes me wonder if you just want to hear me say that your poor, sad chubby friend bats out of her league.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Why Do We Find Men With Accents So Sexy?

Posted: 23 Jan 2014 05:54 AM PST

Name: G
Comment: Hi,
I am a “young professional” guy living in Boston for 3 years. I moved here from Ireland with my job.

At first I guess I thought I had struck gold, I merely had to order a beer at the bar when someone would overhear my accent and want to introduce themselves. It seemed easy to meet women and get dates…. but the novelty quickly wore off. As a female friend recently commented when I told her this story.. “I guess the accent is your version of the female ‘My eyes are up here!’”. Women seem to be very keen on meeting a foreign guy, an being Irish in Boston helps I guess. But I soon found myself slightly turned off when the ONLY thing they seemed interested in was asking me to “Say something Irish…” but never interested in me, my interests, my careers, my likes, my dislikes, or anything else at all…

I’m at a point where I don’t want to be “the Irish guy”. Women seem to see me as a short-term option or a hookup, but never seem to actually consider dating me. I know that sounds cynical, and I hate sounding that way but it does sometimes feel that way.

Over the past 2 years, I’ve had short relationships which last a few weeks to maybe a month or two.
A lot of girls seem to want to hookup quickly, then vanish or make their excuses.
One girl, as it turned out, used me as her one last fling before marriage (Note: I had no idea she was engaged and I cut it off the second I found out).
The last girl I dated was for about a month, she seemed very into me, said all the right things, it felt like it might go somewhere and she was open to it. But as soon as we slept together she disappeared off the face of the earth. As ridiculous as it sounds, I felt used. We went through the whole normal dating phase for weeks, I didn’t want to rush it and it seemed like it was working this time… but the result was once again the same.

I’m just very confused. Meeting or getting dates is not an issue. Forming a relationship seems almost impossible. I don’t know if being foreign means that how I talk or act is not what women might consider longterm or if they think I’m going to up and leave or what it is really…

Any opinions out there?
Age: 28
City: Boston
State: MA

As someone with an accent fetish, I can only speak from my experience. Yes, some women will want to get with you just for the accent. It’s something different. The accent conjures up images of James Bond and Benedict Cumberbatch. Accents can compensate for a lot. Unfortunately for those with the accents, the thrill doesn’t last for long. Eventually the intrigue wears off.

It sounds like you’re meeting women who aren’t genuinely interested in or attracted to you beyond the accent. So, going forward, you should probably avoid dating any female who gushes or makes a big deal of your accent. Consider it a red flag. You should also probably make a concerted effort to meet women who are a bit more worldly. I will be the first to admit that my attraction to accents is due to my own lack of sophistication. If I went to Columbia or worked in finance or a more upscale industry, I’d probably come in contact with men from England, Ireland, Australia, etc regularly. When you lead a rather sheltered life and surround yourself with people who look and talk just like you, you’re more likely to notice that thing that stands out or feels different, especially if it’s associated with something or someone considered glamorous. Especially especially if all you know of that culture or country comes from TV and movies. I was embarrassed that I had to ask who Guy Fawkes was while I was watching the new season of BBC’s Sherlock. Just by asking about the history behind Guy Fawkes Day showed how narrow my world view is.

It sounds like you need to network in circles where being from another country isn’t considered so exotic. Boston, because it has so many excellent schools and universities, has a number of inhabitants from other parts of the world. I would go to Meetup.com and try to join some of the International and Ex-Pat groups.

Your age might be a factor, too. If you’re going after women in their early twenties, then that might also be contributing to why these women are so flakey. So maybe try to meet women a few years older than you. Not only have they been around longer and have probably already encountered their fair share of Liam Neesons sound-alikes, but they’re more likely to know what they want.

Also consider that, well, you might need to polish up your social and sexual skills. If the sex was satisfying, I don’t see why these women wouldn’t come back for more. Harsh, I know, but a real possibility. You’ll need to do some inventory. If women frequently bail right after sex, then the sex might be the issue.

Finally, what’s your visa status? I have to be honest and say that unless someone had a green card, I’d be hesitant to get involved with them unless they were here on a work visa. I wouldn’t want to get attached only to find out their visa wasn’t being renewed or that they had to go back home and re-apply. That could take several months. That’s something you may wish to be upfront about, even in your dating profile if you have one. Unfortunately, there are some people who actively try to date American citizens in the hopes they can get married and they can gain citizenship.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Why Would A Guy Turn Down Casual Sex?

Posted: 21 Jan 2014 01:29 PM PST

Name: Dori male-enhancement
Comment: Why would a guy decline casual sex?

Dear Moxie,

I am somewhat puzzled by my recent experience. I met a man through a dating website. We had a great first date, then a second date a week after. He was out of my league, and had more red flags than Red Square on May Day, but I rationalized that since I have my share of red flags too, his red flags were not such a big deal. And I fell head over the heels.

He acted as if he is attracted to me (looks on the first date, steamy making out in his car at the end of the second date). I was somewhat surprised in hindsight that he did not suggest to go to his place to continue what we started.

As time went by I realized that the third date is not happening, and that I am being “friend zoned”. Perhaps he thought that I am crazy (indeed I pretty much lost my head about him and unfortunately it was showing).

Then I decided that I have nothing to lose, and propositioned casual sex. Which he declined…

While the obvious take-home message is not to act crazy (explaining to a guy on a second date just how much I like him in great detail was in hindsight a really bad idea) and not to text too much, I wonder what in general can make a guy decline such a proposition from a woman he is attracted to physically. The only explanation I could come up with was that a guy might be afraid that the woman will stalk him, but I have a good reason to believe that this is not the case in this particular situation.

Any ideas?
Age: 43
City: Suburbia
State: North East

You got turned down because the guy didn’t trust your motives. You told him you were falling for him or that you really liked him. Then, when you saw he was slipping away, you tried to use sex as bait to re-gain his interest. He knew what you were doing and declined, knowing it would almost assuredly end with you wanting more and getting more attached.

In other words, he was being a decent human being. Yes, he was probably also thinking of himself and weighed the pros and cons and decided to avoid this particularly sticky wicket or a proposition. There’s something about a person using sex as a last ditch effort to get someone’s attention that is overwhelmingly uncomfortable. There’s nothing hot about it. Just because he has a penis doesn’t mean he can’t exercise good judgment. Men and women can usually see through an act like that, especially older or more experienced folks. I don’t think he feared you’d stalk him. I’m not sure many men go there in their heads. I think he feared he wouldn’t be able to get rid of you easily. Those are two different things.

I think everybody is different in terms of just how much possible conflict or drama they are willing to deal with. Some guys might have taken you up on this. Some others would have done what this guy did and backed away slowly, fearing possible conflict and hurt feelings.

There’s various kinds of crazy person sex. One case is when both people contribute to the chaos and the relationship is intense and contentious and the sex is off the charts. Another is when one or both people are unstable to some degree. Then there’s your garden variety crazy person who repeatedly picks fights or flounces when stuff gets heavy or they don’t get what they want but usually returns. Crazy person sex is fun, sometimes amazing, but usually somewhat exhausting. Not the sex itself. The aftermath. The emails, the passive aggressive petty fights, the emotions, etc. You finally get to a point where you go, “Yeah. This isn’t worth it anymore.” It becomes too much effort to maintain and manage. The offer of casual sex comes with a lot of potential landmines, which is why some people turn it down. For some all it takes is one bad experience. For others it takes several experiences before they get sick of it. And some people never tire of it. Those people are usually “crazy.”

The reason why this situation has you so baffled is because you buy in to the myth that no guy will ever turn down sex because all guys think about is sex. Sex, sex, sex. That’s all guys want. Sex. Because they’re guys. And guys like sex. All. The. Time. It’s a stereotype, and it’s a bad one. Not only that but having a high sex drive and liking sex is common amongst both men and women. Not just men.

Monday, January 20, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

Do You Want A Partner Or A Distraction?

Posted: 20 Jan 2014 02:39 PM PST

Name: Lisa

Comment: Hi, I’m looking for some long-term dating advice. I’m 45, never married. I’ve had little trouble finding men to date throughout my twenties and even well into my mid-thirties. I’m far from a hottie but am slender and more girl-next-door (I get told most that I look like Valerie Bertinelli). When I was 39, I had a child with the guy I was in a long-term relationship with. It didn’t last and he now lives out of state, married and with other kids. He is mostly out of the picture. Although dating was a huge focus for me previously, since I’ve had a kid I’ve really lost most of my interest. I work full-time and being a single mom keep me busy (and happy). I’m never lonely or bored. That was almost 6 years ago and every year or 18 months, I’ll rally together and go on Match and I’ve noticed some things. I have changed my target demographic, now going after divorced dads mostly a few years older than me. I still have the same response rates to online dating as in my early thirties with about 1/3 of the men I contact responding to me and leading to a meeting. I mostly pick the cute ones and feel they have some baggage but also plenty of options. Unlike before I became a mom, I rarely get to a third date. I absolutely could be wrong but I do think this is because I am a single mom (and my kid is so young and with me 100% of the time) based on the type of pointed questions they ask about his care and is it hard for me to find babysitters? I have had a couple of short term relationships and miss male companionship (and it would be nice to have sex again before I die), but I feel sort of meh about the whole dating thing. However, I do think that when my kid becomes older and is more independent, nearing college, etc. I will return to wanting a partner very much. Dating in my 40′s is hard and the pool of eligibles that I am interested in has shrunk ALOT so I can only imagine what it will be like in my 50′s. I think I still have a somewhat decent chance of finding a partner if I make it a priority now but I think the chances are slim to none in my 50′s unless I make some serious compromises which I probably wouldn’t do because I am becoming more inflexible the older I get. So here is my question: Knowing that I will likely very much want a partner in 10 years, would you make dating and finding someone a priority now which would mean really focusing and outlaying a small fortune in babysitting? OR Would you just wait until you really were ready in your 50′s and just accept it probably won’t happen for you then?
Thanks for any insight.
Lisa
Age: 45
City: Atlanta

I’m not a fan of dating breaks. The only time I feel as though someone should stop dating is if the process will do any kind of emotional or mental harm to them. Yeah, we all get burnt out by it and it gets tedious and we go through waves of never hearing back from anyone. It can get frustrating. But that kind of fatigue is fleeting.

I think there are probably a lot of different reason why you’re not getting to the third date. For sure, being a single parent of a young child is one of them. As someone who has been on the other side of it, it can be incredibly difficult to try and arrange dates or find time to meet with someone in your position. I’m sure that it’s also somewhat of a burden on you because you not only have to pay someone to watch your child, but there must be some concern over whether or not taking that time for you is appropriate or somehow damaging. It can’t be easy.

That said, I don’t think it’s productive for you to just cease all dating activity. Not only will your options shrink, but you will become more and more rigid. Plus, you’ll lose valuable experience necessary to be able to navigate the dating landscape effectively. Sorry to be harsh but, boo hoo, you’ll have to pay for a baby sitter. Just like the guys will have to pick up the check. It’s interesting how you’re concerned about the money involved with a date. I’ll bet you never even thought about that when you were single without children. Can you imagine if men decided not to date until they had enough expendable cash to shell out on dates? Hah. The population would cease to multiply.

You should always accept that it might not happen for you. That is a possible reality for everybody. There are no guarantees for any of us. Finding a relationship, if that’s what you want, takes effort and compromise. The chances that you’ll run into that guy who has the same lifestyle and schedule and outlook are slim. You’re going to have to make some concessions.

Dating can be arduous whether you’re a single parent or a bright-eyed 25 year old with a multitude of option. The thought of it is exhausting for many people at any given time. But if you’re dating with the intent of finding a relationship, it’s supposed to have a moderate degree of difficulty. You’re not just dating to go out, you’re dating to determine compatibility. I agree that it gets really fatiguing to expend the effort and ride the roller coaster of emotions many experience on first and second dates. But ya gotta do it. I don’t think anybody is ever completely ready. I’m not sure there is any such thing.

I have to be honest and say that, to me, you don’t seem to want a partner as much as you want a distraction. That, too, might be something these men sense which leads them to move it along after 2 dates. If you want a partner, then yes, you need to step it up and work through whatever it is that has prevented you from finding that. If you just want to date casually and have a companion, then that’s fine, too. But you need to figure out which one you want and then work towards that goal.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

And That's Why You're Single

How Do You Ignore The Fact That The Person You’re Dating Is Dating Other People?

Posted: 19 Jan 2014 01:58 PM PST

Name: CityGal
Comment: Hi Moxie,

I’ve been dating this guy who I met on an online dating website since the beginning of December. Things have been moving along fine – we see each other about 1-2 times per week and spent NYE together. I’m still casually dating others, but I really enjoy the time I spent with him the most (and hope that he’s starting to feel the same way). Not a lot to describe here, since it’s still in the beginning stages, but the chemistry I feel with him is great and I could definitely see him in my future.

However, we’re both still active on this online dating site, and when I logged on yesterday, I saw that his entire profile was revamped. (He doesn’t know when I’m clicking on his profile.) He put up new photos, new summary, everything. (it was fine before, btw) I still went out with him the day after I knew about his fancy new revised profile . But, while we were out on the town, I didn’t really know how to bring up what I had just observed online. Is it worth bringing up? My gut is saying he’s obviously on the prowl and instead of narrowing down his dating options after a month of seeing me, he’s trying to expand them by proactively promoting himself online. Thoughts?

-Alisa
Age: 35
City: Seattle
State: WA

You can bring it up, but my guess is you’ll hear something you don’t want to hear. Yes, I would agree that if he’s revamping his profile, he’s still out there looking for prospective partners.

Keep in mind what a gesture like that says. He knows you can see his profile at any time. He’s not even trying to hide the fact that he’s still actively on the market. What does that tell you about him? Mind you, it doesn’t make him a bad person as long as he’s not going out of his way to lead you to believe otherwise. But it does speak to his intentions and how he operates. He really doesn’t care what you know or find out. Some people might say that maybe he trusts her or maybe he’s just absent minded. Perhaps. But most people know the drill with online dating. They know profiles are public. They are aware of the fact that whomever they are dating can see their profile at any time. So either this person is trying to establish expectations in a passive aggressive way or has convinced themselves that they’re being honest and upfront. Neither bode well for the relationship.

But let’s also keep in mind that you were active on the site, too. For all you know, he was checking your profile as well and saw that you had logged on recently. So maybe he’s thinking what you’re thinking and that’s why he revamped his profile.

There’s really only one way to know if you and this guy are on the same page. You can’t sit back and cross your fingers and hope he’ll eventually bring it up. Yeah, it’s nice if the man initiates that stuff, it makes us feel pursued and all that good stuff. But, as we wait for a man to declare his love for us, we ending surrendering all of our power and control in the process. The bottom line is that if you want something, you need to ask for it. You need to open the door to that conversation. It can be as simple as, “Hey, do you think we’re at a place where we should both take down our profiles or should we wait a bit longer?”

Either he’ll hem and haw, in which case you have your answer, or he’ll open up and tell you what he’s thinking and feeling. Which might not be exactly what you want to hear, but it’s progress. You’ve taken a proactive role in your love life, which is a whole lot more satisfying that hanging back and hoping things will magically go your way.